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Original poster

My DH doesn't know if wants are baby

175 replies

Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 20:11

I am 39 my DH is 44.
We have been together 17 year and we have been very happy and had a nice life. His current behaviour is not the norm in our relationship.

We had long talks about trying for a baby and we BOTH agreed it was what we wanted, so I went to the doctors and dh came with me to come off the pill and have a general health mot. I got pregnant very quick on our 2nd month of trying. This is our first baby.

When he found out I was pregnant, he told me he didn't want it and wanted me to have an abortion I told him in no un certain words this was not happening! So I moved out for 3 weeks to my parents, we talk he says it was intial shock and he's very sorry for what he said I go back home.

He wouldn't come to scans with me, point blank refused. I put the scan photo on the fridge he takes it off and puts in the draw. He won't even entrain the idea of painting the nursery so I pay a decorator. I had to carry the Moses basket home on the bus because he wouldn't drive me. I've had to ask Mum to be my birth partner in case he refuses to come Sad

Every time I try to talk to him he shuts down completely, this is unlike him. I have asked him if he wants to move out or stay in a hotel ( we can afford this) for a few days to think over what he wants and he says he wants me but doesn't know if he wants the baby doesn't know if he can love it.
When we are doing things and not mentioning the baby his fine his my DH but as soon as the baby is mentioned he changes completely.

My parents say it could be at 44 years old he is scared of how his life will change and that it's probably just the reality hitting him that the baby is real and then once the baby is born he will love her.

I am scared that when my DD is born she will have a Dad that won't love her, and it's breaking my heart.

I am due the 19th of August and I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just writing this to get it all out I can keep it in no longer!

OP posts:
JonSnowsBeardClippings · 20/05/2016 20:20

Wow, what a total idiot he's being. How can you bear to look at him? Does he realise you will never ever get over or forgive him if he ruins your baby's first months? He needs to get the fuck over himself and sharp. Does he have any sensible friends who could talk to him?

artlessflirt · 20/05/2016 20:21

Your parents are probably right, he is most likely worried about how his life is going to change when the baby comes. Like most people do.

BUT... you both agreed to try and get pregnant - so the fact that you are now pregnant can't be a surprise to him. It's extremely unfair the way he's acting and, frankly, if he were my partner I'd be telling him to get over himself and face up to his responsibilities. Or, I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that if he can't do that he should leave. Better to bring a baby into a family with only one loving parent and an absent one, than with a distant and unloving one.

timelytess · 20/05/2016 20:22

Leave him. Your parents seem to be willing to help, so let them. He isn't worth your time.

Think about this. Do you want your child to grow up in a home with a parent who didn't/doesn't want him/her? No? Then leave now.

IJustLostTheGame · 20/05/2016 20:24

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Dockofthebay88 · 20/05/2016 20:24

I know you say it's very unlike him, but his behaviour is unacceptable. You both decided to have a baby so he can't just change his mind once the reality of pregnancy happens, once you came off the pill he knew it was likely to happen.
You should be enjoying your pregnancy and looking forward to meeting your baby not worrying that your childish DH won't love her.
He needs to get a grip of himself and fast.

I'm sorry I can't offer any better advice sparkle Flowers

Happyhappygirl · 20/05/2016 20:27

Oh what a situation to be in Flowers he is being a knob head and needs to grow up.

stiffstink · 20/05/2016 20:28

Have you had to cope with him like this for 6 months OP? If so, that's outrageous. This is meant to be a joyful time during which you can share your excitement and fears.

If he wasn't being such a shit I'd say you already have a big baby on your hands.

How is he dealing with the conversations when you try to discuss his feelings? Does he acknowledge how upsetting it is for you?

VenusRising · 20/05/2016 20:29

Talk with your midwife and ask her to talk with your dp.
He sounds like he needs counselling.

The sudden realisation of mortality can be shocking and a new baby is a real indicator that you're no longer the most important person in his life. He'll have to get used to sharing you!

Fwiw, I think a lot of blokes really don't get the pregnancy and little baby stage, but come round when the baby stage is over.

I bet he'll be begging you to have another in a few years.

Good luck with it all. The pregnancy and birth are only a small portion of being a parent, and one that, if a lot of blokes are honest, doesn't really engage them all that much.
I'm sure with counselling he'll come round and be a great dad.

XanderHarris · 20/05/2016 20:29

He tried for a baby with you then told you to have an abortion? That is utterly disgusting.

SoThatHappened · 20/05/2016 20:30

After 17 years I'd wonder if he ever wanted children at all.

FledglingFridge · 20/05/2016 20:31

So he wants you but to ignore the baby, and therefore everything you're feeling, dealing with right now and the practical tasks you're doing to prepare?

Fuck him in the nose sideways. Leave the daft bastard. You don't get to 44 without realising that sex without contraception means babies.

Never mind what happens when the baby's here, what about what he's putting you through now?

Congratulations on your daughter though. I've done it alone, and it's not so bad. Easier in some ways if your other option is a daft twat half-arsing some co-parenting.

FledglingFridge · 20/05/2016 20:32

The sudden realisation of mortality can be shocking and a new baby is a real indicator that you're no longer the most important person in his life. He'll have to get used to sharing you!

It's her DH not an older sibling. Jesus, 4 years olds take new babies and sharing "Mum" better than this.

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 20:35

Yes he's been like this since we found out about the pregnancy and we found out at 7 weeks.
He says when I try to talk to him that he doesn't like upsetting me and doesnt want too but when he opens his mouth he can't control what comes out.
His parents are outraged by his behaviour and have spoke to him but it done no good.
His good with children, in fact his god father to 3 of our friends children and we often take them out places and he enjoys it.

OP posts:
Alasalas2 · 20/05/2016 20:35

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Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 20:37

It's like tonight I tried to talk he told me he doesn't think he can love this baby and his now gone out to the pub.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I give up

OP posts:
Jojojovodka · 20/05/2016 20:42

What an absolute arse!! How can he treat somebody he has been with for 17 years this way utterly disgusting. I can not believe after agreeing and going with you to stop taking the pill he wanted you to have an abortion by 44 he should bloody well know that unprotected sex can equal a baby.

Flowers
Tate15 · 20/05/2016 20:46

He is behaving appallingly.

It's one thing to get cold feet but to actively be nasty to you, taking the scan photo down and putting it in a drawer shows that he is spiteful, immature and jealous!

I think you would be better off without him else you be struggling to raise two babies, only one will start to grow up whereas your husband will always be a big baby.

orangebird69 · 20/05/2016 20:48

My dh was 46 when our ds was born. First baby for both of us - its scary but theres no excuse. Your dh's behaviour is disgusting. Change the locks and thrown his stuff out.

airforsharon · 20/05/2016 20:56

Yes he might be panicking, maybe he liked the idea of a baby but the reality has shocked him. BUT he is being very cruel to you, this should be a happy time for you both, and you need to be concentrating on your own health and wellbeing.

If he won't move out could you move back to your parents for a while? He's put you in a crap situation - I think you need to be selfish now, concentrate on you and the baby and let him stew in his own juice for a while.

MadameJosephine · 20/05/2016 20:58

Honestly? I wouldn't ask him if he wants to move out, I would tell him! I'd be tempted to tell him never to come back but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way, some time apart might give him chance to deal with his feelings and could be good for you too. At least you'll get to enjoy your pregnancy and plan for your new arrival without him ruining it all. Ultimately I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of life as a single parent though.

Alasalas2 · 20/05/2016 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alasalas2 · 20/05/2016 21:00

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Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 21:05

I think he can't have any work problems as his self employed and loves his job. All finances are shared so I don't think it can be secret debt I think I'd know. I hope it's not an affair

I understand his a little scared to become a parent I'm scared too as its something I've never done before but he doesn't need to be nasty to me. I always tell him when his hurt me with things he does I don't let him get away with it. My friends say I should tell him to move out until he grows up but after 17 years I don't want our marriage over but I also don't want him living here with the baby if he doesn't love her like he says he won't.

OP posts:
TheABC · 20/05/2016 21:06

I want to slap him for you, OP.

Flumpnugget · 20/05/2016 21:10

Know a couple who were in this predicament. I'm afraid it wasn't better after their DD was born. He literally went underground, disappeared for hours on end and eventually things hit rock bottom and she was left alone with a 6 month old whilst he went to "find himself".

Consider moving forwards without him; unless he offers to work very hard in his issues- including therapy to get to the bottom of his issues. Give him an ultimatum and take control of the situation rather than waiting for him to "come around".