DRY 12

[HowBadIsThisPlease]

Old thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2584735-DRY-11?

The thread for people who want to kick the booze

Good morning everyone, and what a stunningly beautiful morning it is here, too.I had meant to log back on again last night but I had a little lie down with my book whilst DP watched the cycling and fell asleep (rather than passed out!).

DS slept til almost 6am this morn (a miracle), so I am giddy with good sleep today! Woke up to see my sober treat pink stocks at the end of the bed - bring on Day 7!

jojo those plates are gorgeous, really bright and colourful, Lakeland do some fab stuff.

Lucy ouch, and also - amazing stuff with your PGDIP, it sounds fascinating! I'm just on the home stretch on my MA in Gender Studies, and my dissertation is due in on 30/08. We can support each other this summer, when everyone else is out getting a tan and we're holed up int he dark, doing our lit reviews! Another reason to stay AF, so we can stay focused!

Miss, how frustrating for you, I hope you manage to manage it, if you know what I mean!

How hope up you are ok and find a way to get what support you need and still keep everyone else happy. It's such a juggling act.

DS and I are off to a local pool today with a friend and her DS, and they have this amazing outdoor pool bit, huge park AND a cafe with incredible ice cream, so that will get everyone's energy levels up! Then home, over to DP so I can study, then another lovely early night with my book which I can't put down.

I'm going to book a pedicure for my Day 10 AF sober treat as well.

Have lovely Sundays, sober warriors (love that name!).

Morning! HowBad it sounds like he's just trying to push all responsibility for the next step onto you by doing nothing, nice.

Never feel guilty for not feeling something, this has been a long time coming for you (I'm guessing) so you've done the hard work and worked through those feelings already. You're just efficient!

Well done on whatever you just said Lucy I got PGDip and addiction (!), it must give your research a good insight having experienced it first hand Can you interview yourself?

I'm the same miss cookie I bought dh a shit load of beers yesterday and scowled while he drank them. I had a few Beck's Blue in the garden in the afternoon with him (no cravings for the real thing). But I was annoyed that he just kept going until by night he was sitting messing with phone and we weren't talking. I bet if you asked her say that me sober is making me too serious but there was no fun to be had with a man too pissed to hold a combo.

This was me too 3 weeks ago. I have to keep that in my head when I picture how nice it would be to drink..no it makes you a numb, slow, boring animal not the life and soul of the party.

I am definitely happy sober

Hold a convo!

happy & cookie, I get what you are feeling. My DP and I were big drinking buddies and I'm now really struggling with him continuing to drink heavily. On Friday night he rocked inat 10 pm completely legless. Fortunately he went straight to bed, less fortunately he was snoring so loudly I managed only 4 hours sleep. He makes 'noises' about wanting to cut down, and then carries right on. I don't like him much when he is very drunk, and I do fear for the future if he doesn't slow down.

lucy very impressed ! I am struggling to get the course work done for a PG diploma !

howbad I expect your P does NOT really want to separate. The question is, is he prepared to work to change things so that your life can be at least contented if he stays ?because if not, then it's rather irrelevant what he wants - you can't continue in the relationship while he treats you and the home as a convenience. And I wouldn't worry about that living thing - I think it's still uncommon unless BOTH parents want it. It would make life very complex and impossible to ever move on and meet someone else ...

Very nice plates jojo

shark I hope you have a nice day at the pool. We also have an open air pool quite locally. My kids are older, so I can take then and sit by the side of the pool reading a book :-) bliss !

matron could you ask your parents NOT to hold a party, but to celebrate in some other way ?

Hope rose and vxa are having a good weekend.

Lily 🌷X

morning Everyone day 13!! I was soooo tired yesterday 2.30am is not a good bedtime for me lol!!! Had afternoon nap and did very little just relaxed xx I have a bit of a worry on my mind, I have been PMing with Halle I apologised to her for being harsh and judgemental and turned out we get in really well but I've heard nothing from her since Thursday night so am quite worried - any advice? I know she so wants to be sober I think she is where I was at last year wanting to be sober but finding making that final decision so hard xxx Halle if you're lurking, let me know you're ok?

Just about to start the Sunday Roast and looking forward to another Sober Day We are amazing Sober Ladies - may the Sober Warriors continue!! lots of love to you all

This is why this thread helps so much. The only thing I would do in Matron's place is grit my teeth and get through the amazing party. Lily comes along with the most obvious yet not considered idea, ask to celebrate in another way...genius!

Bearing in mind I wasn't here when everything kicked off before I will just say in the most general terms that when I was smoking and dh wanted me to give up and supported me, encouraged me and held my hand I managed a few days but I couldn't do it because the urge to change didn't come from me.

Same for drinking.

It's amazing to discover the wool that's been pulled over our eyes for years and discover that booze isn't a relaxant/doesn't make us attractive/intelligent or even intelligible but you can't force people through the process.

When those that truly want to give up want us, we're here. Pom pom waving, supporting, talking down from the edge back-up. But it's not fair to get people to rely on you to provide the motivation because no one can provide that to someone else and themselves all at once.

It took me a couple of years to admit my drinking was a problem, look at the Babes thread, realise moderation didn't work, look at the dry thread, consider permanent sobriety and then finally give up and introduce myself to you lovely ladies (& men?).

Halle will get there in her own time and if she doesn't there is nothing anyone can do to get her there. It sounds mean but it's really not, it's just the truth.

It is really wonderful to have parents who love me

I will go to the party but put my own AF sparkly in the fridge. I feel the excitement will have me trip up rather than the actual party. Day 14 and I am starting to sleep well and exhaustion is subsiding.

howbad when the time comes it's always worth talking. You will always have a relationship with your partner. If you do split you will be better off with a good relationship. Xx

Morning all :)
Run achieved without too much 'ouch'. Thanks for the kind words about the study but I'm just struck by what a high achieving bunch we are - awards, post graduate studies, juggling work and families and sobriety TSP halo's all round
Hope you all have a lovely day

Morning all

Pleased your run was relatively pain free Lucy. I need to go, but am struggling to get off my bum this morning

Great to hear so much positivity on the thread, esp from those newly sober - well done, stick at it

Right, going to get my running gear on, then I will have to go...

FWL how was your run, I bought some trainers yesterday - my first pair for years. Now I need to get active. I am going to my first spinning class this week - scared already !!

Rose Halle will be fine. I think she needs support IRL because of her issues with benzos. She has been on BB and getting support there. You have been really kind - try not to worry

matron good that you have a plan. I have been trying to locate a sparkling celebration type drink which is not too sweet but everything I have found is not truly alcohol free. Any suggestions ladies ?

Hello to everyone else especially lily - you are very wise xx

rose you are very kind to be supporting Halle. I'm afraid I agree that she seriously needs real life support for her benzo problem - and withdrawal from benzo's is much more prolonged and complex than alcohol withdrawal (I mean physically) as her doctor seems to be happy to keep dishing them out to her with no controls, she will need significant commitment and support to achieve this, especially as the withdrawal symptoms are very similar to the GAD symptoms she initially took them for.

My concern about supporting Halle on this thread was that she is not currently sufficiently motivated (as evidenced by her responses to suggestions to seek RL help - Basically "I can't do that, he might. Stop my benzos supply" ) or ready to stop. And as happy and vxa said - you can't 'make' someone be ready.

Been for a lovely walk with friend this morning, pottering into he house / garden now , and doing some batch cooking. Sadly yesterday, after a nice walk with DP and DS3 and a nice lunch I developed a cracking headache, and went to bed for the rest of the day.feels crap right now writing off a whole afternoon evening - and NOT FAIR ! As I am not drinking I should be 100% healthy ... 😉

Lily X 🌷

Rose you are lovely and I hope you and anyone else don't mind me saying this but I would prefer if you keep your PM relationship as a PM relationship.....certainly for the foreseeable. It's been a fab week on the thread, lots of people have rejoined and it's been just like it has been for 99% of the time since I joined in December. The only time it became unsettled was for a short spell a week and a half or so ago......I really hope I haven't offended you

Still just a lurker but agree with lily and like ahurricane. I'm only a lurker so don't really have a say but it's very important to my lurking that this thread is very different to BBB.

That sounds really self absorbed actually so I should probably apologise. It's not about me.

Hi Make I'm a big lurker on MN usually, it's comforting to know other people are going through the same stuff as you, I hope it's helping you .

Urgh Lily you're right, not fair at all. I keep looking in the mirror trying to see if eyes look brighter or complexion less ...florid but nothing! And now I know I have to wait 100 days before the scales do anything. Not. Fair.

I've been out to a pub for Sunday lunch and it was lovely. Dh turned around out of the blue and announced that I've given up drinking. My SIL immediately asked why and it threw me because I hadn't prepared to 'come out' yet. I just said

"Oh I enjoyed it a bit too much"

She kind of looked surprised but accepted it, now paranoid she thinks I was some sort of lush which I guess would be accurate. Ho hum.

Hello all, well done everyone for choosing to abstain! I am on week 5 of no alcohol and really loving it.
DH tried to get on board and lasted 1 day. He admitted last night that all he wants to do is sit down somewhere and relax with a beer. I think my not drinking is making him question his own.

I really hope, with your help, that I can be strong enough to continue my good work!! Xxx

Hey there vxa run was great in the end - it usually is, it just takes some getting out there at times! I do love running tho, it has been a big part of my sober journey, and I love the fact I can just lace up and go, straight out my front door, pretty much any time. It's a great chance to get some space away from everything, and some endorphins to boot!

Had a huge veggie omelette when I got in, and a bath with Epsom salts (!), now trying to decide whether to do a spot of yoga to stretch out my legs... I think it would be wise!

Before I go tho, I can recommend belvoir presse - elderflower, or for a change, elderflower & rose. You can get them as cordials too, but the ready made stuff is great if you need something posh, sparkling and sophis to take with you.

Fuzzy I'm a runner, I run with a club which sounds like I should be good.....I'm not, I'm a real plodder but I can run for quite a long way. I help out with a lot of the newer runners progressing to 10K and above and I love that.
I have Epsom Salts baths at least twice a week and they totally wipe be out. I love them.

Please can I get an opinion or two??

We are out with DH's family for a meal for his mums birthday tonight. His two brothers and one of the wives are big drinkers. They don't know I've quit yet, I'm going to make the excuse for not drinking that it's as I'm working tomorrow.
We don't spend much time with them these days as there has been a dreadful situation 4 years ago involving DH's DD and resulting in her being estranged from everyone in the family bar us and DH's mum. It really was bad......way too long to go into on here but the main reason I took to drinking to oblivion.
So, I've been stupidly getting worked up since yesterday about splitting the bill.
Not for the meal and drinks with the meal, I don't mind that as it's part of the occasion but for all the ones they will have before we get there. They are meeting an hour before us, we can't get there any earlier as we have to take our grandchildren home. I know for a fact they will have had at least two rounds, possibly three....and we are talking double whiskeys and cokes etc. They don't hold back. I'm also fairly certain from past experience that they will have opened a tab, those drinks will go on the main bill and they will not even consider that we wouldn't pay our "share" of all those drinks too, even though we weren't there when they've had them. They have regularly taken the piss like that on a few occasions.....it's not like there is a lifestyle/income issue/difference either.

I've just shared how I feel with DH and he was great. I told him I feel really crap for feeling how I do but that as I wouldn't ever dream of behaving like that and expect others to fund my drinking, that it was really getting to me.
He's basically agreed with me and said he will deal with it and that there's no way he's paying for drinks consumed whilst he wasn't even there.
I feel so much better now, I've basically made it his problem (it is his family) and will now let him deal with it however he sees fit....and that includes if he backs down. I won't get annoyed with him if he does.
I hope I haven't come across as a penny pinching misery, I'm really not. As I said, I've no issue with splitting the bill for the meal and drinks, it's the ones before....
What do you all think??

Likeahurricane if you were not trying to stay sober I would speak up and suffer the confrontation. As you are trying to stay sober I think you have done exactly the right thing by letting DH deal with it. Accept now that you may end up paying half of the pre drinks bill and if you don't end up paying treat it as a win.

The last thing you need is a disappointment and to feel angry or fed up.

Ps if the drinks are piled on the bill don't forget to order your food last and make it the lobster/steak/oysters etc

like I understand where you are coming from completely. It would piss me off too. I can't remember - have you done much socialising since you stopped drinking? Do you think it's your getting stressed about the occasion which is making the issue of the pre drinks bug you so much ? Sometimes when I am anxious I will fixate on one thing and it will not necessarily even be something really important but it seems huge to me.

Speaking to you DH was a great idea and his response sounds really supportive. As you say, the issue is for him to deal with now and you need to try and not worry about it anymore. If in the end he backs down try and let it go. You need to take care of you and you are too special to let something like that jeopardise your wellbeing.

You are not being penny pinching at all.

I hope you enjoy the evening. Let us know how it goes.

I think you're right hurricane and hopefully the rest of the family will see sense. However people can be awfully odd about the bill so don't be surprised if someone makes a cat's bum face. It will say more about them than you!

Oh you lovely, supportive ladies
Vxa it's not the actual socialising whilst not drinking that's making me anxious, it's who we are socialising with. One brother and his wife in particular. I just don't like them anymore. They are judgemental snobs who think they know everything.

That's interesting about the fixation when anxious.........Thankyou for the clarity as I think that's what's been happening you know. And I am going to let DH deal, I'm not going to give him a hard time if he caves. It's not his fault.

Absolute I love, love, love your "cat's bum face" description!!! That's what they look like permanently. Thankyou so much. Just going to think to myself, "at least I haven't got a cat's bum face" all night long ....brilliant.

Matron Thankyou, I'm definitely having the steak.....I might order a few extra sides too!
God, what a bloody pain in the arse some families can be. They leave so much unsaid, just....hanging there.
My family, we tell each other how it is, nicely and calmly and then just carry on and it's over and done with. That's unconditional family love, not their crap.

Thanks lovelies. Will report back xx

vxa2 I will be testing sparking AF over the next few weeks and keep you posted I find AF wine very sweet. The good old soda and lime looks like vodka or gin.

The party is not a sit down it will be dancing on the lawn, games and music. It's not an after party on the same day it's on the weekend so will be all day. There will be a barman and bar. It's him I need to collude with

Hurricane, that is the sort of thing I get hung up on too. Even though logically I know I can choose to deal with it, or let it go, far too often I don't deal with it and don't let it go either. I think you are right to get your dh to deal with it and I think (maybe I am totally projecting here!) that it could actually go away much more easily than you think when tackled assertively (by him)

Beautiful sunny evening here. Grilling some fish and hulling some strawberries. I took dd1 out to an event this afternoon and she is such great company. my dds are great friends and the only time they bother me is when they are playing up to a perceived imbalance in attention from me. Must deal with that - is my attention in too short supply?

Lily, Matron, I think you are both right about P. a few months ago some friends of ours ended their marriage, apparently quite amicably (on the surface anyway) and P said "I can't imagine how they can still behave like friends". My heart sank even then, because at the back of my mind I thought "but this is what I am going to be looking for from you!"

I am much more productive when I am sober. This is good. But emotionally I seem to have lost all my stability

I am struggling with a decision about DS3's education, and I can't seem to find a decision that my head and my heart agree with. It's nonsense really because I know what the logical answer is, but my thoughts and wishes are swinging wildly ...

Sigh :-(

Would it help to talk about it, Lily?

Nothing is more emotionally charged than making decisions about our children.