Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

[JasmineFlowers]

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

[Jayrose]

How do you know that she hasn't already told him? Maybe they are now working on their marriage too.

[Canyouforgiveher]

So YOUR DH had an affair and you are staying with HIM and presumably forgiving HIM because you think your marriage is worth saving but you want the person who wasn't married to you to be punished by having her marriage break down.

Do they have children? If so - do you think that their children deserve the fall out from this. You are condoning his behaviour, while punishing her. Makes no sense to me.

I think maybe if your still this angry - it's maybe being misdirected!

I agree that the OP's anger may be misdirected and soldiering on with her marriage may not be working out all that well.

But let's face it. Any fall out the children face and any marital breakdown that happens is because of the OW's decisions - not the OPs. At least then the OW's husband will have the same choice as the OP - to decide or not to continue in the marriage in full possession of the facts. Right now as far as we are aware he is living in a fool's paradise. If she tells and their marriage breaks up it won't be because the OP told. It will be because the woman had sex with another man.

If it would really make you feel better to know that her family has been split, when you are happy to continue to be married to the scumbag who cheated on you, then i'm not sure that you are any better than her.

Really! Someone who wants to tell a man that his wife cheated on him with your husband is just as bad as the woman who had sex with a husband not her own. In what world is that real?

[AdoraBell]

I would want To tell him but I would take pride in not directly telling him. I would, however, make no secret of the ñame of the OW, as in

"oh, yes, the rat cheated with X, we are working through things now and he has promised it's over with X"

And if it comes back that he's heard play inocente as in - Well, yes, surely he already know that his wife was shagging my husband, no?

[TheHobbitMum]

I absolutely would too, I'd want (and would if I could) make her life a living hell too. I wouldn't be graceful and taking a higher moral ground lol Probably not the beat thing to do but in my mind why should she escape the repercussions?

[WriteforFun1]

Nana, you like her style? She hasn't mentioned the impact on the husband once.

[Kidnapped]

It's probably the worst of the fall-out from affairs really.

You get kicked in the teeth and then get told that it is your responsibility to protect the people who did you wrong.

And while you protect the people who did you wrong, there is absolutely nobody protecting you.

That's a huge unfair burden.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

I absolutely would because I'd be fuming if the situation was in reverse and my dh had had an affair and the ow husband knew and I hadn't been made aware. I'd want to know so I could make decisions about what I want to do. I'd hate to be left in the dark.

[SlapACatFuckADuck]

I would and have, however it was my twat of a 'mother' and the man she's still having had an affair with, but was continuously hurting my family, and asking me to hide it whilst destroying our lives. Didn't feel any guilt what so ever. He's living a lie and so is she

Do it. She deserves to pay for what she's done and he deserves to know.

[AdoraBell]

^^ that would be if I were in your shoes OP

If my DH cheated he would be out in his arse and in-laws/friends would know why.

[YoureSoSlyButSoAmI]

Absolutely I'd tell him.

He deserves to know. Doesn't matter what your motives are; he deserves to know anyway!!

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

Really! Someone who wants to tell a man that his wife cheated on him with your husband is just as bad as the woman who had sex with a husband not her own. In what world is that real?

Someone who is happy to stay with her cheating husband while trying to destroy the marriage of the person who owed her nothing and potentially ruin a lot of lives by doing so is pretty low. She has admitted she is not doing it for altruistic reasons but just to cause devastation. So yeah - low.

[Inertia]

I think the husband deserves to know that he's been cheated on, and that he needs to get his sexual health checked out. Don't expect him to believe you though.

[BoatyMcBoat]

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you,

I would want someone to tell me. At least in theory. I suspect that I would end up not telling if I were in your position, though. I'm a wimp.

[houseeveryweekend]

'Really! Someone who wants to tell a man that his wife cheated on him with your husband is just as bad as the woman who had sex with a husband not her own. In what world is that real?'

Thats not what dailymail said. Its that if she lowers herself to be vindictive and actively destroy someones marriage just because shes in pain and wants someone else to be, then that is bad in the same way as what the OW did.
And i agree that it probably wont leave the OP feeling good about herself.

[DrE678]

I'd do it, it's doing him a favour. I'd want to know if my DH had been playing away and would be grateful to be told.

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

Well in your position, as someone who has chosen to give your cheating husband a reprieve I wouldn't.
I understand your being so devastated by his affair and I guess you have your reasons for taking him back.
If you tell the OW's DH, it would only serve to stir up more emotions and most likely drive a wedge between you and your DH. There is a very strong possibility it would send him back into her arms.
I think it would be counterproductive.
If..on the other hand you had told your DH to sling his hook, I would be on the blower to her DH pronto.

[Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp]

So don't tell him incase it makes cheating husband and cheating wife affair rekindle

Is just me or is that bollocks logic!

[Betty162]

Yep, I'd tell him. Why should her life continue as it was before, she'll probably go on to wreck another marriage thinking she can and will get away with it.

[BirthdayBetty]

I would.

[TheCraicDealer]

Where's everyone getting the idea that the OW has got off Scot free? This woman has ultimately been rejected for the OP. She's going through a break up with someone she probably does actually care about (because few people would risk a marriage for someone they had lukewarm feelings for) and has to plaster a smile on and pretend to her partner and likely kids that everything is grand. She's also almost certainly on edge constantly, wondering if OP will contact her DH and tell him. That does doesn't sound to me like an enviable position in any respect.

[SandyY2K]

PLEASE do not let anyone try and make you out to be a bad person for telling her H. If they are swingers or if he already knows then it doesn't matter. He can hear it again. No harm no foul.

It also doesn't matter that you are reconciling with your husband. A remorseful spouse will support your decision to do this.

OP .... I'm going to PM you with some info.

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

I wouldn't tell him . The fallout could have devastating affects on the children and the DH, who although like you OP are innocent ,don't deserve to be punished for something they had no hand in.
I would by all means phone or email the OW and tell her exactly how you feel.

[Tabsicle]

I don't think you have any obligation to keep the affair a secret, but do think through what you actually want and think will get out of this.

How will you feel if her husband says "I know already - please leave us alone?" Or if reopening communcation opens a huge can of worms? From the OW's PoV this is absolutely going to be seen as you picking a fight with her and she may well respond, probably by releasing a lot of personal details about your DH and their affair which place as much blame on him as possible - you may find out a lot of things you didn't want to know.

Or how will you feel if their relationship breaks down and her DH or EX's blame your DH (as they are totally entitled to do) and all that anger erupts into your family as you are trying to rebuild it? I know of one case where the OW's husband turned up at the DH's work and punched him. Obviously, the latter probably won't happen but the point I'm making is that you have no idea what will happen and it is perfectly possible that whatever pain and anger and drama and misery that you unleash will bounce straight back on you and your family. And if you're not prepared for that you might be better off letting it go.

[iminshock]

No. Don't do it.

[Canyouforgiveher]

If it would really make you feel better to know that her family has been split, when you are happy to continue to be married to the scumbag who cheated on you, then i'm not sure that you are any better than her.

This is what Dailymail said. To me this says the OP is no better than the other woman.

Thats not what dailymail said. Its that if she lowers herself to be vindictive and actively destroy someones marriage just because shes in pain and wants someone else to be, then that is bad in the same way as what the OW did.

Again. If you think a woman who is hurt, shocked, devastated by her husband's betrayal, desperately thinking she might repair her marriage somehow and also thinks she'd like the OW's family to have to deal with the same shit since in fact they are dealing with the same shit - is the same as a married woman who has an affair with a married man -well your priorities and values are not mine.