Is this a 'pick me dance'?

[HoursOfFun]

Last summer DP & me split up - many, many reasons for the split though I found it very painful.

One of the reasons was that I had instincts that he was flirting with someone else in a way that made me feel bad (she plainly fancied him too).

We had NC for a couple of months. Then over Christmas he began doing a huge charm offensive - long love letters, begging me to give him another chance etc.

Against my better instincts I got sucked back. It's been quite amazing - overwhelming and exciting with incredible sex.

Until Friday - when he said something that hurt me and set alarm bells ringing all over again. He was asking when I would be free this week. He said 'I can't meet Thurs - your nemesis wants to meet for a drink' I didn't know who he meant but turned out he meant the girl I suspected he had feeling for last summer.

I said incredulously 'you're going on a date with her?'
He laughed and said 'no, not a date..... I can't help it if women throw themselves at me'
Then he said mockingly 'would you rather I didn't'

I just felt so frozen - it felt like he was being quite cruel, I didn't know how to react.
I said 'yes I'd rather you didn't but I'm not your keeper'.
Then I walked off the train and have not contacted him since. He has sent a couple of chatty texts about nothing in particular which I have ignored.

Am I over reacting? My instincts are just telling me to walk away. Why should he get to try and taunt me like this when he knows it hurts?

Thanks again everyone

Wally - the jazz hands 'last chance' just made me laugh - the sheer pompous me me me- ness of it!! I just recognise that so much.

It is still sinking in just how much everything has been on his terms - where we ate, what we did, what we ate, what we did sexually (and in what order), where we'd go out, what we'd talk about

Sometimes if he didn't like the topic of conversation I began he'd just say 'that's boring, talk about something else'
But woe betide me if I ever tried to speak when he was on one of his many rants

I realised a few times in restaurants how I'd be slightly cringing because he'd be talking so loudly and obliviously without pausing for breath and I often felt like it almost didn't matter if I was there or not

And he's always do a cringe worthy flirty thing with waitresses

And if booking a hotel he's always tell me he was going to book a nice one but then when we got there it was always a traveloge and he'd say 'oh it just seemed easier'

And after the initial over whelming deluge of presents in the first couple of months he then just got to a stage where at birthdays or Christmas he'd say 'I bought you a book' which would never ever materialise

And sometimes if we went out and he was in a vile mood he would just say nasty things to me all evening until I'd be on the verge of tears and then the next day he'd say 'you ruined last night with your sullen mood'

And right from the beginning he's always mention certain women in a particular way and talk about their 'in' jokes, or their favourite chocolate that he'd bought them at work and there was always a hint of 'I could easily cheat on you' about it

And he would be livid if another man spoke to me in the pub after work (someone we both knew - who was 30 years older and happily married)

And he'd say 'you are so beautiful - the most beautiful woman in the world' and then ten minutes later he'd say I reckon other men think they have a chance with you because you're getting on and more desperate (I am a few years older than him)

Yes - so I am lying in bed with a heavy cold today, not missing him. But weirdly slightly sad not to have heard from him. Don't ask me why - I don't understand why I feel sad when I know he's a loser. I am slightly surprised not to have heard from him. Again I don't know why. Oh well. I should think I was right a couple of days ago when I posted that no doubt he snogged OW last night and I am now a distant memory to him. Uurrgghhhhj

You feel down and maudlin with a cold.

He was a classic narcissist - the books were written about him!!

And that's how they draw in successful, intelligent women - the first phase is really unbelievable. Then sadly the second is to punish and destroy you.

Try blocking him on Whatsapp - just tell yourself for a day. More than likely the waiting stress of will he won't he will fall off, because he can't. Just try it.

And really don't worry about your career and his influence, he really isn't as impressive as he thinks he is.....they never are....

OMG what you have wasted that time putting up with

hope you're feeling better soon!

The more I hear of how appallingly he treated you, the more I'm glad you got out!

Instead of being sad he's not texted, see it for what it is, all part of the mind games. He's gaslighted you in the past, it's worked, you've gone back for more abuse and now he will be punishing you with some silence while he figures out his next move.

Why not take back control of this. You don't want to hear from him because he will play mind games - why not block him then you've taken charge and know he can't contact you, hence keep him out of your headspace until you're through this bit.

Music - I know you're probably right but I just can't bring myself to block him, at least not yet. Maybe I'm being weak. But partly I need to know how long this gaslight / silence will continue as yet more confirmation to myself that it is over. The more the silence goes on the more I can think 'wow - acknowledge the hurt and awfulness he has caused'. I kind of have to deal with it iykwim. Because part of me is still struggling with the reality a bit. I think I bought into such a self delusion of what was going on just so the relationship would work. I think rationalised so much that I just have to deal with it head on now.
Not sad at the moment. Busy weekend so that's good. And I've had good chats with some good friends in the last day or two.

WHY oh why did you put up with all that shit?!

You might need to do some thinking on that before seeking another relationship.

Dozer is right - the only - only good thing here is learning so next time you avoid the red flags of complete cunt-yards like him - he sounds like a 'Jeremy ' I once knew

I do understand, it's so hard in these early days when still trying to process it all. The key thing my love is that you never go back to thinking it is ok to be treated like this, by anyone.

As pp said, some work on your self esteem is vital. It's so important to build the relationship with yourself before you go into your next relationship.

Blocking is whenever you feel ready and it will protect you from this abusive idiot's head games. He is full of control and manipulation and he will sit it out and do the silent treatment because he's used to you running back to him no matter how badly he treats you.

Stay strong. It's going to take all your strength now to ride this bit out but you can do it. In time you'll wonder why you put up with this for so long.

Very glad you had the means of getting out now and have no financial ties or kids with this horrible creature and you can have a clean break lucky escape - and a proper future. It gets so much worse and harder to leave later down the line with abusive men. He would have reduced you even further to a miserable shell of your old self.

You are doing the right thing.

Yes Dozer. I agree. Partly why I started with counselling which is gradually working and probably why I had the strength to just walk away finally ten days ago now.

Stop- Jeremy??!! Ha ha - this one is a different name.

Music - thanks for your very supportive comments. I agree with all you say.

Anyway it's ten days since I saw him and 4 days since any communication (the batshit mental US invitation text).

The good thing is I feel ok. A bit flat sometimes, but ok. And I occasionally feel really excited at the growing realisation that I don't have to worry about his moods - whether he's 'happy' with me or if somehow I'm 'in trouble' without knowing why. Also I have stopped having crazy thoughts about whether he is upset or not (he plainly isn't) and sometimes the thought of him and OW intrudes, but weirdly, I don't actually feel jealous. I wasn't expecting that. I was almost fearing feeling the sadness and jealousy more than anything but apart from the odd moment I haven't actually felt too bad.

So thanks all. I guess I have to be on my guard for if he makes contact again. Recognising the patterns from the past, I somehow think he will be in touch and trying to suck me in again at some point and I want to make sure I am not vulnerable to that. So my plan is to get really strong, physically and emotionally and I'm looking forward to that.

And how's the triathlon training going?

Such a great update, HoF! So glad to hear you doing well. Be prepared, though, not just for him contacting you (and, btw, there's nothing wrong with you just blocking all forms of communication, ya know...), there's also you maybe being seriously bored/drunk/temporarily insane one evening. Hey, it happens to the best of us. If it happens to you, just do your best to get last it and learn from your mistake.

I sometimes eat [something nasty] or buy [something crap quality], and when I do it for the rare second time I just remind myself of how much I hate it. And become ever more determined that there won't be a third time.

Not sure if that helps.

HoF, how are you getting on?