My DH doesn't know if wants are baby

[Sparklesilverglitter]

I am 39 my DH is 44.
We have been together 17 year and we have been very happy and had a nice life. His current behaviour is not the norm in our relationship.

We had long talks about trying for a baby and we BOTH agreed it was what we wanted, so I went to the doctors and dh came with me to come off the pill and have a general health mot. I got pregnant very quick on our 2nd month of trying. This is our first baby.

When he found out I was pregnant, he told me he didn't want it and wanted me to have an abortion I told him in no un certain words this was not happening! So I moved out for 3 weeks to my parents, we talk he says it was intial shock and he's very sorry for what he said I go back home.

He wouldn't come to scans with me, point blank refused. I put the scan photo on the fridge he takes it off and puts in the draw. He won't even entrain the idea of painting the nursery so I pay a decorator. I had to carry the Moses basket home on the bus because he wouldn't drive me. I've had to ask Mum to be my birth partner in case he refuses to come

Every time I try to talk to him he shuts down completely, this is unlike him. I have asked him if he wants to move out or stay in a hotel ( we can afford this) for a few days to think over what he wants and he says he wants me but doesn't know if he wants the baby doesn't know if he can love it.
When we are doing things and not mentioning the baby his fine his my DH but as soon as the baby is mentioned he changes completely.

My parents say it could be at 44 years old he is scared of how his life will change and that it's probably just the reality hitting him that the baby is real and then once the baby is born he will love her.

I am scared that when my DD is born she will have a Dad that won't love her, and it's breaking my heart.

I am due the 19th of August and I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just writing this to get it all out I can keep it in no longer!

Pack his stuff, change the locks and send him a text telling him you'll buy him out of the house, and you'll expect child support but beyond that he can decide if he wants to know his child.

I think all this running after him is doing you no good at all. Take the choice away from him (for now) and give yourself the space to enjoy your pregnancy.

When person tells you who they are, listen.

He has told you very very clearly that he does not want a baby. All of his actions back that up. He is not interested in getting help to come to terms with becoming a father. He does not want to be a father. He even hides the scan pictures. He does not want to be a father. He doesn't care about the impact on you. He only cares about not being a father. Even now, past 24 weeks, the time for not having a baby is gone, but he still is adamant that he will not be a father.

You know what? He is not going to be a father. He will have a biological children. He might pay maintenance but he will never be a father.

Yes, he agreed to let you try for a baby, when he thought it was impossible. That was stupid and cowardly. He backtracked immediately it happened. He does not want to be a father.

The sooner you get started living as a single parent the better. He is not going to be a father. He has already checked out of the relationship with you and with the baby.

When person tells you who they are, listen

This.

This is awful. He does not want this baby. What will happen when your DD is born and he ignores her? She doesn't deserve this. I also think he hopes you wouldn't be able to conceive. Pack his bag. Has he been home yet? His behaviour is unacceptable.

Ask him what he would do in your situation? Does he expect you to have your DD adopted or put into care to save the marriage? What exactly does he think is going to happen here?

I'm sorry but I agree it sounds like he has already checked out of the relationship but just doesn't have the balls to tell you he has left. He is behaving badly, staying out, no contact etc hoping you will finish it.

Sorry just realised I sounded really nosey asking about if the house was in both names. I only asked to see where you'd be if you do break up, you appear in a good postion able to buy him out.
I am pregnant myself and we as a couple are going to older parents at 38 and 40, my DH had a panic moment but at the scan he even started crying (happy tears) it is a massive change at our ages.

Give him 1 last chance to talk if comes home today, but if he wont tell him to move out until he's head is straight

I'm shocked at his behavior, especially if he didn't really think you would get pregnant totally selfish behavior and he should have been honest with you if that's the case.

I wouldn't want to hear his thoughts it's pretty clear, you should be feeling happy about your pending baby and he is ruining this experience for you with his attitude.
You can't put the baby back but you can kick him out.

Even if you separate so that you can enjoy and focus on your pregnancy and nb without his dark cloud over you. This could also help save your relationship for the long term,
When dc is born if he opens his eyes and realises then great if not you may already be in a place to accept that.

He can't have his cake and eat it either.

for you op.

I wonder if you asked what the fuck he expects you to do, what he would say. Stupid selfish man.

Ah I hate to hear things like this, a man thinking abortions are the answer when he's simply changed his mind. How does he think he is?

If it was an accidental pregnancy I'd feel a little for him but the fact he agreed ttc and attended doctors to stop the contraception I have no sympathy at all, he may of thought it wouldn't happen due to age but at 44 who knew no contraception means pregnancy is possible.

[Flowers] for you OP

Bag up his stuff while he is at golf and get it outside.

Tell him to come home when he is ready to be a responsible husband and father or not to bother.

I'm so sorry for you - he is a real shit for ruining your pregnancy.

You say you don't know him anymore, he's acting like a stranger. Well, would you live with a stranger? No.

This idiot needs a kick up the arse. I'd tell him that this baby is coming, regardless of what he may or may not have thought about during conception. That he needs to get his act together and tell you if he's in or out because you have a life to lead and plans to make, for yourself and this child. And that if he's out, he needs to say it plainly, and to stay out, as in leave right now. And if he 'doesn't know what he wants', he needs to leave now anyway, and get his head together elsewhere. And I'd advise him that it will be your decision, not his, if he decides he wants back in.

Separate your finances and see a solicitor about the whats and wherefores of property, debt, maintenance, etc. It doesn't mean you're heading for divorce. It just means you're getting informed and protecting yourself.

This was me last year OP. DH is now STBXH and he has no contact with our DS. My STBXH was back and forth during the planned pregnancy that he begged me for. He is already father, has 2 DDs who he is amazing with so has no excuses. He absolutely ruined my pregnancy. Refused to contribute financially. Stoll refusing now. Turned up for the birth. Disappeared again a month later. Came back. Then I kicked him out the following week. He hasn't even text me to see how our DS is doing. He stole the joy from my pregnancy and I wasn't going to let him steal the joy of my first born DSs first months. Something hardened inside me when he walked out on DS at a month old.

No constructive advice, just a hand hold from someone whos been there.

Besides everything else, it really is just plain cruel and selfish leaving you on your own worrying all night and then doing it again today!
I agree with Acrossthepond - hard as it is, you do need to take control.

I feel so much for you sparkles.

He sounds so selfish

Oh OP, what a shit he is

I honestly wish one of us could bring you a basket of goodies and cook you a meal and use his toothbrush to clean the loo you deserve to be treated so much better, he has truly been so cruel to you.

Have you any friends who know about this? Could your mum come and stay with you for the rest of the weekend?

I'd definitely let your midwife know that this is going on too

His behaviour is awful. Just wanted to give you an alternative outcome, a positive one, but not easy.

DH and I were 34/40 respectively when DS was born. Planned. About 10 years into our relationship. He pretty much ignored the pregnancy, didn't come to scans, didn't help when I was tired/needed help lifting etc, ignored any prep required for baby arriving and complained that I didn't want to do as much anymore. Never asked me to abort but did say he didn't want the baby, didn't feel anything for it.

I thought it was a life change issue or just fear. It was. But I had thought he'd take one look at DS and love him. He didn't. He didn't even hold him for a few days and on the day I got home sat down opposite me and said he felt nothing for DS and didn't want him here. I will never ever forget that, though I have now forgiven it to a degree

I got no help in those first weeks/months. DS was a non sleeper and I cannot tell you how hard it was to cope with being a new mum with horrific sleep deprivation and knowing dh didn't have my back. I look back on DS early months with such regret.

I insisted dh hold DS for short periods, and generally fostered their relationship, very slowly. No I shouldn't have had too, but I wanted us to be a family. By 6 months there was some emotion starting. By a year dh loved him. By 18 months he apologised, properly for his shit behaviour and asked if we could have a second as he loved DS so much.

DS is 6 now. DD is 3. Dh adores our DC and is a decent hands on dad. He's not perfect, but I know he'd do anything to keep them safe and happy. He grew up.

He should have been mature enough to handle it. He was a total shit. It has affected our relationship and it always will, which is so sad, but we are generally very happy and a solid family.

Your H has gone one step further.

If I had my time again, I think I'd do the same again, but it's a tough call. You are so very vulnerable just after you give birth, there needs to be a way to protect yourself. I'd insist your H gets counselling and I'd ask what he hopes will happen/how he sees the future. Say it's ok for him not to love the baby yet, he hasn't met her after all and there's no connection, but that he has to be physically and emotionally supportive of you. If he can't do that, he should leave IMHO.

I don't know if that will help or confuse you, but I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP. It will get worse before it gets better IME. All the very best for your and your daughters future.

Hi OP, I haven't posted for ages but your post made me want to respond - I hope it will help a little. Your DH is behaving v much like mine did many years ago, our DC is now an adult. We hadn't been married as long as you but still had been together a number of years. Planned pregnancy after over a decade on the pill and I conceived in the first month, DH told me he didn't want it and I should have an abortion - I was so upset but told no one. I went straight out and bought some baby clothes and told DH I was having definitely having our baby. He was up and down through the pregnancy, didn't get the nursery ready etc. and went on holiday abroad when I was 8 months pregnant. He loves DS but was def. not 'hands on', he never got up in the night and always wanted his own time for his hobbies etc. He had a vasectomy against my wishes some years later because he thought two children would be too much. He now says he wishes we had had more support and hopes DS will have children and that we can support him. I hope things improve for you. My advice would be to focus on you and your baby girl; don't waste your energy on him at the moment.

Thank you to all of you for your responses.
Hpandbacon and LadyLap thank you both so much for taking the time to tell me your stories, I really do appreciate it.

He did text back eventually but I'd worked myself up to be angry with him by then, so I told him to stay at his parents tonight and meet me for lunch tomorrow so we can talk- he agreed so I shall go tomorrow and see what happens.
Tomorrow I shall tell him that I am not going on like this, he needs to decide what he wants as me and this baby come as a package if he wants to break up I want to do it sooner rather than later as I want to be sorted before the baby arrives!

I have a 4d scan booked for next week I will suggest he comes as I think seeing a scan might help even if in a very small way. I will also suggest he see a counsellor as this is not his normal behaviour.

I have put up with his being this way for months now and I'm not doing it any more I want answers to why his being like it and feels it's acceptable.

I don't want to walk away from a 17 year relationship but if he leaves me no choice then I will as this baby means a lot to me already

I'm in bed now looking at a baby name book, think I will go traditional

I have changed name for this. It reminds me so much of the situation with my Ex. He almost killed the baby.
I wish I hadn't wasted so much energy trying to support him, believing him to be different and instead saw exactly what was happening.
Don't leave it too late.

If he doesn't want to go to the scan I wouldn't make a big issue of it. I do, however, think he should see someone for counselling. In terms of names, I would suggest you keep him involved, I know it's galling when you are doing all the work here, but if you make all the decisions he is more likely to see the baby as your project and disengage further. Hope lunch goes well, I would suggest you are in 'listening mode' and talk to him about his concerns / worries - my DH didn't want to be at the birth and thought I would have no time for him as the baby would be the priority (neither of these things came out until much, much later).

I agree with ladylapsang do keep him involved with names. Dh refused to choose, so I made a list of about 10 I would be happy with and let him veto any he didn't like. Definitely counselling.

Oh and you may want to consider counselling for yourself too. My greatest regret of the whole thing was that u tried to cover up how shit he was being. It all got much better for me once I talked to friends and family, though it took me several months to do it. Hope your chat goes well today.

Op your so strong and having to go through all this when pregnant I just can't imagine it
Your dh is a dick and I cannot believe he stayed out all bloody night then came home and fucked off to golf I'm raging for you
You and baby come as a package like you say... hopefully this will be a wake up call

I do now feel he just thought I'd never get pregnant but could say we tried.

This is exactly what I thought when I read your OP. I suspect he went along with it, hoping and expecting that at 39 you wouldn't get pregnant. But then you did - almost immediately - and it would appear that straight away he knew he'd made a massive mistake. 17 years is a very long time to be together as a couple and NOT have DC, if you actually want them. My guess is that he has no real urge to have a DC and never has.

Having said all that, he's behaving appallingly and you're behaving with dignity and restraint. He can't undo what is done and if he can't accept that he's going to be a dad , come Aug, then he must do the decent thing and leave. I admire your grit in trying one last time to get him to come and look at the baby before he walks out - he owes you (and her), that. But he'll need to grow the hell up and stop being such a selfish twat if he's going to be the husband and father you need him to be.

I would insist that he attends the scan and couple's counselling. If he refuses to do those things, the relationship is over and he can move out.

Don't put the whole decision in his hands, OP. This is your life too. Yours and the baby's. If you've had enough, make that very clear, and give him an ultimatum.

It might be the kick up the arse he needs. It might not, in which case he can sort his head out elsewhere.