Is this a 'pick me dance'?

[HoursOfFun]

Last summer DP & me split up - many, many reasons for the split though I found it very painful.

One of the reasons was that I had instincts that he was flirting with someone else in a way that made me feel bad (she plainly fancied him too).

We had NC for a couple of months. Then over Christmas he began doing a huge charm offensive - long love letters, begging me to give him another chance etc.

Against my better instincts I got sucked back. It's been quite amazing - overwhelming and exciting with incredible sex.

Until Friday - when he said something that hurt me and set alarm bells ringing all over again. He was asking when I would be free this week. He said 'I can't meet Thurs - your nemesis wants to meet for a drink' I didn't know who he meant but turned out he meant the girl I suspected he had feeling for last summer.

I said incredulously 'you're going on a date with her?'
He laughed and said 'no, not a date..... I can't help it if women throw themselves at me'
Then he said mockingly 'would you rather I didn't'

I just felt so frozen - it felt like he was being quite cruel, I didn't know how to react.
I said 'yes I'd rather you didn't but I'm not your keeper'.
Then I walked off the train and have not contacted him since. He has sent a couple of chatty texts about nothing in particular which I have ignored.

Am I over reacting? My instincts are just telling me to walk away. Why should he get to try and taunt me like this when he knows it hurts?

Also he may well have been cheating all this time anyway - fwiw I don't think he has been - but he may as well have been with all his talk about other women. Certainly hasn't made me felt valued or part of an exclusive relationship.

Well done!

He is a total penis and you're well rid!

Now to start doing things for YOU without this arse taking up your headspace.

Very glad you've stayed so strong and sent him a clear message that you value yourself enough not to put up with his crap.

Onwards and upwards!

Thanks Music.
Now I feel sad. I've gone from feeling calm earlier to sad now. I guess I really miss the version of him I believed in (that didn't really exist beyond when he was chasing me).

I guess the next few days / weeks I will need to keep re reading this thread and the old diary so that I keep a firm grip on the reality of how he has made me feel - the urge to rationalise is so strong. Like I say - had I not been on this thread and the U.S. Invite text had arrived, in the past I might well have seen that as his 'apology' - a grand romantic gesture - and fallen straight back into the trap. Actually 18 months ago he booked us tickets to the U.S. as a surprise but then was so vile to me in the run up to the trip that I didn't go - he went alone and then was furious with me for months. Groundhog Day, much?!! Ah well. Onwards and upwards.

It's totally reasonable to feel sad. It's sadness for the person you thought he was. You're doing well.

Tendon - thanks x

You have done so amazingly well to escape him!

Be proud of yourself for realising so quickly this time that he is BAD for you.

Your only message from now on should be one last response if he contacts you of "Our relationship is over. Stop contacting me." Followed by ghosting.

HOF

You know what your worth and you deserve much better than him. Some guys are just immature players who love having the attention of more than one girl at a time.

Don't be part of his harem. Try and take your mind of him by getting together with friends or spending time working out at the gym. It's a great distraction and you feel great afterwards.

The truth is that guys like him will always exist .... they exist because girls fall for their charm.

Let the wonderful James Bond .... Mr. Immature go and play with someone else. People who feel the need to big themselves up clearly have deep rooted confidence issues and try and put on a front.

It's totally natural to feel sad. It will take a while to level out. You'll be coming out sideways for a while. Don't weaken in those low times. Come here for support, do kind and loving things for yourself and remember the cause of this pain is someone that's got no place in your life.

It will pass, I promise you that.

Well done OP - I think so many of us wish we had the courage to do what you are doing right now - years ago

The sadness is normal and shows you are a normal balanced human being

I think after 2 years you do grief for the relationship you wanted it to be , hopes for - alas !

I think you are amazing !

He sounds so much like my ex, it's uncanny. Can there really be two ex used to come out with shit like "I'm a fucking Adonis". I'm almost tempted to see if he has the same initials etc.

Good luck OP. Stay strong!

I'm off to google Lundy Bancroft's Player..

Thanks everyone.

Breakfast. w.o.w.
My dickwad said, along with the James Bomd comment, 'there are broken hearted women all over this city, crying about me' and that was when he was trying to get me back!! And I went back!!!

Other gems that have surfaced in my memory are:
'Everyone at work is terrified of me' (shortly before he was side lined on a project for pissing off the manager)

'XXXX (always a young woman at work) says I'm her knight in shining armour'

Also ironically, for a narcissist, he often begins sentences by saying 'I'm not being
Narcissistic but......' and then goes on to come out with some bullshit about how amazing he is. Except he can't pronounce 'narcissistic' properly for some reason and says 'nar-siss-stic' which used to make me laugh internally to myself.
Is he also your ex, Breakfast?

'

HoF, you've got such a great sense of humour. I'm glad you're seeing the funny in this twunt's bletherings, and someday - sooner than you think - that'll be the main emotion you have about him. Stay strong.

Ha! Thanks Preemptive. I think it's a coping strategy. Laughing at him stops him having power over me. Anyway - even though I thought I loved him there was always a nagging feeling that some of his most grandiose bullshit was a bit David Brent.

Also I do feel I have dodged a bullet. Deep down I knew I could never move in with him. Even in the very early days his moodiness felt suffocating. And I felt reluctant to let him meet my family and he's only met a few of them briefly - so I guess deep down I knew it wasn't right.

I think what I have to be careful of is my 'rescuer' tendencies because what always used to suck me back was feeling that however fucked up he was, I could help him. But that's actually 1) not true and 2) a need I have in myself that needs to be addressed in a better way.

Onwards & upwards...

Wow.

He is trying to make you insecure because he knows you had the strength to give up on him and walk away before. Now he's sucked you back in because it works in bed, and he's trying to re-cast himself as the prize.

Pick yourself, and walk away with your self esteem still healthy. I walked away from a situation that had begun to throw slings and arrows at my self-esteem a while ago. It's hard. But........ it was the right thing for me, I feel more powerful again.

OP I am not sure how old you are- but I wish to god I knew about MN was I was aged 16-33 (my prime dickhead dating years)

there is so much you share and I'm like, fuck- I heard some of that shit, experienced it. I remember a special gem who went off with another girl and I went to him in a club and kicked him up the arse. Not my finest hour ...ergh

I think you will hear from him again, and it might be when you least expect it. Its the choice between

Ghosting him (and not getting drawn into dialogue)
and
Dumping him, and getting drawn into dialogue

I would not worry about him fucking up your career, if you dump with dignity, anyway from what you have posted it sounds like most of his profession and peers think he is a complete fucking twat. If he bad mouths you they will probably mentally salute you, I bet he is HATED

Yes stop, he is certainly hated by some he works with - he is a very marmite type person at work. When I worked with him (before we got together) some people loved him and some absolutely hated his guts. I was initially in the former camp. But then again I would often only hear his side of things and I didn't know how manipulative he was at that stage.

I feel a bit sick today thinking about him going out with OW tonight. It's all very well rationalising it all and knowing what a total bell end he is and how I don't want any more crap from him and yet the thought of him planning this date and probably looking forward to it still hurts like hell. I suppose part of me thought that by today he'd have for in contact to say 'it's you and only you, I was such an idiot, I'l do anything you like to show I love you'.
But given all the history, would I even be able to believe him if he said all that?
I still can't quite get my head round the fact that he made such undying declarations of love but that really I think I am just a piece of meat to him. Once he knows he can sleep with me he really does not give a flying fuck about my feelings. All the dallying with my feelings is just a strategy - I don't know if he's ever really felt love for me. I think he believes he has but I'm not sure he's capable of it. I really hate him right now. I wish I felt indifference. The cinema invite and U.S. Invitation are just like final insults when he clearly had no intention of clearing up the upset he caused about OW. Uurrgghhhhh
Sorry - venting again. The emotions suddenly take hold when I'm not expecting it. Better to get them out I guess.

My husband was/is exactly the same, HoursOfFun! Either hugely popular or thoroughly disliked at work. Woe betide anyone who dared to contradict him or who simply didn't agree; he would become instantly revenge-bound and very cold.

the OW is a temporary pain, right now it hurts. IN 3 months it wont. PROMISE

I wasted years, truly, years, trying to work out why mine acted like this.
You will never ever be able to understand, you will never get it.
Please do not spend your time, thoughts and energy trying to work this guy out.
He doesn't think like you and me. He never will.

Your reply sounds perfect to me, well done. Firm but without providing fuel for further discussion, and should be pretty clear that what you really mean is 'have a nice life'.

You're bound to be sad but it will pass. Be glad that you had the lightbulb moment so early on - I spent nine years with my ex and then one day something finally clicked and I realised how fucked up it all was.

It's strange seeing how much these kinds of men seem to have in common. Mine was always coming home ranting about people at work and constantly seemed to be getting into petty fights and drama at the office. He would brag about how he was the only straight-talker in the office, how people were scared of him and knew he wouldn't take any crap etc. Now I think that people probably just thought he was a moody cunt and a nightmare to work with.

Well done you for walking away like you did.
That takes strength.
Try and keep that strength and take a little time to have your carefully worded "end of" speech ready.
Anybody who tried to play me off against somebody else would be history

Thanks everyone.
I'm not sure why today I feel more needy and vulnerable and full of self doubt.
Like even though I know I've done the right thing, part of me is wishing I was meeting him later at the cinema - if only so I could tell him some things face to face. But why? It would only feed his ego, make him think he's James fucking Bond and that I'm another crying woman on his list. Oh what an epic, epic wanker he is. How can he make me feel so powerless. Well, it is only temporary - I keep telling myself. This time last week we were having what seemed like a blissful day.

Fuck him.

If you want a lifetime of mind games and making you jealous to get a response then stay with this man child. If you want a mutually respectful relationship then dump.

You're in the 'euphoric recall' phase now, where the head wrecking doubt kicks in and switches off the painful stuff and tells you it was good and you miss them. Stay strong! This has to be worked through!

Do you have a plan for today and this evening to stay busy? A plan is crucial, moping around makes it far harder to start moving on.