Did my husband cross the line with Platonic Facebook friend.

[stridz]

My 51 year old husband had a Facebook friendship with a very attractive 37 year old - someone who had worked at his office some time ago. There were lots of likes between them, plenty of innuendo and lots of private messages. She has very sexy minx profile pictures and has public settings so I think she enjoys getting attention. She originally asked him to be a Facebook friend (and nobody else from their old office life). He decided he wanted to "get to know her better" as they got on so well - there appears to have been a real spark between them. He questioned himself whether this was the right thing to do but decided to do it anyway as life is too short. So he asked her if she would like to be meet up as he wanted to be "more than Facebook friends". He invited her out to an evening rendezvous in our local city centre on a night when I would be out. He even cleaned the car inside and out beforehand (something he never normally does) and gave her a lift home to her parents house - where she was staying as she no longer lives in this country but reguarly comes back to our city to visit said parents. He wanted to see her before she left the country again. He says he tried to tell me he was going to be meeting her but said I didn't appear to be listening so he assumed it would be ok. He said nothing about his evening out when I returned that night - the night of his rendezvous - but he seemed in a very good mood. The next morning he told me nothing. However I found a receipt in the bin the next day and didn't think much to it but casually asked him about it. He very sheepishly and quite dreamily said it was to do with "seeing his friend before she went back to . There was something about his response that set my alarm bells ringing, and I had to tease the information out of him to find out about his evening out. I think he would have been happy to not say anything. Does anybody else out there think he crossed a line and think he was entering dangerous territory? I think if he had doubts he should have made sure he sat me down and told me about his plans properly. I think she was possibly starting to "reel him in". He said it was platonic, but I feel very uncomfortable about it. What do others think?

He told your teenage DD he's been out on a date with a 37 year old Italian woman??
I doubt that is how the conversation went.
4 glasses of wine is very precise.
How much did he drink?

Weird.

She's English. He had a pint of bitter and a cordial and water. He bought 1 glass of wine. Is he just spectacularly naive and unthinking?

Your husband is behaving like a love sick puppy and is flattered by the attention. Any contact that he has had with this woman he hasn't told you about is emotional adultery at the least. It is not how happily married people behave.

She worked in his department years ago. He bumped into her once at a country park when he was on a dog walk with our daugher. He hasn't seen her since then - but obviously felt compelled to meet-up - as they got on so well...................a short Lunch would have been better........although not totally......

He has had a lot of private chat with colleagues, female friends - he works with a lot of women and gets on better with them than other men. Ive seen it and it's innocuous. Some of his oldest female friends he'll have lunch with. He had lunch with a very much younger ex-work colleague. Ive been fine with it all. But this feels different. You know why anyway......and if you saw the pictures of her....... however...he says he's not attracted to her - it's because they get on so well..........

.....and it almost seems like he couldnt tell the difference......except he wondered if it was the right thing to do. But still did it. I am as certain as I can be that there was absolutely NOTHING sexual - pure friendship - and she may not return if past history repeats itself for another possible 3 years. But it still all feels wrong............

however...he says he's not attracted to her - it's because they get on so well..........

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😊

Really...

Full valet?, skippy and extremely happy the night he went out with her? dreamy comments the morning after?

I'll be VERY surprised if he ACTUALLY went to football that evening.

4 glasses is a LOT of wine in an hour or so...

Where was the receipt? Did you see it?

It feels different love, because it IS different.

Listen to your instincts here, he's still lying.

They were together for about 2 and a half hours. He'd left the receipt in plain view. He didnt try to hide it. Yes I saw the receipt and saw the glass of white wine - that aroused my interest - actually I thought he'd just had a pudding. When I asked that question he said in a slightly sheepish embarrassed soppy way - that was a glass of wine for my friend - as she's going back to Italy.....

Although after I'd questoned the receipt and he knew I had it he snatched it off me and threw it away.......

After I found out I befreinded her on Facebook. She asked him if she should accept my request - my husband said yes. I sent her a message saying how annoyed I was etc in so many words. She said it was just ex-colleagues having a drink and that she sweared she had no designs on my husband. she'd checked it with her partner if ok to go out. I said she might not have crossed a line but she definitely did.

None of these details change anything.

He took her on a date. He's lying to you about it. You know he took her on a date but you're stuck between blaming her for having sexy profile photos and not wanting to believe that he'd behave so terribly. He did. He is the one that is married to you and he took another woman on a date.

It doesn't matter if she spends the next 15 years in orbit. Your husband took her on a date. If he's right and he doesn't even particularly fancy her (he clearly does a bit because nobody dates people that they think are unattractive), it doesn't need to be her anyway. It could be anyone.

Yes you're right. And it's so hard because if I knew there was anything sexual - non-platonic I would be planning a separation in preparation for divorce. But this is bloody tricky. As people have said - it'll take a long time....

So you saw a receipt for what? Him buying her 1 glass of wine? Where were the other receipts for the other 3 glasses he said she drank?

Ok I don't drink much/often, but I can put away a glass or few. I would have been off my trolley on 4 glasses in 2.5 hours. If I had not have eaten I'd have been wasted.

I think most people would be.

Why so much alcohol for one person if you're not going to let inhibitions drop.

Her asking him about the FB request is extremely telling too.

He think for purely friendship purposes makes a difference. But it's still terrible....

I am sorry. Honestly. And I know this is easier for us because we don't love him. It's just bad enough that he did this in the first place - he could at least take responsibility for it and stop the downright offensive lying. It's so frustrating.

She bought the rest of her wine. He thinks I should be forgiving him at some point as other partners do alot worse and are forgiven............!!!!!!! I really can't see forgiveness coming into it at the moment - as you say 2 weeks is nothing.

I'm aware I'm like a dog with a bone here, and it's not helpful to you, so I'll shut myself up, I want to support you not harrange you. That's not helpful to you and you are who I care about in this situation.

My love, read the book, make him read it and make sure he knows that this is it. Full disclosure/truth from now on.

He will need to know that you are absolutely on his case and will be for potentially YEARS because of this, and he has absolutely no right to raise so much as an eyebrow hair.

Ill stay with him......but forgiveness.......not yet.....

She paid for her own wine? On a date he arranged?

He paid cash.

I will shut up now. ((((Huge hug))))))

I think the most you can promise yourself is that you'll work on regaining trust and finding your at past this.

Don't paint yourself into a corner in your head. It's ok to find this stuff unacceptable.

Thanks Hissy - He IS sincerely sorry for doing what he did and hurting me. he says he NEVER meant to hurt me (so naive). Promises to be a better husband in all other respects too. And says nothing will ever happen like this again. And yes I am ordering the book tonight.

Thanks Hissy - I really appreciate your comments and thoughts. She said he only bought her one drink and he said it - before I contacted her. He IS a tight-wad.

Yes I know it's unacceptable and I knew it the moment I realised. But it's very hard to live with, and nearly 20 years of marriage - 25 years together. I will somehow have to find a way - so yes, I need that book...