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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DHs on Holiday

199 replies

SennyP · 18/05/2016 16:40

My DH and his (male) friend used to go on "lads" holidays when they were younger. This year, they are discussing doing it again. I am absolutely fine with this .. me and DH will still have our holiday, we can afford it, and we have no kids that he would be leaving me with. I trust him and want him to be happy.

But the wife of DHs friend is absolutely against the idea. They also don't have kids, can afford it, and they are also going on their own holiday, but for some reason she is dead against the idea of him going on a holiday with anyone but her. She doesn't understand that two lads on a holiday will have different times/experiences than a couple.

Basically, now I am looking like the bad person, because of course DHs friend is telling his wife how reasonable I am, and how I don't mind, and she is starting to make remarks about how there is more to the story. There really isn't. To me it's just part of being in a relationship.

Can anyone give advice on how I should manage this, without ending up being the baddie when I'm trying to be the goody! Confused

OP posts:
exLtEveDallas · 19/05/2016 16:32

I wouldn't give two tits if DH wanted to go on holiday with his mates. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. It doesn't make me a 'cool wife', just one that doesn't care. All he'd want to do would be get pissed all day, eat a kebab at 6pm and go to bed. Very very boring.

Conversely though, I wouldn't even suggest I did the same with my mates. DH would absolutely hate the idea. He would be seriously pissed off if I wanted to do that.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/05/2016 16:45

Some men cheat, some do not. Some women cheat, some do not. No one knows OP's DH nor his mate. If OP trusts her DH, that's her business and my assumption is that she has good reason for that trust. She knows him, we don't. Same for his mate's wife if she does not trust her DH. I think it's ridiculous to assume that 'all men' will cheat if given the chance (i.e. on a lad's holiday). I can name many, many more men in my and DH's circle who would NOT be unfaithful than men who would.

To the OP ;

and she is starting to make remarks about how there is more to the story

Frankly I'd be telling her that if she 'knows something' or has something to say about my husband, she needs to spit it out or shut the hell up. Enough with the innuendos.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/05/2016 16:47

exLtEve Really? That sucks for you. Girls only trips are an absolute blast.

Sincere question; Does this bother you? I'm probably reading something that isn't there, but you seem almost proud of that.

Pisssssedofff · 19/05/2016 16:51

It is true if they are going to cheat they don't need a holiday to do it on, it'll happen some how if they are that way inclined.

exLtEveDallas · 19/05/2016 16:53

No it bothers me quite a bit actually. He's never liked me going 'off with the girls' - especially when I was still drinking. He used to say that bullshit "It's not YOU that I don't trust, it's other men" and it used to wind me up big time.

He is really insecure. Drives me batty.

Original poster
SennyP · 19/05/2016 17:10

I have to say, I feel it far more likely that a man would cheat within the confines of his "normal" life - at work, out with friends, at a sports club etc - rather than on a 2 week holiday abroad. But maybe that's just me.

OP posts:
TheGhostOfTroubledJoe · 19/05/2016 17:15

I'm not surprised it bothers you exLtEveDallas, it is not an acceptable way to treat your partner. It's not your responsibility to pander to your husbands insecurity.

MissBattleaxe · 19/05/2016 17:19

Maybe the friend's wife doesn't trust her DH as much as you trust yours. Maybe he has given her reason not to trust him. You don;t know what goes on in someone else's marriage. They could be recovering from an affair for all you know.

Personally, I would wonder why my DH would want to go for two whole weeks, but I don't have a problem with him having long weekends away with his bunch of friends he doesn't see very often. I think it does him good.

AnyFucker · 19/05/2016 17:21

I don't understand folk getting exercised about "tarring all men with the same brush". Any man that fucks about is doing it with some woman/women (usually)

Unless the other implied raised eyebrows about two men "going on holiday together" are on the money.... Wink

Pinkheart5915 · 19/05/2016 17:24

That's always the way I see it AnyFucker for every man that plays around there is a woman involved normally as well.
Not all men are the same

HelenaDove · 19/05/2016 17:37

Eve thats very hypocritical of him. "Its not you that i dont trust its other men" is a bullshit statement. Because for something like infidelity to happen you would have to consent to it with another bloke so he IS saying he doesnt trust you.

One rule for you and a different one for him

AnyFucker · 19/05/2016 17:41

It just seems obvious to me, Pink. Maybe not to others who just see manhating where there is none.

exLtEveDallas · 19/05/2016 17:42

As much as it bothers me, I will have to defend DH here. He wouldn't go on a holiday himself and then not want me to go on one - he wouldn't go either.

I wouldn't mind if he did - I do trust him not to shag about. But he just wouldn't go.

If he did go on a trip then I would absolutely go on one too - the difference being that he'd sulk, moan and grump about it. But I would still go.

AnyFucker · 19/05/2016 17:51

exLt, your husband is out of order with that stance

massively sexist and actually disrespectful of you

at least he doesn't fuck off on ladz holz himself though....that would be absolutely beyond the pale

AnyFucker · 19/05/2016 17:55

My husband goes on an annual (UK) golf trip. I don't go annually but I did save up a few years worth of brownie points and went to the Med for 5 days with the girlz.

I drew the line at the Eastern European stag do for the son of one of his mates though. Nah, not happening.

exLtEveDallas · 19/05/2016 17:59

Yeah I know AF. We've had our problems, nearly splitting a few years ago but largely worked them out. This is a hangover from those days I think, and all tied in to the 'squaddies on the piss' mentality. I kinda understand his issues, but it does still piss me off.

I think if I ever reached a point where I actually really wanted to go away then I'd fight it and accept the consequences. Right now it's not an issue.

Pisssssedofff · 19/05/2016 18:01

You'll know op if he's been up to no good. He'll either be like a dog with two dicks and you'll have more sex when he gets home than when you first started dating or be desparately distant .... You can just tell

AnyFucker · 19/05/2016 18:03

LtEve, In this situation (not saying you should do this, mind) I would have to accuse him of projection and be putting him on the spot re. what is it about his own behaviour that leads him to the conclusions he has reached.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/05/2016 18:07

I don't see what you have to manage?

Their relationship and her reasonings are really none of your business.

You're over invested.

houseeveryweekend · 19/05/2016 18:12

I wouldnt like it if my OH went on a lads holiday but then i wouldnt go on a girls holiday..... but my uncle and his wife do a separate holiday each. every year and that seems to work very well for them!
I think it depends on the couple. It sounds like you and your DP are luckily on the same page and a good match for each other but unfortunately this other couple arent. I just would try and stay out of it as much as possible, its up to you what youre ok with and what you arent. Its up to her what shes ok with and what she isnt but its just a bit unfortunate that her DP isnt on the same page as her.
Some couples need to spend alot of their free time together and some like to spend time doing individual things. Theres nothing wrong with either its only a problem if the people within the couple dont agree with each other!

ManonLescaut · 19/05/2016 18:21

My husband goes on a yearly surfing holiday. I've been with him when it's somewhere nice (Bali) but I can't ba when they go to Biarritz.

I don't have any of his friends' wives making dark hints though. If they were I'd listen and see what I thought.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/05/2016 18:33

house why wouldn't you like it? Out of curiosity.

Mtcd9 · 19/05/2016 18:59

Mine goes every year for 3 nights. He would go even if I told him I didn't like it.

sassandfaff · 19/05/2016 20:45

I know loads of things about my dp's friends. Like, who has slept with prostitutes, who cheats, who crosses the line with me, and makes me very uncomfortable (but I can't call him on it, as it's just bordering on the right side of friendly)

If I decided to veto a outing (which I have) maybe it's because I know things that other wives don't know. Maybe it's because even though I believe dp hasn't cheated, I'm not naive enough to think he never will.

If there was a cake in front of someone every day, and no cake in front of someone else, surely logic and statistical probability would suggest the person with the temptation of cake, would be more likely.

It's not about trust sometimes, it's about knowing humans are fallible and protecting boundaries for that reason.

Summerwalking16 · 19/05/2016 20:51

Loving the cake analogy!