Should I inform OW's husband of the affair she had with my DH?

[JasmineFlowers]

DH had an affair. It is over now, and we are three months on.

DH is the main object of my blame and anger - and trust me, he's been feeling this - but I am also furious with the OW . I know there's a school of thought that says that it was DH who made me promises and broke them, and she owed me nothing, but I disagree. She was complicit in doing something terrible to me, I think it's ok to despise her for it.

Anyway, I have her address. Would you write and tell her husband what she did? in all honesty, it isn't for noble reasons, because I think he deserves to know; it's because I want to firebomb her life the way mine has been. I want her to deal with the fall-out of the affair too. I'm not proud of this, but I don't see the point in deluding myself.

I'm aware that there might be repercussions for DH, but frankly I don't care. He'll have to suck up the consequences of his actions, won;t he?

However, I know that I'm not in the most rational state of mind, so what are your thoughts? Should I keep this just as a revenge fantasy, or should I go ahead and actually write the letter?

[IWILLgiveupsugar]

The moral high grind is overrated imo.

If you want to do it then do it. You owe her the same level of consideration that she gave you - none! In all honesty, whatever your motives, I think her h has a right to know .

That said, when this happened to me I was very tempted to post her texts to my h on her fb wall - stupid bitch had completely open settings. Then I saw her kid's graduation pics and I decided that he didn't need to know what a skank his mother was, so I didn't do it. In the end I realised that this had happened because my husband had allowed it - it really was all on him.

[ParadiseCity]

Sorry OP. What a shit your husband is. I'd tell the other husband. If I was married to a cheater I'd want to know.

[TangledUpInGin]

Yes, I did. He deserved to know.

[houseeveryweekend]

'You don't know this man, you don't know the state of his physical or mental health, you don't know the state of their relationship and their lives in general, you don't have the first clue how he's likely to react.

Your 'firebomb' could be more explosive than you ever imagined and could affect you and your family more than it already has.'

Very good point. You have no idea what effect it could have and it could go very dark. You dont want to feel any guilt over any of this why should you! You are the decent person.

[BestZebbie]

Tell him.

I also don't understand this whole "telling him would be all on you" stuff - if your house was burgled and the burglar was caught and you pressed charges to have them prosecuted, nobody would be wringing their hands and saying that this was an aggressive move on your part or that the police would "have it on their consciences" if the burglar then ended up in prison...
If the whole "fun" of an affair supposed to be the "thrill" of avoiding getting caught, then everyone involved is going into it expecting bad stuff to happen to them if they do get caught and accepting that risk - why would it ever be in your interest to effectively say "oh, what you did was OK after all, no consequences to your actions are necessary".

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

No, it's OW's responsibility to tell her husband, not OPs. OP's husband is responsible for OP's hurt and feelings and ongoing wellbeing since OP has decided to stay with him. OW doesn't need to 'make up' for that decision and the fact that there's spite behind this shows that this is still very raw and it's only been 3 months. OP wants to do this purely out of spite which is not a good reason to do anything.

It would be better for OP to concentrate on her own marriage and what she wants to do in terms of that rather than interfere in and outwardly try to destroy somebody else's.

[BennyTheBall]

No way. Maybe he knows already, and even if he doesn't, you shouldn't lower yourself out of petty revenge.

[myshinynewusername]

I think OW's husband has a right to know that he needs to get a STI test.

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

So YOUR DH had an affair and you are staying with HIM and presumably forgiving HIM because you think your marriage is worth saving but you want the person who wasn't married to you to be punished by having her marriage break down.

Do they have children? If so - do you think that their children deserve the fall out from this. If it would really make you feel better to know that her family has been split, when you are happy to continue to be married to the scumbag who cheated on you, then i'm not sure that you are any better than her. You are condoning his behaviour, while punishing her. Makes no sense to me.

I think maybe if your still this angry - it's maybe being misdirected!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Absolutely in agreement with NeverBuytheDailyMail's post (and with her username also...).

[houseeveryweekend]

bestzebbie: they would if shed reported the burglars accomplice but was letting the actual burglar live in her house still.

[WellErrr]

I'd tell him.

[Orwellschild]

NeverbuytheDailyMail spot on.

[SandyY2K]

Yes tell him. But ensure you have evidence or she will deny it.

Either message him and ask him to contact you by phone or speak directly to him.

She may intercept your message if it's sent by email or text.

He deserves to know his wife was cheating. He should get std tested. Knowledge is power.. let him decide what he does with the information.

And you know what? It really doesn't matter what your motives are .... The fact is you are telling the TRUTH.

[Kirk123]

No I would go and confront her and ask her what you need to know first , then decide ???

[Iggi999]

I feel strongly that I wouldn't, though I'm not sure why. Maybe because you know nothing about him - people are saying poor man etc, but maybe he is worse than her with affairs or may be violent. Your dh might resent your actions as well - what if she is dumped and turns to him as a shoulder to cry on?
Are you sure you are ready to forgive your dh, the desire for revenge suggests otherwise.

[Molehillfromamountain]

I've been on the other side, OWs husband contacted me to say what DP was up to. I'm glad he did as it confirmed something I suspected and allowed me to make the best decision of my life and LTB! I would do it.

[WriteforFun1]

Best, your comparison of the burglar's fate vs that of the innocent party here is mad.

[Twerking9to5]

Write the letter, be as vicious as you want. Then burn it.

I completely understand your reasons for wanting to throw out a grenade, but it's impossible to know what the damage will truly be.

Also I don't believe it really will make you feel better in the long run.

Sorry you're going through this.

[TheCraicDealer]

Agree with NeverBuy and Lying. Contact her and put the frightners up her? Yes. Contact her DH just to fuck things up for their family (because it's not just her)? No.

I know how tempting it is to daydream about lighting that touch paper and standing back to watch it unfold, but the reality is unlikely to be what you imagine. Are you going to leave contact details in your letter? If not you're leaving that man with a lot of unanswered questions and no outlet. If you do, you're looking at him contacting you and dredging it all up again. That might not be useful to your state of mind and the work you've done on your own relationship if you're truly going to try and make it work.

You obviously feel very angry and with good reason, but I'd be directing that to your DH rather than her. If it's really over then she's none of your concern any more. Are you sure you're not turning her into a bogeyman to make it easier to 'forgive' him?

[SandyY2K]

It IS NOT OWs responsibility to tell her H. Why would a cheater want to do that?

It was her responsibility to be be faithful ... see how that turned out.

Why do people say telling the truth is lowering yourself? It's not.

I understand if you've been a cheater you want it kept hush hush ... but guess what? Actions have consequences .... this is the real world. If you mess up ..... then be prepared to face what comes with it.

The OW put herself in the OPs marriage ..... now she has to deal with what comes from that. We teach our kids to be honest.... time to live up to that.

OP - Please do not let this man be in the dark. I'm sure you'd have wanted someone to tell you.

It also helps to have another pair of eyes on them. I knew a man who discovered his wife's affair and didn't tell the other betrayed spouse - OBS. 3 years later the OBS finds out and told him , then he said he thought it was over after catching them 3 years earlier.

The OBS was fuming that he didn't tell her.

PM me if you want to know how best to go about it.

[NanaNina]

Yes Yes and Yes again, but when you say write I assume you mean e mail (not snail mail surely) I like your style, not pretending it's because you think he has a right to know, but you want their lives turned upside down like yours has been. Can you not meet him? Do you have pictures of your DH and her because she will undoubtedly deny it.

[AnyFucker]

Would I tell OW's husband ? In a heartbeat. But not if I were forgiving my own husband, which wouldn't be happening.

[Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp]

I think he has a right to know his wife is a cheating scumbag, if the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to know?

[porridge90]

When I was 18 my then boyfriend cheated on me with a woman who was married with kids. Being the immature person that I was back then, I told her husband (I didn't know them or anything but I knew they all did this scouts thing on a certain night in the village where my boyfriend lived.

Anyway it was all very dramatic on my part and the husband shrugged his shoulders and told me they were swingers anyway so he wasn't bothered. It wasn't exactly the reaction my jealous, angry self had been hoping for.

Nowadays, I don't know what I would do.