Did my husband cross the line with Platonic Facebook friend.

[stridz]

My 51 year old husband had a Facebook friendship with a very attractive 37 year old - someone who had worked at his office some time ago. There were lots of likes between them, plenty of innuendo and lots of private messages. She has very sexy minx profile pictures and has public settings so I think she enjoys getting attention. She originally asked him to be a Facebook friend (and nobody else from their old office life). He decided he wanted to "get to know her better" as they got on so well - there appears to have been a real spark between them. He questioned himself whether this was the right thing to do but decided to do it anyway as life is too short. So he asked her if she would like to be meet up as he wanted to be "more than Facebook friends". He invited her out to an evening rendezvous in our local city centre on a night when I would be out. He even cleaned the car inside and out beforehand (something he never normally does) and gave her a lift home to her parents house - where she was staying as she no longer lives in this country but reguarly comes back to our city to visit said parents. He wanted to see her before she left the country again. He says he tried to tell me he was going to be meeting her but said I didn't appear to be listening so he assumed it would be ok. He said nothing about his evening out when I returned that night - the night of his rendezvous - but he seemed in a very good mood. The next morning he told me nothing. However I found a receipt in the bin the next day and didn't think much to it but casually asked him about it. He very sheepishly and quite dreamily said it was to do with "seeing his friend before she went back to . There was something about his response that set my alarm bells ringing, and I had to tease the information out of him to find out about his evening out. I think he would have been happy to not say anything. Does anybody else out there think he crossed a line and think he was entering dangerous territory? I think if he had doubts he should have made sure he sat me down and told me about his plans properly. I think she was possibly starting to "reel him in". He said it was platonic, but I feel very uncomfortable about it. What do others think?

I agree with PPs, without a doubt this was way over the line and yes, it was a date.
So sorry, what a horrid thing to do with you, and your subsequent post about him saying publicly on Facebook what great company she'd been - awful!

Him parroting that it was friendship only doesn't wash, literally everything about his behaviour says otherwise - cleaning the car out for heavens sake?!

He can't expect you to instantly get over this, that is also unfair and unacceptable. I'm sure he'd love it to be water under the bridge but things like that absolutely do rankle and rightly, stay in your mind. It's not a small thing is it really?

Hope you work things out, he really needs to take your feelings about this seriously though, just as a basic starting point. I'm not a marriage expert but that really seems like page one in the manual for a situation like this.

The blame for all of this lies solely, solely at the feet of your husband. Not her.

It was him who pursued this "more than friendship". Don't blame the woman. This is all him.

Some people never get over betrayal, I don't think I could get over this if this happened to me but it certainly wouldn't be in two weeks!

It wasn't just a night out he went out on a date and if he had half the chance I'm sure he would have accidentally done something non-plutonic it's all the cleaning of car, hiding receipt, deception about where he was going and then telling you he owed it to himself to see what happened and that he had "told" you he knew full well he hadn't because let's face it you would have said no - what happened is he didn't get what he wanted, and totally and utterly disrespected you and your marriage

I'm so sorry OP

The accusations of you being unreasonable and not understanding how upset you are are just as bad as the act of going on a date with her. And he thinks he's trying to be a better husband??

OP I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I'd be gutted and don't know if I could come back from it. I'd probably ask him to move out and let him do some serious running if he wanted me back. He's a fool. How can he expect to simply apologise and that everything will go back to normal!!

He was 100% in the wrong.

He needs to do some major grovelling and apologising and he needs to really listen to you when you tell him how betrayed you feel. He needs to appreciate that he could lose you over this and that needs to scare him.

If he doesn't do any of that, I'd be chucking him out.

I hate that he thinks it's OK just because they didn't sleep together. It was a date with an intent to begin an affair.

He IS expecting me to get over it at some point - "as it WAS JUST FRIENDSHIP" - that he has made very plain. I've been telling him he may not have intended anything when he "got on that bus", he didn't intend to hurt me, he didn't intend a sexual destination - but he did decide to get on it.................and although not intentional - it did, and still hurts me. He says sometimes she doesn't return from - Italy - there Ive said it now - for 3 years - so WHY did he have to SEE her......? Why not just the chit-chat on Facebook? If you could see her profile pictures- which are public by the way - she looks way younger than 37. He says he wasn't attracted to them. He said during our bust up 2 weeks ago - it was that "they got on" and he "enjoyed her company". I am convinced nothing un-platonic did happen - otherwise I would have thrown him out and divorce proceedings would have started - but it's still very hard to get over.

Yes, he has done major grovelling and apologising, but he's frustrated that I still feel betrayed - even though "it was JUST A FRIENDSHIP".

Completely not acceptable IMO. As per PPs, he went on a date and expected you to be the doormat that was there for him afterwards. The whole thing (including FB posts afterwards - WTAF?!) is beyond disrespectful, extremely selfish and childish TBH.

He's off Facebook for a week? This is a punishment for a 12 year old not a 51 year old man who has just just behaved appallingly and should know better. Is FB the only way he can contact her btw?

you sound in a bit of a bit of a "dream" yourself, stridz

your husband dated another woman

do you date other men in your marriage ?

My Ex did pretty much the same thing. Kept posting messages on FB about how every time she changed her profile pic she just looked better and better, etc.
I left him because, even though I knew he was just a sad old 50 year old who would never get her into bed, it wasn't for the want of trying.
It was humiliating for me to see the things he posted about her on FB and it made me look stupid as all our mutual friends could see them.
It won't get any better and you can give him as many ultimatums as you like, he will keep pursuing her.

He says she doesn't have his mobile number but she knows where he works. She was "only" in contact via Facebook. I have told him I want to know if she tries to contact him - no matter what - even though he's vowed never to be in contact with her again as he doesn't want to lose me. You know that night I was looking after my elderly dad and a disabled neice so that my mum who is my Dad's carer could have a day out. He contacted her about being more than Facebook friends when I was away for the weekend visiting my Dad when he was in hospital - because he felt lonely. I actually don't want to lose him but I'm not sure of the way forward.

Huh - the only other men in my life are the elderly dog walkers. But the builders will be moving in in the field behind our house - so there will be plenty of men younger than myself then. But I'm not a hypocrite.........

exactly

But it's not "just a friendship" whey you hide it from your OH that you met up until they find a receipt. When you aren't open enough to tell your OH you're meeting up. Heck I'd probably invite my oh to come and meet a colleague I liked so much if they were just a friend.

He didn't think I'd care or mind about it.

that's because he has zero respect for you

he was cultivating an affair in plain sight, there is nothing more pisstaking than that

he didn't even have the decency to try and hide it

and you have fulfilled his prophecy, tbh

there are no consequences for him

I wonder how long until he targets his next paramour

He says he didnt intend to hide it from me. He thought he'd told me but I obviously wasnt listening. He said nothing about it when I got back the night he met-up with her. And he said nothing about it the following morning - although there isn't much time in the mornings admittedly.

He didn't think you'd mind?
No he hoped you wouldn't make a fuss.

I certainly made him suffer and reduced him to breakdown.

Yes I agree - it was easier if I happened to find out the facts instead of him telling me straight.

If he can't understand why your upset about this "friendship" - which is not innocent because he would have told you! And you would not have had to prise the details out of him after it happened, then I'm sorry but I wouldn't be in the same house as him until he realises what he has done.

He didn't say anything to you because he knew you would be annoyed but did feel it was ok to go on about what great company she was the next day and things like "I owed it to myself" are massive red flags what if he meets someone else attractive who is open to it?

And I felt lonely is nearly as bad as my wife doesn't understand me.

Maybe you will need to have some couples counselling? He doesn't understand why your upset it's not going to get any better for you until he starts to show some empathy

He caused his breakdown.

NOT YOU.

He is at fault.

NOT YOU.

he had a "breakdown" to make you shut the fuck up

and it's working

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

MINIMISATION

Denial

&

BLAME!!!

He knew exactly what he was doing.
He didn't tell you properly and you known it. You are not gong mad or deaf. He certainly would have only mumbled a handful of words and then blamed you for not listening.

Cleaning the car

Arranging ot for a night you are away

Telling her he wanted to be more than FB friends when he was in hospital and feeling lonely.

For. Fucks. sake.

He's a married man, a text or call to you would have sufficed.

He is caning the cheater script.

He is pissed off that you have not just got over his date.

He thinks he was justified in doing it!
This is a really big and massive thing he did, but he wants you to just stfu and get over yourself.

I'm livid in your behalf. You deserve much Better than this.

Having cheated & been cheated on in the past, I must say the sexual part of cheating, for me, is irrelevant.

It's all about trust.