My DH doesn't know if wants are baby

[Sparklesilverglitter]

I am 39 my DH is 44.
We have been together 17 year and we have been very happy and had a nice life. His current behaviour is not the norm in our relationship.

We had long talks about trying for a baby and we BOTH agreed it was what we wanted, so I went to the doctors and dh came with me to come off the pill and have a general health mot. I got pregnant very quick on our 2nd month of trying. This is our first baby.

When he found out I was pregnant, he told me he didn't want it and wanted me to have an abortion I told him in no un certain words this was not happening! So I moved out for 3 weeks to my parents, we talk he says it was intial shock and he's very sorry for what he said I go back home.

He wouldn't come to scans with me, point blank refused. I put the scan photo on the fridge he takes it off and puts in the draw. He won't even entrain the idea of painting the nursery so I pay a decorator. I had to carry the Moses basket home on the bus because he wouldn't drive me. I've had to ask Mum to be my birth partner in case he refuses to come

Every time I try to talk to him he shuts down completely, this is unlike him. I have asked him if he wants to move out or stay in a hotel ( we can afford this) for a few days to think over what he wants and he says he wants me but doesn't know if he wants the baby doesn't know if he can love it.
When we are doing things and not mentioning the baby his fine his my DH but as soon as the baby is mentioned he changes completely.

My parents say it could be at 44 years old he is scared of how his life will change and that it's probably just the reality hitting him that the baby is real and then once the baby is born he will love her.

I am scared that when my DD is born she will have a Dad that won't love her, and it's breaking my heart.

I am due the 19th of August and I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just writing this to get it all out I can keep it in no longer!

Hope ever thing works out for you. Xxx

The counselling didn't go as I hoped, this morning he moved out to his Mum & dads and I don't know what will happen from here yet. Part of me hopes it will be a wake up call to DH and he will realise something has to change but I just don't know.

Everybody I have spoke to tells me how much life changes when babies arrive and I know he will lose my attention once she arrives and there isn't a lot I can do about it. I want my baby to grow up in a happy house where she is the priority if that makes sense?

From talking to friends I have also reliesed that my marriage has never been equal all the grown up stuff cooking cleaning washing making sure bills paid on time has always fallen to me and I want my DD to grow up a strong woman not think that's how a marriage should be

I'm sorry but I don't think he is cut out to be a dad.

Now you are reflecting on your relationship it is even more clearer that he is used to being numero uno and a baby will usurp him from his throne.

As devastating as it is I think it is better that your child will be born surrounded by your love and care and not into a home fraught with tension and a jealous husband.

I'm so sorry it has come to this but please believe me that it would have been far worse if he had stayed and made both you and your daughters life a misery.

You are a strong lady and you will raise your daughter to be loving and strong just like you.

Please keep talking to us for moral and practical support.

OK, you tried counseling. It didn't accomplish what you'd hoped it would.

Now, forward. Continue counseling for yourself if you think it will help you. Gather those around you who will support you, and don't be afraid to ask for their support. Make your plans for the future for yourself and your baby. And remember that your baby WILL grow up in a happy home. A happy home that you will create for the two of you. And the two of you are enough to fill that home with love and laughter.

It might not feel like I now, but you have dodged a bullet. You don't have to lurk here long to see how awful it is to live with a selfish man who thinks women exist to serve him.

You've only had one session of counselling. Often the first session can be difficult and much depends on the counsellor as well.

I'll just say that many people think a counsellor will solve your problems and tell one spouse they are wrong. That's not what they do.

I'm sorry the session didn't go well and well done for wanting your DD to be a strong woman. She'll have you as a role model, so I'm sure she'll be just fine in that respect.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What made him leave after counselling?

I hope you can build a good supportive network around you to help and I've no doubt you'll give your baby a wonderful life.

Ditch him. Now.

I went through this and it didn't end well

I am doing ok and I feel calmer and not so anxious since he left. His still at his parents. We are still talking every couple of days on the phone and I let him know the baby was ok after my midwife appointment.
We have spoke about Maintence if we can't sort things out and he said he won't leave the baby short which is good to know.

I have great support from Mum & Dad and I have a few real close friends. Even my in laws they very much care about there un born grandchild

It still hurts me that he treated me the way he did after so many years together and part of me still hopes he will change his mind once our DD arrives silly I know as he more than likely won't.

Hi Sparkles, only just read this thread.
It's so hard as relationships change so much when you become parents.

I was with my husband for 16yrs. Everything changed when we became parents (we adopted) he wasn't up to the job and really disappointed me and let me down badly. I divorced him in the end.

You will be ok with or without him and it's easier to parent alone than with someone who's not fully on board.

i fear doing it alone much less than I feared doing it with him and him not wanting to be with us.

Remember that you can be much more alone in a bad marriage than you'll ever be living on your own.

Remember that you can be much more alone in a bad marriage than you'll ever be living on your own.

Double post. I guess that means I really mean it!

So many threads on here deal with spoilt man-children who can't cope with not being the centre of the universe when a baby arrives.
He's treated you appallingly. Yet you're still trying to win him round- stop. It's his problem. His attitude and his behaviour are driving this.
Babies are exhausting. You need to start focussing on you. How will you make sure you are supported through birth and the early days? Can your parents help?
Two posters above have given examples of men who finally came round to the idea. Hopefully it's worked out ok for them but bloody hell, why should the wives have had to put up with that in the first place? Why should they have to go through pregnancy and birth effectively alone and then be pleased the man finally makes an effort? It's not bloody good enough. I'd have kicked their arse out before that.

They all say that at first about maintenance btw. Then they get a new gf and suddenly don't see why they should be paying, so nail that down legally.

Absolutely fuming for you. Stop trying to get him inside, tell him to shape up or ship out and some real support in place.

Tell him to move out and suggest he gets counselling pronto. He can afford it by the sounds of it and he needs to get a grip. Or he needs to let you move on without him.

If his behaviour is really out of character it sounds like a mid life crisis.

Either way you don't want him around. Kick him out. Get your parents to come look after you in the last few weeks of pg and first few weeks of baby's life and get used to the idea of being a single parent.

Even if he is depressed he is still responsible for his actions and his words and he is being a total cock at what should be a magical time for you.

wow, there are a lot of 'throw him out' comments here that are kinda sad really. I know the situation is horrible right now, but acting rashly isn't the way to deal with it. You both need to have a serious long talk about it.

The fact of the matter is that some men (and women too) really struggle with pregnancy and freak out and don't know how to cope with it at all. My ex was the same when I was pregnant and I honestly was terrified at the time. But he worships out daughter. He acted very much like your hubby is acting now, and he too was going to be an older father and at his age had never expected to be in teh situation of impending parenthood (surprise baby) and didn't know how he would cope, provide for the baby, or how it woudl change his life that he was so settled in.

At the time all I could think about was how selfish he was, but now, especialyl having seen several other couples go through the same thing, I can see that a huge amount of it was fear - fear about changes, inadequacy, how it would impact our relationship, would I stop loving him as much when I had the baby, was he too old, honestly, the list went on and on and he bottled it up so much that I was totally ready to do it myself.

Sometimes we forget how helpless and out of control of the situation the other partner feels. Although it is their baby too they often feel disconnected from the whole experience.

It sounds to me like he's terrified and not sure how to express that.

Is there a friend who can talk to him or a professional he would see to get to the root of why he's feeling like this?

But be calm about it - telling him to move out is only going to reinforce his fears and negative feelings to wards things.

Sounds like you both could do with sitting down with a counsellor and talking this through.

Best of luck.

x

Your story mirrors mine largely. I persisted which means I did have a surprise DD2 but it also blighted what should have been a happy time. I saddled myself with a long term nightmare too. We had a month long fight after the birth of DD1.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant he had gone back to his ex although he only ensured i found out after the divorce.

My DDs choose not to see their Dad - they are probably better judges of character than I am.

But, they are worth all the other shit a 1000x over.

We are still talking but living apart still. I don't know what's going to happen in the future but right now I just focus on the baby and look forward to meeting her.

I'm lucky I have good friends and family so I'm not short of support which is something

You sound incredibly strong and I'm sure you'll be a brilliant mum. All the very best for the future for you and your little girl.

No advice but I just want to say that I admire how you're coping with this and wish you and your baby all the luck in the world

My DH is going to start counselling just for him self starting this week, I don't know if it will do any good as his a very closed person but it is good he is trying.

We keep in touch every few days have a chat on the phone, his still at his parents.

Good to hear you're still talking Sparkle. You're pretty amazing to still be looking for the positives from him rather than just getting angry.

Think about some counselling for you too, you have a lot to get your head around. Even if he decides he wants to come back and be a dad you'll have a lot to forgive and it's not easy to let it go.

Not too long now til you meet your girl. You'll feel so fiercely protective it may change how you feel about a lot of this. I didn't mind too much the disinterest from dh when I was pregnant, but once ds was born I began to hate him for not caring about our son. Took a lot of getting over.

I hope your family and friends have rallied round. And I hope your DH can achieve something with counselling. As you say, he is at least trying.

Glad you're still talking & didn't take up some of the knee jerk advice, some offered. Hope it all works out