Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

[JasmineFlowers]

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

[MistressDeeCee]

I would. & I wouldn't give a damn what anyone else thinks about that. Its as if there's no fall-out for her to deal with, in the way that there is for you. She gets to go cosily back to her marriage as if nothing happened, whilst you are left in pain and anger. Fuck the moral high ground who cares, that letter would have to go off. Mind you, if you are umming and aahing its probably best to wait a few days see how you feel then, you may change your mind. Then there's the fact you've stayed with your DH, how would your ongoing actions impact on your relationship, do you think

Id feel sorry for her DH I suppose but he is living with a nasty cheat who has disrupted other people's lives - as are you. Cheats getting off scot-free isn't right.

[Eekaman]

I'm completely with NeverBuyDailyMail.

Destroying the OW's family and marriage is totally unnecessary and contrary to what OP is doing herself. Who knows, maybe the shock of the OW being caught has jolted her back into putting her marriage back into line.

OP, two wrongs do not make a right. Leave it, move on with your life. either forgive hubby or don't, it's your choice. But if you are forgiving and moving on, why are you still picking at this decision? Will you still be picking at things in another month, another year? If you are going to do that, then you haven't forgiven or moved on at all...

[Canyouforgiveher]

Leave it, move on with your life. either forgive hubby or don't, it's your choice. But if you are forgiving and moving on, why are you still picking at this decision

So the Op has two choices. Leave and do what she wants with the other woman or stay and try to save her marriage but leave the other woman's life alone. Where is this set down in the rules of moral conduct?

The OP can decide to save her marriage (good luck to her-I wouldn't give long odds on it myself) AND want the other woman's life to be disrupted in the same way her's was.

Is there an rule book I haven't read about marital infidelity? That if you decide to try to keep your marriage going you can't tell the truth about what happened?

I am amazed at the level of tolerance that is being expected from the OP. OF COURSE she is going to be picking at this decision in another month and yes maybe even another year. her husband screwed another woman. you don't just say "I forgive you" and go back to watching the tv. this is an on-going, painful process - if it even works.

[DadWasHere]

Not your circus, not your clowns. You have no idea of the amount of drama that can come from yelling 'Fire!' in someone else's tent. Could be nothing, could be the clowns are now out of a job and go looking for the last circus they played in, yours. Could be the ringmaster is an ass-hat and will beat the living crap out of the clowns for setting the fire. Could be their ringmaster blames your clowns for his fire. Much potential bad juju.

[Isetan]

No, I wouldn't tell her H but I would tell her that I could any time I chose.

[SelfLoathing]

I have been an OW and my advice would be not to for lots of reasons

• generally the OW is massively emotionally invested which in turn means (whether they are married or not) they really have nothing to lose. In base terms you are provoking a seriously emotionally volatiile psycho. Bad idea. I have been there - I'm not suggesting all OW be cast as bunny boilers - Just that you are dealing with (most likely) a very upset and emotional woman who is probably seriously in love in her mind who thought she was in a true love relationship. Peoplei in that state dont act rationally.
  

• her DH may ( and probably does) know already so he wont thank you and will regard you as an nterferring busy body. he may turn against you.
  

• in plenty of cases the OW really won't care ( not my position I have to say ) but many unfaithful people are just focussed on the great sex and not thinking beyond the end of their nose.
  

Posted after reading first page only so apologies for not RTFT

[IrishDad79]

A lot of disingenuous, self-righteous nonsense about the ow's husband "has a right to know"........yeah right, as if that's the main motivating factor.

[MyCatWasRightAboutYou]

I admire your honestly, and I think in your shoes I'd contemplate doing the same. But I do think it's a bad idea. Your anger is totally justified, but I think it might be somewhat misdirected. It seems like you're still angry at your DH and are using the OW as a way to release that.(Not that she's blameless-she's just as culpable.) Telling her husband could also negatively impact him and the rest of the family. It's not only her that you'd be hurting.
If you're intending to stay with your DH, you both need to work on fully putting this behind you. Maybe relationship counselling would help?

I'm sorry that you're going through this

[DelphiBlue]

This paints me in a very bad light but here it goes... When I was younger (think teens into very early 20s) I was the 'OW' a few times. I slept with men that had girlfriends basically. A few times they'd be found out, their girlfriends would stay with them but try their hardest to come after me. I was single at the time but I have to say I looked on them as pathetic for staying with the person that had really done them wrong but holding feelings against me.

I'm absolutely disgusted with myself for the things I did, and have of course grown up but just wanted to give a bit of insight.

In your situation I would go nuclear, and would definitely want everyone to know. But I wouldn't stay with my DP either and I think that part is actually quite important.

[RaarSaidTheLion]

Yes.

[Tram10]

I would want to tell him for sure, but like you, I know I would be torn about doing it though !

If you and your OH are trying to recover your relationship, it may be best to just let sleeping dogs lay and not say anything. However I don't know if I could, it would eat away at me knowing she had just dusted herself off and moved on as though nothing had happened. It may be cathartic for you to tell him and may even help you move forward too.

[crusoe16]

God I wouldn't. You have no idea what else is going on his life. What if he can't take that news? Do they have children? Their life will inevitably be affected too if they do.

[twinsagain77]

Yes I would, they never once thought about your feelings or how much you would hurt....so yes I would tell (although I really feel for her husband ) he deserves to know, and the other women deserves to square.

[twinsagain77]

squarm

[GreenRug]

I agree with pps, why cause a drama when presumably you've got your dh still sharing your bed each night? Based on you saying you would only be doing this to cause pain, I think you are misplacing your anger at yourself for not leaving your dh.

I had a cheating dh and stayed with him for many many years through many many women, so I'm not being all high and mighty here.

[BitOutOfPractice]

If you think it will give you satisfaction and pleasure you're wrong. It won't.

[TheWindowDonkey]

I would disagree with people who say it's not morally right to disclose this. To me it ismorally wrong to have this knowledge and not share it. He has been exposed to sexual health issues and is living a lie. How can there be a moral defense for saying nothing?

I'd tell him, because I'd want to know were I in his shoes.

[CoolforKittyCats]

No I wouldn't. It could very well backfire on you.

My friend did tell the DH of the OW when her 'D'H was had an affair.

Let's just say it completely backfired and didn't end at all well.

[NarpIsNotACunt]

I think it is totally fine and reasonable to be angry with her

I might want to get back at her

But ultimately, you know what your reasons are, and they aren't (however much you post-rationalise it) to help there husband

Knowing that, and knowing you aren't doing it for noble reasons, means you'd live with not being on the moral high ground. And that is a self-destructive thing to do to yourself

[fastdaytears]

I'm not sure this will make you feel better. But you know that better that I do.

What I'd be really careful about though is being sure that they aren't still in contact, or that the "firebomb" won't end up putting your DH and OW back together. It happens a lot as alluded to above. It will give the OW quite a lot of ammunition about how crazy you are.

[LellyMcKelly]

I wouldn't. You don't know the family situation. You don't know if they have children, or what would happen to them if the marriage broke up. You don't know that she hasn't already told him. You only want to do this because you are angry and upset, but it's her responsibility to tell him, not yours.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I would, it might not be the first time.

If nothing else he needs an sti check.

[DrMorbius]

I honestly don't know why people post these moral dilemmas questions on here. The responses are always going to be 60-40/50-50. There is no "right" answer.

I agree with those who have put your anger is misplaced, OW owes you nothing. To her she may have done the equivalent of nicking your car parking space.

My only advice on these questions is "are you truly prepared for the consequences of your actions (if you tell)? You don't know what will happen. The OW's DH may see your DH as taking advantage of his DW and go to war against your DH, you or your family. Alternatively he may get violent towards his DW. Are you prepared for all of this?

[SleeplessRageMonster]

If you knew him, if he was your friend, I'd say yes tell him.

[s88]

I would 100 %

But that's because I'd want to know if it happened to myself .