Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

689 replies

HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 22:54

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:14

No, luckily he slept through it.

I know he's a grown man but I honestly don't think right now he is capable of looking after himself out there. He was starting on random people and it only takes one to retaliate....

I'm a bit worried about him coming back but also would be so relieved.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/04/2016 23:15

You did exactly the right thing for the time. Your child needed his bed, the end.

As for tomorrow I would be locking him out tonight, have him carted off by the police if he hammers on the door to sober up in the cells and kicking him out tomorrow.

LilaTheTiger · 30/04/2016 23:15

What's the deal with where you live? Yours his, shared?

YouTheCat · 30/04/2016 23:16

Double lock your doors and hope the police pick him up.

He's not your responsibility. He has chosen to get in that state. Your child needs protecting from him.

ScarletOverkill · 30/04/2016 23:16

It's easy for me to say but I would go to bed and try to get as much sleep as possible. You worrying about him will make no difference to his current safety Flowers

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:16

Renting, so ours I guess.

OP posts:
UptownFunk00 · 30/04/2016 23:17

But he's not always out of it- he made the choice to give into temptation.

As he's a father it's not just about him.

WriteforFun1 · 30/04/2016 23:18

I think you've done the right thing

tbh it would be best if your DH was arrested and could cool off in a holding cell.

MrsJayy · 30/04/2016 23:18

I think if there is any trouble he will be arrested I know you are really worried but you cant keep on protecting him your son needs a healthy parent

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:20

I can't lock him out. Literally that lock is broken. It's just the key one to get in and out.
Also I don't want to. I just want him home safe

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 30/04/2016 23:20

Has something sparked this off? Do his family encourage it or put pressure on him to drink?

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 30/04/2016 23:21

I don't know who you are either, but from what you've said here, this man has been high, drunk, aggressive and violent in front of your 3 year old baby boy - and that's just today. You did absolutely the right thing to remove your child from that situation.

If I saw a man punching walls on a train, hard enough that he made himself bleed, I'd be shaken up and quite scared. I'm a fully grown woman. If I was THREE YEARS OLD and that man was supposed to be my DADDY, I imagine I'd be terrified and incredibly upset for a very long time.

Your child deserves never to be in that situation again. If your dh can't or won't sort out his issues, then I honestly think you need to take steps to leave and arrange his visitation in a safe, supervised environment. I don't think I've ever said ltb on here, but from what you've said, I really think you should.

Grilledaubergines · 30/04/2016 23:21

There's nothing you can do for him OP.

Misnomer · 30/04/2016 23:21

You did the right thing, OP. Your child is your priority.

Berthatydfil · 30/04/2016 23:21

I have no personal,experience of addictions but from what I have read the addict had to want to change and this usually means they have to reach rock bottom. So if you keep rescuing him or protecting him from the consequences of his actions he will never get there and will never have to want to change.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:22

A family member is very sick. No his family hate it. Especially drugs. He was smoking weed in front of all the kids in the garden this afternoon

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 30/04/2016 23:24

You are talking about his as if he's the victim, but he's punching walls and having a go at random strangers, that's incredibly aggressive and frightening behaviour. If you had a child with you you are lucky the police weren't called because it would be enough to alert social services.

Honestly, OP, why do you want him back? To go through this again? Something has to change, has to give, it's not ok and next time your child won't be asleep.

I would call the police if he turns up and is trouble.

Alisvolatpropiis · 30/04/2016 23:25

I know who you are, I think.

If you're who I think you are then as I said before, you're doing really well, keep going it will be worth it.

WhatsYourDamage · 30/04/2016 23:26

I don't know your history but I can tell you for certain that you need to get your child as far away from this situation as you can.

I had a parent like your partner and my other parent was too scared/lazy/misguidedly loyal to get us out and away. Me and my siblings grew up witnessing all kinds of fucked up shit and always being frightened. Even when things were calm we knew it was only a matter of time before things kicked off again. We were never not scared.

That parent's dead now. I felt nothing but relief when they died. My relationship with my other parent has been severely affected. I blame and resent them for not protecting us. It really has blighted my whole life. I don't think I'll ever be okay.

Fuck your partner. He's a grown man. I can't believe you actually want him to come home and that you're still willing to have him around your child TBH.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 30/04/2016 23:27

OP I recognize you. Each time you have posted about this situation you have been given a lot of advice, support and encouragement, and yet here you are again. It will keep on going. It will keep happening. You and your son will keep being exposed to this. He might be three now, and sleeping through his father being violent in public, but he won't always be. Punching things is just one step away from punching people - including both of you.

You need to get out of this, you need to get your son out. You can't fix this man. You can, however, keep your child safe.

If you can't lock your husband out tonight, what you do need to do is call the police, warn them what has happened, because it puts you at risk.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:27

He just called and said I'm at xxxxx station what's the best way back'? I said I don't know and he said 'thanks very helpful' and hung up. Not happy with me I guess.

OP posts:
WhatsYourDamage · 30/04/2016 23:28

Oh he's not happy with you??

That's a bit rich isn't it?

Why aren't you telling him to fuck off and not come back?

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 30/04/2016 23:28

So actually not only his man has been high, drunk, aggressive and violent in front of your 3 year old baby boy, but he actually exposed him - and other children - to drugs and drug taking first hand.

I understand that you love this man - but surely you can see that this is not ok? If you are protecting your dh from his actions and decisions and acting as if this behaviour is acceptable on an level - who is protecting your son?

thecatfromjapan · 30/04/2016 23:28

Seriously, don't feel guilty. He is not your 3 year old. He is actually an adult who is just behaving irresponsibly and sucking up your life and the life of your child.

You need to start feeling really angry about this behaviour.

The whole carousel of trauma, crisis, anxiety and guilt is clouding your judgement and preventing you from access to real anger.

He is more than an idiot. He's a danger to your (real) child.

AriaTloak · 30/04/2016 23:29

So many women putting up with abuse/exposing their DC to this kind of horrendous behaviour.

Swipe left for the next trending thread