Is this a 'pick me dance'?

[HoursOfFun]

Last summer DP & me split up - many, many reasons for the split though I found it very painful.

One of the reasons was that I had instincts that he was flirting with someone else in a way that made me feel bad (she plainly fancied him too).

We had NC for a couple of months. Then over Christmas he began doing a huge charm offensive - long love letters, begging me to give him another chance etc.

Against my better instincts I got sucked back. It's been quite amazing - overwhelming and exciting with incredible sex.

Until Friday - when he said something that hurt me and set alarm bells ringing all over again. He was asking when I would be free this week. He said 'I can't meet Thurs - your nemesis wants to meet for a drink' I didn't know who he meant but turned out he meant the girl I suspected he had feeling for last summer.

I said incredulously 'you're going on a date with her?'
He laughed and said 'no, not a date..... I can't help it if women throw themselves at me'
Then he said mockingly 'would you rather I didn't'

I just felt so frozen - it felt like he was being quite cruel, I didn't know how to react.
I said 'yes I'd rather you didn't but I'm not your keeper'.
Then I walked off the train and have not contacted him since. He has sent a couple of chatty texts about nothing in particular which I have ignored.

Am I over reacting? My instincts are just telling me to walk away. Why should he get to try and taunt me like this when he knows it hurts?

That should be "bow out now"

"He's playing mind games and I'm not having it."

Absolutely.
Wise woman you are.

'X had amazing huge breasts, yours are smaller' (he has a thing for big breasts)"

Honey, you deserve to be treasured and loved, not to have these immature, nasty, spiteful digs thrown at you, not to mentions the mindgames he's playing. If you had a daughter/little sister, imagine what advice you'd give her? xx

...I can't help it if women throw themselves at me...?

Oh Boy. He reckons he's got you back in the bag so now he's free to go off and play the field as he wishes. You're well out of this one.

Yes - thanks all. It's really reassuring to have instincts confirmed. Feel a bit sad today. In the past I have weakened and wanted to make everything 'alright' by rationalising his hurtful comments or by seeking reassurance from him. But it's just a negative cycle which at times has felt very close to or actually the same as EA.

It hurts that he hasn't been in touch to say 'how are you?' Or 'sorry I said those stupid things' etc but I'm deluding myself to hope for that. I'm sure he thinks he is blameless and that I am 'over sensitive' etc etc

He has always told me that he has never loved anyone like he loves me, that the sex has been the best of his life, that I am beautiful etc etc but then he makes me feel like total shit again. I think he gets off on feeling that he is controlling my self esteem.

Well no more. He can fuck right off.
Writing this is very helpful in getting my thoughts clear and strengthens my resolve not to contact him. He is getting properly ghosted for evermore.

Another one for how brilliant you sound OP.

Shades of my ex there. Hope you don't waver (easy to do so).

His comments are totally EA. His behaviour is about his insecurity so he tries to knock your confidence to make you weak and grateful. He doesn't deserve another second of your time tbh.

Thanks for the kind comments and support.

Lottie - I think you're right. He has bravado but not much self confidence underneath and at times has placed me on an unrealistic pedal stall which he then seems to resent and starts making nasty comments as if to tear me down from the position he put me in himself. I swear, he is psychology text book waiting to be written.

I'm posting now to stop myself contacting him. I have an urge to give him a real reality check and list all the crappy things he has done, pointing out why they are crap and how they demonstrate that he is emotionally stunted. But though it might give me temporary satisfaction I am stopping myself because 1) I think it wil just feed his messed up ego even more 2) it continues my investment in him emotionally to even go to the trouble of doing that

So I think it's best just to ghost him. Also he hasn't been in touch since his initial non 'chit chat' messages so I'm not inclined.

I am seeing my Counsellor tomorrow who o began seeing when he treated me so badly last summer. She is great. I just need to not contact him at least until talking to her.

I'm so angry though. I'm so disappointed in him. On Friday afternoon, apart from having great sex, I listened to all his work problems, sympathised, gave him advice, boosted him and he repays me by making me feel small and pathetic and as if I need to compete for his attention. I'm so livid right now. With myself - why did I go back after Christmas?! Why why why....uurrgghhhh
Sorry for the rant. As I say, venting here stops me making myself vulnerable to him yet again.

Get rid!

You can do so much better!

Normal people don't go around tearing others down.

He enjoys hurting you. That's not love. Men who love you make you feel secure. He's exerting considerable effort to do the opposite.

He is a toxic, damaged individual and he will damage you to the point you think this is the best you deserve. It really isn't.

Run a f*cking mile! No kids, no mortgage, no divorce needed, no ties, get out while you can!

In time, you'll feel nothing but gratitude about dodging this bullet and having a lucky escape.

Arse
Arse behaviour
You give him it straight
Don't put up with shit like that

He sounds dreadful
Obviously thinking he can juggle two women
What a knob
Poor you
Onwards and upwards

Do something nice for yourself every day this week. You are not small or pathetic and you don't have to compete for his attention.
He sounds disrespectful and narcissistic and as if he's getting off on playing both of you off against one another.
Sounds as if this was the final straw for you if you are not replying to his text messages. Hang in there.

He was a shitbag then and he is a shitbag now. Dump his ass.

You were restrained not to say to him something along the lines of, "You know damned well you are being unreasonable, goodbye cunty chops!". If this is the second time he's messed up i don't see how an apology from him would be (a) sincere or (b) sufficient to go back for more of this treatment.

Yes you are all spot on.

I wish he would text so I could ignore him. But I think he realised by my reaction on the train that I'm not willing to be dicked around any more.

My mind keeps replaying on a loop all the rubbish things he's done.

The reason finally we split last summer was one evening when we were supposed to be going out to eat. He said he was running late at work and left me hanging around feeling like a twunt with no information about what time he might be, no apology etc etc Finally at 10pm he said 'it's too late now, come to this party instead' which I did like an idiot, at which he flirted a lot of the night with woman I referred to in my first post. He works with her and I had already had weird vibes over a few weeks. I don't think she even realised me and him were 'together'. He had told her we were 'best friends' or some such shit and meanwhile told me that he didn't 'fancy her, she's not at all curvy like you' - even that comparison made me feel a bit sick, like we were both pieces of meat. Anyway, after feeling like I was being tortured for a bit at the party whilst he flirted under my nose I told him I was leaving - he followed me. We ended up having a huge row through the night. After that I didn't see him again for 5 months after he'd begged and begged me to give him another chance.

So yes - what a charmer. What a catch. I hate his stupid guts.

Putting you on a pedestal and then tearing you down from it...read up on Narcissistic behaviour...it's very telling.

He chased you back into a relationship that you ended last time, possibly because he wasn't prepared to lose.

I'm sure he was totally aware when you walked off the train that you were completely fucked off with him, yet he carries on chatty texts like nothing happened? Doesn't apologise or ask if you were ok?

Almost gaslighting you that it's your problem and nothing he'd done.

I would completely disengage. Don't enter into any further dialogue. It will be tough but the only way to protect yourself is to close the window on your world.

Stay strong, you sound ace and you deserve a fulfilling relationship.

Incidentally that evening last summer happened a couple of days after he asked me to move into a flat with him...... I think he thought he 'had' me so he could do what the fuck he liked - even under my nose.

What hurts is that I am genuinely not a jealous person. I don't care if he flirts and it's harmless - but I can sense when there's intention there and when he's trying to fuck with my head. The guy is so screwed up. He admits as much in quiet moments. Good luck to the poor cow who ends up with him. I still wish I didn't feel so angry and hurt though. Time will help, I know...

Yes Wally - I think the chatty texts are like gas lighting - I hadn't thought of that - but reding about it, it fits that description. And that's how he always is when he's said or done something hurtful.

Once I booked a spa hotel for us as a surprise and we had a great time. Until ad went to the jacuzzi. There was another woman there who I didn't really notice tbh - being so loved up on him.
Then later whilst we were getting intimate he started talking dirty about her saying how she'd been so sexy 'because her costume was too small, she was spilling out'. I was so hurt - just felt like he'd ruined what had felt like 'our' special trip. But when I tried to tell him how I was hurt he just told me I was over sensitive, that I should lighten up and that I was overly defensive because probably I'd had lesbian thoughts about her!!!!!!!! And stupidly I almost felt I had to pretend that was true to make it all 'alright'. Not that I have anything against people having lesbian fantasies etc but it just felt it was all about him and that I had to 'join in' or spoil things. Uurrgghhhh looking back on it I just don't know why I didn't tell him to go fuck himself (pls excuse the swearing)

Block his number. Talking dirty about another woman. Eweeee.
Run.
Fast.

Swear away....

He wants you to be jealous desperately doesn't he?

Sad tosser.

Well now he needs to deal with life without the best sex he's ever had, but I'm sure he'll enjoy telling the next girl all about that, while making personal back handed compliments on her body., and making her feel like shit.

My ex used to flirt in front of me too, and I used to try and laugh it off casually...it was harmless etc. It's quite sad and disgusting really though. I'd never do it to my partner out of respect.

Do you think he was saying this to you (about going on a date with the other woman) so he could basically cheat on you "in plain sight"?

Or was he just testing you to see just how much shit treatment you would put up with, and grind you down just a little bit more?

Either way, he's a definite twunt. And you sound lovely and very sensible.

Aye - I think it was very possibly the plain sight thing. Like when he flirted with her in front of me - it was sort of - 'yes I'm flirting so you can't accuse me of doing anything behind your back' kind of thing. Very strange. Also I thing he can only see women as sex objects. He would ask me if I was attracted to all my female friends - quite sleazy really. I said to him 'women can be friends without it being part of your teenage boy type of lesbian fantasy' - again he treated that like a huge joke, but really it's like he can't see women other than sexually and that freaked me out when I became aware of it.

Thanks again for all the lovely supportive comments. Don't know what state I'd be in without MN. X

Wally - I'm sorry you had that from your ex partner - but at least he's an ex (for good reason it sounds like). I agree - it's hurtful and disrespectful. And he used to get ridiculous jealous about me so much as talking to another man, even if it was obvious I would not be at all attracted to said man.
One time he told me he liked it if I was jealous as it showed that I 'loved' him. I told him that he should know without having to try and manipulate me into jealousy. But for some reason me being jealous was like gold to him. I think the fact that I am not jealous by nature really wound him up. And as I say, what hurts is the manipulation and game playing as much as anything - that he can't just value my genuine love. He just has to stew everything up. Actually I think he's screwing up lots of work relationships too - reading between the lines I think he's made a lot of enemies. For some reason that helps me a little bit because it shows that he has problems relating to everyone, not just me.

Lost my post.

He is a horrible b*stard.

He will treat you how you allow him to. He wants you to chase him.

Please, block him and walk away. Replace the hurt you feel with anger and use it to move on.

He really does sound like a narcissist to me. He has some hallmark behaviours that I've seen before.

Is he always talking himself up?