husband hit me in the face

[Kitkatabc123]

I have come on here tonight as I feel so depressed and alone at the moment. I have been with my husband 7 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We only got married last year and have just set up a buissiness which is going well. We have never been a very romantic, touchy feeley couple. But it has recently it got to the the point where I couldnt even put my arm around him without him telling me I was annoying him!
And communication has been very poor between us. However put this down as normal stresses and thought that all marriges have their ups and downs.
Anyway we were going out for the day on Saturday and i was in a great mood. He was his usual quiet self in the car (he was driving). I was singing along to the radio and to him and trying to get his attention. I playfully undid the back of his cap as a joke. He told me to take the wheel. he looked frustrated as he did the back of his cap up. As he took the wheel back I said aww sorry babe, and went to stroke his face, and as I did he punched me in the face. He told me to fuck off and that I knew he was in a bad mood and was winding him up. We hadn't even argued!! And the worst part was that out kids were in the back. I was initially in shock but when he started blaming me i screamed at him and shouted that I didn't want to be with him anymore then stopped talking to him. He soon calmed down and started apologising but i wouldnt talk to him. We continued out day out for the children's sake. When we got home he cried and told me he had had a stressful week (which he had) with work and that he just 'reacted'. I felt sorry for him and told him that things will have to change and he agreed. Since then he has been very attentive and is really trying but reality has sunk in now. I don't know what to do it who to talk to about the situation. It's never happened before and I am sure it won't happen again but I am so deeply hurt by it. I need to heal but don't know how. Please help me find a way to move forward.

Nope, no apology from me. I have seen some horrific man bashing on here, really awful stuff.
We have no idea what future there is for the op's relationship. We also have no idea whether it will happen again. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.
There is no excuse for violence towards another living thing though.

Lewji is that the Royal we?

Hmm. OP has disappeared, and left her very first thread on MN for us all to pull apart ...

I'm talking about your accusation of 'hysterics'.

When I see words like this >> I haven't seen any minimising on this thread I see it as challenge...

Minimising/excusing/victim blaming (because victim blaming & excusing IS minimising abuse) on this thread as follows..

There's clearly much more to this situation. Why not tell us now instead of drip feeding

I would be really angry if someone did to me what you did while I was driving. Don't do that again, it's dangerous

To be perfectly honest, you were being a complete pain in the arse...He shouldn't have hit you but he was badly provoked...You need to find out why he has been so miserable lately. Perhaps he's deeply unhappy

Sorry but I have to ask... are you that annoying all the time

he was badly provoked

I think you'd have got on my nerves too in the car ... Starting a business is incredibly stressful

Secondly, in my books fiddling with somebody who is driving is a form of assault

He would tell the kids that he made a terrible mistake in hitting their mother and this is the result. After an extended period it might be possible for all concerned to review whether he might be allowed back home.

But it sounds as if he is in a bit of a state generally and you both need help.

And I think you do need to do some thinking yourself. Have you reflected on how you act towards him?

I don’t know why you thought playing around with his face and cap was a good idea – why would you want to distract someone who was driving? You were deliberately trying to get a reaction out of him while he was driving you and your children. That’s a phenomenally daft thing to do but it was still daft. This is not victim blaming

CAN be one-off occurrences where perfectly nice people get pushed to the brink

The pair if them don't sound mature enough to have a family but it doesn't sound as though there was any premeditation about what was done

Your relationship sounds quite toxic. Why you were winding him up like this

What would you say if a woman posted on here saying she had punched her husband because he was being immature and dangerously distracting whilst she was driving?

The same.

Bigbuttons you said ^I haven't seen any minimising on this thread*

Then you said

As I said upthread the punch was wrong. He was wrong to have punched. Who knows, perhaps the op has driven him to the brink. However, the punch still puts him in the wrong

Victim blaming, which minimises the perpetrator's assault.
Excusing, which minimises the perpetrator's assault.

FFs minimising victim blaming and misogyny abounds on this thread!

I have NEVER seen a thread where a woman being violent has been advocated (even 'jokes' about doing violence to ones partner are quickly stepped on by mners and - thankfully - by MNHQ too - though I'm beginning to feel it's rare for them to step in!!!).

I've reported misogynistic, victim blaming posts on here, it's the weekend and - what a surprise - nothing from MNHQ!!

I still stand by previous posts.

I disagree with you, it's that simple.

Hopefully the OP is busy sorting out what she wants to do.

differentnameforthis great posts. Bigbuttons even if you can find examples of horrific man bashing on here, (A) we are not a hive mind and (B) it makes zero difference to OP's situation and the danger she is in - whether she stays or leaves.

Differentname

I agree that there was lots of minimising and excusing.
But you should be careful. You picked some examples that weren't anything of the sort.
It's not minimising or excusing to point out to the OP that what she did wasn't right either. Even though what she did doesn't excuse his reaction at all!!!
Both behaviours should be rightly called on.

It is important that the OP thinks about why she thought teasing someone who was driving and already in a bad mood would help in any way - in the context of a healthy relationship as well as safety. It's fair to question that behaviour at many levels. And the OP shouldn't be exempt because she was punched afterwards.

Then there's the issue of his punch. He shouldn't be excused, nor should the OP feel she owes him anything because of what she did prior to that. All he had to do was tell her to stop. What he did puts him in the group of people who assault partners and should be left, unless they were fully apologetic and took full responsibility, and even so it's still a big risk.

"it is important that the OP thinks about why she thought teasing someone who was already in a bad mood would help in any way"

Jesus

Do you think it would be ok for someone to do that to you?

Or take the punch out of the equation and what would you tell a woman whose husband kept undoing her hair while she was driving. Would that be OK?

I disagree with you, it's that simple. And that is your prerogative. You are still wrong, and I won't stop fighting those who are wrong about DV/Victim Blaming/Minimising.

All of those I chose, if not direct minimising, were blaming the op for instigation the hit.

That IS victim blaming, and when you blame a victim you are minimising the perpetrators actions.

Well, you chose one comment from me, taken out of context, where I made it clear that the two things were separated. And asked the OP if she was usually like that and her husband pulled away from her because of it or was using it as a last resort because he kept ignoring her.

I usually question more than the obvious, so nothing to do with victim blaming.
Other pps were similar when they commented on the OP's actions. Not necessarily excusing or minimising.

And the OP shouldn't be exempt because she was punched afterwards I disagree. If he has retaliated in a similar way, or pushed her hand, snapped at her, even yelled at...I would agree that she shouldn't be "exempt", however, that level of violence in front of their children, completely, in my mind, exempts her.

My dh has annoyed me while I was driving. I stopped the car & said if he carried on, he would be walking. Didn't even cross my mind to punch him. Guess why? I am not a violent person.

Or take the punch out of the equation and what would you tell a woman whose husband kept undoing her hair while she was driving. Would that be OK? No, there is no taking the punch out of the question, because it was the most violent over reaction to what was merely low level annoyance.

The problem is that they are two completely different issues but they are intertwined.

If the assault hadn't happened, I would be asking the OP why she resorts to such childish antics to get her husband's attention and what she hopes it will achieve.

However, his assault negates everything else because there is never, ever, ever a reason or excuse for that. Ever.

However, his assault negates everything else because there is never, ever, ever a reason or excuse for that. Ever.

Exactly...and using such sentences as And I think you do need to do some thinking yourself. Have you reflected on how you act towards him? attempts to deflect the blame from him onto her. Thereby minimising & excusing his actions.

OP was daft to "playfully "distract DH from driving . But that's all it was -daft thing to do . In no way she deserved to be punched for it.DH sounds mental at worst /bad tempered at best.
Just to acept his apology would give DH a green light to do it again
OP move out with dcs for few weeks and let him grovel!

Just to acept his apology would give DH a green light to do it again

Yes, or worse to apologise for her own behaviour leading up to it, like she is in any way responsible for what he did.

Regardless of anything else, he cannot be allowed to just get away with this!

differentnameforthis

I'm sure you don't care, but I take offense at you including my quote in your "list of shame" post.

I wasn't blaming the OP for instigating what happened to her. I said very clearly that there was no way her actions could possibly justify her husband's reaction. I was merely stating that deliberately distracting someone who is driving a car, with her children in the back seat no less, was a daft thing to do, and it is.

Her distraction was daft and could have had serious consequences. Her husband's reaction was grotesque. Viewing the situation through a binary lens doesn't help anyone, least of all the Op. If you think that is minimising or victim blaming then I'm not surprised you see it everywhere.

And I think you do need to do some thinking yourself. Have you reflected on how you act towards him?
attempts to deflect the blame from him onto her.

You left out the rest of my post:
"(You) teasing him with undoing his cap was really not on. What would you say to your children if they were doing it to each other when the other was already in a grumpy mood?
It doesn't mean that you all had to be grumpy or quiet, but the last thing someone would need would be more annoying teasing.
I just can't tell if you putting your arm around him and him telling you it's annoying follows the same pattern of teasing him somehow, or if you trying to get his attention is a very last resort in a pattern of him detaching from you.
In normal circumstances I'd say that physical contact should be welcome and not imposed and space should be given when required.
I'm only saying this as a learning process for future relationships, or in case he goes through all the hoops and you give him another chance.

But, ultimately, he is someone who thought it was ok to punch you. He only apologised much much later. Sadly, in my experience it's more likely that it's a start rather than a one off."

But feel free to take just one sentence to make a point.