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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband hit me in the face

265 replies

Kitkatabc123 · 05/05/2016 01:52

I have come on here tonight as I feel so depressed and alone at the moment. I have been with my husband 7 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We only got married last year and have just set up a buissiness which is going well. We have never been a very romantic, touchy feeley couple. But it has recently it got to the the point where I couldnt even put my arm around him without him telling me I was annoying him!
And communication has been very poor between us. However put this down as normal stresses and thought that all marriges have their ups and downs.
Anyway we were going out for the day on Saturday and i was in a great mood. He was his usual quiet self in the car (he was driving). I was singing along to the radio and to him and trying to get his attention. I playfully undid the back of his cap as a joke. He told me to take the wheel. he looked frustrated as he did the back of his cap up. As he took the wheel back I said aww sorry babe, and went to stroke his face, and as I did he punched me in the face. He told me to fuck off and that I knew he was in a bad mood and was winding him up. We hadn't even argued!! And the worst part was that out kids were in the back. I was initially in shock but when he started blaming me i screamed at him and shouted that I didn't want to be with him anymore then stopped talking to him. He soon calmed down and started apologising but i wouldnt talk to him. We continued out day out for the children's sake. When we got home he cried and told me he had had a stressful week (which he had) with work and that he just 'reacted'. I felt sorry for him and told him that things will have to change and he agreed. Since then he has been very attentive and is really trying but reality has sunk in now. I don't know what to do it who to talk to about the situation. It's never happened before and I am sure it won't happen again but I am so deeply hurt by it. I need to heal but don't know how. Please help me find a way to move forward.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 09/05/2016 11:39

I'm sure you don't care, but I take offense at you including my quote in your "list of shame" post And I take offence to victim blaming, minimising bullshit.

And why would you want to distract someone who was driving? You were deliberately trying to get a reaction out of him while he was driving you and your children. That’s a phenomenally daft thing to do but it was still daft is victim blaming. Just because you added "this isn't victim blaming" to it, doesn't mean it isn't.

If you think that is minimising or victim blaming then I'm not surprised you see it everywhere. I don't see it everywhere actually. In the context of this thread, and the rest of your post, there is no need to chastise the op for her actions. The thump in the face did that. She was already down, you didn't have to kick her more.

Seriously, don't want to have your posts viewed as victim blaming, don't victim blame. Saying that she shouldn't have done x before an assault, is saying, that if she hadn't done x, then the assault wouldn't have happened. That's victim blaming. A bit like telling a rape victim she shouldn't have got drunk/worn a short skirt etc.

JamesTiberiusKirk · 09/05/2016 11:48

differentnameforthis

They are two separate issues. There was no minimisation in my post whatsoever. There can be absolutely no justification for what he did. He could have reacted in a number of ways and he chose to react with violence.

Do you really think actively trying to distract someone who is driving a car with your children in it is a non-issue? Does his ridiculous, violent reaction to that somehow negate the fact that it was a daft thing to do? It can be silly behavior without any implication that it justified his reaction.

Baconyum · 09/05/2016 13:48

I agree with differentnameforthis

You can't say something that is basically 'I'm not victim blaming but...'

Because it is victim blaming! Just as that wouldn't excuse...

' I'm not racist but...' Statements

Baconyum · 09/05/2016 13:50

I'd be interested to know if people are happy to say, how many of us have been in contact with MNHQ regarding the

Victim blaming
Minimising
Misogyny

On this thread.

I made several reports, yet very little has been deleted, no comment from MNHQ...

I'm disappointed

Lweji · 09/05/2016 13:58

So, regardless of what a pp writes we should just go along with it and poor you?

Most pps were for the OP to leave her husband. Made absolutely no excuses about his behaviour.
But some pointed out, separately, that on its own her behaviour was not on, and if she had asked about it (or her husband) most people would have said she was unreasonable.

School situation:
One pupil calls the other names
The other punches the first.
Who is punished?

Baconyum · 09/05/2016 14:45

So provocation is an acceptable reason for violence?

Lweji · 09/05/2016 14:48

NO! FGS!!!

Baconyum · 09/05/2016 14:55

So what did you mean?

Baconyum · 09/05/2016 14:57

Because some posters said things like 'if you'd annoyed me/my husband like that I/he would've belted you too'

Lweji · 09/05/2016 14:57

What I meant in the example, is that both behaved wrongly.
The second is never justified, but the first should still be called on what they did.

Surely, the second behaved much worse, and appallingly.

But it doesn't mean that his actions (of the second) automatically cancel the actions of the first party either.

Lweji · 09/05/2016 14:58

Because some posters said things like 'if you'd annoyed me/my husband like that I/he would've belted you too'

Yes, and THAT is definitely victim blaming.

Not everyone who said the OP acted wrongly was victim blaming or making that connection, though.

Baconyum · 09/05/2016 15:01

I agree but there are some that were that are still standing unaddressed.

Lweji · 09/05/2016 15:03

And that is a shame, I agree.

differentnameforthis · 09/05/2016 15:52

Not everyone who said the OP acted wrongly was victim blaming or making that connection, though. I don't think anyone said that EVERYONE victim blamed...

Lweji · 09/05/2016 16:01

Not "everyone"
"everyone who said the OP acted wrongly"

some parts were quoted from posts that didn't victim blame on the whole, just criticised what the OP had done (on its own, not as cause).

bigbuttons · 09/05/2016 16:16

At work, if I have to talk to children about a fight that has happened then we look at the actions of all the children involved. If a child has provoked another child and the result of that provocation was physical then then child who attacked is dealt with accordingly. However, I will also talk to the child who has provoked about why their behaviour was inappropriate . They will not be sanctioned but they need to know that their behaviour was inappropriate .
That is not minimising and neither is this.
I can't see any post here that implied that the op had it coming, however, she needs to think about how inappropriate her actions were.
Her dh was completely in the wrong and his actions lost him any moral high ground when he hit her . I can see what made him flip but it is not an excuse, just a reason and his actions were wrong .

Baconyum · 09/05/2016 16:27

Ahem

I just asked my DH what he thought of this situation. He is a very calm man, has never raised his voice to me nor hit me in 15 years of marriage.

He said, "if you were carrying on and trying to distract me like that when I was driving with our precious children in the car, I would [something violent] you.

But my DH takes driving safety and protecting our children very seriously.

This is one situation where I really would like to hear the other side.

Lweji · 09/05/2016 16:31

Yes, and that pp was challenged on it. In fact, people were worried about her.

Lweji · 09/05/2016 16:32

Ups, sorry, that was in response to the other pp.

Atenco · 09/05/2016 18:47

At work, if I have to talk to children about a fight that has happened then we look at the actions of all the children involved. If a child has provoked another child and the result of that provocation was physical then then child who attacked is dealt with accordingly

You are saying that we should treat grown men like children? Or that a person's home should be like the playground?

Would you have the same response if he had punched one of his children in the face for playing up?

bigbuttons · 09/05/2016 20:20

That is such a ridiculous question I shan't bother answering.

bigbuttons · 09/05/2016 20:21

sorry, I meant 3 ridiculous questions.

memyselfandaye · 09/05/2016 23:12

I wonder what will happen when he's driving his kids around and they start playing up in the back of the car?

When they start with the "I want that", "I had it first", "Daaaad" "he/she hit me" "no I didn't" "yes you did" and on and on and on.

Will he pull over and punch them in the face?

I presume he never changes the radio station or switches the air con and heater on and off or ever eats or drinks anything while driving, or does anything at all that could distract him in the car?

kittybiscuits · 09/05/2016 23:47

I have reported a number of victim-blaming posts on several threads and just got the party line - we'very taken a look thanks and we're not deleting. The ones which annoy me more than the goady fuckers are the experienced posters who should know better and do it anyway.

differentnameforthis · 10/05/2016 08:18

some parts were quoted from posts that didn't victim blameon the whole, just criticised what the OP had done

Its still victim blaming.

You don't have to say that she had it coming in order to victim blame. Victim blaming isnt just outright saying "it was your fault"

It can be much more subtle than that. Saying to op that she shouldn't have done it = saying IF she HADN'T done x, y wouldn't have happened. Ergo, you are blaming the victim for being the cause of the assault.