He picks my clothes . .

[Eyelashinmyeye]

. .or at least tries to. Would you find this controlling? I quite liked it at first, as it felt like he was really paying attention to what suits me etc, but it has started to annoy me, and has almost caused arguments.

I told him I was looking online for new clothes and he made sure he saw them before I ordered. When I said that I was sending something back because I had seen a nicer one in the shops, he said 'can I see it first'?

Just trying to get an idea if this is controlling, or if you would find it a bit annoying/odd?

I just want to say well done and best of luck eyelash.
You might look back on this with a shudder but you're getting away before marriage or children make your situation more difficult.
There is nothing to be gained by trying to make him understand your decision , just be vague but firm , anything else gives him the opportunity to tell you why you are wrong.
Do it quickly , don't tell you're leaving and stay another night , I'd be afraid how he might react.
If he ever leaves the house you could just pack and go you know , don't feel guilty , he doesn't care about anyone but himself .

"walking on egg shells",
primo symptom of EA

but you have found yourself isolated from family & friends = jealous

Glad to hear you are taking action, OP. Good luck and don't let him reel you back in.

mix - it's weird though isn't it, as he actually hasn't specifically said anything to stop me spending time with friends/family, nor has he outwardly made me feel guilty. I just feel that way.

It doesn't matter if your reasons are bollocks (they're not). You are not obligated to stay in any relationship which doesn't put a spring in your step. He's not going to like it, whatever reason you give, but he's a big boy and can just get over it.

The time spent with family and friends is time not spent with him - and he pulls you up on it if you're with him and not giving him your full and adoring attention. That is how he makes you feel guilty about time with family and friends.

The drift away from people you used to be close to is something you don't notice until you find yourself not invited to your brother's wedding or realise you've no one to lean on when you really need it.

Just another one saying get out , now, don't talk to him, don't even shake the dust off your heels!

I still can't believe im in this situation!

Oh yes, granted eyelash, its the trying to appease, not to upset or cause waves, avoiding the silent treatment & disapproval ...... more EA
There is absolutely no doubt that this will escalate if you stay & God forbid the upping the ante if you had a child.

Anyway, excellent that you are strong & lucid enough to feel this isn't right. Well Done. Most women in an EA relationship don't or can't see what is happening until way too late, have no money, nowhere to go, kids in tow.....

I'm so glad that we haven't got any ties like kids/marriage.

scary to think that we have talked about it though.

although deep down, I don't think I have ever been able to see myself have kids with him, or marry him.

So glad you are taking steps to leave him he sounds a lot like my nit-picking and controlling ex.

I married mine and had three children so unfortunately contact is ongoing. Well done for getting out early. You sound like you have your head properly screwed on.

thanks . . .I do feel strangely confident and as though I have finally seen the light. I just hope it lasts.

Another one here who has been there. There are small variations of course, mine didn't choose my clothes, mine moved in with me almost immediately because I too am laid back and go with the flow. Different ways of alienating you from friends and family too. Mine was a bit like yours, just jealous of any time I spent with other people.

And I too was lucky to get away after a year and a half. Go OP, it gets harder the longer you stay.

so did you kick him out Atenco?

im interested to know how your break up went. was it one thing that tipped you over the edge to finish it?

Just tell him how you feel!!! He might not realise it upsets you.
I choose all my DHs clothes but he's never called me controlling.
If he carries in doing it even when you've told him it upsets you, then yes it's controlling

Just to add to previous posts about jealousy/family/friends.

These type of men don't explicitly say that they don't want you having close relationships with others i.e competing with them for your affection/time. It's the death by a thousand cuts again - a look, a comment, a sigh, being difficult/moody when you go or come back from seeing other people. They don't have the nerve to actually say it out loud (although I guess some do) rather they wear you down.

I also left my ea ex several times, but kept going back, reeled in by his little boy lost act. My family had given up hope that I would leave, and quite rightly each time said you'll go back. Still, down the line they were the ones who helped me leave and supported me. Yours will too, and I bet they'll be delighted.

dusters . .that is absolutely the case with my relationship. if I say that im going to a friends house (especially if it is for the night), then I get a disappointed look, and sometimes 'oh, but I thought we could go for a nice meal together' . .then I feel bad and end up cancelling my friend!

I am confident that you can do this now, eyelash. Your posts show an intelligence of recognizing the dynamic and are not full of "but I love him" and "I don't know..." or "he'll be so hurt" kind of feelings. You do not sound emotionally enmeshed with him. It is the process of becoming emotionally detached that can be so hard to do in these circumstances: to stop caring what he thinks. It sounds like you are there.

You said you have told friends you were leaving before-so you have been thinking about it for a while. This isn't "sudden". Thinking about it-step one. Talking about it-step two. Doing it-step three. Your posts do sound confident; it is just rather administrative at this point, don't you think? Make the check list (suggestions above) and tend to it.

I agree with the Katie Holmes style of exit. I would even get a new phone/phone number so he can not harass you.
You owe him no explanation. You are breaking it off. He is a big boy and can figure it out. Anything you say can and will be used against you. It truly is best to say nothing. He may bleat about needing "closure", but no, his behavior has invalidated any such common courtesy. He was well committed to the road of completely destroying your mental health. Remember that, and you will not waver.

Good luck. Do not speak to him about it, or mistakenly lay some pertinent information lying about. "Loose lips sink ships" . I don't mean to alarm you, but you really do not know him that well as to what his reaction verbal/physical/retaliation might be.

thank-you for your post bandplayedon . . yes I have told friends before that I am leaving. I have been unhappy for some time.

I really appreciate your words, and I do feel strong about everything. i have had time to look at the relationship and decide if it's what i want. in the meantime, my feelings have actually changed towards him. i look at him differently and i don't want to hug or be intimate with him. i always used to wonder why i couldn't just leave, but i guess you have to do it when you are ready. I am ready - i really am.

and yes, i agree with his reaction being unpredictable. i dreamt last night that he was just grabbing stuff out my hands when i was trying to pack.

first off, remove any important paperwork, valuables. take a small bag of clothes with you every day. leave at work, or at your Mums, do not leave in a "safe place" in the home. if he says you should wear something, say its at the dry cleaners/needs hemming/ etc.
if you have your own car, wait for a day when he is out load & leave. if not taxi stuff to a friend/work place.
if he feels you are withdrawing, you must make sure you log out, clear history & change passwords, change settings on fb, any cloud or joint accounts.

thank-you . .yes, I have my own car, so moving stuff wont be a problem.

starting to get a bit nervous

if I say that im going to a friends house (especially if it is for the night), then I get a disappointed look, and sometimes 'oh, but I thought we could go for a nice meal together' . .then I feel bad and end up cancelling my friend!

Whao, that was us, until the day that I insisted on going to see my friend and then there was a big scene. I reckon he thought that I didn't love him anymore because I would no longer cancel.

How I split up? Well, we went on to rent together elsewhere and he wouldn't agree to move out. Fortunately he took offense at something my mother said and told me to choose between them both, which wasn't hard and that was him gone.

Well my mum has said quite a lot!! but not to his face :)