DHs on Holiday

[SennyP]

My DH and his (male) friend used to go on "lads" holidays when they were younger. This year, they are discussing doing it again. I am absolutely fine with this .. me and DH will still have our holiday, we can afford it, and we have no kids that he would be leaving me with. I trust him and want him to be happy.

But the wife of DHs friend is absolutely against the idea. They also don't have kids, can afford it, and they are also going on their own holiday, but for some reason she is dead against the idea of him going on a holiday with anyone but her. She doesn't understand that two lads on a holiday will have different times/experiences than a couple.

Basically, now I am looking like the bad person, because of course DHs friend is telling his wife how reasonable I am, and how I don't mind, and she is starting to make remarks about how there is more to the story. There really isn't. To me it's just part of being in a relationship.

Can anyone give advice on how I should manage this, without ending up being the baddie when I'm trying to be the goody!

I've been to benidorm and plenty of other weekends away in the U.K with friebds. I have never ever cheated. Never would. I love my dP more than anything, why would I stop loving them because I was abroad?

It's complicated Twenty Something to do with the different timezone, too much sun and an inability to resist temptation I think. But if you play golf or ski you seem to be alright because there's some sort of exemption.

I'm going to take up golf immediately just to be on the safe side.

Actually, on second thoughts I'd rather take my chances.

I love going on holiday with a friend and leaving DH behind, the best and most relaxing holidays ever .

I'd love to know how some women (or men for that matter) actually 'prevent' their partner from going on holiday without them - do they sulk, kick up a huge fuss, refuse to share the bank account - all deeply unattractive habits I would have thought. My DH has had weekends away with 'the lads' for years .......... I wouldn't have dreamed of stopping him.

Neither I nor DW have but some of our married friends regularly go away on boys or girls weekends or weeks away. If you are with someone you don't or can't trust you probably shouldn't be with them and if they are likely to cheat they're just as capable of doing so while home.

Ragwort Do you dream of stopping him for anything?

Surely everyone who says, why would I want to make him unhappy, must have something in their life that they have said no too. Perhaps they wanted a big money purchase, or a new car and it wasn't feasible, or perhaps it was something small that you hated, an ugly ornament, or wallpaper?

Or do you all bend over backwards so much, that your partners can do ANYTHING, without so much as a mutterance?

No i don't sulk, cry or lock down the funds. I do what I think ,most people do when they don't agree a course of action- I express myself.

He'd have a bar in the corner of the living room, if I hadn't expressed my absolute distaste.

Apparently in these relationships where you want to keep your other half happy, you don't do this, ever....... weird.

He'd have a bar in the corner of the living room, if I hadn't expressed my absolute distaste.

Sass I would back you 100% on the bar veto. That's a line in the sand issue right there.

Perbsy

Yes I think my wife would be happy with it if I wanted to go - I wouldn't want to go though. If I am not engaging in sporting activities there is only one person I want to spend time with.

I can't tell if you are being sarcastic joe ?

I was agreeing with you. If my partner said they wanted a bar in the corner of the living room I'd veto it immediately.

It got very heated, just gonna say what I think.

Fair enough op you've accepted there may be a reason the other person's wife has for not wanting him to go, I've been cheated on, my ex went on several holidays etc I never had a problem with that, if they're (male or female) gonna cheat they'll do it regardless of geography BUT with a holiday they will feel they're more likely to get away with it, especially as they can give false names etc to their shag. mine cheated with my supposed friend and neighbour!

But also you can't POSSIBLY know about their finances, holiday arrangements, if he has a gambling or spendthrift issue, a substance issue, or if ... and he'd be a major bellend to dismiss this one, her or someone else she loves is awaiting results of medical tests or a court case or something else stressful. Now that's just off the top of my head so there could be any number of good reasons why she doesn't want him to go.

OK.

So, you can veto some things without it being controlling, but not others?

Or would vetoing a bar still be controlling?

Is there a list?

Well there's a difference here between an interior design issue and a going on a holiday issue isn't there?

First off, joking aside let's not use the word veto because most of us most of the time don't veto things with our partners do we? We tend to negotiate so for example -

Scenario 1
Ghost - You know what would really finish this living room off? A fucking great bar in the corner with all my spirits so I can make like I'm Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

Ghost's partner: I hate those living room bar things so it's a no from me. And Tom Cruise? In your dreams.

Ghost: How come you get final say?

Ghost's partner: Because this is my home too and I hate those bars and if you put one of those in I have to live with it day in and day out in my home that I contribute to just the same as you. What about instead we get one of those nice drink cabinets that are inside a world globe. I always thought they were super classy and that way you can still have all your drinks together in a drinks area but I don't have to put up with my living room getting wrecked.

Ghost: That sounds good. Hey you expressed why you were unhappy with my plan and proposed an alternative. We've both compromised and I feel great about it. Fancy a quick Mimosa?

Ghost's wife - Oooh saucy!

Scenario 2
Ghost's wife: My old university friend Sandy wanted to know if I fancied going on a holiday to Spain for a week. There's a cheap deal and I've got some extra overtime this month so I could use that to pay for it. I said I'd mention it to you. Have we got anything planned for July?

Ghost: Is this Sandy who's shagged around behind the back of every boyfriend she's ever had?

Ghost's wife: She's had a troubled relationship history yes.

Ghost: I'm not having you jetting off to Spain for a week unsupervised with Sandy. It's like that thing with the living room bar that you didn't want.

Ghost's wife: But how does me going off to Spain for a week impact on your life.

Ghost: Well it doesn't in any direct way but it does trigger the insecurities I have around not really trusting you to not shag anything that moves. So it seems to me that the least you can do is modify your behavior so that I feel better about myself.

Ghost's wife: Can we compromise at all?

Ghost: Well a holiday with Sandy is obviously out. Maybe you could go to the Isle of Wight with your Mother for a couple of days. As long as you play golf.

Ghost's wife: You're a shit Ghost. And another thing, I'm pregnant!

Duff Duff Duff

Tune in next week when Ghost plans a boys trip to Thailand!

So er yeah. Aren't the two scenarios different?

By the way I didn't get much sleep last night and it's just possible that it's effecting my posting today. Who knows?

Only read first page. That was enough.

A coo wife cos you don't mind your H going on holiday without you??

Really?

I hate the digs about 'cool wives'.

Not assuming the worst of your partner and not trying to crawl all over everything they do without you isn't an attempt to be 'cool' - it's being secure and having a life and knowing that if your partner is going to cheat they'll do it anyway/anywhere - there's enough threads about affair sites/office affairs/etc to prove it.

IMO obviously.

Joe I'm not sure where to start to be honest, but my first thought was that you have presented a straw man argument.

Didn't scenario 2 'express why they were unhappy and propose an alternative'? Just like scenario 1

I think it's just as crap to tell someone that they are a 'controlling wife' just because they do mind. farrow

Yes, in both scenarios someone expressed why they were happy and proposed an alternative. Did you find both equally valid?

And what about my wife being pregnant at the end? To be honest, I didn't see that coming.

I wouldn't use the word valid. I would say that both of them have the same dilemma. Except for some reason one is seen as controlling and the other is seen as a day to day life compromise.

The only thing that makes them differently is surely the subjectiveness of the couple it is happening too.

I saw it coming to be honest. These paint by numbers soap operas just don't have the surprise value tbh.

Ha. Harsh but fair!

blindsider. Correct answer.

I am clearly in a minority here: DH and I both go away with friends without the other one. I'm actually going to be away without him on our first wedding anniversary (though I did check quite a few times that that one really, really was ok)!

What I don't understand is why trusting your partner when he's on holiday is laughably naive, but thinking that you can prevent someone cheating by watching them carefully isn't? If DH is going to cheat then he'll cheat. If I'm going to cheat then I'll cheat. To use a previously used analogy - if DH chucked all of the cake out of our house and I really fancied cake, I would pop out for some cake.

I join your minority. Posted earlier that it wouldn't bother me. I'm due to go on a weekend away with my (male) best friend where we, shock horror, plan to share a room

That takes a lot more effort though margaret You would need to decide you want cake, be dressed, find your purse, put your shoes and coat on and go to the shops and purchase cake.

If you are in the house and you've had a bit to drink, and the cake is in the kitchen, it's much easier to acquire cake.

I don't think it's laughable naive. I don't even think it's necessarily naive. It is definitely trusting, and there is nothing wrong with that.

It's probably just the case that some people trust and other don't so much, due to our personal life experiences and our personalities to some extent.

That's intersting shakey I'd be interested to see out of all the people that say they are ok with their oh's going away on a single sex holiday, whether they would be ok with an opposite sex holiday, and sharing a room?

I thing the fall in trust might be quite steep. But I could be wrong.