He picks my clothes . .

[Eyelashinmyeye]

. .or at least tries to. Would you find this controlling? I quite liked it at first, as it felt like he was really paying attention to what suits me etc, but it has started to annoy me, and has almost caused arguments.

I told him I was looking online for new clothes and he made sure he saw them before I ordered. When I said that I was sending something back because I had seen a nicer one in the shops, he said 'can I see it first'?

Just trying to get an idea if this is controlling, or if you would find it a bit annoying/odd?

Friends and family...who I have neglected recently

Another controlling tactic...resulting in you spending more time with him. Lovely him. The centre of the universe.

Start looking for somewhere else to live today love. You could be out and free by the weekend.

You're actually fortunate compared to some women in your position... No marriage, no kids, and moving out would actually be more convenient than staying.

You're probably going to tell him what is on your mind, either to give him a chance to change or to explain why you're leaving.

He won't be able to understand. Prepare for headfuckery.

That is my worry. The actual conversation. Hes going to be really shocked, & will say that my reasons are bollocks (his response in ANY argument when I tell him how I feel).

I feel like it would be easier to just say that im not happy & my feelings have changed?

Doreen, yes ive def fallen into that. I feel guilty if I want to see my mum. Mainly because its awkward, as he isnt really invited.

PLEASE get out of there by the weekend. Get your family to help you move. You don't owe him the actual conversation, because, as you said, he'll gaslight you and tell you you're talking bollocks. 'I'm not happy and my feelings have changed' is enough but you really need to prepare to do this in a setting where he has no opportunity to talk you down because he always has form for this - such as meeting at a cafe after your stuff is safely OUT of there.

This person is classica EA (emotional abuser) and as so many have shared here, this is how it starts and you need to leave.

He is always there though. How do I move my stuff when hes there?

Can you get friends/family to help you get your stuff out?
I was in a EA relationship, I stayed too long. Long enough for me to doubt every single decision I made. Long enough for me to blame myself when he physically assaulted me.
Please get out.

I got goosebumps reading your story, I was you 7 years ago. I remember vividly the feeling of never getting anything right - but not knowing what the rules were.

I left, but went back. And then it got so much worse. I'm free now but as we now have a child he's using the courts to try and control me.

I don't have the panic attacks and the extreme anxiety any more though, and DD and I love our little life together. We no longer have to hide away upstairs while he smashes the house up because I took her to visit family, or we were 15 minutes late home, or I went on mumsnet.

In terms of moving, you turn up with a van and people to help and you do it without any comment. As long as there are other people there he won't do anything. If you want, leave him a letter explaining - but that's it. No more contact.

Doesn't he work? If not then I think you either need to consider just leaving everything and starting afresh. Take anything personal like photographs etc to work bit by bit if you can but clothes, make up and music etc can all be replaced and don't really matter in long run.

You need to leave sooner rather than later while you're feeling strong. It's Tuesday today - is there any reason you couldn't leave by Friday?

Show him the new trainers you'll be buying for when you run far far away from him!!!

Does he not work outside of the house? Have any hobbies or events that he attends? If not and he really is home all the time then your best option may be to arrange somewhere new to live and then just have friends and family turn up on the day to help you get your stuff, giving him no warning.

Him being clingy last night sounds like he's sensed a change in you. He will probably be absolutely lovely to you for a while (love bombing), which is part of the cycle of abuse. Keep strong and don't think he's changed or that you were imagining it because you aren't and he hasn't.

what is love bombing? from the sound of it - I think that is what is happening. he is being sickly sweet.

I don't want to give too much away on here (in case im outed), but he is self employed, so chooses his hours/days - but at the moment he has been taking on less work.

I think im going to start bringing my stuff to work this week (clothes etc). I could do that quite easily. I don't have any furniture, so I don't think I would need a van.

It won't take long before you start doubting your own abilities and you will believe you can't do anything without him helping. I wish I had recognised the traits earlier.

You already knew it's not right because you posted the question on here, go with your gut instinct, listen to that little voice.

Need more information. On what grounds does he reject clothes? Too sexy? Not sexy enough?

Ooops thread moved on while I was reading!

Could you stay at your mum's for a couple of weeks? If he works out of the house take some time off and grab what you need and just go.

yes I could stay at mums. I think that's what the plan is. I just need to get my head straight and make sure I stay strong.

Yes I was going to suggest moving your stuff to work little by little. Especially if you have a car.

OP - another who had the 'low level' controlling boyfriend when younger - I was lucky that it was at uni so we weren't able to move in together before I realised and ended it.

The fact he seems your feelings and reasons for being upset as 'bollocks' is another red flag - he doesn't believe you have a right to your own opinions, if he doesn't feel something then it doesn't matter.

Take what you need to work, anything valuable/sentimental value get out this week. Are you talking about a car load of stuff? Can you talk to your Mum and arrange for her to come over and help you pack up when you go? Or another friend if it's too embarrassing to ask your mum.

Get your stuff ready and tell him as you go, no telling him one evening then going another - controlling people rarely react well to having control of a situation removed from them.

One to add - get a postal redirect to your parent's place ASAP - get paperwork out, change passwords on online banking, facebook, emails etc and do all this before he realises it's over. Assume the worse.

Good luck!

I think that is going to be the best option. he is usually still in bed when I leave for work. apart from the last couple of mornings when he has got up and made me a cup of tea?!!

Sorry, can't link on my phone but google "love bombing in relationships"

oh and to add - beware you might "rebel" afterwards! I'd had the "clothes controlling" going on for longer than you, and looking back at the photos, for the 6-12 months afterwards, I dressed just in clothes he'd hate, but still wasn't dressing "for me", if that makes sense, it was still with him in my head, just picking what he'd hate rather than what I liked/suited me.

Very controlling no man has the right to tell you what clothes to wear, he sound VERY insecure, I couldn't stay with a man like him.

Any chance you could get together really important stuff like passport, bank cards and statements, driving licence etc and put them in your handbag? Anything else can wait

yes penfold, I can definitely do that.

dinosaur . .funny you should say that - I have been thinking about dying my hair as soon as we have split up!