Did my husband cross the line with Platonic Facebook friend.

[stridz]

My 51 year old husband had a Facebook friendship with a very attractive 37 year old - someone who had worked at his office some time ago. There were lots of likes between them, plenty of innuendo and lots of private messages. She has very sexy minx profile pictures and has public settings so I think she enjoys getting attention. She originally asked him to be a Facebook friend (and nobody else from their old office life). He decided he wanted to "get to know her better" as they got on so well - there appears to have been a real spark between them. He questioned himself whether this was the right thing to do but decided to do it anyway as life is too short. So he asked her if she would like to be meet up as he wanted to be "more than Facebook friends". He invited her out to an evening rendezvous in our local city centre on a night when I would be out. He even cleaned the car inside and out beforehand (something he never normally does) and gave her a lift home to her parents house - where she was staying as she no longer lives in this country but reguarly comes back to our city to visit said parents. He wanted to see her before she left the country again. He says he tried to tell me he was going to be meeting her but said I didn't appear to be listening so he assumed it would be ok. He said nothing about his evening out when I returned that night - the night of his rendezvous - but he seemed in a very good mood. The next morning he told me nothing. However I found a receipt in the bin the next day and didn't think much to it but casually asked him about it. He very sheepishly and quite dreamily said it was to do with "seeing his friend before she went back to . There was something about his response that set my alarm bells ringing, and I had to tease the information out of him to find out about his evening out. I think he would have been happy to not say anything. Does anybody else out there think he crossed a line and think he was entering dangerous territory? I think if he had doubts he should have made sure he sat me down and told me about his plans properly. I think she was possibly starting to "reel him in". He said it was platonic, but I feel very uncomfortable about it. What do others think?

He never meant to hurt you because he never intended you to find out.

I'm sorry, stridz but you're so very desperate to cling on to your marriage, your man of many years that you will re-frame the situation, mould it into however it needs to be to give you quiet in your head.

You can shout down the noise and smother it with 'quiet' as much as you like. You might be able to gloss over it for a period of time but, if you are an honest person you will not be able to be diverted from the truth.

Your husband went on a date. If he would have been at all able to make it happen, it would have been sexual. It's not because of your husband that it didn't become sexual. He has absolutely no respect for you and, I'll tell you this as well - IF you are successful at smothering the noise in your head with 'quiet', then don't be at all surprised to find that your husband (who knows full well what he's done), takes advantage of that for the next woman who comes along. Well, why shouldn't he? He knows you are so desperate to hang on to your marriage that you will do ANYTHING to achieve that. You're proving this to him with every day that passes.

AnchorDownDeepBreath's posts are startlingly on point and well worth another read because not only is your husband lying to you, you are lying to yourself - and that's worse. If you can't trust yourself to know the truth and do what's best for you anymore... what then?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and reading these posts must be devastatingly difficult for you but I promise you, what your husband has done - it's NOT the end.

I too believe that he never actively set out to hurt you, BUT he never put in place the 'brakes' that would have prevented you being hurt in the first place. Benign neglect for your feelings, for your marriage.

He just doesn't see it as a date - just old colleague meeting for a drink - and that's the line she took. Chatting about ex work colleagues and their old work place. That's what she told me anyway when I messaged her. So why the lift home, cleaning of car and me not being fully informed? And why the comment re the quality of her company on facebook the next day, and why the deleted private messages - which he said he deleted because I'd misconstrue the slightest thing. So why does she ask him if she should accept my friend request. Maybe he'd let her know that there rumblings as they were communicating a lot - seemingly as Best Friends......

I am probably going against what everyone else has said so far, but, if you don't mind, I'd like to just maybe suggest a different way of looking at this. It's possible that he purely did want to meet this lady in a pure innocent way. I know a lot of what you said makes it look and sound very suspicious, but sometimes, people do and say things without thinking how it might look to someone else.

To give an example, my dad is late 60's and he joined Facebook about 12 months ago. It was quite new to him and he started getting lots of friend requests and likes and messages from people who he'd worked with previously or some who he'd even known from school, many years ago.

He was having problems with his Facebook and asked me to help him, which I did. While I was sorting it, I happened to look at his messages - he was sat next to me, one of the issues was he'd claimed a message had 'vanished' - and I noticed some of his messages were very naive to say the least. 'I would love to meet you again soon' or 'I remember you, I always felt we got on well' or 'you still look lovely like you did before' .. I knew mum would think the same as me, so I asked him and he really did look shocked and I could tell he'd honestly not thought how these messages could read.
I am not saying your husband is definitely not trying to cheat, but, there is a possible chance he hasn't thought how it might seem to you. Maybe he's just a bit silly and possibly a little flattered.
One way of testing the water, why not say to him the next time he is wanting to meet her, you want to go too, so you can meet her and get to know her. I would think you can judge by his reaction if he's got anything to hide or not

I think you know the answer to all of those questions, stridz. It's not her, it's him. HE is the one who is doing this to you, doing all he can to set up a date with more in his mind.

Do you honestly believe what he tells you about this woman? He's lied to you so far in every way that he could. Why would she want to accept a friend request from you anyway? You're not her friend and have nothing to do with her. I wouldn't accept one but then I wouldn't be going on dates with another man.

What do you believe that he told her about this 'date'? Do you think it bears any relation to what he told you? Do you think that he saw this as friendship in his head? Really?

You seem nice OP. You don't deserve such a stupid, careless and devious husband.

Thanks LyingWitch - your take on it has been helpful. What would you do?

What would I do? If I really wanted to hang on to my marriage - and I understand completely how you feel, I've been married for 18 years myself - I would ask him to leave right now for a week or so, longer if you can stand it.

I would tell him that he isn't 'getting it' and anything that comes out of his mouth now is just in agreement with me, not that he believes he has done anything wrong. So, I would tell him to go - get to a B&B and think about what he stands to lose.

I honestly do think time away from you and from his home comforts would really force him to think about how life would be if you made it permanent. It would also give you breathing space to consider whether you really and truly want to keep your marriage and, if you do, ON WHAT TERMS? You might decide to change your own style a bit, ie. if you defer to him quite often, you might take back control and show him a new, more determined you.

Do you think you could ever do that? Tell him to leave for a while whilst you gather your thoughts and think about your marriage without him hovering around like a bad smell? I think you could do with that time.

As difficult as it would be for me to ask my husband to leave, I would have to have some time by myself and either he would need to leave OR I would look up a package holiday for myself and take myself out of his orbit for a week or two. I wouldn't necessarily tell him either - just that I wanted space away from him.

It is only you who can decide, stridz, none of us here knows him BUT we know what you've posted and if we're posting harshly, it's because you are justifiably angry and you're telling us the things that are hurting you the most. Every woman on this thread is on your side. Completely.

I bloody am nice - and that's why it hurts so much. I don't deserve this. And maybe no other woman does no matter what she's like. And that's probably why he thought I wouldn't mind - because I'm too nice.....

Sophieth - you are right about him not thinking about how it would look, but then again - I think he thought I probably wouldnt really know about - be oblivious. He is silly, yes he was flattered. And no he wont be seeing her again as he has unfriended her. He has said he will never be in contact with her again, and I've told him if she makes contact in any shape or form I am to be told about it immediately.

Thanks LyingWitch. I obviously need support.

stridz you can't get past this as you both know he went on a date yet he won't genuinly apologise for it.

He wants you to get over it quickly because he is sick of hearing about how he took another woman in a date and you were not happy about it. That's not the actions of a genuinly sorry man.

I can cry easily too if needed, his tears mean nothing. The only thing that can only help you move on from this if he admits he took this girl on a date with the intentions of ego boosting or what ever could have happened.

He isn't really sorry op and if you let this go I can gaurentee it will give him the green light to carry on fishing for attention of other women.

What he has done and still doing is utterly disrespectful to you

I don't see this as the actions of a silly man - these are the actions of an incredibly selfish penis lead man.

None of us know!
Not even you know for sure what had happened.
Keep doing what you feel
Is best.
We are strangers in the Internet and we don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship. Only YOU know that.
This is your life. The one that you have to live.
This is your decision.

Stridz It does sound at the moment like nothing happened that evening but he was smitten with her. I think you both need to talk about your relationship and check in with each other if you are both "happy". This could be a symptom of him not being happy in some way. Maybe you both need to shake things up and do things differently. Date nights, weekends away etc. Twenty five years together is a long time and sometimes you take each other for granted and stop seeing each other as desirable. It can take a near miss to shock you both out of a lull and can be a wake up call. For what it's worth I have been with my husband 32 years and we went through something similar about 10 years ago.

Disclaimer, I am not in any way saying this is the OPs fault!

This wasn't a 'near miss' and stridz knows that. That's why she's posted the thread. It would have been a 'direct hit' if the woman had been up for it. He's lied. We've been told that, it's not hearsay, it's fact. He's liked to stridz and she doesn't need to have that minimised.

The idea that he gets a reward of a 'date night' makes me very annoyed.

Stridz you have no guarantees of anything, nor should you accept any. Where there's a will there's a way. Unfriending is meaningless.

I agree with everything you say Jemmima and its interesting to get your perspective given your experience. I have to go with what I know about him and what feels right. This has been dreadful. But if he steps out of line again - it's over. Trust me everyone else I have made him suffer for this.

Where you are right now, in terms of getting through this, is right at the very, very beginning.

LyingWitch gives the advice that is most often recommended. That cheats or potential cheats only learn by seeing what they are losing.

I agree about you taking a holiday, and not telling him. And I think he needs to go to a B and B for a while. Again, no definitive end date so he has no idea of when he's coming back.

It's extremely effective.

The Shirley Glass book is highly recommended in situations such as these

There was a fabulous poster WhenWillIFeelNormal who went through similar. She gave awesome advice, utterly nailed it every time. I miss her.

She said it took her 3 years to feel normal. And this with a dh who was utterly committed to saving his marriage at any cost, total transparency, understanding that he was going to get flak for a loooong time and took it with grace and humility.

Your h has to understand the journey he has to now take to win you back. Until he stops lying and minimising what he has done, until he sees what it's going to cost him the chance of success is lower than it could be.

(((Another hug))))))

I also agree that to throw it all away after so long is hasty, you both deserve the chance to get through this, but the leaving and B&b are excellent methods to adopt to focus minds.

He's a silly billy? This is a joke. This cannot be real. Nobody is that naïve.

Also wonder what he really gets up to behind your back as he wasn't even hiding this.

Check his phone/bank statements look for large ATM withdrawls

Something has made him feel like an entitled sex god able to pull much younger women and I bet its other young women

Be very careful this isn't a red herring!

You don't know that Lying. The "date" nights I am referring to are after the talking and if OP wants to continue her marriage which she does seem to want to do. I was referring to the date nights etc as ways if rebuilding the relationship and getting back on track.

We do know he's been lying, Jemmima because stridz told us that. Until he stops lying there isn't a hope of rebuilding the relationship because everything will be based on a lie.

At the moment, stridz is desperate to hold onto what she has and I understand that. I don't think she's in a place of real anger yet just desperation and her husband has no interest in disclosing what happened. The anger comes later; either that or you shut down the 'noise' in your head and do yourself real damage. stridz will agree with any poster who can give her comfort in her decision not to confront this. We're all just giving our opinions and I don't happen to agree with yours.

Only stridz can decide on her marriage and I think everybody's respected that she wants to stay with her husband.

Lying I was referring to your comment that he would have Definately had sex with her if she had been up for it. From everything OP has said, this doesn't seem like a clear cut situation. He has lots of female colleagues and friends that he spends time with so its not unusual for him.