DHs on Holiday

[SennyP]

My DH and his (male) friend used to go on "lads" holidays when they were younger. This year, they are discussing doing it again. I am absolutely fine with this .. me and DH will still have our holiday, we can afford it, and we have no kids that he would be leaving me with. I trust him and want him to be happy.

But the wife of DHs friend is absolutely against the idea. They also don't have kids, can afford it, and they are also going on their own holiday, but for some reason she is dead against the idea of him going on a holiday with anyone but her. She doesn't understand that two lads on a holiday will have different times/experiences than a couple.

Basically, now I am looking like the bad person, because of course DHs friend is telling his wife how reasonable I am, and how I don't mind, and she is starting to make remarks about how there is more to the story. There really isn't. To me it's just part of being in a relationship.

Can anyone give advice on how I should manage this, without ending up being the baddie when I'm trying to be the goody!

It's not about trust sometimes, it's about knowing humans are fallible and protecting boundaries for that reason.

What a sad view, and a very controlling one at that

Wow Sassandfaff! How lucky is your DP to have you policing his behaviour and hey, maybe laying down the odd veto, but only for his own good? Your simply protecting himself from himself really aren't you. These men eh? What can you do?

It depends on how you look at it pan.

Spend enough time on here, and you'll find there are lots of people who didn't have that view, and still got cheated on.

Some probably have that view now though and might even kick themselves for being so........ Trying to think of the right word......trusting? Naive? Cool? Unjaded?

People have different views based on their experiences. You have yours based on things that have happened or haven't happened to you. Doesn't make you right (or me) it just means your views are framed on a different perspective of life from mine.

My dp us free to leave and have the great life of going to benidorm with his male friends if he wants. I just wouldn't be here when he got back.

I'm pretty sure if I told him I was going to an all weekend party at an army barracks (I love military men) he would veto that. And I would have to make a choice, if it was worth losing him over.

We live in a world at the moment that has decided we should all be allowed to carry on with traditionally single occupations, despite being in a relationship. Lads holidays, porn, strip clubs, gaming, staying out till all hours despite having kids etc.

If this is what you want either stay single or find someone who doesn't care. Don't force people who do mind and have a different mindset into accepting it, by telling them they are insecure/ controlling/ the problem.

You don't need to agree with me. But surely you can see that people have different lenses on life.

Well said, sass.

My husband can do what the fuck he likes.

He might not be able to stay married to me though. Life is full of choices.

joe" he polices me.

Apparently I'm not allowed to go out and shag a really fit man that I see, because he wouldn't be happy with that. I can't even take his number. What a pisser.

Everyone has deal breakers.

He's not happy with how much my hobby takes up. He expressed this and I've had to compromise. The alternative is to not care about his feelings, do it anyway, or choose to be single.

We all make sacrifices. It's called being an adult........last time I looked.

Seriously would not mind if the DH wanted to go wherever with his mates. I keep trying to tell him to go with his db to spend time doing his hobby (not golf, but I find it equally boring, but it has mostly in a different country, wish he'd go!) He'd have a lovely time, I don't mind staying home. Funny views some people have on here. Don't put temptation in the way?! Sounds like we're in Church! I trust my DH implicitly.

So you're insecurities match and you're happy to be policing each other so it kind of works. I get it. All relationships have to have that balance.

I've married my wife and we've made vows to be faithful and to care for each other so those are the deal breakers. Anything outside of that isn't a deal breaker although obviously you make compromises with things from time to time. My wife telling me that I couldn't go on holiday because she couldn't trust me not to fuck someone because vagina is a bit like cake, that's not a compromise, that is messed up.

Well, it totally depends what type of holiday it is!

The "lads" doing lads' stuff, getting pissed, pulling drunk girls, going to stripclubs ... Or

The "lads" cycling somewhere as cycling is their shared hobby.

If my DH wanted to go on the piss and the pull with the lads, he could, every week. But he would no longer be my H.

Either you commit to a relationship or you're free to pull whoever you want.

Or you are a "cool wife"/"cool h" who is happy for their partner to take a break from their commitment for stag do's and lads holidays. And why not, if you are both happy with that.

I'm sure millions of people trusted their partners implicitly at some point, but no longer do Gide.

I have no impression that I've ever been cheated on. (Past and current partner) I don't think my dp is going to cheat when he goes out with his friends. Does that translate to, I believe he would never cheat? No.

Sass, maybe you are as jaded as me , in my 40s and know too many "nice" guys who have slept around and been to prostitues on "lads trips"

Yes, 40's here.

My dp's best friend is married with 2 dcs and a DSS. I would bet my house she doesn't know how many world wide prostitutes he has been with.

She might even be on here, telling everyone how much she trusts him implicitly......

Are all your partners that gorgeous that they would be successful pulling! My experience of being away is that most would be lucky if it went that far!

Like I said Joe maybe your lense hasn't been tainted. Good for you. sincerely you picked a good un.

True bigem but when you're paying it doesn't matter!

Seriously, my dp is good looking. But he's still punching above his weight and lucky he got me.

So why bother Sass? Why not just be single?

Do I need to be single, just because I think human beings are capable of letting you down?

Because I don't walk around trusting someone 100%, that means I don't believe in relationships, or that I should choose to not participate?

Not really following that logic.

Are relationships only open to madly in love, uncynical people?

BTW I was 'cool girl' for 15 years. Now older and wiser.

Sorry to hear that summer

I'm glad I've had my eye openers though. I would rather be me now, than the past me.

I do believe that the strength it brings is more worthy than living in the innocence. Just my humble opinion.

I've just returned to Mumsnet after taking a break. This thread reminds me of why I left in the first place.

Sayonara then

Umm, I thought roughly the same thing AF.

Mine was more like, don't let the door bang you in the ass on the way out.

You know what? People on here are allowed to have an opinion and comment without people being so fucking bitchy. Not that it's actually any of your business but I'm not going anywhere, it's just that this thread has made me despair of relationships in general. I certainly won't be bullied by people like you two who clearly think you own the place.

The idea of this site is women in support of each other isn't it? Well done for your contribution.

Don't mention it