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Original poster

He picks my clothes . .

298 replies

Eyelashinmyeye · 09/05/2016 17:08

. .or at least tries to. Would you find this controlling? I quite liked it at first, as it felt like he was really paying attention to what suits me etc, but it has started to annoy me, and has almost caused arguments.

I told him I was looking online for new clothes and he made sure he saw them before I ordered. When I said that I was sending something back because I had seen a nicer one in the shops, he said 'can I see it first'?

Just trying to get an idea if this is controlling, or if you would find it a bit annoying/odd?

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 09/05/2016 22:27

I've just read the whole thread OP. I have been where you are.

Moved in after a year, partner was several years older than me. I was young, naive, trusting, in love. Then bang - it started. It's really quite terrifying. I left one day after 6 months, as I knew deep down things weren't right. But he always said things would work out, he could be so nice. Then bang - it would all start again.

We never married, had no children, but I just couldn't make the break. He wore me down, nearly destroyed me, in the end my dad rescued me - years later. He had controlled me to such an extent I was afraid for him to know what book I was reading - always belittled. If I went to bed at a different time I was being difficult if it didn't suit him. I could go on for pages..............

I didn't listen to the people around me. I didn't want to admit defeat, thought/hoped he would change. I wish I'd had Mumsnet then. I learnt my lessons and have become a much stronger person.

He should cherish you for who and what you are. You should be relaxed in his presence and feel an equal part of the relationship. If you have already changed your behaviour to avoid any fallout the damage has begun. You seriously need to leave. Don't try and analyse him, wonder what you could do to make things better. Just make the necessary arrangements, and take yourself and your peace of mind far away from him.

NapQueen · 09/05/2016 22:30

Errr could he know you are on here?

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 09/05/2016 22:32

I dont think so NapQueen. I use my phone & work computer. He doesn't have access to either x

OP posts:
GoldfishCrackers · 09/05/2016 22:34

There's a phrase used about coercive control: "it's not what he does to her it's what he doesn't allow her to do". He's not allowing you to do some fundamental things.
This is a tough realisation for youFlowers but it's good that you've spotted this now, and not a few years and a few children down the line.

WriteforFun1 · 09/05/2016 22:35

Can't abide clinginess. I bet he sees it as a sign of devotion.

Def makes sure you've a passcode on your phone that's not easy to guess.

NapQueen · 09/05/2016 22:37

He doesn't need your device to see your thread it's a public forum. All he needs to know is that you MN and do a bit of a search.

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 09/05/2016 22:40

Im pretty sure he doesn't know. I dont really use my phone around him, & its not something ive ever mentioned xx

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 09/05/2016 22:41

x posted with your last OP.

You mention the constant nit-picking - that's absolutely it !

He didn't like the way I hung the washing on the airer.

I shouldn't use a tea towel, let things dry naturally.

Always tear certain plastic packaging a certain way else it harms the wildlife when discarded.

Don't drink x coffee, they have a bad human rights record.

If you're a normal person - as you and I are - when the person you love says and does these things it's such a massive disconnect it messes with your head.

Now my reaction would be fk o, I'll do it as I please, then exit stage left. But that's because I've lived through it.

And you know the real killer in all this - they're the weak one, not you. He wants the power and the control because that's all he's got in the locker. You've already rumbled him, so you're way ahead of the game, believe me.

Primaryteach87 · 09/05/2016 22:44

My husband is really good at shopping and picks lovely clothes as presents now and again for me. If I ask he would give his opinion BUT he would never pick my clothes daily or belittle clothes I wear. I think that very abnormal even for a 'fashion conscious' man.

It does sound very controlling to me and is one of those red flags, I hope you take it seriously and get out.

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 09/05/2016 22:44

Omg dusters! That could be me writing those things. Hold it like this when you pour, dont use that cloth to wipe the kitchen, you didnt close this properly!,ahhhhhhh!

OP posts:
adorably2014 · 09/05/2016 22:45

My now exh used to 'suggest' I didn't wear this or that, or would buy me clothes he liked as gifts and make me feel bad for not wearing them. Not everyday, nor everything but he'd get annoyed if what he bought wasn't worn. He'd actually buy me a lot. He liked my hair tied a certain way too. He 'banned' me from wearing certain colours of nail varnish too. At the time, I thought he cared or was just fussy, I changed my behaviour because he was less unpleasant when things went his way. It was a huge mistake. He was only pleasant until the next thing. I also moved in with him very quickly. He was very controlling. It's only after I had my first child with him that I realised what a mess I was in. It escalated. That's all.

Don't discuss his behaviour with him. At best he might apologise and look surprised or hurt and maybe seem like he's changed for a few weeks/months but he will do it again, or find something else. I would make plans to leave and then tell him you're finished once you're out of reach.

Oh as an aside - my exh doesn't really have a clue about fashion, neither was he really interested. He just wanted to have the power. I doubt your bf really knows what suits you either.

FetchezLaVache · 09/05/2016 22:46

OMG Eyelash, it's starting to sound like Sleeping With The Enemy...

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 09/05/2016 22:50

The fact that, before you bottled out of buying clothes online, altogether, you considered telling him that you were doing it, shows what an awful grip he has on your psyche already.

I don't tell DH I'm going to go and buy some clothes. OK, I might muse, out loud, that I need some new jeans, but generally I walk into a shop, buy clothes, mention it afterwards. Occasionally might see something that I like and know he'd like, for him, in a sale, and snag it and take it home. If he doesn't like it, it gets taken back again.

nicenewdusters · 09/05/2016 23:04

Interesting that you recognised some of my experiences as similar to your own. This whole thread has brought back some pretty grim memories for me.

Perhaps the following will be helpful.

My ex was also "clingy". He always liked to hold hands and sit together. Even if he didn't want to go somewhere, rather than have me go on my own he'd come along and be miserable/difficult/quiet.

He often found fault with my family and friends, and eventually I preferred him not to be around them. Of course I also ended up seeing them less.

He always had something negative to say about my choices in life; music, books, politics, films, hobbies. Just little throw away remarks, never a big row about anything. I was once reading a leaflet about training to be a social worker. He said why did I want to be a white middle class person stealing working class people's children ? Charmer, eh ?!!

He was actually I think just terrified of life, and I was the life raft.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/05/2016 23:10

What are the practicalities of leaving him? Do you have somewhere to go?

expatinscotland · 09/05/2016 23:11

What everyone else said. This is a no-go. There's no nipping this in the bud. Use your work computer to get another place to live or your work phone to ring any friend or family. Take a day off, and move the fuck out. No talking, you cannot negotiate with a person like this. You need to leave and cut off all contact.

You owe him nothing.

This is how it starts.

If you were my daughter, I'd drop everything to get your stuff out of there whilst he was at work.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/05/2016 23:15

Yup. Controlling.

DoreenLethal · 09/05/2016 23:20

Aye, what are your options?

AnyFucker · 09/05/2016 23:29

Clingy ? Ten month old babies are "clingy". Men who are clingy are trying to exert control over you, bombard you with love bombs so you don't notice what actual pricks they are and keep you right in your place.

You have had good advice on this thread. I recommend you take it while you still have a spark of rebellion left.

daisychain01 · 10/05/2016 04:37

Clothes selecting should be consensual. ie

fine for you or him to ask for an opinion does my bum look big in this does this top go with these trousers/skirt, I can't make up my mind.

Not fine for either person to be the sole decision-maker as it's disempowering and demeaning

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 07:07

Interesting how many people have experience of stuff like this, & the fact that 'this is how it starts'

My life would actually be easier if I left. I could live closer to work &,would have a lot more time (long commute) to have fun &,socialise with friends/family (who I have neglected recently)

OP posts:
ponygirlcurtis · 10/05/2016 07:25

Sorry to hear you are finding yourself in this situation Eyelash. Control like this is so insidious, it's like death by a thousand cuts, yet any one of those cuts is so small in isolation that it's not easy to notice what's happening (and when you do it's easy to brush them off and minimise).

There has been a thread going for a while - very little traffic recently but lots of great online resources in the OP that you might find helpful. [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2360895-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-thread-31]

Original poster
Eyelashinmyeye · 10/05/2016 07:30

Thank you Pony, i'll take a look. Death by a thousand cuts sounds right.

Although I feel strong about things today. I feel like I have a second wind, & I can see how good (& stress free) my life could be

OP posts:
WellErrr · 10/05/2016 07:33

My life would actually be easier if I left.

This says a lot.