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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He picks my clothes . .

298 replies

Eyelashinmyeye · 09/05/2016 17:08

. .or at least tries to. Would you find this controlling? I quite liked it at first, as it felt like he was really paying attention to what suits me etc, but it has started to annoy me, and has almost caused arguments.

I told him I was looking online for new clothes and he made sure he saw them before I ordered. When I said that I was sending something back because I had seen a nicer one in the shops, he said 'can I see it first'?

Just trying to get an idea if this is controlling, or if you would find it a bit annoying/odd?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 10/05/2016 09:43

Wow, his Spidey Sense really is tingling.

Remember though that being the boss is his default setting, and eventually the needle will swing back. It's hard for him to do the love bombing thing, and can't last long because of the effort it costs him.

And underneath of course he's probably a bit narked that he's feeling he has to do it at all, just so you'll come out of your "mood".

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 09:48

You all hit the nail on the head with every post.

Elspeth - yes yes yes! If I don't reciprocate the 'love bombing' then I can feel an edge to his mood. I will be doing the dishes, and he is literally hanging off my back. if I don't turn around, or respond in some way, he will go momentarily quiet, or leave the room for 5 minutes.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 10/05/2016 09:53

the thought of not being with him doesn't worry me or make me sad

That sentence tells you everything you need to know op.

Can one of your parents or a friend just go with you to be there while you pack all your things and leave in one go. Seems pointless to me to pussyfoot around and go bit by bit.
Are you afraid of his reaction? If so, having someone with you is the best option.

WellErrr · 10/05/2016 09:53

Did it start since you posted this?

I bet you anything he's seen it.

Baconyum · 10/05/2016 09:58

Please please be careful, I would not recommend saying anything to him until you're safely away.

This is how my father started on my mum 40+ years ago. No MN or similar then unfortunately. So no understanding of how these things worked. He first became violent while she was pregnant with me. By the time she realised it genuinely would have been too dangerous to leave. She's now totally ground down, early 70's and if she's 5 minutes late she gets accused of infidelity still!

Get your essentials together and get out and make sure where you go is safe.

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 10:03

Wellerrr . . .I can see why you think that - but I genuinely don't think he knows I even look on MN.

I think my attitude towards him has changed, and he has picked up on it. it has happened before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 10:22

'ijustwannadance' . . .im not scared of his reaction in a physical sense, but I know that it could get nasty and he will def make me feel like im in the wrong. feeling stressed just thinking about it.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 10/05/2016 10:29

Glad you're starting to make plans. One piece of advice - never look to him to validate your concerns. He's never going to get it because you've finally hit on the right way of explaining things - take it from someone who tried many, many times.

Yes, he'll be nasty and yes, he'll make you feel in the wrong. Your best defence is not to be there and not to engage in any post-up dialogue with him. There's nothing at all to be gained from it. If you need validation, look to rl friends and family and on her - never, ever from him.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/05/2016 10:33

The dyeing of hair comment has hit me round head. Two weeks after I left my violent ex I dyed my hair. I thought I had been doing a nice thing having it the colour he liked. I vaguely remember at the time feeling rebellious but also silly and unsure when I coloured it (blonde to red-brunette). The next day I met DH..

Eyelash - do you have any burly mates or strong no nonsense friends that will swoop in, help you pack and get you out?

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 10:34

thanks biblio . .I'm going to stick with the 'im not happy, so im leaving' line, and im not going to go into anything any further with him. there is absolutely no point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 10:38

I can feel myself wanting to do the break up rebellion thing already. die my hair, buy new clothes etc.

basically treat myself

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 10/05/2016 10:47

Nah, keep your powder dry.

It'd be fun, but only temporarily. You wouldn't be able to stop your mouth going "SEE??? See what I can do??"

And it would throw him back onto a "wounded & deeply misunderstood" position. And he'd leave you feeling childish and foolish.

Not bloody worth it!

readingrainbow · 10/05/2016 10:48

You're in my thoughts, OP. You can do this - it's such a good sign that you are already making plans for your new life. Keep going.

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 10:56

I know what you mean Elspeth, and I most definitely don't want to lose my dignity here.

anything I do (ie, dye hair etc) will be for myself, rather than to make him feel bad.

OP posts:
WriteforFun1 · 10/05/2016 11:23

Eyelash, I'm really glad you are planning to leave him.

I hope you will take some time to think about what happens in future. If you can't just be you in a relationship, what's the point. Also, I'd be asking how did you get here - for a man you don't care much about anyway from the sounds of it.

not saying it's bad that you don't care for him - it's just it suggests to me you went along with the societal norm that we're all supposed to pair off and it's natural etc etc and it is a form of brainwashing, it's so insidious, this expectation that we are all in the fucking ark.

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 11:28

thanks write . . .I am thinking a lot about that today, and will continue to evaluate how I got here and why.

i am quite laid back, and i do tend to 'go with the flow' he offered for me to move in, and at the time i just thought 'why not?' . . that, along with the fact that i didn't actually have many options for my living situation, meant that i just did it.

if im honest with myself, i have been anxious and stressed a lot in this relationship. there have been very good times too, but deep down, i haven't been myself.

OP posts:
glassgarden · 10/05/2016 11:47

Escape while you still can OP!

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 11:50

thanks everyone for all your posts. this thread seemed to get a life of its own really quickly. it just goes to show how many people are effected by ea partners.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 10/05/2016 12:02

So glad to see the plans you're making Eyelash.

I agree with the pp who suggested gradually (next couple of days?) taking your documents and most personal things to work. Then, without telling him anything, go with at least one other person and collect the rest of your stuff. You can say there and then that it's not working for you and you're leaving. My gut instinct is that he won't create a fuss in front of somebody else.

You owe him nothing, not even an explanation. He won't believe anything you say and it won't change his behaviour in the future.

This looks harsh written down, but remember the words you posted earlier - "I feel guilty if I want to see my mum". I remember this feeling. He's a grade A bastard, he deserves nothing but to see the back of your head as you walk out the door.

You can do this.

glassgarden · 10/05/2016 12:12

He thinks he's playing 'softly softly catchee monkey'......

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 12:13

thanks 'dusters . . . .

I really do need to stay strong and stick to this. im determined to just do it. I've told friends and family before that im going to leave, but then haven't, so I feel like I have to put the wheels in motion and get started before I tell anyone, as they probably wont believe me!

I think you have a point about taking someone with me.

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WriteforFun1 · 10/05/2016 12:16

eyelash "i am quite laid back, and i do tend to 'go with the flow' he offered for me to move in, and at the time i just thought 'why not?' . . that, along with the fact that i didn't actually have many options for my living situation, meant that i just did it."

I think you're minimising the second part there. He offered some form of rescue did he? Financial? You need to ponder that one. Where will you go btw?

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 12:19

write . . .yes I guess he did. I had been living away and wanted to move back to the area.

I'm going to my mums. i haven't told her yet!

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mix56 · 10/05/2016 12:22

O Lord, the comments I got when I borrowed a stunning fuchsia silk dress & jacket from my best friend, to go to my brother's wedding, he didn't like it, why was I borrowing from friend ? (never mind the total logic, of not finding anything I liked, not wanting to buy something dressy that I would not wear often & not having the money)
He accused me of being manipulated, she was influencing me (as if he wasn't trying to)
The scene at the wedding because I was talking to new SIL's brother, (yes family wedding, you talk to new family) leaving wedding early as a result (then he wanted sex refused)
The criticism, the constant feeling of dread when he came home....

Go home asap. don't look back

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 12:27

mix . . . .luckily mine doesn't seem to be jealous at all.

I so know what you mean about dreading him coming home. I don't dread it because im scared of him as such, but its just the effort I feel like I have to make. I don't feel relaxed at all.

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