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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

276 replies

JasmineFlowers · 16/05/2016 22:05

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

OP posts:
BiftasWifta · 16/05/2016 22:07

I would. Many will disagree, but I know I would.

donajimena · 16/05/2016 22:07

I would. But I doubt many would agree with me. I admire your honesty with explaining your reasons.
Would it make you feel better? Because if it honestly would then do what makes YOU feel better.

IamNotDarling · 16/05/2016 22:07

No, never ends well.

Move on.

BarbaraRoberts · 16/05/2016 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteLikely5 · 16/05/2016 22:07

yes I would absolutely tell the dh. Are you certain though that if he kicks her out your own dh wouldn't run off with her?

My only thought is why would you wait so long

Unsurechicken · 16/05/2016 22:08

I would. Youll feel better for it xxx

WhyDoesAny1ReadTheDailyFail · 16/05/2016 22:09

Yeah, I think I probably would too... which doesn't make it a good idea btw!

RavioliOnToast · 16/05/2016 22:09

I would, without a doubt. I fly off the handle too easily and always hold grudges. I would want her to get shit on the way I had been. I would also do it for the opportunity for the dh to leave if he would want to.

magoria · 16/05/2016 22:09

Yes. he deserves to know if his sexual health has been risked and make an informed choice about being in a relationship with a cheat.

TheFloorIsLava · 16/05/2016 22:10

I would, I think her poor DH deserves to know.

Costacoffeeplease · 16/05/2016 22:10

No, don't lower yourself - she didn't make any promises to you - he did

Diddlydokey · 16/05/2016 22:10

I would because I would always want to know. Sorry they were both dicks

AndYourBirdCanSing · 16/05/2016 22:11

Do they have children? If so, the potential impact on them would be the only thing stopping me

TheFloorIsLava · 16/05/2016 22:11

And Flowers for you OP, I think as pp have said it's admirable you are being honest about your reasons if you choose to do so.

OSETmum · 16/05/2016 22:13

Yes I would, rightly or wrongly.

houseeveryweekend · 16/05/2016 22:14

It wont make you feel any better at all and you know its not the right thing to do really. You want to hate her because its an easy way to direct anger that you would be directing at your OH. Im not saying she deserves sympathy or anything but you dont know her and she isnt your concern. Her marriage is obviously a bunch of bollocks weather her partner knows or not. In a sense it will hurt her more if you leave it because when he eventually does find out it will be even worse that she has lied to him for so long. But hurting her shouldnt be your concern really just because thats not healthy for you.
Why are you staying with your OH may i ask? This is all hurt and anger that you need to be discussing with him. If you cant get through it id suggest leaving him and finding happiness elsewhere.. you dont want to live your life in this angry bitter state its not worth it. I know when people hurt you so much you want someone held accountable, you want everyone you feel is responsible to hurt just as much but youd do much better to focus on getting yourself happy rather than hurting anyone. Those people arent worth your pain. xx

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/05/2016 22:15

I wouldn't. Not because I'm high and mighty or I think it's morally wrong, though. Just because I know, eventually, I'd feel bad for blowing up her DHs life. I don't think it'd really make you feel any better in the long run either. Revenge is never sweet for very long.

Your DH was a huge dick. She was too, but not to you - to her husband. Hopefully your DH has learnt his lesson and is doing everything he can go make this up to you if you've chosen to stay with him. The anger towards her will dissipate. She's not really worth the effort, she's just a convenient distraction for your brain, somewhere else to send some of the negative thoughts whilst your head gets over the betrayal.

BarbaraRoberts · 16/05/2016 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/05/2016 22:16

I meant get over in terms of process, of course - it sounds harsher than I intended. It might not be possible to ever fully process it or forgive it, some people just don't, but you can try and the anger your head is directing at her rather than your DH is your minds way of giving you the best chance.

wonkylampshade · 16/05/2016 22:18

I'm afraid I'd tell him as well. Why keep quiet and effectively collude with a cheat who has put his sexual health at risk?

In his shoes I'd rather know the situation I was in than remain in ignorance.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/05/2016 22:20

You won't feel better for it OP. You might think you will but what if OW's husband metaphorically shrugs his shoulders and carries on with his marriage? You will then know that your husband AND her husband valued her enough to disregard and dismiss you from their thoughts.

Even if you get the result you want, that her life is 'firebombed', that's a truly awful thing to purposely do to somebody else. Your only motivation is spite and there's no way that a decent person can feel good about that, no matter the provocation.

You'll do what you want but it sounds as if this is still raw for you and perhaps you're still waiting for a grand gesture from your husband to be plotting this revenge on the OW and her family. Did he end it or did she?

Confucius said, "Seek revenge and dig TWO graves". I think he was right. I've been where you are and I've been the OW also. Your best hope for 'revenge' is a life that you are happy living - with your husband, with your family - knowing that you are intact and moving forward with your lives.

Just my musings really but if you are going to do this, be prepared for living with that realisation afterwards. Some people really value 'moral high ground'. If you do also then this is not a course of action that would uphold that. I know that many posters will disagree but, they're not the ones who have to live with a vengeful act under your belt - you would.

wherearemymarbles · 16/05/2016 22:21

2 wrongs dont make a right and all that but I would. You dont owe her anything author of her own downfall. She might be a serial cheat or he might be but who cares.

danadas · 16/05/2016 22:22

I definitely would which is a usually a pretty good indicator that it is a bad idea....

coconutpie · 16/05/2016 22:23

I would definitely tell him.

Godotsarrived · 16/05/2016 22:23

I would want to concentrate on my own relationship and why it went so far adrift. Throwing a bomb into someone else's world will only punish them. Her DH is innocent, why hurt him. Move past this. You will in the long run, feel better for it.