Is this a 'pick me dance'?

[HoursOfFun]

Last summer DP & me split up - many, many reasons for the split though I found it very painful.

One of the reasons was that I had instincts that he was flirting with someone else in a way that made me feel bad (she plainly fancied him too).

We had NC for a couple of months. Then over Christmas he began doing a huge charm offensive - long love letters, begging me to give him another chance etc.

Against my better instincts I got sucked back. It's been quite amazing - overwhelming and exciting with incredible sex.

Until Friday - when he said something that hurt me and set alarm bells ringing all over again. He was asking when I would be free this week. He said 'I can't meet Thurs - your nemesis wants to meet for a drink' I didn't know who he meant but turned out he meant the girl I suspected he had feeling for last summer.

I said incredulously 'you're going on a date with her?'
He laughed and said 'no, not a date..... I can't help it if women throw themselves at me'
Then he said mockingly 'would you rather I didn't'

I just felt so frozen - it felt like he was being quite cruel, I didn't know how to react.
I said 'yes I'd rather you didn't but I'm not your keeper'.
Then I walked off the train and have not contacted him since. He has sent a couple of chatty texts about nothing in particular which I have ignored.

Am I over reacting? My instincts are just telling me to walk away. Why should he get to try and taunt me like this when he knows it hurts?

It's all very clear now. Well done in keeping up the silence. Don't crack!

Is there anything new and exciting you've been wanting to do but been putting off? I would say now's the time to throw yourself into something new that will give you a different focus.

Agree he sounds like a manipulative passive aggressive loser. You on the other hand sound fab! You'll be great when you've got through this.

I don't think it's a bad idea to text him a very firm 'it's over' or 'please don't contact me again'. It might help you to bring some finality to things - at the moment I imagine you're still waiting for his next text and wondering what he might be thinking.

But you do have to be prepared for what he might say in response and not get sucked into an exchange which might stroke his ego.

Having had something of a crash-course in dating since leaving my abusive partner a year ago, I've come to the realisation that actually, it should all be really easy. If two people like each other then there won't be drama and game playing. If this guy really cared and wanted to be with you, he wouldn't go days without messaging you and he would certainly be checking if you were ok, not just sending the odd breezy text about the cinema after days of silence.

how dreadful to be so besotted about an absolute cunting piece of prick smegma.
you poor thing.
how he has used and abused you.
awful.
just awful.
i'll never never ever understand how some women put up with being made eejits of, and then want to run back for more.

Wow AlMinzer, you're wasted her with empathy like that. Why not try manning the phones at the Samaritans?

Snoring - I will definitely give that some thought.
Frieda - exactly, exactly my thoughts. It is just weird to send a breezy cinema text without any 'how are things, what's been happening' or reference to his total horribleness last week.

Alminzer - I wouldn't say I was besotted - more a bit traumatised, confused and trying to disengage as best I can. You are right - Prick smegma is exactly what he is.
Thanks for all supportive messages, as ever. X

Oh my Lord - he's just texted me again asking if I want to go to the U.S. with him in September (he'd talked about this last week before he made the horrible comments).
WTF is this? Given that I haven't answered him about cinema tomorrow does he think upping the stakes will persuade me? I'm so disorientated. If I couldn't post on here I'd be questioning my sanity right now - like whether I'd imagined his comments about his date with OW tomorrow? This is another gas light, right??

Do you know, I think I'd text back straight away 'No thanks. Have fun.' or something, just so that he's not thinking you're putting effort into ignoring him.

And yes, it's another gaslight.

I think I'd text back 'You're joking, right? No.'

At a certain point ignoring does become a kind of game in itself, so maybe it's time for a (curt) response now. But go with your instincts.

His behaviour is just bizarre but sadly not unusual. I've been there (see above re:crash course!) I had a guy come on really strong, then after a few dates tell me he wasn't interested, then text me a few days later asking me to go away with him for the weekend. I'm so glad I had the strength to tell him to do one.

Oh how typical. He'll be around with flowers or some grand gesture shortly.

Don't text back.

He knows you are not contacting him so he is trying to draw you in with crazy ideas so you send him a WTF text and have to start from ground zero again.

Stay strong, inore, delete, don't reply.

Probably wouldn't hurt to send a "don't contact me again" message before deleting him and adding his number to a call and message blocking app. Never know when a paper trail will come in handy

He sounds a teeny bit off his rocker if he's inviting you to the states as if he hasn't treated you like crap all this time. Think it's safe to say any time he does something that makes you think "am I going crazy?" the answer is always "no, he's just trying to make me think I'm crazy" i.e. gaslighting.

Please don't engage
Please
My H did exactly this kind of stuff
Please don't

I don't have any desire to engage. I am going to leave it a few hours and see how I feel. If I do respond it will be a bright breezy shutting down.
I feel I still have to be careful how I respond to him because though we don't work together (we used to) there are lots of people we work with in common with and he is close to people who are influential in my field. He is so unpredictable I don't want to trigger something where he's bad mouthing me professionally to mutual colleagues. I have seen him do that to others. In the past that thought used to stop me calling him out on things.

Thanks again everyone - it's a helping a lot to have so much perspective and sense thrown on the situation.

There should be a website to post twatty men's names so no one else gets caught with them..

What about "No thanks, this relationship really isn't working for me anymore. No hard feelings. See you round".
Then block, absolutely block and ghost.

Ha ha, he's panicking!

He's such a game playing ungenuine prick.

It's like a poker game sweetie, he's upping the ante.

Men bitching and bad mouthing in industry isn't looked on very highly by the way...

My ex thought everybody loved him, he even used to tell me that our friends liked him more than me

I believed it all, it was w way of control, because I wouldn't confide in them about his dickish behaviour.

Nearly two years down the line I am still friends with all but one of them, they are all important people in my life. He keeps in touch with none of them. One of the "favourites" won't even gave him in the house.

Stay strong and keep reading your diary, your feelings were real then and they are now...

What snoozebuttonabuser said, then you can move on. He sounds like a prize cock and you have wasted enough time already fanning his ego.

Good for you realising it before you made a commitment to him!

This is another gas light, right??

No, this is a gasholder, on fire, flames visible in 6 counties, half of England's firefighters in attendance and British gas having kittens trying to shut the gas supply off.

What's next, do we all think?

Fearing him badmouthing you in a professional context, and his badmouthing others, is yet more reason not to be incolved with him, at all. No contact is best: you do NOT have to "keep him sweet".

Next will be that you are the love of his life and he's been a fool and too blind to see it. Can you both start afresh and walk hand in hand into the sunset? Please...pretty please?

I like snooze's response. A breezy text ending things could now be a good no-drama route. You would then have to resist any further invitations to meet just as friends, talk it over, explain your reasons etc. But if it feels better to carry on ignoring, then go with that. You don't owe him anything.

Thanks again everyone.

I did just text him saying 'I won't be able to come. Have a good trip'.

I honestly think if he gets off with OW tomorrow night I won't ever hear from him again. Knowing a bit about how his fucked up mind works I think his texting me is an 'insurance' policy in case she rejects him. Meantime, if I'd have continued to challenge him about the 'non' date / date he would have just insisted it was 'two work colleagues catching up' and would rationalise anything happening between them as her 'throwing herself' at him - and tried to keep us both. If I don't hear from him now it'll be because he's getting a new buzz from her and my responses now make him feel I'm not worth the effort any more.

Anyway - fuck it. The way I'm feeling I really really don't care. I don't want any engagement with, hostile or otherwise. I very much doubt he'll be able to change his patterns of behaviour with a new person after the honeymoon phase. So yes - have dodged a bullet and at the moment feel completely calm and unemotional about it. Just a bit bored with thinking about him too much. I think I will go for a run now. Thanks again, you wonderful people x x