DHs on Holiday

[SennyP]

My DH and his (male) friend used to go on "lads" holidays when they were younger. This year, they are discussing doing it again. I am absolutely fine with this .. me and DH will still have our holiday, we can afford it, and we have no kids that he would be leaving me with. I trust him and want him to be happy.

But the wife of DHs friend is absolutely against the idea. They also don't have kids, can afford it, and they are also going on their own holiday, but for some reason she is dead against the idea of him going on a holiday with anyone but her. She doesn't understand that two lads on a holiday will have different times/experiences than a couple.

Basically, now I am looking like the bad person, because of course DHs friend is telling his wife how reasonable I am, and how I don't mind, and she is starting to make remarks about how there is more to the story. There really isn't. To me it's just part of being in a relationship.

Can anyone give advice on how I should manage this, without ending up being the baddie when I'm trying to be the goody!

If your H is ever in need of an OW sassandfaff I'd quite like a bar in the corner of the living room!

He wouldn't actually build it Dozer it would be wonky

Can you not afford one yourself?

Life is short! It's fab to go on holidays with your friends whether male or female. If she does not know that, her problem, not yours. Invite her for a weekend away with just girls?

Great idea, stuff the family holiday and I might be able to afford one but perhaps not the cocktail waiter to match!

I guess for me the thing is (and we're really stretching the metaphor here!) I feel that if my DH eating cake was something that would devastate me and break my heart, I wouldn't want to be with him if I actively had to keep him away from cake. I want him to not eat the cake because he wants to never hurt me (just as I want to never hurt him), rather than because his access to cake is limited. And I wouldn't have married him if I thought he was ever likely to be a cake-eater.

Have you ever read 'just good friends' margaret?

It pretty much explains how affairs can happen to people who really believe it would never happen to them.

Not everyone who has an affair, knows that they have the personality to have one. That is naive.

A lot believe they would never have one, but still do. Hence the reason why they change the history - I never loved her, translated is, I would never have an affair, I'm not the type, but i did, so it must mean the ow is the love of my life/soul mate, and I never felt this way about my wife.

It's a lot more subtle than just a 'man (or women) who cheats will cheat regardless'.

I love the analogy she uses in the book, about having windows between yourself and your partner, and walls up to everyone else. But sometimes when the line is being crossed, the walls come up between partners and windows open to the affair partner.

No, I haven't read it. I did cheat on a previous (live-in) boyfriend, though. So I know that (I think) good people can cheat. What I would say, though, was that in relationship, while all the responsibility was on me and my terrible behaviour, if any of it could be traced back to the relationship it wasn't a lack of boundaries, it was that the relationship had begun to feel claustrophobic.

Anyway, you're now talking about slow burn affairs - but surely we can agree that holidays aren't the 'risk zone' for that? Those sorts of affairs normally grow in places that you can't ban your other half from - like work.

I absolutely agree in that if my DH is going to cheat he could do so on holiday, at work, when I'm at work .............. lots of opportunities ............. it could happen (& I am not for one moment one of those wives who would say 'it could never happen to me' - none of us know) but preventing him from going on holiday is not going to stop it and sounds totally controlling to me, and I would not be happy if my DH tried to 'control' my holiday plans.

Would you be OK with shakey's situation though Ragwort?

If he had a female best friend and they were sharing a room?

margaret, help me out here

all the people who did marry cake eaters, is it their fault they didn't notice the crumbs around the mouth before the big day ?

I have to say, a man having "best friends" who are serial cheaters and prostitute-users is a MASSIVE red flag. Like a big screaming one.

You are right tonydanza, and I'd agree completely, if it wasn't for the fact that they are ex armed forces.

There seems to be a lower level of misogyny and debauchery in such cultures, than in civilian world.

If it wasn't for my dp's views on prostitution and other things I know but can't reveal I would think red flag too.

Anyfucker of course not. But I do maintain that those who are cheated on wouldn't have been any happier if they'd spent years beforehand trying to prevent cheating - nor do I think it would have worked. I guess, ultimately, that's what I think. In no marriage is cheating impossible, but running your life around preventing it prolongs the misery.

Well, you seemed rather self congratulatory there, Margaret. Well done you for having the good sense to not marry a cheater.

I don't think anyone is to blame for marrying a cheater. However, I think if your husband says he's going on holiday and your first thought is 'he'll cheat on me there' you've made a bad decision - why have you married someone where you think that's an ever-present possibility?

I haven't. But some women/men have good reason to feel they don't deserve someone that makes them feel secure and I am not dismissive of that. You sound like you are.

I'm not dismissive of it, I just don't think telling them that that's fine and normal is helpful. If you don't trust your OH don't marry them. How is that problematic advice? Would you really tell your best friend to marry someone they didn't trust? I wouldn't.

"You are right tonydanza, and I'd agree completely, if it wasn't for the fact that they are ex armed forces.

There seems to be a lower level of misogyny and debauchery in such cultures, than in civilian world. "

Seriously?! Have you NEVER heard 'what goes on your stays on tour?'

Of the much higher divorce rate in the military? As for misogyny I can assure you it's alive and well, it's only pretty recently female soldiers didn't have to leave if they got married/pregnant, plus if there's an affair between a male and female soldiers regardless of if only the guy who's married it has more of an effect on the woman's career they're the one more likely to have promotion affected and be posted away from the location of the affair (even though officially that's not meant to happen).

Check out the arrse forums for starters

Argh!

'What goes on tour stays on tour'

Also block parties (basically orgies), and swinging parties, wives signalling when they're other half is away...

This isn't just about cheating surely. Some women might just feel a bit pissed off sad that their partner wants to spend a fortnight with his mate. Not all women want two weeks at home on their own. OP's happy with it, mate's wife isn't.

baconyum

You missed understood me. I meant there is a lower worse level of misogyny and debauchery in the armed forces. Translated as...........it is more gutter level than in the civilian world.

I was an armed forces partner for 11 years. Dp divulged what went on. Perhaps that's why I'm not very trusting.

Rightio apologies then

Yes half my family and my ex all military (frankly I should've known better!)

No worries.

Waltermittythesequel : sorry just saw you asked me a question!
Well id just miss him alot as we spend most of our time together. We have shared interests and hobbies. Anywhere he would be interested in going i would probably also be very interested in and vice versa! I suppose if it was a weekend away or something i wouldnt mind too much. I dont think i could do every year though. Its just the type of person i am but fortunately my partner is the same. We both like to spend alot of time together. I need alot of emotional input and so does he. I know that its just a personality thing though i dont think its the only way a relationship should be. I know couples who have totally different interests to each other but still love one another.
I dont worry that hed be unfaithful or anything. I mean i suppose anyone could be but i dont think its something you can guard against, if people want to cheat on you they will do it weather you happily let them go on holiday alone or not!