Brave Babes Battle Bus

[Halleberry]

New thread girlies as the other was about to run out ... Hope you all find this one xxx

Good day. Strolled through Regents park to my meeting - and saw a heron, which is always a good sign -. Meeting was interesting and positive. Strolled back in the sunshine, changed and off to Camden market for a beer (sorry) and a mooch about.
Now chilling at my sis place in Primrose Hill. I could get used to this life....

Hey all. That's ne nearly 5 days AF hope you're all doing ok whether you're truing to be AF for even a day, well done for even trying xxx
Dementedma - do
You go to aaaa meetings? Do you enjoy them? Just giving my own personal opinion but I feel like the meeting actually made me worse and more obsessive about alcohol than anything. My experience with them was not good xxx
Elba - (Halle kicks elba up the butt lol) .... C'mon girly .... You're stronger than oure giving yourself credit for. ease stop being so down on yourself. It will only make you want to drink more.

On a bad note - still can't knock these pills on the head. Although im definitely cutting back. Yesterday I only took 2. Today ive had a tad more but im gonna keep trying. It's all about progress, not
Perfection in my opinion x love to you all xxxx

No, I don't go to AA meetings Halle. My brother used to go to them. My meeting today was work meeting

Hi all, sorry I've been a bit preoccupied the last few days. Have been catching up on the thread now.
Busy week with horses and dogs and hospital appointments. Wishing Friday was here already.
The ex is coming round in about half an hour to collect his stuff. I don't know how to be feeling about it...
I'll report back later love to all.

Be careful lala xxxaje sure to come on and let us know how It went and that you are ok xxx

I will. Thank you xxx

ma I mis spent my youth in Camden. Glad today went well.

lala hope you're ok, please check back in later

halle please be careful with the pills...I think you said you have 10mg tablets of diazepam? You need to cut down slowly with benzos (it's a bit of a disclaimer on my part, but really it should be done under medical supervision), could you bring yourself to ask the GP to give you 5 or even 2 mg tablets instead so you can work out a bit of a structure for reducing the dose slowly? Thank you for your support (and the kick up the butt ), it's much appreciated. And well done on day 5! Also you mentioned AA, but would you consider NA for help with the pills?

Afraid I'm on a bit of a mission again tonight, but planning no alcohol tomorrow untill Monday (doubt it will happen but hey), so feeling like I need to cram as much in tonight as possible. Totally illogical and destructive.

He came. He took his shitty stuff. Brought some random massive guy with him who stood on my door step with his arms folded like the fucking mafia. Feel really fucking upset. Ended up slamming the door in his face. Apologies for my language

Well fuck him Lala, he's a wanker and you're well rid (not even apologising for language) These are for you , you will move on and have a better life with that total arse out of the way xxxx

Ma glad you enjoyed London and fingers crossed for meeting outcome x

My last week at home, away for work for 3 weeks from Sunday. Will be 12 hour days and lots of wine and socialising. Won't be able to post much but may pop in for morale / willpower boost in face of free wine as don't want to make an arse of myself in front of colleagues

Hope you are all enjoying the sun xxx

Sorry to be pathetic. I am crying my eyes out. Just called 101 as previously instructed. Got told off for wasting police time. Oh good. When I am feeling threatened. They said just change the locks and get a friend over. Pup is currently chewing a pen lid and won't give up. Is it wrong to resign myself to the fact that she is just going to ingest all the plastic ever?
Drunk now. Sad that someone I used to love so much can treat me like such shit

Ps thanks hope

Aww chin up lala .... The only way is up now Hunni xx

Elba - I wouldn't go to another AA or NA meeting even if I was being paid ..... They ruined me and they made me worse xxx

lala he's a total wanker and you're rid of him...that's a good good thing. this is a new start for you. But also totally understand if you feel threatened and anxious. This is advice I should but don't routinely follow....distract distract distract!! If you have Netflix I've found the kids section weirdly comforting at bizarre times of night when I can't sleep...look for something called 72 cutest animals, there's an extremely cute baby lemur. I know that's massively simplifying everything, but please know I'm thinking of you xxx

I'm drinking/ drunk and weirdly looking forward to a day off alcohol tomorrow. 14 units is not much for a day to me, let alone a week....Ive probably had over 50 just in the last two days. I don't think long term there is any point in me drinking, I could never savour a glass or two of wine and leave it at that. I can't cope with the idea of not drinking, but it's more of a way to expel energy and hurt myself rather than something I like. Ugh sorry, I said no more drunk posts.

Thanks elba. And halle. Feeling really upset again this morning. Oh and hungover. Not sure why I do this to myself. Ugh. Fed up

Just popping in to give lala a huge hug. The emotional upheaval you're going through is huge and must be very hard. But as others have said he's a wanker and you and pup are best off without him. You may not feel it now but you will be stronger for this. Take care lovely xx

Holiday is bringing up a fair few issues for me - volume I'm drinking isn't out of my norm but clearly is more than most of the people I'm with. At dinner yesterday there was a conversation about how my mil used to drink too much...she basically described my current habits; it was cringy, especially with my dh sitting there obviously aware of my drinking problems. I got very paranoid and wondered if my dh had spoken to my mil about things or whether she's noticed I drink a lot and was making a point. Urg.

Sorry not to nc all but I hope you are all ok. elba hugs

claret conversations like that make me uncomfortable too. I think the fact that you are aware of things means that it's going to make you feel a bit paranoid, even if actually it's not directed at you. Hope your having a good time aside from that though!

lala big hugs, sorry you feel so low.

I'm also hungover, and possibly still a bit drunk too. And have a huge bruise on my thigh and no idea how I got it, also no recollection of how I got to bed or when. I'm not going to drink today, it's just not worth it anymore.

Lala - this is typical abuser behaviour.

It is not your fault.

You didn't cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot change it.

None of his behaviour is a reflection on who you are.

The turning up with a 'witness' isn't just about intimidation - it is projection too.

It's subversive behaviour designed to make you subconsciously internalise that you are the abusive one and he needs 'protection'

If you start to examine your relationship I'll bet my last fiver that you will find loads of examples of such projection; little comments, actions, behaviour s designed to throw you off the scent of who has the real issue and re-cast you as the villain.

Classic mind control.

Thank you all so much for your support claret, hope, pink, elba, and halle, you are all lovely. Had a horrendous day at work, so glad it is Friday. Felt a bit shaky and nauseous earlier, bloody alcohol. Having said that, I have just poured a glass of wine. I am an idiot.

I find it so difficult not to drink when times are hard. And get into such a bad cycle. So much easier to be AF when things are going well, and they don't seem to be going at all well at the moment.

I feel like a fool for letting him get away with everything for so long, and pink, I think you are right. Everytime he swore at me, threw stuff or hit me, it was 'my fault' as it was 'my behaviour' that caused him to do it. And his point blank denial that he had done anything wrong seriously made me question my own sanity on quite a few occasions. Sounds stupid, but I am really sad, we did have some really good times, and I miss him. Plus I am getting older now, getting worried about the future (not that that is any reason for staying in a relationship). Feeling pretty bleak right now.

How is everyone? claret and elba, totally get the paranoia thing, thinking maybe people are making not so subtle hints about my behaviour eg. I managed to spill a bit of my coffee this morning, and mentioned it to a colleague who asked me in a jokey way if I was sure it was just coffee I was drinking... Or I was invited to a friend's wedding and another friend said 'you're only going for the piss up' makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Anyway, going to try not to drink too much this evening, but feeling a bit sad and lonely. Not really got plans for this weekend. He sort of isolated me from my friends, so they sort of stopped asking me to make plans... Makes me sound like a right friendless loser!

Big hugs lala. Try not drink to much cause as we now it causes depression the following day. Well im nearly 6 days AF .... But still taking pills so really im
No better than a heavy drinker im now a pill popping junkie. Well at least im not mixing the two. Lala im the same when im
Having a hard time, I want drink. However, the sly cunning bastard that drink is ... Makes me wanna drink when I feel good to "celebrate". In truth, there will always ways be an excuse to drink .... The hard part is trying to find an excuse NOT to. Ive got mine for tonight. Ive take. Some pills. You can't mix the two ir it can kill you. So I absolutely will not take that risk and drink tonight. Did u say u drive lala? Cause U shld make plans for like 7am tomorrow (gym, run, swim?) and make sure u HAVE to drive to whereever it is and that may deter you from drinking or drinking As much. Believe me ive lost my license before for drink driving and that while year of being a bus wanker was hellish xxx

Lala

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's book?

If you haven't I highly recommend it.

He has a website and FB page too.

I found the process of reading and dissecting quite cathartic.

Everyone's different, of course, but just another avenue to explore.

Susan Forward may also be a helpful addition to your library - Toxic Parents, Emotional Abuse.

lala yes it's definitely harder to be AF when things are not going well. For me it also makes my drinking so much more destructive. I think it's natural to be missing him despite anything, you wouldn't of got into the relationship if there weren't some positive aspects too. Completely relate to worrying about the future, think I'm a similar age to you and everyone's settling down, having babies, getting married etc...feel like I'm left behind. Ugh sorry, that's probably not very helpful, just trying (clumsily) that I empathise. Can you make a couple of plans for the weekend, even if it's by yourself? Puppy walks, horse riding??

Been holed up in my room all day with horrible anxiety, totally my own fault. Not helped by the realisation that I have just under 60 hours to work by this time next week. Not coping with it brilliantly at the moment, and questioning myself and my decisions all the time. But at least it doesn't leave much opportunity for bingeing. I'm determined not to drink tonight though, actually feel quite ill from the last couple of days.

Quick check in, day 6 today but I'm planning to have two glasses of wine tonight and two tomorrow. I hope I can stick to it as I don't want to not drink again ever but I do want to control what I do drink, and not drink most of the time.

pink, I will look into it. Thank you, my lovely. elba - hugs. hope so proud of you.

Just been to the pub and had three pints with my colleague. I was the life and soul. However, just got home and now feeling oh so sad.

Going to take my dog for a walk. And trying to think positive. It's hard when your brain is addled with alcohol....

I'd wager that the alcohol is more of a symptom than cause

On a positive note, some guy I met in the pub the other night (u know, I know), has asked if he can come with me on the dog walk. All would be fine but he is only 21!!!

I have politely declined.