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Original poster

My DH doesn't know if wants are baby

175 replies

Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 20:11

I am 39 my DH is 44.
We have been together 17 year and we have been very happy and had a nice life. His current behaviour is not the norm in our relationship.

We had long talks about trying for a baby and we BOTH agreed it was what we wanted, so I went to the doctors and dh came with me to come off the pill and have a general health mot. I got pregnant very quick on our 2nd month of trying. This is our first baby.

When he found out I was pregnant, he told me he didn't want it and wanted me to have an abortion I told him in no un certain words this was not happening! So I moved out for 3 weeks to my parents, we talk he says it was intial shock and he's very sorry for what he said I go back home.

He wouldn't come to scans with me, point blank refused. I put the scan photo on the fridge he takes it off and puts in the draw. He won't even entrain the idea of painting the nursery so I pay a decorator. I had to carry the Moses basket home on the bus because he wouldn't drive me. I've had to ask Mum to be my birth partner in case he refuses to come Sad

Every time I try to talk to him he shuts down completely, this is unlike him. I have asked him if he wants to move out or stay in a hotel ( we can afford this) for a few days to think over what he wants and he says he wants me but doesn't know if he wants the baby doesn't know if he can love it.
When we are doing things and not mentioning the baby his fine his my DH but as soon as the baby is mentioned he changes completely.

My parents say it could be at 44 years old he is scared of how his life will change and that it's probably just the reality hitting him that the baby is real and then once the baby is born he will love her.

I am scared that when my DD is born she will have a Dad that won't love her, and it's breaking my heart.

I am due the 19th of August and I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just writing this to get it all out I can keep it in no longer!

OP posts:
Gimmegimmegin · 20/05/2016 21:12

I want to slap him for the OP too TheABC

His behaviour is a disgrace. After 17 years and he treat you this way. What is going on his head? How can he be nasty when he wanted to ttc

Hellototheno · 20/05/2016 21:15

What a cock end! Kick him out the arse

Scarydinosaurs · 20/05/2016 21:18

It's the fact he won't talk about it that makes it so difficult. If I was you, I would ask him to move out to his mum's and if you could, move your own mum in for a bit. You need to focus on you, and the baby. He isn't helping you.

AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 21:21

Move to your mum's until the baby is born, get support from her and ask him to get some serious counselling,

Reassess post birth.

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 21:30

It makes it so difficult that he won't talk, he's always been good at communicating with me so I just don't understand it. I think I know I'm going to have to tell him to move out , it just breaks my heart

OP posts:
AHellOfABird · 20/05/2016 21:33

It might not be forever, op,. One day at a time...

Diddlydokey · 20/05/2016 21:34
Sad

How awful. It doesn't reason I would be thinking about a breakdown or depression but in reality I think you'd feel better to plan without him and get your support system in place.

I hope he can work it out

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 21:36

I hope it won't be forever.

OP posts:
Helpmeplease87543 · 20/05/2016 21:40

What awful behaviour from you DH. Dump his arse! Flowers

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 21:42

I just want to cry, feel like I've been a fool

OP posts:
musicposy · 20/05/2016 21:45

I wouldn't give up just yet. I'm not saying to allow him to treat you badly or be in any way unkind because that is totally unacceptable. However, if he's depressed and can't come to terms with it maybe things like scan photos on the fridge are a bit too much for him to cope with. I've been where he is (and I was the pregnant one) and looking at scan photos every day would have sent me completely over the edge. I could only cope by complete denial.

II feel awful writing this down because it's painful to remember but I had terrible trouble coming to terms with DD2's pregnancy, even though it had been planned. I remember sobbing even really, really late on (well over 30 weeks) that I didn't want this baby. I really put poor DH through the mill, screamed and shouted that it was his fault, he'd made me do it (he hadn't) I would never forgive him, I would never love her etc etc. We had endless rows and screaming matches - all on my side I'm ashamed to say - and he couldn't change it because the deed was done. If a woman can feel like that when she's carrying the baby I'm sure a man - for whom it's much less a reality - can too. Looking back I think I had bad antenatal depression. He's facing a big life change which for whatever reason, he doesn't feel able to cope with, and I suspect he's very depressed over it.

I wouldn't keep pushing him that he has to love this baby. He can't yet, there isn't anything for him to love yet, only the thought of all he is going to lose.

Once the baby is born, however, he has to step up to the mark, and sharpish too, or I'd be saying he gets counselling and comes to terms with it or you move forward without him.

For me, the moment DD2 was born I just fell in love. She's 16 now and I still utterly, utterly adore every fibre of her being. I feel dreadful that I felt like that, but I don't think it was the real me, if that makes sense, and I hadn't met her then. I couldn't imagine how amazing she was going to be and the joy she was going to bring to my life. I really hope it is the same for your DH.

expatinscotland · 20/05/2016 21:47

You deserve so much more than this and so does your DD. I would tell him to move out.

There is no excuse for his behaviour. None whatsoever.

StillYummy · 20/05/2016 21:50

My dad wouldn't acknolage my pregnancies at all. He told no one and we never spoke about it. It was because he was terrified I wouldn't be ok. As soon as he knew I was ok he was fantastic round my kids. Apparently he did the same when my mum was pregnant with me.

I am not excusing his behaviour, just saying it may be ok.

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 21:54

He's never suffered with depression before I know that doesn't mean he isn't now though. I have asked if he wanted to go to counselling and talk in a controlled environment like that? But he said no.
He should no I'd never judge him if he was feeling depressed I would help in any way. We've had a rocky patch at the start of our relationship when he cheated but we woked through it and although I didn't forget I did forgive.

OP posts:
Tate15 · 20/05/2016 21:54

He has shown you that he has a cruel streak. I would be very wary of him raising a child when he could suddenly turn cold towards his loved ones.

He could have had the same feelings about not wanting a baby without making you feel awful. He has robbed you of the joy of your being pregnant.

What kind of a person would see a picture of the scan that their wife has put up because she feels so proud and wants to see the picture every day, and removes it and hides it in a drawer like it's a dirty secret and out of sight, out of mind!

Why did he need to go and rain on your parade?

His actions show him to be petulent, self centred and quite frankly an obnoxious coward.

I don't think the man you loved will ever resurface. His true colours are laid out before you and you must decide if a man like that is worthy of your love, let alone your precious child deserving of a heartless father.

Alasalas2 · 20/05/2016 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 21:56

He's not acting like the man I love, I just don't know who he is any more

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 20/05/2016 21:59

He waited 17 years, until you were 39, to agree to try for a baby. He probably thought he'd left it so late that you would never get pregnant. He sounds pathetic.

Alasalas2 · 20/05/2016 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

XanderHarris · 20/05/2016 22:01

I think you should put it to him straight. You're keeping the baby, you love the baby, you are happy to be pregnant and want to put up pictures of your scan and talk about your pregnancy with the people you love. It's not right for you or the baby for this to be silenced or shoved in a drawer, you deserve better. If he can't be a part of that (either for now, or until the baby is born, or ever) then he needs to leave.

Original poster
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/05/2016 22:02

Neith of us really thought about children until I got to my 30's but we was both focuses on work since slowing down with work the time appeared to be right.

It has crossed my mind he thought because of both our ages I wouldn't get pregnant and that's why he said it's what he wanted

OP posts:
Whiskeycolaice · 20/05/2016 22:07

Oh my love what a situation you are in. You deserve to be treated so much better! Flowers

ElspethFlashman · 20/05/2016 22:08

I agree he was secretly hoping you'd never get pregnant cos of your age. He rolled the dice to keep you sweet, but he lost.

I don't think he's going to magically change after the baby comes. He doesn't have the oxytocin coursing through his veins to bond him hormonally.

Newborns are lovely but a lot of work. You're going to see the loveliness but all he'll see is the work.

I think he needs to move out and decide what he wants. Cos you come as a package deal now.

Massive massive hugs. I really really feel for you.

But no matter what, this child will be your funny little pal for life. Even if he lets you down, you are set to gain so much.

Whiskeycolaice · 20/05/2016 22:10

Your always have you little newborn bundle even if you and dh can't get past this, it's better to have 1 parent that loves you more than anything rather than have 2 when one can't love you.

He might of thought you wouldn't get pregnant due to your ages but after all them years together he shouldn't of lied about wanting a baby

DixieNormas · 20/05/2016 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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