Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

[JasmineFlowers]

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

Agree with Tabsicle. Are you ready to hear about the intimate details of their dalliances?
Do you think that knowing where and when they made love, where they shared dinner or weekends away would ease your pain?

[houseeveryweekend]

Canyouforgiveher: no i dont think shes the same at all! Its the actions isnt it! If she did seek revenge its the same sort of action as the OW took. I dont think shes a bad person for having these feelings at all! I think anyone would be deeply hurt and think about doing this! But personally i believe it would be wrong. Not because the other woman doesnt deserve it but because the OP knows it is a bad thing to do and would feel out of control and bad for doing it. The consequences could also end up making her feel very bad. She shouldnt feel bad because she is the innocent party. Its more about her and how she is going to end up feeling about herself. I agree with dailymail in saying that she should be focusing on her own happiness and its not going to make her happy to cause pain to others. The OP herself stated that that was her motivation and intention and if thats the case it will not help her and may hurt her more.

[Oddsocksgalore]

I would want to tell him but would worry I would be pushing them together.

Nothing left to lose at that point.

I would probably find out if she worked someone that had an info@email and let him know via that.

I am evil!

[Tryingtosaveup]

I would definitely do it. In fact I would have done it already

[Oddsocksgalore]

Just to add op, I admire your honesty. Make no apologies for how you feel.

[Kidnapped]

I really don't like the 'if you tell the truth about a bad thing then you are just as bad as the people who actually did it' thing.

The OP is not just as bad. She's done nothing wrong.

Sorry OP. As you can see, opinions are split on this. Maybe give yourself a few days to decide. I do agree with some on here that if you are looking for revenge then you won't get it. It won't make you feel better.

If you are looking for honesty and putting the deceit behind you then maybe you could write a letter telling the husband and making it clear in a couple of paragraphs that the affair happened and that you thought he should know but that you won't be engaging in any further communication. Up to him if he believes or not.

And then focus on the future, knowing that everyone involved knows the basic facts at least.

[WannaBe]

Why did the OW get involved with your DH op?

It's very easy to imagine the scenario where some woman seduces a married man without any thought for the consequences to her or his family. How she tells the OW's husband, he is grateful and throws the OW out, and she feels that justice has been done.

But in truth nobody knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. Affairs are always wrong, of course they are. But affairs are also rarely black and white, and there are numerous factors which may lead to someone having an affair. The only circumstances you know are the ones within your own marriage, and you can deal with those because you know your DH, and you know what you're up against.

But what consequences are you prepared for in terms of the OW's DH? Are you prepared for the possibility he may be violent? That you telling him may in fact cause him to physically harm her? Or even to come over and physically harm your DH? In front of your children perhaps? Or that he might in fact tell you that they have an open relationship and he already knew and they'd been having a laugh about it? Or that he knew before you did and they'd been working things through so you're a bit slow on the uptake if you've only just found out?

It's IMO one thing to tell the husband in the heat of discovery. Generally it's a reactive response but it's understandable. However to leave it for three months, at the point where you're rebuilding your own relationship and know nothing about her's it's about spite and nothing more.

You know nothing about her, or him, or their marriage. The only marriage you are in control of is your own. Focus on that, and if you can't, then find a way out of it which doesn't involve needing to destroy the world of someone you know nothing about.

[Mildred007]

I probably would've told him as soon as I found out in the heat of the moment and i would want to punish her.
However, from an outsiders perspective without the emotions you're currently feeling, I would say not to. If you're wanting to rebuild your relationship with your husband, you're probably best off just focusing on yourselves without creating more drama to have to deal with - if you tell her husband it could end up dragging out longer.
For those saying the op should think about how it may affect the ow hubbie - tbf the op didn't do anything wrong so not her responsibility, the ow shouldn't have had the affair in the first place!!
My ex cheated on me & I wanted to report the ow for benefit fraud (working whilst on benefits) but I didn't as was too worried about how it may affect her young son.
Good luck on rebuilding your marriage Jasmine x

[CeliaSeal]

No, I would not. I am on the other side of this situation. My husband had an affair, and the OW's partner took it upon himself to inform me. I do think it is better to know than to remain unaware, but I would have found out anyway. I had never met this man, but he chose to insert himself into my private life. He also went about it in a very public way, contacting me at my workplace. It was humiliating and certainly added to my pain. Some people might say that he acted through good intentions, that he only contacted me because I had the "right" to know. But I don't think his intentions were pure at all (he seemed to want me to suffer, and I am the injured party after all). Nor do I think he had the right to involve himself in my life.

So I would not do to someone else what this man did to me. Absolutely not.

[GlitterGlassEye]

Of course you should tell him. I would've done it before now but then I'm a vengeful bitch. I would honestly hope that someone would tell me about the deceit being played behind my back if shoe was on the other foot.

Fuck the moral high ground. He deserves to know what kind of person he's married to.

[GlitterGlassEye]

BUT I couldn't stay married and forgive him either.

[janaus]

I texted ex OW. She wAs single. It didn't do any good, made me feel slightly better. I was calm and polite. I think a husband should know.
Maybe write out letter, all your thoughts, but don't send it. Helps to get your feelings out. Good luck with your journey, it's a long road, a roller coaster of emotions.

[Canyouforgiveher]

but because the OP knows it is a bad thing to do and would feel out of control and bad for doing it.

But why is it bad? Why is it as bad as having an affair. It isn't. It mightn't be the OP's finest moment but it certainly isn't up there with having sex with a married man while married.

Of course it is somewhat bad for the OP to tell out of vengeance/desire to inflict hurt. Although there is an upside - the husband will be in full possession of the facts.

I think some people are expecting a lot from the OP - they either want her to ditch her husband or if she doesn't then all she is entitled to is to suck it up and maintain a dignified silence. Why should she do either?

honestly - I would ditch him if he were mine. I would also be tempted to tell the other spouse but probably wouldnt because I wouldn't want to deal with the drama and wouldn't care enough - all I would care about was my own lying cheating spouse.

But just because I would do these things doesn't mean I would judge a woman who kept going with the marriage, still felt angry, and decided not to remain silent about something her husband and the other wife had done. I certainly wouldn't think this woman had done anything bad.

[Mildred007]

If op wasn't staying with her husband I would say do it but am thinking self preservation here - get your own marriage sorted and leave her to it. Although i'd probably do it in rage and suffer the consequences after 😯 am thinking rationally as not in your situation op x

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I would tell her husband, yes. The OW has damaged her marriage and her husband will have no idea, that is so wrong.

But then I am somebody who would always want to know. I really don't understand why anyone would NOT want to know if they've been cheated on, especially in a marriage? That other people knew but didn't tell you? I think her husband must feel something, but be unable to pinpoint where his discomfort comes from.

[iPost]

I wish my late father's OW had just randomly walked up to us in the street and punched us all hard in the face.

Not least because it would have hurt less and had fewer long term implications. But also becuase then people wouldn't pull faces at the concept that I was, and more than 30 years later still am, incredibly angry with her. With pleanty of residual ill feeling and contempt left over, despite the passage of time. Vows, or no vows, I hold her responsible for her choices that she was well aware would have a painful and negative impact on other people, even if she had never met them.

But I am glad her husband knew before we did.

Becuase at 16 I would have had no hesitation in building a case of moral justification for telling him, and had few inhibitions about him becoming the collateral damage of my return fire.

We lost so much. The harm caused was long term, unfixable and has left an enduring sadness. I can't even mourn my father without it becoming so horrendously complicated and tangled up that it just becomes easier to pretend he hasn't died.

That's enough to be going on with. I think all the regret, the pain, the loss and "if onlies" would be harder still if I were left with residual guilt due to a strong suspicion I might have used another of their innocent victims as pawn in a game of pay back.

The person who tells him really needs to be somebody who has solely his best interest at heart. He hasn't been afforded any humanity, sympathy ,or consideration from his wife, or your husband. At this juncture, given the potential fall out, the very least he deserves is knowing, once the dust has settled, that when somebody handed him the equivalent of life letter bomb, they were doing it becuase their motivation was all about how much he mattered, counted and deserved better. He needs to matter enough to be told without an underlying agenda, rendering him once again a very much secondary consideration.



32 years on and I recognise the pain behind your words like it happened yesterday.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. If there were any way I could point to a release so it hurt less, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I don't think this plan, how ever understandable, will give you any respite. And in the longer term may lead to one of those hot flushes of shame, when you suspect you essentially threw another human being under the bus for the sake of the "take that you motherfuckers" feeling you got from it.

You aren't your husband. You aren't the other woman. The throwing of another human being under the bus for the sake of what felt good at the time is their hallmark. I think it is a distinction they deserve to keep all for themselves.

another love.

I'm so sorry you are going through this ringer. I wish the club for people knocked for six by other people's affairs was one that would shrink, rather than keep on getting bigger.

[LieselMeminger]

I would want to tell him, and absolutely would if I was ending my marriage, but if I'd chosen to forgive then I wouldn't.

I know a lot of people think she deserves everything she has coming for wrecking your marriage, but the reverse is also true, it's highly likely her husband will have all these angry thoughts of revenge and want your husband to hurt, because if she's equally responsible for your marriage breaking down then your pain then your dh is equally responsible for her dhs pain.
He can't spill the beans to get his payback because you already know, you've been hurt enough but wondering if the husband is gonna do something for his payback, which will also impact on you, I'd be on edge all the time ( esp if Children are involved) and it would stop me moving on from it.

Not telling him might be what helps you get over it quicker and you won't be worrying about what her husband may do, telling him could add more pressure to your marriage.

[poorpaws]

I did. I rang her DH and told him. This was many years ago and there were no children on either side. Turned out it wasn't her first affair, he'd already forgiven her twice before. I was glad he knew the truth. No idea how their relationship went but mine ended in divorce many years later.

I feel for you OP I genuinely do.

[crazydil]

Definitely tell him

[SandyY2K]

Too many people like to bury their heads in the sand.

I've heard many OW spin the line of having a violent hubby...so please don't tell. If you have a violent husband.. then you're very foolish to have an affair.

And tell me why the OW should not have her infidelity revealed and her family intact when she didn't give a damn about the OP and her family.

If you're woman enough to sleep with a married man... then be woman enough to face the consequences.

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Why is it the OPs problem if their marriage falls apart.....when the OW didn't think of her own family.

[poorpaws]

Just to add I never regretted my actions. Her DH did say he was going to "get" my DH, most likely beating him up and this frightened me so I begged him not to as I was innocent in this and it would upset me and he agreed to never contact my then DH (I shouldn't have stopped him 😡).

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

The OW's DH most probably knows the truth already.
Don't cause further pain to yourself and others.
If you are weak enough to take him back ,you must live with the consequences.

[Beepbopboop]

Tell him. He deserves to know. His life is a lie basically.
Then put them both out of your thoughts and focus on only your husband.