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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

689 replies

HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 22:54

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

OP posts:
Dollytwat · 30/04/2016 23:42

Name change fail!
I lived with this shit for years, 10 years. I loved the very bones of that man. That eroded once we had ds1.

Money spent on drink and drugs. Every bank holiday ruined by him fucking off to get wasted. It's miserable. And he won't think you're fantastic for putting up with it.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 30/04/2016 23:42

Sweetheart, in the kindest way, listening means sod all if you don't act on it. I really do understand how hard this is. But you and your son are effectively being abused here. Your son will already be damaged from this, emotionally, and possibly physically if he is being exposed to drugs - I remember you saying before about equipment being around the house.

Use this opportunity whilst you have it.

Call the police. Tell them the situation. Tell them you need someone to come to the house to stop him from getting back in, to keep your son safe.

You say he's not happy with you and is on his way home. He's high, he's stoned, he's been causing arguments with people and punching objects. You are in serious danger here.

Please act now.

BillSykesDog · 30/04/2016 23:43

Do you have a friend you could go and stay with tonight? If he was starting on strangers it doesn't sound safe for you and DS to be around him.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2016 23:43

"Keep going with this protective instinct, that is the right thing to do."

Bollocks it is.

OP- seriously- is there anywhere you can go and take your child? If I was your mum I'd want you to come to me whatever time of night it is. If not, you say UTI can't double lock the door-if you leave your key in on the inside does that stop anyone unlocking it from the outside?

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/04/2016 23:43

Certainly he is pushing towards an inevitable conclusion op, you carry on focusing on your son and yourself, detaching yourself from this man.

I know it is hard, but you can do it.

Dollytwat · 30/04/2016 23:43

Apologies HP if that's what you meant

MrsJayy · 30/04/2016 23:45

Hp meant protecting the son and the op.

HPsauciness · 30/04/2016 23:45

I meant that walking away from him was the right thing to do! The OP knew what I meant.

Op the question is now how you can keep on doing this protective thing. I am genuinely worried that tonight he should not be back here with you. If you can't lock the door, can you call the police and let them know he shouldn't come back here, or even remove yourself from the environment (go to friend, hotel, family).

He is unpredictable, you didn't think that was going to happen today, did you? So, he's not stable and he's aggressive, time to look for an exit, not just tonight but to protect your son and you longer term.

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/04/2016 23:45

Pretty sure HP meant protective instinct re the op's son.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 30/04/2016 23:46

Holding - your son is a beautiful, innocent baby who's depending on you and his father to teach him about life. How to behave, how to treat people, what's right and what's wrong...

Have a think again about today and how life is in general at the moment. What are you both teaching him? Who is he going to grow up to be, living like this?

I get that you are scared of change. But, in my opinion, you should be a hell of a lot more scared about what NOT changing will do to your son.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:49

Ok bert that's a good idea. I'll leave the key in. I feel already like I should be apologising to him and I know that's wrong. This is horrible.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 30/04/2016 23:56

It will only get worse OP, what has your son done to deserve such a life? Change it please for his sake, don't let him be failed by both of his parents.

AriaTloak · 30/04/2016 23:56

My mind is boggled.
Genuinely!

How can you not look at your son & think this is it this is enough?

The most innocent of innocence in the world, a child, and you're letting this man ruin him... Scar him emotionally and set him up for a life of MH issues and a warped sense of normality.

I just don't get it?

Maryz · 30/04/2016 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotQuiteJustYet · 01/05/2016 00:01

OP, I think you need to seriously consider what Voldy is saying here. This is a highly volatile situation and when he gets home he's not going to be happy you've locked him out. If he's been punching walls and starting on strangers, what difference is it going to make to him to start kicking doors? Yours doesn't sound very secure with a broken lock sweetheart, and that's worrying.

You need to either find somewhere to take DS for the night or be prepared to call the police immediately if he kicks off. DO NOT LET HIM IN THE HOUSE.

cocochanel21 · 01/05/2016 00:03

I remember your other threads op

You really need to put your son first and be strong enough to get rid of him.

I've phoned the police before when my dd was in the same state as your DH. Sometimes i used to wish it was DH with the addiction because I would have run away from him and never looked back.

Dollytwat · 01/05/2016 00:05

Again, really sorry HP I misread your comment. You have excellent advice

Op what is the thing that is your final straw? What depth will you go to?

This is way beyond most people's - I've been where you are, you become accustomed to the chaos. This should be the thing he does that you draw a line under

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 01/05/2016 00:12

I know my normal is different from most people's but I'm changing. I've already got help for my own ongoing issues,my behaviour is changing in situations like this. I just need to get a little stronger.

He would never be violent to us.

OP posts:
AriaTloak · 01/05/2016 00:13

He may not be violent to you but he's violent around you.

That's enough to warp your sons mind.

emotionsecho · 01/05/2016 00:14

Your dh prioritises his addictions over you, your son, his family, other children, anyone and everyone. You and your son will never win in a competition with his addictions, you're not important enough, he doesn't love you enough.

You need to decide whether your priority is your dh and his addictions or your son, I hope you choose your son.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/05/2016 00:18

He would never be violent to us

Please don't kid yourself. Please. Someone who was a good friend is dead because she believed this. And because we believed her.

Breadandwine · 01/05/2016 00:19

To think, and not to act - is not to have thought at all! Hmm

Maryz · 01/05/2016 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 01/05/2016 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Costacoffeeplease · 01/05/2016 00:26

I remember your other threads too. Get away from him, fast and far, unless you want to live like this forever.