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Original poster

I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

689 replies

HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 22:54

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/04/2016 23:29

You DH is an adult and can make a choice to behave stupidly and dangerously. Your DS is a vulnerable child and your duty of care to your DS outweighs any duty you might feel to protect your DH from himself. You have absolutely done the right thing.

Right now I imagine you are sick with worry so seeing him get home safely feels like the most important thing. However, don't let any relief you feel when he (hopefully) rolls in safely wipe away the memory of the awful time he has put you through tonight. Is this really how you want to live your life?
Put yourself and your DS first because let's face it, your DH has put his own needs/addictions before both of you today.

BertrandRussell · 30/04/2016 23:30

holdingpattern- is the anywhere you can go now so you're not there when he gets back? Your parents? A friend? A sibling?

AcrossthePond55 · 30/04/2016 23:30

You have done the right thing. Hopefully he'll get arrested and spend the night in the cells. Please do NOT rescue him!

You should lock him out, but if you cannot is there somewhere you and DS can go to get away from this vile excuse for a man?

Listen, I had to turn my back on my alcoholic brother. He had no one else, our mother has dementia, our sister is 1500 miles away. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. He ended up in a locked psych facility for 2 weeks after calling 911 for what I believe was a suicide attempt (he denies it). He is now 1 year sober, working part time, and back into playing his music.

Your DH cannot get sober or straight as long as someone is bailing him out.

thecatfromjapan · 30/04/2016 23:30

But well done on leaving him standing on the pavement. That was definitely a good decision.

You now need to hold on to the insight that you were looking after yourself and your child ... and stick with it.

He's not good in your lives. Sad

AriaTloak · 30/04/2016 23:30

Surely the need to protect and safeguard your child comes before your 'love' for this rank human being?

No?

Dollytwat · 30/04/2016 23:30

I've been where you are. And I've read your other threads. This doesn't get any better my sweet.

So the first thing you HAVE to do is to detach from it, which you have tonight. But emotionally as well. He's responsible for himself. Once you become a parent you become responsible for a small person.

If he won't do that, then you have to detach yourself and your ds. It's the only and best thing you can do.

My ex spent one night taking speed, drinking and getting more and more off his face. I had ds1 and two of his friends we were staying with. They suddenly saw what I was living with. I packed him and ds1 in the car and drive home. Then instead of the row he was expecting, I told him he'd lost the last two friends he had. They didn't want anything to do with him.

I told him I'd support him as his friend, but he could either sort it or fuck off. I wasn't even angry op.

WhatsYourDamage · 30/04/2016 23:30

I feel so sorry for your DS if this is the bleak future you're saddling him with.

WhatsYourDamage · 30/04/2016 23:31

This isn't love, it's co-dependency.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:31

I'm so scared, not of him but of change. I am listening voldy I promise. A few months ago I'd still be scouring the streets for him and instead I got us (me and ds) home. I'm changing and sorting myself out but it's huge. Things were going so well.

OP posts:
NicknameUsed · 30/04/2016 23:32

You aren't responsible for is behaviour.

You didn't cause his addiction
You can't control it
You can't cure it

You can take control of your own life and that of your son's. Why are you still with him?

SonjasSister · 30/04/2016 23:33

Ugh, I wouldn't be concerned in your situation, I'm pretty sure. I'd be flipping furious. I can just feel that sick dread of 'oh no not again, what's he going to do this time....?'

My dad occasionalkg got drunk and out of control, occasionally in public. Mortifying and terrifying all in one. Don't put your DS throigh this. Your 'partner' is not your responsibility. He is his responsibility.

WhatsYourDamage · 30/04/2016 23:33

What would make it possible for you to leave?

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:34

dolly I'm definitely starting to detach. Otherwise I couldn't have left him there.

OP posts:
DoTheMLMHustle · 30/04/2016 23:34

I also once left him in town as he wanted to get more wasted. I found out years later what happened to him. He told me he'd fallen asleep and been mugged. He'd actually propositioned my friend's SON (he was over 18) and got beaten up

Sympathy? Not from me

GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 30/04/2016 23:34

tbh I think you - even though I admire your loyalty to him - are not doing him any favours looking after him. So many times where people struggle with addictions, they need to hit rock bottom to actually see what they're doing and get themselves right again.

Your DS needs protecting from this, as PPs have said, that is where your main loyalty must lie. Your DP is in too bad a state for you to be able to help him. It's harsh, but countless parents, brothers, sisters, friends and partners have had to take that same hard road.

these people can help you

Blu · 30/04/2016 23:35

Op, why on earth would you feel guilty?
He should be grovelling in shame and falling over himself to apologise for his behaviour.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:35

alis I'm getting there, maybe tonight is a blessing in disguise.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 30/04/2016 23:36

Why did people tolerate him smoking drugs in front of children ???

Don't enable him by helping to get home. This won't get better . You need to have a long hard think Op. Is this the sort of person you want around your child?

HPsauciness · 30/04/2016 23:36

Keep going with this protective instinct, that is the right thing to do.

DoTheMLMHustle · 30/04/2016 23:37

Holding you can't change HIM
Seriously you can't. If you don't like the life you have with him, and who could, then you have to go and get that

No matter that you love him. He's doing this because he can't help it, he's addicted. His love for you won't change his behaviour. It's not connected.

Absofrigginlootly · 30/04/2016 23:38

I feel so sorry for your DS if this is the bleak future you're saddling him with.

^^this.

Used to work in HV. Saw a lot of shit. STILL cannot understand how women choose these feckless wankers over the emotional wellbeing and (sadly, often) physical safety of their children.

I feel sorry for you and have sympathy....but only to a point. Because it becomes a point where you are choosing this life. Fine if it's just you, not so fine if you're poor DS is stuck there too

MrsJayy · 30/04/2016 23:38

Hes not happy with you bugger that he has been smoking weed drinking punching walls and generally aggressive you were lucky somebody didnt call the police your priority is to your son allit would take was 1 call to Ss from a neighbour aboutthe safety of your child andthey would be involved .

DoTheMLMHustle · 30/04/2016 23:39

HP why are you advising the op to keep enabling him? It's shite advice.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 23:40

I think she meant protecting my son.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 30/04/2016 23:42

YY nickname. The '3 Cs' of stopping enabling.

I repeated them like a mantra for 3 months over my brother.