Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

[JasmineFlowers]

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

[IrianofWay]

"She's also almost certainly on edge constantly, wondering if OP will contact her DH and tell him. That does doesn't sound to me like an enviable position in any respect."

Well exactly. That was in my mind when I didn't tell OW's H. We met a few times accidentally after dday and she always looked totally terrified and scuttled off in the other direction. It actually made me feel sorry for her ....but not very much (I was also bricking it!) In the end she apologised to me - about 2.5 years after dday. Which was pointless as I was indifferent to her at that point.

IF the OP told the H it should be done only because he needed to know.

[iPost]

notonyurjellybellynelly

I wish it wasn't familiar. But talking to people over the years, unfortunately it seems that even those of us who grew up, but did not feature in the "poorer outcome" category, can carry the can for two adults' egocentric behaviours for the long haul.

People who are saying no have obviously never been cheated on. Poor guy deserves to know

Obviously... despite them saying in their posts they have experience of just that.

A shared similar event does not turn people into carbon copies of each other, with a hive mind. There will always be a spectrum of experiences, opinions and beliefs.

I posted from the persepctive of a daughter. Becuase that is the experience which resonates with me even today. Particularly so since the recent death of my father. But my first husband cheated on me, so I know how it feels from the perspective of a spouse. Changes nothing in terms of my thought process and final conclusion.

He may, or may not decide that knowing was better in the final summing up. Some people do, some people don't, some aren't sure, perspectives can change as the years pass. But if he is told, one thing that can avoid the telling becoming yet another sore spot that is hard to heal, is him knowing that that he was told by somebody whose entire motivation was care and concern for him. Rather than the telling smelling strongly of him once again being somebody else's acceptable collateral damage.

The person who told my mum put herself in an untenable position in the workplace when she did so. I can't tell you if it would have been better not to know. I suspect things may have turned out very differently if the affair had had the chance to bubble, sparkle, then fizzle out. But without the benefit of an alternate universe to measure against the one I live in, we'll never know for sure.


We'll never know if her belief and action was an avoidable event that exploded into a life shock, fracturing my family so badly that the only surviving relationship is that between myself and my sister.

We'll never know if her making a different choice would have let us escape mostly unscathed from my father's feet of clay.

But I do know she told us becuase she cared about us. Genuinely. She stuck her own head on the chopping block to do what she thought was right. Both then, and now, that aspect matters a lot to me.

Having lost so much, I think I'd cope less well with the event that directly led to the cutting of the family's carotid if it had been an act of personal agenda, with us perceived as mere bit players in somebody else's personal drama. I need another sore, "hard to properly heal" spot in this like I need nine holes in my head.

The whole experience, short, medium and long term, has been very coloured by how much people didn't give a fuck who they hurt as long as they got to make a priority of their wants. The motivation of the person who told my mother exists as a rather solitary bright spot of us actually, genuinely, mattering to somebody.

Maybe if she had made a different choice I wouldn't be struggling with how to grieve for a father who compounded a stumble with a spectacular free fall from grace once the cat was out of the bag. Maybe I'd still have a mother and a brother in my life.

Those are large question marks to have. I'm grateful that in that context I have no doubt that she did what she thought was the right thing by us, and we were her priority.

It is no small thing. Not then. Not now.

[Goingtobeawesome]

BarbaraRoberts - your post came up on TIO and I thought you were telling me off for doing it. Sorry. I'm wanting to speak and join in the thread but don't want to post as then it's real.

I'm so sorry you know how I feel 💐💐

[MatrixReloaded]

I'm really quite baffled by the idea that a betrayed spouse shouldn't tell the other spouse. A popular saying on here is that the ow owes you nothing. I don't agree with that , but even if I did then surely it works both ways. Why support the affair by staying silent ?

There's many practical reasons to inform the other spouse. Too many affairs reignite years later , or they simply go underground. A man who is having an affair can make a divorce very unpleasant. I personally didn't want ow enjoying half my savings or being step mum to my kids.

[Sallystyle]

No way would I do it.

You have decided to forgive him and work on moving on.

There are many people believe it or not who would rather not know if they have been cheated on. Some people would rather bury their heads in the sand so they don't have to do anything about it and split up their family if they have children. It's not a position I hold but unless I know the person and their views I wouldn't say anything.

Just because other posters would want to know doesn't mean this man would want to know. I don't feel it is my place to decide if he should know or not, that's between him and his wife now.

Are you willing for your husband to get a ton of shit when the man finds out OP? He might turn violent, is that something you want to risk? Do you want more drama on your doorstep when you are trying to work on your marriage? If I decided to work on my marriage and forgive him then that would be my main focus, I wouldn't want more drama added to the awful mix.

Either work on your marriage or leave him. But three months after is all about revenge, and as tempting as that is it does not stand to benefit you and their marriage is their problem.

[dontknowwhatcomesnext]

I don't feel it is my place to decide if he should know or not, that's between him and his wife now.

U2, can you not see that either way, OP is making this decision? If OP decides not to tell, she is also deciding whether he should know or not.

That's why I always say in this situation that any of us can only make the decision from a place of kindness and in essence playing the odds. I happen to believe (strongly) that more people would want to know than not, so I would proceed on that basis. Others may think more people would prefer not to know. And of course we are all influenced by our experiences. In my case, I have never (really) met a cheated upon person who would rather not have known, and in fact to a person would rather have known sooner than later. Of course others exist, but in my experience it is many multiples fewer than those who would prefer to know.

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

iPost You said what I tried to say earlier in the thread much more eloquently. I am so sorry for what you went and are continuing to go through. Your post was written from such a personal place it really moved me.

[Goldenhandshake]

My mum told the OW husband, who happened to be in business with my dad.

He was grateful to be told, who really wants to live in ignorance when they have been so callously disrespected.

If you do decide to tell him, try to ensure your anger at them does not get taken out on him, don't be spiteful as a result of your hurt feelings, you need to be sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

[Sallystyle]

U2, can you not see that either way, OP is making this decision? If OP decides not to tell, she is also deciding whether he should know or not.

I can see your point, yes. However, it's the OW who is really deciding isn't it? OW is the one keeping a secret from her husband and deciding whether or not he should know. The OP would simply be keeping out of their marriage and concentrating on her own. She doesn't know the husband, she owes him nothing, that's all on his wife.

OW and her husband's marriage isn't the OP's concern and she has enough to deal with in her own marriage without complicating it by getting involved in someone else's.

Why does the OP want to tell him? Lets face it, it's not because she wants to do what is right for the husband, lets not wrap it up in a pretty bow. She is angry and hurt and wants the OW to have more consequences for her behaviour. That is understandable and perfectly normal.

I don't give two shits about the OW, but I do care about a woman who has been deeply hurt potentially bringing more hurt upon herself and her doorstep if it all blows up if she tells. Will it help the OP to know that the man is hurting like she is? It might feel good to start with that OW hasn't walked away with no consequences to her own marriage but it would probably be bitter sweet and I don't believe her intentions are honourable, it's revenge and it is not in her best interest or her marriage's best interests.

She has to live with the consequences and it's too simple to say 'he should know' the fallout could be huge and the OP has to live with that.

[AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs]

Yeah i'd tell him.
in fact, i would have told him already.

[grannytomine]

The OW told me she had been seeing my husband, revenge when he finished the relationship. I don't think it was a positive thing for me and anyway her motive for doing it wasn't out of care for me, she wanted him back and was hoping I would throw him out. She told all sorts of lies including saying she was pregnant when she wasn't.

[Pollyputhtekettleon]

I would too. Too many people are complicit in affairs by keeping their mouth shut. He deserves to know. I would want to know.

[zznotxy]

Isn't there a proverb, if you embark on revenge, dig two graves. It is so very tricky, I have been the unknowing numpty, when people we socialised with knew. In a scenario where you don't know OW or her DH I think the dynamic changes. I'd leave it, she might have told him and are working, like you are, on fixing it.

[Goingtobeawesome]

BarbaraRoberts - one real life friend, one mumsnet friend and my MIL. That's it. And that's three more than I planned.

[Ceeceeindubai]

So what did you do Jasmine??

[Whisky2014]

Dutch - instead of texting her I'd message her husband on fb.

[Whisky2014]

Oh and fwiw I did do this but none of us were married. I had a long term partner who was still in contact with his ex. He lied about seeing her. I saw hundreds and hundreds of txts, he went to see her etc. So I found her bf on Facebook and just said they were in contact and they were cheating. He thanked me. They broke up and so did we. But I'm much much much happier now with a perfect guy and I'm sure all of them are too.

[Choceeclair123]

I would because if it happened to me I would want someone to tell me.

[Goingtobeawesome]

BR - my initial decision was no one was going to know but she made numerous threats so I had to tell my MIL and I'd told my RL friend as was going out of my mind.

[ConkersDontScareSpiders]

I would tell him. I wish I had been told before I found out. It would have saved me 18 months of being mugged off in the worst possible way, and I was also quite close to signing a highly unfavourable financial agreement-which would have screwed me over big style.Thankfully I found out before I did that. I find it hard to look at the person who could have told me but didn't now...but if I had signed my life away as I had been about to then those feelings would be multiplied ten fold.

[unmumsyma]

I would tell him everything.. And provide proof so she can't get out of it. Maybe I'm just petty but the slapper deserves it