Is this a 'pick me dance'?

[HoursOfFun]

Last summer DP & me split up - many, many reasons for the split though I found it very painful.

One of the reasons was that I had instincts that he was flirting with someone else in a way that made me feel bad (she plainly fancied him too).

We had NC for a couple of months. Then over Christmas he began doing a huge charm offensive - long love letters, begging me to give him another chance etc.

Against my better instincts I got sucked back. It's been quite amazing - overwhelming and exciting with incredible sex.

Until Friday - when he said something that hurt me and set alarm bells ringing all over again. He was asking when I would be free this week. He said 'I can't meet Thurs - your nemesis wants to meet for a drink' I didn't know who he meant but turned out he meant the girl I suspected he had feeling for last summer.

I said incredulously 'you're going on a date with her?'
He laughed and said 'no, not a date..... I can't help it if women throw themselves at me'
Then he said mockingly 'would you rather I didn't'

I just felt so frozen - it felt like he was being quite cruel, I didn't know how to react.
I said 'yes I'd rather you didn't but I'm not your keeper'.
Then I walked off the train and have not contacted him since. He has sent a couple of chatty texts about nothing in particular which I have ignored.

Am I over reacting? My instincts are just telling me to walk away. Why should he get to try and taunt me like this when he knows it hurts?

Time heals. Just ride the feelings out. You're doing the right thing.

Reading this I'm so impressed by your strength and resolve. The whole thing sounds horribly familiar, it's taken up 8 years of my life and it's only in the past year with the help of counselling that I've really started seeing it for what it is.
Well done! And here's to being free and a happy future

Music - 'euphoric recall' - I must read about that. Recognising these stages is incredibly helpful.

Rice - I know it is the right thing at a rational level.

Already I feel a bit liberated because if I'd said yes to cinema he would now be head wrecking by not letting me know location etc until very last minute (he has always done that - left me hanging and hanging with any arrangement until I begin to doubt whether we even had an arrangement to meet. And he is always, always late and always, always claims last minute work crisis etc - so that is one thing I am not missing today)

Tonight is really busy with a work thing - not fun but it will not give me any time to stew.

Also I am beginning to think about plans I can make with friends for a weekend abroad. And next week I am going to start running again.

So I veer between sadness and then feeling pleased that I'm not hanging onto my phone waiting for the text that never comes, or the dicking me around with arrangements. OW is welcome to all that.

Thanks hownotto and everyone else.

Posting on here is making me stronger because of the support and being able to get thoughts clearer. I would have caved by now without MN and all the wonderful people on here. X

Don't cave. He's a loser and not worthy of any more of your time. Being single is fine, and a million times better than anything this deluded chump can offer, but if you want a good relationship there WILL be much better people to have one with. As long as you see the signs and filter out losers in future.

Your holiday and running plans sound lovely.

Well done op, I missed that you'd sent him a text saying ''can't come''.

No doubt he'll read in to that that you genuiely can not go though. But hold strong. Different situation as he wasn't cruel (intentionally) but I walked away from a man about 6 weeks ago who I'd been 'friends' with for about 6 months. No long history. It was really hard but he'd told me straight out he didn't want a relationship so I think I was supposed to admire his honesty while he then simultaneously ignored every boundary between friendship and a relationship. I did feel a bit gas lighted, even though it was lovely, sort of. But it began to erode my self-esteem.

I read a lot of helpful articles on psychology today, the mind journal, elephant journal...

Good for you OP!

Here's a thought why don't you up the ante and enter yourself for a triathlon!!! I know, I know bear with me. Here's my thinking...

It will give you a focus for your running

It will make you dust off your cycling and swimming skills (assuming you're not already great at these )

You can get a fitness plan to follow which will give you a focus. There are loads of triathlon clubs who love newbies.

The endorphins pumping round your body will feel great. Your body will be super fit ready for your holiday.

And .... lots of fit men in wet suits! What's not to like???

Do something radical!

Don't cave. He's a waste of your time and energy.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He is every bit the self centred, egotistical, delusional idiot that he portrays. Be glad you aren't married to him. Courtship is the period where you search for a compatible long term partner. He's failed the test, so it's end of chapter.

Unfortunately too many people ignore the raging red flags and actually have kids with idiots like him, then you end up having to interact with them for ever more.

Write down all the stupid things he has said and done. Then look at it when you want to call him or text.

Snoring you sound hardcore athletic, I like it!

Staggering on the treadmill and tearing up the slow swim lane is more my style!

LOL Dozer I haven't been called hardcore in a while! At 6 months pregnant the only thing hardcore about me at the moment is my consumption of gaviscon to combat acid indigestion

The thing is triathlon's are really accessible nowadays. I saw a women with a wicker basket on her bike doing her cycling leg and I thought good on you girl! People use them for training or personal challenges these days and I think that doing something completely different and pushing yourself is fantastic for your wellbeing when you've had a plonker messing with your head. It'll help with self confidence and who knows where it may lead??

I'm going to do one next year as I'm desperate to toughen up my stomach muscles after what will be my second c-section. It's been a long and tough mental journey just having these two and I feel I owe it to myself to kick-start my confidence again.

Anyway sorry OP went off on a bit of a tangent there!

hardcore gaviscon consumption!

Good for you. I hear you on the C section recovery! Recommend mutu system if you need to work on your "core": pricey but good!

Thanks again all.

Actually I have entered a half marathon.
I will think about a triathlon - bit daunted by the idea of it. I have done a half marathon before though and it feels like a good goal and I think all the endorphins will cheer me up.

More memories are surfacing of twattish things he has said. I am quite enjoying cataloging them here for future reference.

Recently he was talking about a very close friend of mine who has always been fond of him up to a point - though she has also told me she thinks he's a real twat who doesn't help himself in life, especially at work (she worked with him same time as me).

He was talking about her recently and he said 'she needs a good fuck. I'd bet she'd like me to be her boyfriend. She loves me'

I was like WTAF?

1. Fuck off, she's a friend, don't be so disrespectful
2. she really wouldn't & she doesn't
3. thanks though - you've made me feel like shit again sexualising a relationship with my friend and now I will awful if we're all in the pub together

I mean - what fucking planet is he on?
Then in the next breath it was
'You are all I've ever needed or wanted. I love you'.
Strange, strange idiot.

He is really delusional and also sounds a bit thick. I'd blank him.

Ugh that is a gross way to talk about any woman but especially one who's a friend! So disrespectful to you both. Again, my ex was much the same, often talking about friends of mine and how they needed a 'real man' like him. I knew him very well and I think that he was actually horribly insecure. Saying things like that was his way of reassuring himself that he was actually some kind of hot stuff alpha male.

We often think it's only women who seek that kind of validation, but my ex seemed to base his whole opinion of himself on how women interacted with him (other women, not me - I didn't count of course). If he smiled at a girl on the bus and she didn't smile back, he'd get depressed and moan about how women never found him attractive (again, I didn't count). Quite sad really. But we don't need that crap in our lives!

God he's sounding more like my ex by the minute...

Best one was arriving at his brothers house, and he called his SIL (DB's wife) from the driveway and joked about whether she was naked or not (she actively encouraged it, thought his behaviour was HIL-arious) after she mentioned she was out of the shower. Then rushed to the house shouting he was coming to get her.

While I unpacked our 8 week old baby & bags from the car

I would have caved by now without MN and all the wonderful people on here.

And that's why the haters hate us. The abusers, the rapists, the handmaidens who want to drag us down into the crab bucket of misogyny and patriarchal misery. They're losing their grip and they know it.

^

Frieda and Wally - you have no idea how weirdly comforting I find those stories. I mean are all these dicks related or something?

I've just remembered another one!! OMG

One time we were in a pub waiting for some other people and there was an attractive blonde woman having some sort of photo shoot in the empty bit of the bar we were in.

I remember feeling tense, waiting for the inevitable comment and hoping that for once it wouldn't arrive. But no, sure enough as she was leaving there was
"Can she join us for a drink?" Leer leer, smug laugh at his own HIL-ariousness
Me cringing at both the David Brentness and smarting with humiliation.....good times.

I thought I would be weeping to myself tonight, given that he is almost definitely out with OW at this very moment, my work event is over and I have only the TV for company.

But actually I'm far from weeping. I'm thinking 'I never, ever have to accept his negging ever again, or his gas lighting or his moods, or his self centredness'.

I wonder if he's wishing I had contacted him so he could not so subtley let me know about OW again? I bet he is. Fucking prick.

Great suggestions on getting stuck into fitness and goals for yourself. Treat yourself! Some new clothes, a night with friends and getting your mojo back.

You're doing so well. Am really proud of you. When I think of the time I wasted heartbroken over pricks that didn't deserve me, I feel annoyed. This Brent-esque loser sounds right up there too.

Little does he know that your lovely group of friends here are having a right old laugh at what an utter twat he is.

What's on tomorrow? Stay busy, it helps loads. Have some pampering time and enjoy yourself.

Keep up the good work! Have been there and worn the t shirt. Same delusional comments about other women and I thought I wAs so confident and cool I could just laugh?
Now I'm utterly horrified I had anything to do with the fuckwit. They are so charming and good fun but that's it. Shallow and insecure. Thought I was in love. Got over it in a few months and realised I had been an utter idiot.
It won't take long I promise.

Also I later discovered there were many many OW. I was astounded he had the time. Ugh. Can't believe I lowered myself to his level.
You will rise above it!!

Urgh he sounds like my ex gimp. He also lied about his mum having cancer. He asked me if i thought Rihanna would fancy him if they met. I said of course "you're gorgeous, she'd be on you like a rash". He smiled in delight. He looked like Martin Clunes with the brains of Forrest Gump. What a loser. You will honestly get better. NC is the way.

Isn't it funny how many of them also seem to be deeply insecure? I'd say the same about exP, he had to big himself up all the time I could see others on the verge of tears with boredom it made me feel so uncomfortable. But then I'd feel so sorry for him too, and want to help, and so the cycle continued... bleurgh

Yes I was afraid of the withdrawal, and what the future would be, but I was so calm on the drama filled night he left the marriage...

Didn't just pack a bag for some time alone, packed three suitcases, stomping up and down stairs while our boy was asleep. Then at the door did some kind of jazz hands motion and shouted "last chance" (he wanted an apology from me for not seeing a bank transfer I asked for - first time he'd done that in 10 years of marriage and he was NOT happy about handing me money and obviously I should've got down on my knees in praise of the wonderful provider).

I calmly unlocked the door, asked for his keys and said goodbye.

Afterward I felt an ethereal serenity at the thought that I never need have self doubt, worry or shame again. It was wonderful.

That's what you had last night, get addicted to that feeling....