Did my husband cross the line with Platonic Facebook friend.

[stridz]

My 51 year old husband had a Facebook friendship with a very attractive 37 year old - someone who had worked at his office some time ago. There were lots of likes between them, plenty of innuendo and lots of private messages. She has very sexy minx profile pictures and has public settings so I think she enjoys getting attention. She originally asked him to be a Facebook friend (and nobody else from their old office life). He decided he wanted to "get to know her better" as they got on so well - there appears to have been a real spark between them. He questioned himself whether this was the right thing to do but decided to do it anyway as life is too short. So he asked her if she would like to be meet up as he wanted to be "more than Facebook friends". He invited her out to an evening rendezvous in our local city centre on a night when I would be out. He even cleaned the car inside and out beforehand (something he never normally does) and gave her a lift home to her parents house - where she was staying as she no longer lives in this country but reguarly comes back to our city to visit said parents. He wanted to see her before she left the country again. He says he tried to tell me he was going to be meeting her but said I didn't appear to be listening so he assumed it would be ok. He said nothing about his evening out when I returned that night - the night of his rendezvous - but he seemed in a very good mood. The next morning he told me nothing. However I found a receipt in the bin the next day and didn't think much to it but casually asked him about it. He very sheepishly and quite dreamily said it was to do with "seeing his friend before she went back to . There was something about his response that set my alarm bells ringing, and I had to tease the information out of him to find out about his evening out. I think he would have been happy to not say anything. Does anybody else out there think he crossed a line and think he was entering dangerous territory? I think if he had doubts he should have made sure he sat me down and told me about his plans properly. I think she was possibly starting to "reel him in". He said it was platonic, but I feel very uncomfortable about it. What do others think?

What to do you think of this text he sent me a few days after I found out: "I really don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to meet . It showed bad judgment on my my part. I feel a bit of an imbecile. Sorry.

He is a liar and deep down you do know that. You caught him out trying to arrange a sexual liaison that's cheating g in my book. Do you have to catch him in the act to think he has crossed the line ?
He has shat on 20 years of marriage of course he was intending to shag her in the car if she had been up to it. He was only reeled in as he took the bait.
Only you can decide where you go from here but please think very carefully before making any decisions

Except she's not a new friend is she?

She is someone he used to work with.
Someone he exchanged innuendo and cheeky messages with.

If someone someone said to me they wanted to be more than FB friends, I'd be under no illusion what the request was and consider it a come on.

She only FB requested him right? Then this means that there was clearly banter or flirting while they worked together. The precedent was already eatablished before it was set in Internet concrete.

The fact that it's only him makes her look better not worse.

Not that it matters, because she could literally have all men in 150mile radius lining up to shag her, that's her business. What is your business is that your h has not excluded himself from the queue.

No, he actively arranged a night when you were out, neglected to mention what he was doing and clearly had lascivious thoughts on his mind so he prepared his car, then had the bollocks to reply dreamily when asked about the receipt

He has minimised every single action. He has you second guessing yourself and falling for the bs that is the wonton woman lured my dh to a rendezvous. He invited her, and paid for it.

Whether he touched her or not, he has conducted an emotional affair right under your nose and now wants you to get over it.

As for you hitting him in the pocket as punishment, it doesn't stop them, it means that the cost of their infidelity, emotional or physical goes up and effectively justifies it in their heads that he did it, got away with it and you're ok with it as you got a bauble.

The reply to that text is "I'm not prepared to be married to an imbecile, or a liar or a cheat or someone who thinks I am stupid enough not to notice how little he thinks of me"

His text reeks of damage limitation.playing the poor naive victim - don't fall for it

It is tricky.

But fact is, he went on a date with her. The car cleaning is neither here nor there.

He is telling you why him dating another woman is ok. You are trying to tell yourself it is ok. You are both telling yourselves there is no difference whether he goes out with a 50yr old bloke or a younger woman.

It is not the same.

You know that. That is why you feel uneasy about the whole thing.

You said he questioned himself befell he asked her out and wondered if it was the right thing.

He said to himself "life is too short" and went ahead.

Therefore it's not a case of him being simple, naive or a bit meh about your feelings

He then went on to NOT tell you about the date sufficiently

You're falling for an awful lot of cheater script bollocks here love.

I'll say it again...he wants someone to wash his dirty pants until she is back in the country. He's not a fool, far from it.

He's on probation anyway......

He is seeing how much a mug he can make of you before you call time. You have a pack of trouble ahead of you if you stay in a relationship with a man who behaves like this I think.

It's your choice for staying with him but please don't make excuses for him and don't fall for his claptrap. That's all it is. Claptrap.
I bet he always puts this simple-minded act whenever he wants to get away with something.

No - I wont make excuses for him. And I will be very wary from now on. He has ALOT of making up to me now. And if he can't do that or doesn't stick with his sincere promise for this sort of thing to NEVER happen again then our marriage will be over. But painful as things are I think the marriage needs to be be given a chance.

I'm sorry but I think he's slept with this woman already

Do you still love and respect him Stridz? It's obviously your choice to give the marriage a chance but please make sure you're doing it because it's what will make you happy not because of the kids or the habit.

Maybe he is spectacularly naive... Maybe... But it really doesn't sound like it tbh.

Good luck with your decision.

You have made your mind up, it seems

Ok. No worries. You know where we are if you need us again.

Thanks all. If he's failing me again and/or does ANYTHING like this again I will call time on our marriage regardless of the consequences.

How do YOU actually know that he has cut all ties? You don't. He has had his head turned and is smitten. Can this feeling he has just dissolve into nothing though, just because you found out, or will he just be much more careful and inventive. He wants you to let it go but it's a bit of a cheating scenario if you ask me. He was excited to go out with this woman. I would keep an eye on this for awhile.

have you checked out if he uses Whatsapp, kik, Viber, Voxer, Google Hangouts...

I could go on

He's been very stupid and needs to admit he was wrong, but after 20 years of marriage I'd probably give him another chance but he should be on his knees grovelling to you - don't make it easy for him.

I think if he'd been caught out actually having a sexual liaison in some respects it would be less complicated for me - I would just sling him out. But this is tricky. WE have been married for very nearly 20 years. We have kids.

He has. It's only the fact that you want to stay with him that you can't see it -your blinded by who you want him to be, and he's desperately trying to play the stupid fool to make you forgive him.

He went on a date with another woman. He absolutely knew what he was doing. Every step of the way. This wasn't a silly mistake, they didn't bump into each other and he got carried away and then realised how close to the line he'd been when he thought about you... He planned a date with her. He had extended conversations with her. He lied to you, and cleaned the car out, and took her out. And he wasn't going to mention it to you. If you hadn't found the receipt, he'd never have told you. He'd probably be booking their next date.

All his silly reassurances now and are just to stop you leaving because she's not around. She doesn't come back often sometimes? Irrelevant, you shouldn't be relying on a woman staying in another country to stop your husband trying to date her. She isn't attractive? He didn't think that whilst he was flirting with her and planning their date. He wouldn't have gone to so much effort if he wasn't attracted to her. He wouldn't have risked your marriage for that, right? He's an imbecile and he didn't realise what he was doing... unless he spends large portions of his life with absolutely no awareness of who he is and what he's doing, that's balls. And if he does, he probably needs medical help, and you need a better husband. I bet he doesn't forget what he's doing at work...

It's fine to give him another chance. You have a long marriage and if this isn't enough to make you walk away, that's your decision. We all have different limits. You can't let him convince you this was nothing though. He isn't making it up to you at the moment, he's lying and minimising so you'll back off and settle down. He needs to admit exactly what he did, what his intentions were and why he risked it all. He needs to be responsible for his actions. If he can't be, you can't trust him not to be off dating other women whenever he thinks you've moved on from this and you're busy.

Don't mistake his half-apologies and lies for grovelling. At the moment he seems to be chucking all the lies out and seeing what sticks. That's not being sorry. It makes it seem like he doesn't think you'd leave, therefore he can act as he pleases and just pay you lip service if you're ever angry enough to question him.

without a shadow of a doubt he wanted more than a platonic supper with a friend.
This would have become an affair in the full sense if you had not found out.
One of the types of affairs is 'the entitled' affair...people minimise what they are doing to themselves by justifying it as ' lifes too short/i deserve this ' type thinking...so tick to that one.
Second he didn't tell you or talk about it afterwards...keeping it secret...tick two
he said he wanted more than facebook friends....err....wake up OP ..what more is there ? a whole lot more is what he wanted....tick three
It is also very classic for someone who has been found out to firstly minimise the situation, second superficially grovel, then blame shift , then start with the pity party ' the i have been a bit of imbecile'...tick four

Please do not start down the ' poor man he couldn't help himself..this young minx/scarlet harlot went after him and he was defenceless' . It is often done by betrayed wife's as a way of absolving themselves from actually facing the fact that their DH's have been cheating . He went after her ....he wanted more than FB friends...tick five

come on OP you sound intelligent enough..I agree with giving people a second chance and working on a marriage but you are entitled to be upset and cross and everything else for as long as you bloomin well like.

2 weeks is nothing...

Get THIS BOOK
Read it together. Or you read it then get him to read it.
It will help him understand what you are going through.

As the saying goes:-

Trust takes; years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.

I really hope nothing happened between them other than flirting.
And I hope you can rebuild your marriage.

Give it time. Don't expect it to be great.
It can take years before you fully trust them again.

I had a platonic work friend. I always told OH whenever I spoke to him. OH said it wasn't necessary to tell him every time but I believe that faithfulness is like justice. It doesn't just need to be done, it needs to be seen being done. Lies or omissions do not have a place when you have a friend of the opposite sex.

Thank you hellsbellsmelons. Im buying the book. Thanks for your supportive comments.

What do you all think of this. The meet-up was at a pub. He ate, she didnt. She had 4 glassrs of wine only 1 of which he paid for. It was after his after-work football. I wasnt there when he got back home u probably about 9.45pm but he told our teenage daughter where he'd been and who with. He knew he possibly wouldnt see her again for another 3 years - her return its to see her family are not frequent. How do you all view this information?