Is this a 'pick me dance'?

[HoursOfFun]

Last summer DP & me split up - many, many reasons for the split though I found it very painful.

One of the reasons was that I had instincts that he was flirting with someone else in a way that made me feel bad (she plainly fancied him too).

We had NC for a couple of months. Then over Christmas he began doing a huge charm offensive - long love letters, begging me to give him another chance etc.

Against my better instincts I got sucked back. It's been quite amazing - overwhelming and exciting with incredible sex.

Until Friday - when he said something that hurt me and set alarm bells ringing all over again. He was asking when I would be free this week. He said 'I can't meet Thurs - your nemesis wants to meet for a drink' I didn't know who he meant but turned out he meant the girl I suspected he had feeling for last summer.

I said incredulously 'you're going on a date with her?'
He laughed and said 'no, not a date..... I can't help it if women throw themselves at me'
Then he said mockingly 'would you rather I didn't'

I just felt so frozen - it felt like he was being quite cruel, I didn't know how to react.
I said 'yes I'd rather you didn't but I'm not your keeper'.
Then I walked off the train and have not contacted him since. He has sent a couple of chatty texts about nothing in particular which I have ignored.

Am I over reacting? My instincts are just telling me to walk away. Why should he get to try and taunt me like this when he knows it hurts?

Yes lottie - though when I first met him I used to sort of fall in with it and agree with him. But more and more I have begun to recognise the 'talking up' for what it is - bullshit...

Examples:
He often talks about stuff he has done at work as though he is literally the only person who can take any credit for anything (he's part of a big team and not a senior member of it - I know from many things he's told me and from working with him in the past that he pisses loads of people off at work and fucks things up quite often)

He once said to me 'I'm like James Bond, there are broken hearted women all over the place who I've just had to walk away from' - I actually laughed at him - it sounded so ridiculous.

He always reckons women fancy him, even when there's not much evidence of it. Many times he's said to me 'I'm not being funny, but I'm not short of offers from women, but for some reason I feel loyal to you' err.... Whatever mate... Irrelevant now, anyway.

He boasts a lot about how funny everyone finds him. It's true he can be really, really funny in a group. But sometimes his jokes fall flat and he's totally mystified as to why (usually he's been offensive to someone)

He told me he'd inherited £250,000 which he keeps in the bank. For many reasons I strongly suspect this is a lie. I am a home owner and he is not and has always claimed that he thinks such things are sort of beneath him. Now I suspect he just couldn't buy anything (which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in itself) but wanted me to think we were financial 'equals'

God - writing all this is revealing a lot to me - hadn't really thought it through before.

So anyway - not sure if all that makes him a narcissist or just a bullshitter. Some of the more EA stuff makes me wonder about narcississim though.

He is a very, very deeply damaged individual and under all the bullshit lies an extremely fragile ego.

Steer clear.

Someone like that in my past turned out to be one of life's biggest lessons. He brought out the worst in me, made me insecure and jealous when I had never been previously and wrecked my head at one of my most vulnerable points in life.

I had to do a lot of work on my self esteem to realise I deserved better. I don't know why the hell I put up with it now.

I have a wonderful partner now, he is a kind and beautiful soul and I've waited a lifetime to find him.

Start over and erase this loser. He'll end up sad and lonely. He is a narcissist and a sociopath, incapable of love or commitment. Look at his parenting and there will be issues there, I guarantee it. Seen it before.

He once said to me 'I'm like James Bond, there are broken hearted women all over the place who I've just had to walk away from' - I actually laughed at him - it sounded so ridiculous.

How on earth can someone say this sentence in a serious way!

The rest of what you've just posted is almost as bad too!

He sounds chronically insecure. And he will never be a good partner for anyone while he has these issues. He obviously felt deep down that you were too good for him (you are!) and thought he'd big himself up and knock you down so you were "equal"

Twat.

You sound very wise OP. I agree with pp he's not good enough for you.

Thanks Music. Sadly I think you're definitely right. I'm really glad you found a good partner.

I think I can't stop analysing it all and trying to make sense of it because generally in life I think I am and have been pretty level headed and pretty good at seeing bull shit for what it is.

He genuinely blind sighted me - not once but twice - and I find it so hard to understand why. The physical attraction is huge. Again I don't know why because he's not someone who I immediately fancied.

I think both attempts at a relationship have involved me rationalising away bad behaviour and hurt because I can't quite believe I would find myself with someone who would do that - so I've contorted logic sometimes to get things to 'make sense' when the reality is he is just an epic bastard who lacks empathy, respect and any real emotional tenderness.

He used to absolutely bombard me with presents and declarations of love and that was so disorientating and also addictive - I guess it was the classic 'idealisation' phase narcissists go through before the 'discard' (I was always reading about that, trying to make sense of it all but never wanted to apply it to him a kept finding reasons to 'believe'). I feel like my sense of reality has been fucked up by this experience.

He does sound like a narcissist OP, the more you're saying. Head scratching and wtf -ness after is pretty standard. He was so nice at first it's like they've thrown you a bone and now you want that again. You try to discount the behaviour that doesn't quite fit in. Does your head in. At least you haven't been with him that long and you can see what's what. It's good you've got this thread to refer to in case he tries to win you back again.

MathAnxiety posted this description of a narcissist on a thread the other day and I saved it as I thought it was absolutely en pointe.

A narcissist is someone who wants to be judged by their impeccable intentions, and never by the effects of their actual behaviour on other people.

Other people are put on earth to allow narcissists to attribute all of the unacceptable parts of themselves to them because a narcissist cannot be anything but pure and good, in their own head, or a victim of unfairness and manipulation and huge betrayal if the people in their life have managed to break free and want nothing more to do with them.

^The narcissist feeds off other people who hurl back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in his world : to reflect his False Self, to admire him, to applaud his actions, even to detest and fear him - in a word, to assure him that he exists by giving him constant attention.
Otherwise, the narcissist feels that they have no right to tax his time, energy, or emotions.^
samvak.tripod.com/

For narcissists, all relationships descend into competition. The narcissist must win the competition. Close, intimate relationships are attempted but are not possible for a narcissist to succeed at with the normal meaning of 'succeed'.

Narcissists want to win each and every encounter with every person they come in contact with. If they encounter a person they consider of lower status they will grind them underfoot. If they are trying to suck up to someone they will be incredibly charming. Both situations have been 'won' by the narcissist. At home, a narcissist must 'win' relationships and uses relationships to supply reassurance of his or her own superiority. A spouse will get a lot of criticism and put downs and other emotional and psychological abuse. The narcissist will not take any personal responsibility for any of this, and will get angry if challenged by the spouse. Intimate relationships usually follow a pattern of idealisation followed by devaluing. There is no real respect and the only love is malign and self centered.

Pompous git. Tell him to fuck off. He'll be back though. After all the game's no fun if you won't play

I know this type only too well and I too fell into laughing at the ridiculous comments about other women. He was seeing my BF ? the whole time too. No doubt he will have been cheating. He is Lundy Bancroft's The Player.
Honestly just get rid. Lunatic.
Stop trying to change him by being reasonable or you will end up a mess.
Been there done that.
How dare he compare you to other women? You sound lovely.

I was going to add - there is currently a thread on relationships about narcissism which you might want to take a look at.

Oh, oh! I know this one!

He genuinely blind sighted me - not once but twice - and I find it so hard to understand why.

Because he is a lying playing shit bag who will say anything to women and "treat them like a lady" to get what he wants. Women are like a puzzle to be solved: which buttons do I press to get this one to blow me and tell me I'm awesome (how about I've got 250k in the bank?). It's not about getting to know each other.

He can't maintain it though, keeping up that facade is wearing. I bet he has a totally different set of behaviours when only around men.

And that's how he always is when he's said or done something hurtful.

Assholes can't admit dey assholes.

As to "why?", well apart from the most excellent descriptions of narcs above and your own reportage of the love bombing, etc (you're very switched on: be proud of that!), for some reason a memory of a psychological experiment is being tickled in my brain. Something about how some students were paid $20 to tell a lie, some paid only $1, and the ones who were paid less were more likely to believe it later on. Perhaps somebody wider than me can come along with the context, but it just feels to me like part of you knew all along that he as an entity was a lie that wasn't worth a dollar.

Right, been meaning to say this: as you know about the povk me dance, you probably know about Chump Lady. Re-read her article on kibbles - it'll keep you strong for when he pops up again.

And text us when you're bored!

Wiser, not wider. At the mo, the latter would be hard to achieve...

Choc - yes that's exactly right.

Aye - thank you. I did read that a while ago somewhere but I found ways to tell myself it didn't apply to him, even though the evidence was staring me in the face.

Preemptive - I will read her stuff. Again, I did read it a while ago, desperately looking for something to help me understand but again I found ways to discount it as soon as he was 'nice' to me - I wanted to believe the love bombing and not see it as manipulation.

Thanks everyone for your amazing support and comments. Really appreciated. Xx

He sounds a dick OP, good for you for spotting it!

00 7 bullshit

Lots of memories of his dickish - ness are surfacing now.

During the 5 mths of NC a mutual friend told me that in a previous relationship he had lied about his Mum having cancer to get out of the relationship. When his ex girlfriend found out it was a lie she went to town on him making sure everyone knew and he had to leave his then job (they had worked together). They had also lived together.

When he began love bombing me after 5 mths NC I brought this story up one day. He said everyone had 'got the wrong end of the stick', that his ex had just been hurt and angry with the relationship ending and made up a lot of stuff and that actually he'd never said his Mum had cancer.

A couple of weeks later he made the 'James Bomd' comment and referenced that ex in particular.

Like a fool, I believed him re the Mum story. Now I really see how naive I was. I have considered contacting her to compare experiences but it might be intrusive and maybe she just wants to totally forget. The difficult thing is having lost all sense of what is true or not because of hearing so much of his bullshit. So a reference point would be good. He always keeps friends very separate - I've only met his two 'best friends' a couple of times.

The alarm bells should have been deafening really I guess.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, don't blame yourself. He's a fool.

I do feel for you, it's horrible when the evidence mounts up and all you can do is feel exposed for not realising at the time. I've been in that situation myself. At least you found out early on what he's really like. Yes don't blame yourself.

My God - he's just texted me as though nothing at all has happened saying 'do you want to go and see xx film on Thurs at 5pm?'

WTAF??!!! What the hell do I do? Tell him to fuck off? I don't think he has any idea why I was upset. Either that or it's a total gas light.

Total gas lighting!!!!

Ghost him!

You do not have to reply right away, to anything!

Take your time, make him wait.

He wants you leaping when he throws you a crumb. Don't fall for it.

I suggest going total NC now while you think. Don't engage in any text messaging.

He has told you he was going for a drink with 'your nemesis' and cruelly taunted you and rubbed your nose right in it.

He is not stupid. If you go to the pics with him or act as if this didn't happen, it will legitimise it as ok and he will see you have no self respect and he can abuse you at will.

Ignore him, he doesn't need it spelling out that he's a manipulative twat. Make plans for Thursday that don't involve him and stay busy.

I agree. Ignore his texts and go out. You don't owe him an explanation!

Ignore!

Don't blame yourself.

I'm a no bullshit successful career woman with three kids and lots of life experience. I'm cynical and plain talking.

And I still didn't realise I was married to someone having affairs and flirtations right under my nose with my employees. I didn't see it, not really, and when I did I didn't want to believe it. It was only when someone I trusted suggested it to me that mists cleared and even then I believed him initially when he minimised.

I had no idea he was so damaged and no idea he was trashing me at the same time as begging for forgiveness. And did not see for a second that he would jump in front of a train over it all, and over the possible loss of a job he hadn't even bothered to do well.

I also feel like I was totally blind and stupid but you shouldn't. You've had a lucky escape precisely because you've seen him for what he is. If only I'd looked at these boards a year ago!

I do think the fact these people (who are prats really) can fool you so totally is such a hard, hard lesson. But it's important to remember they are good at it, because they have done it all their lives.

HoursOfFun, you sound strong, intelligent and quite wonderful. This man sounds like a narcissist.

I gave thirteen years of my life to one. Please get out now. You are worth so, so much better and I can guarantee that you will feel a heck of a lot more confident and lighthearted once he's out of your head and heart.