Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

[JasmineFlowers]

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

Ask yourself why? Why do want to tell him is it because you want to hurt/punish her? You don't know him he's not your friend focus on yourself and your dh.

I was in the exact same position and I could have easily told ow'd husband. I toyed with and sometimes I was so close to doing it. I resisted because I didn't want her child and husband to go through what we were and to bring more heartbreak and pain. If I am honest I also liked the (a little bit) that I had some control. I could have destroyed her life and very publicly embarrassed her they held very public roles in the local area I did daydream often about some huge dynasty style reveal wearing a huge hat making the announcement then turning on my heels and disappearing.

Four years on I am glad I never told him. It would have brought more drama and I can hold my head up and say I was never petty or vindictive (as much as I wanted to and thought about it) DH and I figured things out are a very happy. OW and her dh however divorced a year later I have no idea if he ever found out but in the end it didn't matter.

I'd want to know. I'd want to know all the facts about the relationship that I was in.

I genuinely don't see that telling the truth is an awful thing to do. I think shagging someone else while you are married is an awful thing to do.

I probably would. Which doesn't make it the right thing to do!
And if I didn't, I'd probably use it as a threat, for years.

Sorry you're in this position, OP.

I don't think you should, it won't end well & the repercussions will be on everyone. This is making the can of worms a whole lot bigger.

That's the logical part. In all honestly, I'd ignore my own advice & I'd be telling the husband.

Yes, I'd also much rather believe that someone would tell me.

The way I see it is that if my dh did that to me I'd want to know. If it were the other wronged party to tell me so be it.

So I would.

I'm with you, LyinWitch
Increasing the radius of pain further than it has already gone is going to help no one.

No I wouldn't but I wouldn't stay with my cheating husband either. I would wash my hands of the nasty pair and do my best to move on and never have to deal with them any more than I had too - I speak as someone who was cheated on massively in my marriage and in the end this is what I did and I am glad of it.

I would. You don't owe her any favours, and there's the added bonus of giving the poor sod the information he needs to make an informed decision about his life.

I don't buy into the 'rise above it' nonsense. You can concentrate on your own relationship, move on, yadda yadda, AFTER you've meted out a bit of payback.

Do you think she agonised this much about fucking your husband?

I too would tell him:

Revenge
Sheer pissiness
He has the right to know and to safeguard his own sexual health
I would want to know if I were in his position
I have absolutely no need/moral imperative to protect her from the fallout from her own actions

I couldn't give a monkey's about moral high ground, radii of pain etc.

I would because in his shoes I'd want to know

Well I wouldn't (and didn't - I did have the address).

It is ok to despise this nasty woman because as you rightly point out, she was complicit and partially responsible for the pain caused to you.

But it will not benefit you in any way in the long term. It may give you a few minutes of satisfaction but that's really all.

Unless you know the husband, I'd leave it.

He deserves to know.

I genuinely don't see that telling the truth is an awful thing to do. I think shagging someone else while you are married is an awful thing to do. this

Everyone keeps saying you're saving the husband from pain. But the man is already in pain, he just doesn't know it. He's living a lie.

To be fair, I do think he should know, and I'd want to know if I was him. I don't think I'd want you to tell me though.

I would be very careful.

You don't know this man, you don't know the state of his physical or mental health, you don't know the state of their relationship and their lives in general, you don't have the first clue how he's likely to react.

Your 'firebomb' could be more explosive than you ever imagined and could affect you and your family more than it already has.

I'd tell HER to tell him... before I did.

I wouldn't do it because of revenge, pissiness or anything of that ilk.

Just that I think people should know the truth. And I think it is pretty twisted to tell an innocent party who has already been screwed over that it is actually THEIR responsibility to shield others from the pain of knowing what two other people actually did.

Erm, no.

I'd tell him.

OP you make no mention of the feelings of OW husband.

I can completely understand the desire to tell him. But. You took your OH back. You "forgave". And now you want the OW's husband to potentially kick her out, so she ends up the worst - off party.

She didn't cheat on you. Your DH did.. She cheated on her own husband and has to live with that.

I'd want to tell her DH too. I really really would. But it's completely misplaced anger.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP.

Never mind would, I did! Well worth it, she deserved all the fallout age got the slut.

She, not age.

Yes I would. I'd hate to find out later on that people knew my dh had had an affair and didn't tell me.

I would want to know, on that basis I say tell him.