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Original poster

I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

689 replies

HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 22:54

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/05/2016 00:27

He hits a wall, he hits a wall, he hits a wall, he hits you. He thought it was a wall.

NotQuiteJustYet · 01/05/2016 00:29

No matter how much you love him, sure you see you and DS are worth more than this? That you both deserve stability?

I grew up with a father with alcohol issues, no where near as serious as your husband's, but bad enough to have left me with deep seated mistrust of anyone drunk - including my own husband now after he's had a drink. I don't drink at all, and cannot stand being around really drunk people because I do not trust their actions. You say he would never be violent to you, but you don't know that - you just believe it. Lot's of women (and men) believe it, right up until it happens.

Your son is young enough that if you took him out of the environment, he wouldn't even remember it most likely. It'd be like the slate was wiped clean for him, and if I was you DH wouldn't be allowed near until he'd cleaned up his act.

EverySongbirdSays · 01/05/2016 00:33

I am so very confused as to how this situation escalated.

You saw him smoking pot in front of minors earlier today, and nobody challenged him, or got him to leave. Or left his vicinity on principle

He started drinking on top. Nobody challenged him. Or told him to leave. Or left his vicinity on principle.

How did you end up alone with a child and a shitfaced volatile man on public transport. Why did his family let you leave with him in that state? How was he allowed on said transport? Why havent transport police or the regular variety intervened at someone causing a public order offence.

YANBU for taking your kid whom and abandoning him, your child comes first and he's a grown man.

But I don't get it.

Bogeyface · 01/05/2016 00:37

I am so very confused as to how this situation escalated.

Because you have never been in a relationship that has gone from "fine" to "fucked up" in baby steps. Gradually, over a period of years, the perfect man morphed into a violent addict and the OP has morphed into someone who trod on eggshells to avoid another bender and then when the bender happened has looked after him.

Like any abusive relationship it happened slowly. No woman would date a man who battered her into hospital on the first date but 1/3/5/10 years later, thats what happens. If he had been like this on the first date then she would have walked away.

When it happens in tiny increments, abnormal becomes normal.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 01/05/2016 00:38

I know my son deserves more than this. I've had inlaws telling me the exact same thing this evening. Im going to have to get out but I'm so weak and scared and hypocritical and stupid and scareD and I really, really thought things had changed but they haven't.

OP posts:
MakingJudySmile · 01/05/2016 00:39

He's not the person you think he is, that's who you want him to be. The person he is is the man out there tonight; violent, aggressive, denies all self responsibility and blames everyone else for his situation.

Bogeyface · 01/05/2016 00:40

I'm so weak and scared and hypocritical and stupid and scareD and I really, really thought things had changed but they haven't.

You were hopeful, thats all. You hoped that he had finally changed and he hadnt. So you have changed. You have left him to it.

Keep the strength you felt when you got on that bus. You did it because you knew it was the right thing to do and you know that leaving him is the right thing to do.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 01/05/2016 00:43

His family are used to it tbh. Family event booze flowing. Rolled a spliff. But even the ones that smoke weed recreationaly were Hmm at him doing so blatantly in a anti drugs household. I didn't join him. On the train it was us plus a couple of inlaws who saw everything and felt bad when it was there stop before our. FWIW they think I should issue him an ultimatum.
He's not back yet.

OP posts:
DoTheMLMHustle · 01/05/2016 00:43

Let your in-laws help you then op
They can take him off your hands. Take responsibility for him. Give you support.

The fact you have their support is very unusual and valuable in this case.

Imagine 13 years from now, your ds is a teenager and all around him is the chaos that you have now. Do you think that would be ok? What would you tell him?

cocochanel21 · 01/05/2016 00:45

Thing's will never change while your DH is still using.

EverySongbirdSays · 01/05/2016 00:45

That's semi-true Bogeyface but my father drank and my parents marriage was EA and my father was also psychologically abusive.

Its not that I don't understand the dynamics of abusive relationship quite the opposite - even before I hit secondary school I knew how to act on my feet with my father and "head him off at the pass" diffusing or avoiding situations by shutting up or absenting myself.

What I mean is, she had warnings very early on in the day that things were heading south. In a long term abusive relationship you develop certain strategies.... I'm not victim blaming by any means, it's more about coping and getting through the latest bout.

There were several warning signs there. The inlaws also clocked them. Why did no-one act?

Bogeyface · 01/05/2016 00:46

Tomorrow you could get hit by a car or have a stroke or choke on a sweet. You would be dead.

Your son would be left in this mans care. Yes SS would step in eventually, after a period of time where he would be left to prove himself as everyone would hope that you death would make him sort himself out. And then it would be clear that he hadnt so SS would remove your son into care until your/his family would take DS in and look after him. But by then he would have lived the life that you are living now but as a child, with no one to defend him and look after him when his father is angry or too pissed to feed him.

How does that make you feel?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2016 00:47

This can be the first step to getting a new life. It can be the time you said that enough was enough. If you choose to. You just need to decide that you and DS are worth more than this. And you are.

CoolforKittyCats · 01/05/2016 00:48

His family are used to it tbh. Family event booze flowing. Rolled a spliff. But even the ones that smoke weed recreationaly were hmm at him doing so blatantly in a anti drugs household. I didn't join him.

I'm confussed.

Would you normally smoke it with him them?

hownottofuckup · 01/05/2016 00:51

You protected your son, what else were you supposed to do?
Fwiw, I've been there. You do sound like you are detaching and working towards being free. It takes a little time but make the effort and you will get there.

Bogeyface · 01/05/2016 00:52

Songbird because his family dont want to be the ones to rile him and the OP was playing nice so he didnt kick off. It could well be that he clocked them clocking him and thats why he went off on one.

They tell the OP that she should give him an ultimatum, so they have made it clear that they disapprove but it is her problem. They wont take him in, they want her to bin him off and have to deal with the fall out when she does. Sure they will support her, but they wont actually help her. They are also users, so they are probably not the best people to rely on in this situation.

If they cared that much about the OP and her son then they would help protect them both from him but they dont so.....

TendonQueen · 01/05/2016 00:52

Don't bother issuing ultimatums. Just get out of there. Your son is not safe with this unpredictable violent addict around. Please don't put up with it any longer.

DoTheMLMHustle · 01/05/2016 00:54

My ex's family were used to my ex. Refused to believe he had a problem. Even had a go at me for being too harsh on him. Seriously. The fact that your inlaws see it is the best thing you have.

Tell his mum he's coming home
Then she can tell him he's not, if she doesn't want him

He's going to have to sort himself out, you have a baby to look after. SS would take a dim view of this situation I'm sure

Lucked · 01/05/2016 00:55

Do not apologise. Give yourself a stern talking to and do not be guilted or made to feel sorry. Your only regret is you didn't leave as soon as it was clear he was drinking/doing drugs. Repeat to him that he is an adult and made his choice.

There is NO EXCUSE for what he has done, no matter what bad news he got it how stressful he found the situation. Life can be really hard but he is a parent and a partner and he should be ashamed of himself.

You are moving in baby steps, it would be better if you just ripped the plaster of and left, you will surprise yourself. Your son if growing up so fast, my four year old has s great memory and is so intuitive to situations and aware of hurt and feelings. You are going to blink and he will be a teenager blaming you for his unsettled childhood.

NotQuiteJustYet · 01/05/2016 00:58

OP I wouldn't bother with ultimatum's, you did a brave thing today when you took your DS out of that situation and took him home. Do it again!
Walk out and tell H not to bother getting in touch until he can prove he's cleaned up his act. If he loves you both as much as he bloody well should, he'll be at the doctors begging for help the next morning.
I know how difficult it is watching someone try to cope with addiction, and seeing them losing to their demons - but they're their demons, please don't let them destroy you too.

I don't doubt for a second you're a wonderfully supportive wife but sometimes people need more than what we can give them, and sometimes they need a massive frigging boot up their arse to make them see how fucking awful they've been.

emotionsecho · 01/05/2016 01:01

In your first post tonight, OP, you said your dh was aggressive with everyone, later on after he 'phoned you you sounded concerned that he put the 'phone down on you and was unhappy with you, you absolutely cannot be confident that he will not be violent towards you or your son.

A drunk, high, aggressive man who punches train walls does not have to take much of a step to punch people.

People around him today/tonight seemed, from what you say, to be afraid of him and fearful that he may be violent towards them if they sense that why don't you?

Don't risk your son's health and wellbeing on the false belief that your dh would 'never be violent to us' it's not worth it, your son is, and should be, far too precious to take that kind of chance with.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 01/05/2016 01:04

I think everysong that it's because in the past I'd become very adept at smoothing things down and Downplaying his actions and eventually hiding them, no One sees the consequences usually but after getting advice I just let it all happen for once and didn't do a thing to minimise or hide it.

OP posts:
Bambambini · 01/05/2016 01:05

Is this you - you have a partner who is going clean - apart from the dope etc he is still smoking because that doesn't count?

Hopefully you will reslise that it does count and continue moving on.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 01/05/2016 01:12

I don't think I was clear in the op. He wasn't aggressive to his family at the event. He was to the inlaws on the train with us and some random blokes.

His family don't want him. First time most of them have seen him this year. I'm going to have to leave. I know this now.

OP posts:
GarlicShake · 01/05/2016 01:12

No-one sees the consequences usually but after getting advice I just let it all happen for once and didn't do a thing to minimise or hide it.

Oh, well done! I can see what good progress this is. It worked, too, as you received support from your in-laws.

Now it's a little bit more "real", it does feel scary. At the same time, I hope this will galvanise you into taking full control of your son's security and your future as his mother.

I wouldn't lock out your drunk, tbh. Ideally, yes, but it sounds like he'd kick off and you don't need that today. Ignore him as far as possible.

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