My DH doesn't know if wants are baby

[Sparklesilverglitter]

I am 39 my DH is 44.
We have been together 17 year and we have been very happy and had a nice life. His current behaviour is not the norm in our relationship.

We had long talks about trying for a baby and we BOTH agreed it was what we wanted, so I went to the doctors and dh came with me to come off the pill and have a general health mot. I got pregnant very quick on our 2nd month of trying. This is our first baby.

When he found out I was pregnant, he told me he didn't want it and wanted me to have an abortion I told him in no un certain words this was not happening! So I moved out for 3 weeks to my parents, we talk he says it was intial shock and he's very sorry for what he said I go back home.

He wouldn't come to scans with me, point blank refused. I put the scan photo on the fridge he takes it off and puts in the draw. He won't even entrain the idea of painting the nursery so I pay a decorator. I had to carry the Moses basket home on the bus because he wouldn't drive me. I've had to ask Mum to be my birth partner in case he refuses to come

Every time I try to talk to him he shuts down completely, this is unlike him. I have asked him if he wants to move out or stay in a hotel ( we can afford this) for a few days to think over what he wants and he says he wants me but doesn't know if he wants the baby doesn't know if he can love it.
When we are doing things and not mentioning the baby his fine his my DH but as soon as the baby is mentioned he changes completely.

My parents say it could be at 44 years old he is scared of how his life will change and that it's probably just the reality hitting him that the baby is real and then once the baby is born he will love her.

I am scared that when my DD is born she will have a Dad that won't love her, and it's breaking my heart.

I am due the 19th of August and I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just writing this to get it all out I can keep it in no longer!

Did he say where's he's been? Is he trying to get you to dump him so you look like the bad guy?

He didn't say where he had been

Sorry, OP. I have to agree with the others - he went along with the conception plan, never expecting it to work and now he is basically pushing you to choose between him and the baby. Which (of course) is not a choice for you. He is probably waiting for you to make the first move and kick him out - by ignoring /avoiding the situation, he can still feel like a victim and be the "good guy" in his head.

He is being a total idiot.

In the meantime, I would be taking steps to ensure your security and happiness. At the very least, move to your parents/ ask h to stay away for a few days to give you the time you need. You want positive people around you now to celebrate your pregnancy.

I'm afraid he has left you already.

He just has no need to leave the actual house to do so.

Please don't spend the day crying, though I know that's hard. Please start to drive your own destiny. Please either text him and yell him to find somewhere else to sleep tonight or go to your parents.

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

For you, Sparkles.

I do now feel he just thought I'd never get pregnant but could say we tried. I never put any pressure on him and having children was no deal breaker for me as I have a full happy life.
If his scared I get it and I do understand its a big change coming at 44 but no excuses for treating me this way. In 17 years his never behaved this way.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP.

I think his behaviour is completely unforgivable. Unfortunately I don't see a way of salvaging the relationship either, because he is refusing to talk about it, refusing to go to counselling, and is going out to the pub and golf, leaving you feeling abandoned and heartbroken at home

You already forgave him for an affair at the beginning of the relationship. I don't think you should forgive him this time around. I suggest you separate and get some legal advice about your rights in the event of a divorce.

He will have to pay child maintenance, of course.

He says he doesn't know how he feels about the baby but refused to come to scans. I think the scans may of helped him I know a lot of woman even that tell me until they saw the 12 weeks scan they didn't know how they felt, didn't feel real etc.

Hypothetically speaking, if he changed his mind when the baby arrived, do you think you could forgive his behaviour during the pregnancy? Do you think you could trust him to be supportive and pull his weight with childcare and housework? Could you trust him not to cheat again if he gets bored of family life?

We've always been equal in terms of house keeping /cleaning we still do intact he does his fair share around the house.

My work keep my job open for 2 years although maternity pay for 16 months, after that I will want to get back I've worked hard in a male industry for many years be be where I am, so he would have to help with childcare.

He cheated 18 months in to us being together but we was stil very casual in our relationship it was serious and I only was only seeing him when I could due to work. We have 15 happy years after.

Can't believe he stayed out all night leaving you too worry. Could he be cheating again?

Pack all his shit up and tell the spineless twat to fuck off, I'm so mad on your behalf!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. He needs to wake up! He can not just ignore the fact that you are having his baby. I think I would at least be insisting on some sort of counselling to get him to open up about how you have both found yourself in this situation. Without this surely there can be no relationship between you and him?! Communication and honesty is key if you are to get past this.

Alternatively I would be packing his things and telling him not to come back unless he was prepared to man up and be the father your baby needs and until then you're happy to take on the role of single parent and ensure that your child's needs come first.

This may sound harsh but xh waited until I was 7 months pregnant with a very planned pregnancy (following previous losses) to tell me he didn't want our baby. He eventually left the Christmas after ds turned 1. He had caused my pregnancy and the first year of ds's life to be completely miserable and I will never get that time back.

It's hard, but unfortunately this kind of behaviour does seem to be (at the risk of making a sweeping stereotype) very typical 'male' behaviour in response to a relationship crisis.

The lack of communication and accountability, the silence and disconnection are all typical. He's waiting for you to leave so that he can say you chose the baby over him and (in his eyes) paint himself as the wounded victim in all of this whilst doing absolutely nothing to try and fix it.

It's devastating. It's like the person you love and live with has had a total personality transplant. Sadly I don't know any examples where it's been salvaged, ime once men show this behaviour they're 'done'

hellooooome sorry to hear how your Xh behaved. That's what I'm worried about that my dh will stay and make me miserable when I should be enjoying the baby.

I just don't understand how he can plan to get pregnant with me then just change his mind once it's happened, it's not like a baby can be sent back.

I have texted him and said I wish to talk when he comes home, no reply as of yet. Our communication has always been brilliant so it makes even less sense.

Where do you think he was last night Sparkles?

If he was sober and alert enough to go golfing at 9am it sounds like he had a nights sleep somewhere.

His best friend doesn't live far about 15 minutes away so I assume he stayed there. Well I bloody hope so

What a shit situation, all of it down to your husband. If you don't hear from him in td next hour I'd pack up his clothes, leave them outside and lock the door. Why should you be forced to sit at home, wondering where he is, who he's with, when he might deign to actually talk to his pregnant wife??
He's behaving like a cunt. It doesn't have to be forever, but send him packing until he has something positive to add to your life

is the house in both your names? Do you think he would leave?

Yes the house is in both names, we jointly own it. If we end things or whatever he will leave I'll buy him out I'm not leaving my home

All of this situation is down to him

Ultimatum time. Either he gets counselling and pulls himself together or he fucks off. It doesn't matter that he will think himself the victim in all this if you boot him out, what matters is you and your baby. Bloody hell, what a pathetic specimen - you will be better off without him.

I am so sorry he has turned out to have feet of clay after all this time.

I would leave a bag at his best friend's and tell him to go back there.