My DH doesn't know if wants are baby

[Sparklesilverglitter]

I am 39 my DH is 44.
We have been together 17 year and we have been very happy and had a nice life. His current behaviour is not the norm in our relationship.

We had long talks about trying for a baby and we BOTH agreed it was what we wanted, so I went to the doctors and dh came with me to come off the pill and have a general health mot. I got pregnant very quick on our 2nd month of trying. This is our first baby.

When he found out I was pregnant, he told me he didn't want it and wanted me to have an abortion I told him in no un certain words this was not happening! So I moved out for 3 weeks to my parents, we talk he says it was intial shock and he's very sorry for what he said I go back home.

He wouldn't come to scans with me, point blank refused. I put the scan photo on the fridge he takes it off and puts in the draw. He won't even entrain the idea of painting the nursery so I pay a decorator. I had to carry the Moses basket home on the bus because he wouldn't drive me. I've had to ask Mum to be my birth partner in case he refuses to come

Every time I try to talk to him he shuts down completely, this is unlike him. I have asked him if he wants to move out or stay in a hotel ( we can afford this) for a few days to think over what he wants and he says he wants me but doesn't know if he wants the baby doesn't know if he can love it.
When we are doing things and not mentioning the baby his fine his my DH but as soon as the baby is mentioned he changes completely.

My parents say it could be at 44 years old he is scared of how his life will change and that it's probably just the reality hitting him that the baby is real and then once the baby is born he will love her.

I am scared that when my DD is born she will have a Dad that won't love her, and it's breaking my heart.

I am due the 19th of August and I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just writing this to get it all out I can keep it in no longer!

I hope your talk goes well today. He owes you the truth about how you went from trying for a baby to him demanding you have an abortion. Don't let him steal any more of your joy

I know it's a long way off, but no matter whether you stay yogether or not and whatever happens in the future, don't let your DD ever know how her dad felt.

That's too much for any child to know even when she's older.

She'll blame her existence if you split up and if you don't her relationship with her dad could end up very strained to say the least.

Hope lunch today went well op & you've made some headway.

Op, you've had a great relationship for 15 years because he has been content and happy. Solely because he has had your undivided attention and hasn't had any constraints in doing what he wants when he wants in regards to his hobbies, such as golf and his social life, such as going down the pub.

He has been the perpetual young guy with only work responsibilities and all of a sudden he now faces being responsible for another human being and not being able to do what he wants and not having your complete attention.

Basically he is a spoilt brat! I do not believe that he will see the scan and raise his hands and say hallelujah! All he will see is the image of the 'thing' that is going to ruin his life. No popping out to the pub when he feels like it etc.

He has acted with no thought or feeling for you, has no guilt about the shabby treatment he has metered out to you and his resentment of your being pregnant might just as well be tattooed on his forehead, his feelings are that clear!

You are trying to help him come round to the idea but in my experience it is too late and Mr selfish is not destined to be a family man.

Do whatever makes you feel good in the way of suggestions to him, but please be prepared for him to reject them. Or if he does agree (like going to the scan) be prepared for him to do so grudgingly and for it to have no affect on him whatsoever.

Many men who actively want the coming child feel a bit 'disconnected' from the child. It's not quite 'real' to them because they aren't experiencing the sensations we feel as pregnant women. My DH felt that way, it was an 'abstract' to him, even after a scan and feeling the baby move. He knew the baby was coming, but it wasn't quite 'real', iyswim But that didn't stop him from feeling excited, happy, and nervous. Sure, he was scared, he had never been around a baby before. But he was always sympathetic and helpful. When I had to go on bed rest at 24 weeks, he was helpful and kind.

I think you need to remember that there is a whole world of difference between a man who want the child but feels that sense of 'unreality' and one who actually does not want the child.

Hello. Today was ok we met for lunch and dh was more talkative than her has been about it before. I genuinely think he feels like he will lose my attention when the baby arrives, but other woman manage a happy relationship and a baby.
He is back here today but in the spare room for a few days, he says he'll come along to the scan in the week to see how he feels. Tomorrow I will spend some time researching couples counselling we have some money so should be able to afford a fair few sessions.
Will see how we get on

Yeah he will lose your attention! Big time.

As a midwife for many years, I have seen these situations have a happy ending. I agree that it's time for you to stop being so accommodating and get angry. Listen to him at your lunch and hear what he says. Until the thread got to the part with him staying out all night I still had some sympathy with him. Some people do have extreme reactions to pregnancy, even much longer for ones.

Staying out all night without explanation is crossing a line. It just doesn't happen in marriage without major fallout. It's time to tell him: shape up or ship out. It sounds as if you do have some support, I would be shoring that up and working out how to make this work alone. Make it clear that you've had enough of this absolute shit. Nobody gets to behave like this regardless of whatever crisis they are having.

You sound as if you want this to work. After your shaky start up you describe a happy marriage so that deserves consideration. But he needs to start to work on this. Counselling, engagement in the pregnancy, being considerate. If he cannot, he should move out and let you prepare in peace, the stress is not good for you.

One word of caution, many people find 4d scans a bit freaky so it may not be quite right. Just listening to the baby's heartbeat is lovely. Also,the birth: obviously for most fathers this is a given and some generous women even allow estranged partners to attend. I am not of this camp. Labour and birth is about you and baby. Not a spectator sport for the needy, unsure or reluctant. It is an absolute privilege to attend a birth. Chose someone who will love, support and cherish you.

Best wishes.

Thing is, he will 'lose your attention' when the baby comes. If you're both on board it doesn't matter. You'll both feel that the baby is your priority for now. If the baby cries and your spouse wants to tell you about their shitty day, your spouse will wait until the baby is settled and they won't mind waiting. They won't mind if you're distracted, exhausted, or otherwise 'occupied'. That's just part and parcel of co-parenting, especially during the first few years.

You (and he) need to understand that things are going to change.

Babies are very time consuming, so there will be an impact on your relationship.
If I could do it over again, I wish I could have afforded a live in nanny to assist with looking after the baby, so I wouldn't be so exhausted.

If you are in a financial position to get some help (even when on maternity leave), then you should do.

You can put the baby in nursery a couple of days a week while on maternity leave. That gives you a break. You can catch up on housework/get a little pampering, but the point is you get a break from the baby and are able to have child free time with your DH if you have a nanny or use a nursery.

I'm not just saying this to accomodate your DH, but it's good for you as well. Allowing you both the ability to stay very connected as a couple.

Kids are a joy. I wouldn't be without mine, but it's a tireless job.

Of course he'll lose your attention. Is he some sort of child and will get jealous? Having a newborn is hard, tiring and can test your relationship . You need to be a partnership, a team. It's not all about him. Trouble is he seems to think he's the priority but he won't be, the baby should be for both of you.

What worries me is that he's putting the responsibility onto you to make sure he feels he has the same level of attention as before.

So not only will you be getting to grips with breastfeeding, changing countless nappies, rocking to countless naps and being up 3/4 times a night, but in addition to all that you have to make sure he doesn't get the hump cos you're distracted?

I'm exhausted already. And what is he going to do, exactly??

He is already setting you up to fail. It's sad.

He's going to nag you for sex isn't he. Then go off in a hump when you say no because you're too tired.

What worries me is that he's putting the responsibility onto you to make sure he feels he has the same level of attention as before.

This, massively.

He's not just saying he is worried or scared about the baby. That would be very difficult to work through anyway. But he's putting it all on you, and setting it up so that you have to work hard to keep everything the same once the baby is here. It's like setting you up for a fall.

Labour and birth is about you and baby. Not a spectator sport for the needy, unsure or reluctant. It is an absolute privilege to attend a birth. Chose someone who will love, support and cherish you.

Absolutely agree with this. Don't put up with any more shit. Tell him what you're prepared to tolerate and that he has a choice to step up or not and if its not then he needs to leave you in peace.

Yes of course he will lose your attention. He is setting you up to be tiptoeing around him worrying if he is having his needs met by you when you have a newborn to care for. Whatever you do will not be enough.

I don't mean to be too negative about aging, but when we are young, it's all about ourselves. As we get older, it's not just about whether we have children. There are possibly sick parents and PIL to care for, or we may (will) get ill ourselves. Someone who makes a good partner through the good times may not be the person we would choose for the bad times.

If he can't take the potential "lack of attention" now , heaven knows what he'd be like through family emergencies, illness etc. We had our children late, and have had to combine this with supporting aged parents, work stresses, tiredness, illness etc etc. It has to be an equal partnership, as you don't want to shoulder the whole burden.

Having a baby is lovely, so don't let him spoil it any further.

Mimsy makes a very good point! OP's DH's 'ishyoos' now around a single baby will multiply like wildfire when you throw in a growing child's school needs and activities and eventually add in the needs of aging or dying parents.

DH and I were both very lucky in that we understood and agreed that we would shoulder the majority of our homelife and childrens' needs when, one by one, our parents became ill. We love each other enough to understand the value and feeling of 'giving back' to your parent for the care they gave you. And each of us was blessed ten fold to know that we had the time to devote to our parents, because the other was there keeping the home fires burning.

I hope her DH agrees to counseling. Even if I'm not too sanguine about it getting them anywhere.

Op I really really feel for you, I hope you can work this out. I'm
Currently pregnant with my 2nd and my dh is showing no interest whatsoever which is heartbreaking. Our first scan he thinks he won't be there because of work .

I really hope you can work this out.... With our first he was so excited but I know he struggled with the early days of having a young baby, it is hard and life changing but amazing too.
Maybe he is worrying too much and once baby is here he will realise he needs to grow up and the love for his child is like no other and although it's hard work it's also amazing too. Good luck with it all x

I do appreciate your input thank you everyone

DH did come along to the scan today the baby is fine and DH was OK.

Tomorrow evening we have our first couples counselling appointment we can afford a fair few sessions so hope it helps!

Good luck x

Best of luck to both of you.

Good luck sparkle

Good luck.

What sttruck me in your second last post was that this still seems, for him and you alike, to be all about him, with you doing all the work - he'll come to the scan to see how he feels. You researched counselling. The thing is that this is a pattern that has to end now, or your life will become unbearable and your child will be damaged. So do make sure you gather good support around you (his parents sound good. I know what I would say to any son of mine who gave a performance of this nature ) and you go into counselling with an agenda for you and the baby, not about revolving around him and doing the emotional work he's demanding.

for him and you alike, to be all about him, with you doing all the work
This. When the baby comes, you won't have time or energy to carry another adult, you'll need support. Can he give it? My dd's father couldn't/wouldn't, and I soon became resentful of being 'parent' to an adult male as well as to a newborn. I suppose its reasonable of you to give him a chance, but do be aware that he might not be willing or able to be the man you need.