Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband hit me in the face

265 replies

Kitkatabc123 · 05/05/2016 01:52

I have come on here tonight as I feel so depressed and alone at the moment. I have been with my husband 7 years and we have 2 beautiful children. We only got married last year and have just set up a buissiness which is going well. We have never been a very romantic, touchy feeley couple. But it has recently it got to the the point where I couldnt even put my arm around him without him telling me I was annoying him!
And communication has been very poor between us. However put this down as normal stresses and thought that all marriges have their ups and downs.
Anyway we were going out for the day on Saturday and i was in a great mood. He was his usual quiet self in the car (he was driving). I was singing along to the radio and to him and trying to get his attention. I playfully undid the back of his cap as a joke. He told me to take the wheel. he looked frustrated as he did the back of his cap up. As he took the wheel back I said aww sorry babe, and went to stroke his face, and as I did he punched me in the face. He told me to fuck off and that I knew he was in a bad mood and was winding him up. We hadn't even argued!! And the worst part was that out kids were in the back. I was initially in shock but when he started blaming me i screamed at him and shouted that I didn't want to be with him anymore then stopped talking to him. He soon calmed down and started apologising but i wouldnt talk to him. We continued out day out for the children's sake. When we got home he cried and told me he had had a stressful week (which he had) with work and that he just 'reacted'. I felt sorry for him and told him that things will have to change and he agreed. Since then he has been very attentive and is really trying but reality has sunk in now. I don't know what to do it who to talk to about the situation. It's never happened before and I am sure it won't happen again but I am so deeply hurt by it. I need to heal but don't know how. Please help me find a way to move forward.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/05/2016 21:04

And me.

I didn't blame him
I was mortified
I was the problem
I changed
I never stop apologising or feeling ashamed
I explained the trigger but didn't use it as an excuse

PeppermintPasty · 07/05/2016 21:07

The inner workings and dynamics in this relationship were laid bare for all to see, especially the children, in the car that day.

Your suggestion is for her to wait until he does it again, then leave.

Hummmmm....

pocketsaviour · 07/05/2016 22:49

There has been a recent sudden influx of abuse apologists, hasn't there.

Hmmm.

kittybiscuits · 07/05/2016 22:54

Very much so.

Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp · 07/05/2016 23:03

Undoing his cap whilst he was driving seems a stupid thing to do as it could of fallen down and obscured his vision whilst driving, can kinda see why he was mad!

HOWEVER it didn't warrant punching you in the face infront of your kids

memyselfandaye · 07/05/2016 23:10

pocketsaviour You've noticed it too?

Atenco · 08/05/2016 00:30

Joysmum and iminshock

Congratulations on being the exception to the rule, but the exception proves the rule, frankly.

After my ex hit me the first time he was so full of remorse I ended up consoling him, more fool me.

Baconyum · 08/05/2016 02:40

The apologism is something I've raised elsewhere and basically been dismissed by both mners and MNHQ.

Lweji · 08/05/2016 06:50

Joysmum's description shows why she is an exception. And why the OP should be worried about her OH.

SomeonesRealName · 08/05/2016 07:51

Glittershoes how can you encourage the OP to stake her safety and that of her children on the hope that it won't happen again when statistically it is likely that it will? Also, being punched in the face changes the relationship dynamic forever and not for the better. After my ex grabbed me by the throat and slammed my head into the window for defying him, I altered my behaviour permanently so as not to provoke that behaviour again and he only had to look at me a certain way and I backed right down.

If you are experiencing emotional abuse and your partner slaps you as well then I would say you are now being physically battered - there's no "except for one slap" if it's part of a pattern of abuse.

differentnameforthis · 08/05/2016 08:40

She wasn't being physically battered though it was all emotional except for one slap. Do you have any idea how fucking damaging emotional abuse is?

You have many choices. She has 2. Leave or not. One has the potential to put her children on the at risk register at the very least, removed from the home at worse case.

The other, she gets to keep her children & not expose them to family violence. Because exposing children to family violence is child abuse. OP doesn't say how old the children are (or I couldn't find it) but if one discloses to their teacher (for example) that they saw daddy punch mummy, the teacher is obliged to report it.

joysmum, iminshock your cases are rare. Yes, it does happen. BUT it is rare. VERY rare. And should not be used to justify the actions of this man. Who subjected his wife to a horrible assault, and his children too. As I said previously, subjecting your children to DV is abuse.

If you are experiencing emotional abuse and your partner slaps you as well then I would say you are now being physically battered - there's no "except for one slap" if it's part of a pattern of abuse. This.

Lweji · 08/05/2016 08:42

And just a slap Hmm

Adnerb95 · 08/05/2016 08:55

Whilst you are probably right to argue that it will happen again, as far as I am aware there are NO statistics which show how many times it is an isolated incident, so it is difficult to know if this is one of those situations.
But breaking up a family is a serious decision - it may well prove to be the only answer - but a pause to establish ALL the facts, to consider safe and productive courses of action, would be helpful.
I speak as someone who was hit - once - many years ago and we have had a long and happy marriage since then.

aLeafFalls · 08/05/2016 09:10

So much minimising going on on this thread. I'd noticed the influx of apologists on MN too.

lilacclery · 08/05/2016 09:31

I'm going through something similar will post proper post later.
Solution doesn't always have to be LTB but behaviour must not be ignored. You were both wrong. That doesn't excuse what he did but you weren't right either

Adnerb95 · 08/05/2016 13:19

Don't see how just sharing my own experience is minimising anything.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/05/2016 13:52

What the hell happened to MN?

This place used to be a source of constant support, a safe place and most of all, somewhere that told victims of all sorts that they should never, ever expect or feel that they deserve this type of behaviour.

The victim blaming and apologists are stomach churning.

When did we start to set the bar so low for ourselves?

It's only a slap.

It's only emotional abuse.

It's only when he's stressed.

My dh has NEVER abused me, emotionally or otherwise.

Surely that's the bare minimum of what we expect in relationships??

bigbuttons · 08/05/2016 14:08

I haven't seen any minimising on this thread. I have seen a lot of hysterics though.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/05/2016 14:17

Ah, hysterics.

There's a nice misogynistic insult for you. Hmm

Anyone who uses such a term isn't worth having an argument with, IMO.

It's rather telling that claims of hysteria and minimising go hand in hand...

DaveCamoron · 08/05/2016 15:23

If my wife deliberately distracted me whilst I was driving I'd tell her to stop being a fucking idiot, I wouldn't punch her.

LTB.

Lweji · 08/05/2016 15:34

The only hysterical person was the husband. As well as overreacting.

bigbuttons · 08/05/2016 15:41

What would you say if a woman posted on here saying she had punched her husband because he was being immature and dangerously distracting whilst she was driving?

I have a feeling that somehow it would be the husband's fault again.

As I said upthread the punch was wrong. He was wrong to have punched. Who knows, perhaps the op has driven him to the brink. However, the punch still puts him in the wrong.

Lweji · 08/05/2016 15:47

There have been threads where the woman slapped or punched her husband. Look for them, then come and tell us what we'd say.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/05/2016 16:59

I have never, ever told a woman on here that it was ok for her to hit someone.

So your gender swap doesn't hold with me.

Are you going to apologise for your misogynistic bullshit on the thread?

Atenco · 08/05/2016 17:17

Bigbuttons, that is one big chip on your shoulder. In fact, Mn is very clear that violence has no place in a relationship and that there is no justification for a woman hitting a man. But even if mumsnet did not have a good line on that, you think is a good reason for the OP to stay in a situation where she is going to be hit repeatedly and sometimes in front of her chldren?