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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

689 replies

HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 22:54

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

OP posts:
Watchingnetflix · 30/04/2016 22:56

Don't feel guilty, your priority is your child, your dh is an adult and will hands to sort himself out

Watchingnetflix · 30/04/2016 22:57

have

BillSykesDog · 30/04/2016 22:58

I think you've done exactly what you had to do. DS is safe, that's important. You couldn't have him traipsing around London with his Dad like that.

If his Dad does come home, will you both be safe in the house with him? Or do you think it might be better to go elsewhere just incase he comes back in a state? Aside from that there is very little you can do except hang tight and wait for him to resurface. Did any of his family go with him?

Shouldknowbetter2015 · 30/04/2016 22:59

Been there, know what this is like. My ex H did this to us one Christmas when my 6yr old & 15m old baby were excited about visiting a Christmas market. We waited & waited. He was passed out of his brain when I got a call from the mainline train station to say they had him & could I collect him. My daughter is traumatised to this day & says she will never drink (12 yrs old now) & I left the bastard. This was just scratching the surface of the depths to which he sunk. Not seen him for 4 yrs now. I hate him & what he did to us. LTB. This will not get better .

Shouldknowbetter2015 · 30/04/2016 22:59

PISSED not passed! Bloody autocorrect!

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/04/2016 23:00

You've done the right thing.

Sophia1984 · 30/04/2016 23:01

What a horrible situation for you, but you've done the right thing. You absolutely have to put your child first. If he isn't answering, is it possible he's just sulking? If, god forbid, anything bad had happened, someone would pick up the phone. You haven't abandoned him - he's a grown adult. Does he have money with him? Then he can get a cab home. Try and keep yourself calm: have a bath, drink some camomile tea. If it will reassure you to know he's home safe then stay up, but make a point when he gets in of saying you just wanted to know he was home safe, then go to bed.

Skivvywoman · 30/04/2016 23:01

I've left my dh too when he's been pissed causing a scene, you done the right thing your priority is your child not him he's an adult
He will come home when he's ready

Berthatydfil · 30/04/2016 23:02

He is an adult your ds is not.
Your ds could not in any circumstance be safely responsible for getting himself home whereas your dh could be if he had not voluntarily taken alcohol or other substances
You have made the right choice.
Don't feel guilty.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:03

I don't know billsykesdog I've left him bloodstained talking to a poor homeless man that couldn't get away, swigging a bottle of vodka. My instinct would be to try and coax him home but after all the support I've had on here and in rl I'm not acting like I usually would. I don't think he's going to be violent (never has before). No family with him at the moment, he's all alone Sad

OP posts:
LilaTheTiger · 30/04/2016 23:03

He's actually an adult. He's made his choices. You're talking care of a child. So you trump his will.

The loser.

VimFuego101 · 30/04/2016 23:03

YANBU - of course you have to take care of your child. Your DH chose to get himself in a state.

ollieplimsoles · 30/04/2016 23:04

Flowers so sorry for you op but your son needed to get home safe.

Can you ask anyone to go looking for your dh?

Thornrose · 30/04/2016 23:05

You had to put your ds first, without a doubt. Why is dh bloodstained?

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:05

Thanks, clearly some of you know who I am!
I feel so guilty for not looking after him. This is the first time I've been so callous.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 30/04/2016 23:06

Double lock the door.
Start your new life now.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:06

He was punching walls on the train.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 30/04/2016 23:07

And I don't know who you are- I've just seen too many women in this situation over a long life. You don't want to condemn yourself and your child to a lifetime of taking him back, listening to his lies, trusting him and being let down again and again.

Watchingnetflix · 30/04/2016 23:08

You're NOT being callous, you're being sensible

MrsJayy · 30/04/2016 23:08

Your husband chose his lifestyle your son is your priority he is the most person right now im sorry you are going through this

LilaTheTiger · 30/04/2016 23:10

Did your 3yo see him punching walls on a train?

NickiFury · 30/04/2016 23:10

He's a grown man. And to be honest the sooner you stop making yourself responsible for a grown man's choices and addictions the happier you and most importantly your child will be. You did the right thing leaving him.

I've been here and done it and it cost me my mental health for years. My Dad once said to me "do you really think he's going to die if you're not around to look after him? How did he manage all those years before you met him?" That really clarified my thinking on it.

MrsJayy · 30/04/2016 23:11

I dont think we recognise you op you are probably a little agitated and feeling understandabley sensitive

UptownFunk00 · 30/04/2016 23:11

He should seek help or do the decent thing and give you and DS some space.

He's no good for you or your son. What are you teaching your son here and what are you potentially exposing him to?

He shouldn't have put any of you through this so don't feel guilty.

Thornrose · 30/04/2016 23:11

I don't know who you are but judging on this thread alone you have done the right thing. Flowers