Am I right to text this woman?

[deutschland83]

Work colleague of DHs, unsolicited messages on his phone. Late night texts when's she's out. Latest is a picture of underwear laid out.

I want to tell her to fuck off.

Should I?

He doesn't know I have seen them.

One thing at least is that if he's texting her at 1 am then he's not with her.

OP - first - do NOT communicate with her - do not dignify her with that.
Assume your DH is complicit.
You deal with HIM, not her.
Assuming he has been having an affair - what outcome do you?
Reconciliation or divorce?
Work backwards from there.

Read up on cheaters script op so you know what you might be in for:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1825902-Whats-the-script-for-a-cheater-who-has-been-caught

So he's deleting his (incriminating) replies but archiving the (titillating) messages from her?

Turn to him and just say 'I know what's going on' and see his reaction.
Please don't text her...in a fit of absolute rage and upset I did and looking back now I looked like a right twat and she never even replied-making me look like an even bigger
Twat ( shameful doesn't even come close )
Good luck xx

I'm sorry, it's just awful. Gut churningly horrible.

I wish I'd had MN when it happened to me, it might have saved me a hell of a lot of 'trying to sort it out/work it out'.

Just remember he will deny, minimise, eventually only admit what he knows you know...you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, even though you'll want to.

If I had my time over, I'd go and pack a bag for him, hand it to him and simply say 'You know why, don't even bother lying to me, just go. We can tell the children at the weekend, I'll call you to arrange a time'. Stay strong and don't budge. Everytime he goes to speak, just tell him you are not even remotely interested in anything he has to say right now.

It won't be easy, but holding onto your composure & dignity will mean a lot to YOU down the road.

You can fall apart AFTER he leaves x

...and for God sake, do NOTHING with regard to her. It might feel good for a short while, but that doesn't last. In the long run it's just humiliating and that's what YOU will remember. If I can't set a good example, please let me be a warning! X

Don't text her. Speak to him, after you've voted, instead.

And remember. There was a guy called Von Moltke who once said something along the lines of 'No battle plan survives contact with the enemy'. If things don't turn out as you thought they would, there will likely be people here pretty late to talk to.

I'm so sorry xxxxx

I would also try and screenshot the texts (and maybe her contact info showing number etc), send them to your own number as picture messages and then delete the record from your husband's 'sent messages'. I know you can do this on iPhones, you must be able to do similar on others.

Is that super sneaky and underhand? I just think you need to have the evidence before he has a chance to delete it all.

Also take a copy/print/save details of his bills showing repeated texts to her number.

Good luck OP

I would send a text along the lines " Do I know you?" I'm not sure why you are sending photos of your undies to me and I think you must have the wrong number, embarrassing gaff, but I hope you find the right recipient".

Except there's evidence of him repeatedly texting her so that wouldn't work.

AnotherPrick, that just sounds so feeble and silly, it really does. OP would hate herself if it was found that her husband and this woman have been intimate together. It would humiliate OP, not the woman and not her husband.

If you want to have a record of what you saw on his phone, you could just take a photo of his screen on your phone.

Do not take AnotherPrick's advice - it would totally weaken your position.

Also, your problem is not with this woman - it is with your 'D'H. Who knows what sort of lies and encouragement he has given her. He's the problem, so don't misdirect your anger x

OP, I am so very sorry. Been there, done that. The shock and agony of the betrayal are unspeakable. I got the 'cheater's script', virtually word for cliched word. I wish I had known then that it is trotted out by so many men so frequently as I was totally blind-sided by his verbal cruelty and ended up on my knees, begging him not to leave me for her. I know, I know .

And, yes, my H's OW was also going through a 'terrible time' and needed to be 'rescued' by him.

But don't do what I did. In my rage and despair I telephoned her and left a message on her voicemail using some of Anglo-Saxon's choicest words about her morality and sexual laxity. She went straight to the police, claiming that she felt 'threatened' by me (although I had uttered no threats). In the end the police decided there was nothing worth pursuing legally and told us both to have no further contact with each other but I will never, ever get over the humiliation of reporting to a police station to be interviewed by appointment. Thankfully I took my solicitor with me and he gave me great advice but I sobbed my way through that interview.

And next day I had to endure her smirking at me at work and my H telling me how 'awful' I had been to leave such an unkind and unfair message on her voicemail. About a woman who had had sex on my sofa with my H whilst our DD was out at Brownies. Bastards, both of them. Please be warned that your may become a man you don't recognise when he realises the game is up. Steel yourself, OP, as it is unspeakable.

And what Extrahotlattetogo says. God I wish I could go back and do it differently too.

Try not to panic too much !
Surely if he was at it he would delete the lot rather than just his messages?
If he's innocent though he needs to man up & tell her to fuck right off & then some.

When I first posted on this, right, I wasn't overly concerned about just the fact of odd unsolicited messages - for the reasons I gave at the time. That's not the case here, though, is it ?

OP has now found evidence of late night texting

right RTFT. This is not "innocent"

I'm so sorry OP. I've been in your situation. To be honest you don't need any further evidence. He has been having an affair whether real or emotional it doesn't matter. Ultimately what do you want to do? You need space to think.

What a shit he is.

You don't need to react this second - deep breaths, take time to collect your thoughts (and possibly documents etc) and then confront.

Op, how devastating.

The all time worst I got was... after finally outing him (by confronting him on a hunch): "She is so attractive that no man could resist her"
thereby 1) absolving himself of blame and
2) telling me how much more attractive she was than me.
I stayed with him for six more years.
More fool I.

OP I'm very sorry. It looks suspicious. Don't contact the OW. This is between you and your partner.

Good luck.

I'm really sorry op, this is awful