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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He picks my clothes . .

298 replies

Eyelashinmyeye · 09/05/2016 17:08

. .or at least tries to. Would you find this controlling? I quite liked it at first, as it felt like he was really paying attention to what suits me etc, but it has started to annoy me, and has almost caused arguments.

I told him I was looking online for new clothes and he made sure he saw them before I ordered. When I said that I was sending something back because I had seen a nicer one in the shops, he said 'can I see it first'?

Just trying to get an idea if this is controlling, or if you would find it a bit annoying/odd?

OP posts:
glassgarden · 10/05/2016 16:33

Fortunately he took offense at something my mother said and told me to choose between them both
I love it when you get an ultimatum which gives you just the way out you were looking for:o

It's so classic isnt it....the man who overplays his hand like that, so little idea of how you really feel that he cant image you not choosing him

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 16:38

I know glass!

in (slightly) happier times, we would be having a joke, and I would say something like 'well I would be out the door if you did that' . . he was always so sure with his response of 'you wouldn't go anywhere'

now im in the position of almost wanting him to do something wrong or give me an ultimatum, so that it makes things easier.

I know that I don't need that to happen for me to leave by the way . .enough has already happened . . ,but it would make things a tad easier, as hes being so god damn nice!!

OP posts:
glassgarden · 10/05/2016 16:44

he was always so sure with his response
that kind of thing is galling I agree, but it can be seen as a good thing, it means he underestimates you and just generally isnt smart enough to outwit you.

Dont let him know that you find him transparent, play dumb/keep your powder dry and hopefully you can keep the stress to a minimum.
You're not beholden to him, you dont need to spend your time with somone who makes you feel stressed

wombattoo · 10/05/2016 16:50

Good luck Eyelash Thanks

mix56 · 10/05/2016 16:52

Of course, more EA behaviour from the EA handbook :
the cycle of reeling you back in by being pleasant/apologies after pushing the EA behaviour, whether sulking, silent treatment, dominating, ......

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 16:52

you are exactly right there glass

there is no point telling him that I find him transparent, as it would achieve nothing, and will make the situation far more stressful.

I have to remember that he wont see the error of his ways, and will most definitely not acknowledge that his behaviour is anywhere near abusive. so whats the point in discussing it?

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 10/05/2016 16:55

If it helps this is how I left.

We were due to travel several hours drive away to a funeral, his distant relative. I said I would go but knew I wouldn't. On the morning we were due to leave I said I couldn't come. He tried to persuade me but I just point blank refused. He didn't want to lose face in front of his family so he left.

I waited about 10 minutes then phoned my parents. My dad answered and I just said please come and get me. I ran around the house throwing stuff into bags, and waited for about 40 minutes. I was utterly terrified that he would return in that time. I left no note and never phoned him.

On his return he came to my parents house. He was practically begging me to come back. I just stood there and kept saying no, no explanation. Eventually he gave up and left. I had some further contact as we owned a property together, but I never once thought about returning.

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 16:58

dusters . . .thanks for sharing. I've been really curious as to how people leave. I know I just need to do it, so im not really looking for tips, I guess im just interested.

you must have been so worried that he would turn around and come back whilst you were waiting for your dad!

OP posts:
HormonalHeap · 10/05/2016 16:58

If it was only the case that he likes to pick your clothes I'd be fine with that- the fact you dread him coming home says it all. You are so, so fortunate you don't have children with this man- I wasted 20 years of my life with someone like this.

My now dh loves helping me chose my clothes as he gets pleasure from it. And sad as it sounds, the highlight of my day is him coming home. You know you have to leave. Just find the courage to do it. I guarantee in a few years you'll be on this board giving the same advice.

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 17:06

thanks hormonal . .yes I totally agree, and I wouldn't have posted here if I was totally happy, apart from the clothes thing. In a good, healthy relationship, I would be able to say 'I value your opinion, but I do really like to pick my own clothes' . . . but I couldn't.

I need to keep thinking of all the things I can do when single! catching up with friends, making my own plans, maybe even a holiday with my mum.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 10/05/2016 17:09

D'you know what Eyelash, it was 14 years ago, and I can still recall the feeling as I sat at the window waiting.

This is why your thread has resonated with me so much. I too was unmarried and childless at the time, yet despite that I just couldn't break away. It's a scary place to find yourself, but I think you have insight and a clear mind to be able to end this now. I have learnt a huge amount from what I went through, but the price I paid at the time and for some time after was too high.

Just stay calm, be very practical, talk to your family and friends.

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 17:13

thanks dusters . . my mind feels very clear. the thing that has kept me going today is the thought of never having a family. I could never start one with him, and if I stay with him for any longer then I may run the risk of never meeting someone nice and having all the good stuff with.

that has been my driving force all day. im also going to use the posts on this thread to give me strength. xx

OP posts:
HormonalHeap · 10/05/2016 17:19

Those things your planning to do when single will just be the beginning- you'll meet a normal, decent partner and want to go back in time just to shake yourself. The longer you procrastinate the harder it is. Get those papers together out the house, get the ball rolling and make it happen. I agree, confide in as many people as you can, it will feed your strength. All the luck in the world.

emilybrontescorset · 10/05/2016 17:24

Hi eyelash

I just wanted to add to the thread.
I was in a similar position to you, my ex always commented on my clothes. At first I was flattered and bought clothes he liked because I wanted to please him and he seemed to really appreciate me.

He even told me what underwear to buy.
I didn't spot the red flags.
He asked me to buy a house with him and we began the process but ( luckily) it fell through.
He moved into my house and it lasted a week before me and my dcs could stand it any longer.
He tried controlling my dc
He took down photographs of my dc.

I ended it.
He begged to come back.

I'm glad you can see what is happening within your relationship.

My ex asked me to marry him and change my name to his.
I said no.

It all begins very subtly and before you realise you think wtf is happening here.

Good luck op.
Please never doubt your gut instinct.

nicenewdusters · 10/05/2016 17:24

Good for you, we'll be thinking of you and cheering you on.

I was told by my ex that I wouldn't be able to look after children.

I have two now, they're brilliant, and being a mum has been the best thing ever. This is a good thing for you to focus on. The idea he could take the possibility away from you is reason enough to leave on it's own.

DoreenLethal · 10/05/2016 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 10/05/2016 17:28

Hi everyone - we're sorry to say that we have taken a closer look into this poster and we do have some doubts. Thank you for the reports.

nicenewdusters · 10/05/2016 17:32

Doreen : that's awesome, how gutted must he have been ?!!

I love it when what goes around does sometimes come around.

OurBlanche · 10/05/2016 17:32

Oh! Hugs to all who may have felt empathy and feel let down now xx

nicenewdusters · 10/05/2016 17:34

Well I wasn't expecting that !!

This has been a really interesting thread though, and hopefully the advice and comments on it will be of use to others.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/05/2016 17:35

You have written a few times that you hope your confidence to leave him remains.

What would stop you leaving or bring you back? How will you handle whatever that is?

DoreenLethal · 10/05/2016 17:37

Doreen : that's awesome, how gutted must he have been

I know.

The best bit is I invested it in the Icelandic bank that went bust [it was a fair chunk] and got more in interest than my savings ever were before the sale. It is still propping me up today 10 years later. I got the full amount the night the Icelandic banks went bust, I transferred the lot 2 hours before they stopped money going out [it still took 3 months to get to me but I beat the deadline] and was still earning interest on the interest until last year.

nicenewdusters · 10/05/2016 17:38

RunRabbit: MNHQ have commented on this thread. Seems the OP is not what we thought.

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 10/05/2016 17:39

We were just having a look through the thread and there's a lot of support and advice - of course we do generally delete, but would any of you like it left up?

nicenewdusters · 10/05/2016 17:42

Doreen: MNHQ have commented that the OP may not be what she seemed. For what it's worth, just hearing your story and the amazing outcome has made the thread worthwhile !