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Original poster

My DH doesn't know if wants are baby

175 replies

Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 20:11

I am 39 my DH is 44.
We have been together 17 year and we have been very happy and had a nice life. His current behaviour is not the norm in our relationship.

We had long talks about trying for a baby and we BOTH agreed it was what we wanted, so I went to the doctors and dh came with me to come off the pill and have a general health mot. I got pregnant very quick on our 2nd month of trying. This is our first baby.

When he found out I was pregnant, he told me he didn't want it and wanted me to have an abortion I told him in no un certain words this was not happening! So I moved out for 3 weeks to my parents, we talk he says it was intial shock and he's very sorry for what he said I go back home.

He wouldn't come to scans with me, point blank refused. I put the scan photo on the fridge he takes it off and puts in the draw. He won't even entrain the idea of painting the nursery so I pay a decorator. I had to carry the Moses basket home on the bus because he wouldn't drive me. I've had to ask Mum to be my birth partner in case he refuses to come Sad

Every time I try to talk to him he shuts down completely, this is unlike him. I have asked him if he wants to move out or stay in a hotel ( we can afford this) for a few days to think over what he wants and he says he wants me but doesn't know if he wants the baby doesn't know if he can love it.
When we are doing things and not mentioning the baby his fine his my DH but as soon as the baby is mentioned he changes completely.

My parents say it could be at 44 years old he is scared of how his life will change and that it's probably just the reality hitting him that the baby is real and then once the baby is born he will love her.

I am scared that when my DD is born she will have a Dad that won't love her, and it's breaking my heart.

I am due the 19th of August and I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just writing this to get it all out I can keep it in no longer!

OP posts:
Tate15 · 20/05/2016 22:13

Yes, I think he felt you wouldn't get pregnant and just humoured you whilst you were trying.

However, it's the treatment of you that is concerning. OK he really doesn't want a baby/child, but why make it so awful for you? What is he hoping you will do? Have the baby adopted and you go back to how you were?

He won't talk about it with you, he is not prepared to allow you to enjoy your pregnancy and is actively removing scan photo. His behaviour is abominable!

He is a sulking, but baby who has suddenly realised that he won't be the sole object of your affections anymore and that he will now have responsibilities and obligations towards a child that he didn't really think he would be having.

He doesn't want to face reality and is content with sweeping it all aside. This isn't a man, it's a petulent and selfish child who is causing you upset and pain, the very opposite of what a loved one should do!

cheekyfunkymonkey · 20/05/2016 22:16

Tell him what you want from him, then walk away. Focus on yourself. If he wants to grow up he can come and find you and if he's lucky you might give him the time of day. Flowers

Alasalas2 · 20/05/2016 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkcupckesyum · 20/05/2016 22:42

Been together 17 years, his 44 and now decides to get cold feet about the baby? What a childish Arse!!! Tell him to leave until he sorts his bloody head out the idiot.

Pinkcupckesyum · 20/05/2016 22:43

I want to slap him for you

Iamawesome6789 · 20/05/2016 23:02

Sorry your in this situation OP. Some men really are idiots!! It sounds like maybe he thought you wouldn't get pregnant so agreed and now it's back fired on him.

Flowers
Imsosexyyeah · 20/05/2016 23:05

Oh what a situation to be in Flowers he might come round once she's born maybe but in the mean time it might be best if he moves out and gets his head together. Childish arse wipe

corythatwas · 20/05/2016 23:07

He may have prenatal depression or he may not. He may feel anxiety about life changes or he may not. But he is a grown man, in a relationship and about to become a father, and that means he is responsible for dealing with any problems or hang-ups he may have. He can't sit around waiting until he feels good about the baby: if he has MH issues it is his responsibility to get treatment, if the baby needs its nappy changing it is his responsibility to do it, if you need support in pregnancy it is his responsibility to provide it- he can't sit around waiting for the day when he suddenly feels good about it.

Not all mothers have wonderful experiences of oxytocin or bonding with the baby. Plenty don't. But they are expected to get on with the work anyway. If all they see is work, they still have to do it. And that includes any medical treatment.

greenbordblue · 20/05/2016 23:09

Women have to deal with pregnancy and birth so you will have enough stress in your life without him adding to it. He is being selfish and childish, he needs to get a grip. He agreed to become a father so should pull his socks up and get on with it. After 17 years he should treat you better

Redlampwoo · 20/05/2016 23:12

Such a horrid situation to be in. How can he have that way? Make you upset and not care? If he doesn't know how he feels why did he refuse to go to scans maybe seeing the baby on the monitor might of had him feeling something? He's a knob

CodyKing · 20/05/2016 23:13

He's 44 and you think he needs his parent ago talk to him? Really? OP having a baby is a huge responsibility for mom, and you will need to be looked after by a supportive partner - if he's not on bored he will create more problems than he will solve - unless he can be specific about the issues you can't really help him - and anyway he should be helping you.

Have you spoken to the midwives?

Xmasbaby11 · 20/05/2016 23:19

That is awful. I am so angry at him for you. It was really irresponsible of him to agree to ttc if he wasn't genuinely keen. It's hard to know how he'll react when the baby comes but I would consider asking him to leave if he doesn't want to be a hands on father. You can't let him ruin those early days with the baby that are so hard and so precious..Tbh if he messes you around in those times your relationship will probably be over anyway as that's difficult to forgive.

You mention your parents a lot so maybe they can support you in the early days.

Dh was 46 when he became a dad (first time then we had dd2 when he was 48) and it was a shock to the system for him, but I don't think any different from younger dads. The only difference is I think he suffers from tiredness more with being older. I think it's been hard from him to adapt to a different lifestyle after many years of no responsibility. He's just got on with it though and loves being a dad.

I hope your DH works out what he wants..I think you're holding up amazingly well.

Imyourlady · 20/05/2016 23:25

That's awful OP. I really don't know what's wrong with some men.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 20/05/2016 23:30

He's only 2 years younger than me, and both of my kids are in double figures, now - I didn't even start early (had youngest at 36)!

You'd think he'd have grown up, by now Flowers

Cakecakebaby · 20/05/2016 23:36

This situation is rubbish, at 44 he should be more grown up. Honestly tell him to leave for now and sort himself out

Cakecakebaby · 20/05/2016 23:36
Flowers
Pinkheart5915 · 21/05/2016 00:40

Not a nice situation at all. Flowers

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 21/05/2016 04:37

Thanks everybody. I haven't slept a wink tonight and DH still not home from the pub Sad it's 4:30 in the morning fgs! His phone is going to voicemail so his turned it off Angry

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 21/05/2016 08:18

Did he turn up?

Sorry but this smacks of "punishing " you.

Such bollocks. As if his penis wasn't involved!

Tate15 · 21/05/2016 08:28

Making a pregnant woman sit at home worried about his whereabouts shows us all what a callous prat he is.

Whoever he is with would have I presume told him to contact you to say he is staying at theirs. In the absence of this it looks even worse.

He has let you down in the worst possible way and for you to feel even a little bit better you need to be proactive in deciding what you want for you and your child. He doesn't care about the baby, nor sadly about you given his latest antics, so hold your head up high and tell him straight when you do eventually see him what your intentions are.

I think he wants the split as no way does he seem willing to be a responsible father.

Keep talking on here op, everyone wants to help you, whether it's moral support or practical advice. You won't be the first to have a baby without the father being there and you won't be the last. Xxx

Veterinari · 21/05/2016 08:44

Ok I had some sympathy that he might be depressed/struggling to cope/overwhelmed with worry for your health until your last post.
He's not. He's being a selfish, childish cunt.

I agree with others - he likely thought you wouldn't get pregnant and is now panicking at all the ways his life will change so is now behaving like a petulant teenager. FFS he needs to grow the fuck up.

I'm so sorry OPFlowers he's acting like a prick and that must be so hard for you to reconcile. But you need to focus on yourself and your lovely snuggly DD and prepare for her arrival, not deal with this shit. You don't need mind games and tantrums from a grown adult

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 21/05/2016 12:24

He did come home at 9am but his gone out again now to play golf. Sad

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 21/05/2016 12:40

Fuck him, do you really need something else to worry about? Let him go. You don't need a prick like this, he's a waste of your energy.

Whereabouts are you??

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 21/05/2016 12:56

I'm at home

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/05/2016 13:09

I'm so sorry, OP., what an awful situation for you. Must be heartbreaking. I have no advice, but take care of yourself and your baby, first and foremost.

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