to think DP should get himself up in the morning?

[EnoughAlready999]

He sets about 3 alarm his phone but turns them all off and goes back to sleep until I come up and say it's 8 / ten past whatever. He then blames me for him being in a rush, calls me rude/ignorant etc. My daughterlikes to be early for school so we leave at 8.25/8.30 but he adds stress to it all by holding us up and sometimes (like this morning) smoking in the car which DD hates (she knows it's illegal too!)

I've told him I will stop talking to him in the morning as its just upsetting. I don't see why I should be spoken to like that. He says he ddoesn't know why I'm like it as though I'm the rude one.

As someone with a self-obsessed mother, I can see why you are reluctant to move in with your mother. It won't be an environment where you can get back to normal. Are you sure it won't drive you back to him?

Is there any other option? Have you spoken to any housing people? Could you get an order making him leave? Especially as he is a drug addict and it sounds like he does it in a way that DD would witness.

We're not going on holiday. He wanted to use the money from the deposit on our old (rented) place to pay for it but I told him I'm having that. He wasn't happy about this, said I'd been sneaky and called me various things.

We dropped DD to her club and then went shopping. His mood seemed to improve a bit but then once we'd picked up DD he switched back again as he felt that we'd both been rude to him (said the same this morning - neither of us knew what he was on about!) He was banging around in the kitchen and while I was getting the washing in was shouting out to me "how much of that £575 are you going to give me?" over and over til I answered. I said £40 as he had to pay that for a broken blind. I think he got very annoyed then and tried to change the wifi password.

Sat down to dinner and his mood switched back to "good" again. I just stayed silent.

I said foreign travel is out of the question due to the Zika risk.

Oh, it's so tedious.

RunRabbit that is what worries me. I feel like she's already pressurising me into saying when exactly I'll move back etc. I'm not doing anything til I'm ready and I feel that DD is ready. My brother who lives at home owns the house opposite and rents out the rooms. I really wish we could move in there as then I'd have my family nearby but not in my face all the time. There are 2 male lodgers/tenants though so not sure I'd be comfortable with that and I know DP wouldn't be. My brother is planning to rent the whole place to a family anyway so I can't expect him to let us live there rent-free. I did actually move there last July for a night or two but it was too impulsive the way I did it and I hated being in this big house all on my own. Plus DP was 'heartbroken'. DD meanwhile wanted to stay there! I should've stayed for a week really.

Talk to your brother - if he decides that he'd rather help his sis out instead of making money by renting the place out that's his decision; he's a grown-up. He may not be able to do that though but he may knw of somewhere else more suitable. You won't know until you talk to him.

You can claim housing benefit if you rent your brothers house as long as he doesnt live in the property with you. You would need a proper tenancy agreement, although you wouldnt need a deposit if he is ok with that. He would get his rent and you would get a secure home. It could work out well for both of you as I am sure he would rather rent it to you than strangers who he cant be sure will look after his property.

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/housing_benefit_and_local_housing_allowance/what_is_housing_benefit/housing_benefit_if_renting_from_a_family_member

It's a big 4 bed house though so I wouldn't get enough HB to cover the normal rent.

I have spoken to him about it before but he changes his mind a lot. One of the tenants there now would like to live there with his wife and kids who are currently in a different city. He seems to think he owns the place and it pisses me right off.

I think maybe I should stay put until July/August. I was thinking I'd move out next week as its half term so a bit easier for DD as she won't have to go to school in the middle of it all. But I don't know. I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow anyway.

Just checking in, OP. How did the meeting with the counsellor go?

Hope you're feeling better and have some housing options to consider.

I didn't go to the counsellor in the end. Felt too tired and he was off work so didn't really want to have to explain.

He's been nicer for the last couple of days, probably cos he's got a few days off but woke up in a bad mood today accusing me and DD of being ignorant and rude. He said "I suppose I should just get used to it, shouldn't I?" I said "that or leave". He got in quite a mood and I thought he might smash something but he went out to smoke instead.

I told my mum I'd move back this week but not sure I will.

Just read the whole thread. Fwiw, Enough, he doesn't sound nice in his texts, he sounds manipulative. If he can switch the charm off and on at will, you can be sure it's not real.

Same goes for his sorrow/remorse/whatever when he thinks he might be losing you. It's manipulative.

He won't take you seriously about splitting up, I suspect. Keep going regardless. Life will be so much better for you and DD with him out of the house. Have you spoken to CAB or a solicitor about your ideas for moving out/getting him to move out? Women's Aid could be useful too: I know you said they could only offer practical advice, but that is a great help in your position.

I haven't spoken to a solicitor or CAB no. I don't think there's any chance of him leaving. WA said they would text me with the appointment but I haven't heard from them.

He did upset me earlier, so much that I couldn't go out with DD as planned. Just went back to bed. She is very bored almost bored to tears - woke me up, showed me a nice pastel picture she'd done and then tore it up

Oh, poor DD.

Do you tell her that his behaviour is wrong? She'll believe it's just how fathers are, otherwise.

On a brighter note, imagine how different the day would have been if he hadn't been there. The fun you and DD would have had out together. Hold on to thoughts like that while you extricate yourself. And remember every small step takes you closer to freedom.

Nothing is going to change, love.

You won't go to your mum's, you duck counselling, you haven't contacted CAB, you passively accept WA won't contact you again, you still live by the barometer of his mood, you are resigned he won't move out

Your daughter is suffering.Please find a way to shake this apathy off and take some action.

Thanks for your contribution AnyFucker.

You sound massively depressed. Could you at least see your GP and take it from there.

If you don't change something you and your dc will continue to live in misery. A lovely bank holiday weekend and you went back to bed because of how your husband treated you. This is not fair on them.

If you wait for him to take action, hell will freeze over.

It's not fair and it's not right that you have to shake things up when he is the one in the wrong. But what is the alternative ?

Wow. So your DD does something nice and then tears it up!?
And you think this is ok and normal.
Your poor poor DD.
You are currently resigning her to your life when she is older.
This is her normal now.
This is what you are teaching her.
This is not ok.
As AF says.
Get to your GP.
This makes me very sad.

Your poor DD. She is already in distress and is going to continue being in distress until you get her out of this toxic situation. She is being subjected to constant abuse by that scumbag. She deserves better. You deserve better. Leave him and get on with your lives. I suspect your DD will need some counselling after all this after being subjected to so much abuse. You do too in order to show you that it is not ok to be treated this way.

Have you called WA yet? Why do you continue to stay with such an abusive twat?

Don't waste energy blaming yourself because you feel so stuck that you can't do anything and therefore just allow things to happen around you. It's understandable as he blames you for everything so it doesn't matter if you do this or that because it will always be wrong anyway. I believe it's called 'Learned Helplessness'.

It's hard to get past the initial hump to get yourself out of Learned Helplessness, but dig deep.

You're fed up, you know what you want but you don't know how to get it; you see massive obstacles in the way of every move you could possibly make - some real and some mere possibilities. WA haven't contacted you is an example. This one is NOT insurmountable. You can ring them, at your convenience. Can you make a resolution to ring them again and then when and then do it? You've already called them once so you know that you can. Take that step.

Take little steps. It's hard, but keep pushong yourself. You will find it gets easier with each step. When you hit a wall, find that you're in that place where you can't do anything, ask people for help, suggestions, experience. Come here, there are so many here who can help you through shared experience, sharing knowledge, holding your hand (virtually), patting you on the back, giving you a hug and support and encouragement.

You will get your life back. You will enjoy life again. take that step.

Take one step. Just pick one thing and do it. Don't try to think about the whole thing right now.

I suggest it be calling your GP to get help with your depression.

I did self-refer myself to the psychological wellbeing team which is what the GP would do. I'm not taking antidepressants while pregnant. They wrote to me but I didn't get back to them within the 7 days - do they really expect depressed/anxious people to respond that quickly?! So I'll probably have to refer myself again but I guess my midwife & GP should know as well.

Had my 20 week scan today and all is okay luckily. DP was sat in the waiting room reading about growing cannabis on his phone. He was quite sulky on the way up and afterwards. I felt like he was punishing me for being happy about it being a girl. He's so negative - on the way out he was reading info about the scan and remarked about it saying they can't guarantee 100% that all will be fine. It makes me think he wanted something to be wrong so we could get rid of it.

Usual complaining about dinner and again a bit later saying I hadn't cleared table, put away left overs etc. Accused us being rude as he thought we were whispering. Clumsily 'tidied up' knocking a light bulb off the side and smashing it. He then said that 'I was stressing him out'! I was calmly washing up. I decided to stop talking to him then.

Glad things look OK on the scan.

As Across says, pick one thing and do it. Which one will you do? Can we help you in any way?

Good self refer again. Make up your mind to follow through.

Is there any way you can stop doing 'domestic duties' for him? Let him take care of himself.

It makes me angry reading about him so goodness knows how you cope daily!
Congrats on it being a girl.
Focus on your pregnancy and try to ignore him!

WA texted to ask me to ring to make an assessment appointment, rang today but the person/team that deals with group B people like me aren't in today. I think group B is those suffering EA and not DV. Probably should have said he grabbed me by the ears this morning, pushed his face up against mine and hurt my neck. And probably should call the police but something is stopping me.

He also whacked me with a cushion last night.