I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

[HoldingPatternDone]

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

wow I'm sorry but if my husband done even one of the following in the presence of my three year old son he'd be gone -

*punching train walls (even if asleep)
*being so wrecked he was swigging vodka straight talking to a homeless man who MAY of been dangerous
*being a total embarrassment in front of the whole family always
*using drugs
*not getting on the bus and accompanying me home in London when I had my son asleep
*kicking off at people you said

Fuck the taking things slowly with detaching you need to end it ASAP. That's shocking behaviour around your son and he needs protected from it and if you won't leave for his sake then I think ss need to be involved I'm sorry to say. Someone needs to make sure this little boy is out these situations his father creates.

You gave him a chance to change and he's proven he hasn't despite you thinking he had. He never will. Your son deserves better. End If before he is older and notices and doesn't sleep.through it.

I know that post is probably harsh but when iv just been and checked on my three year old lying soundly in his bed, it makes me angry that your little boys been around that today. Yet your concerned about your dh instead of fuming.

He's still not back and I'm going to get my head down. I promise we'll both stay safe.

Best of luck op, stay strong and keep your focus on your son not your husband.

If I were in your position OP I'd go somewhere for the night tonight and not be there when he gets home. Even if you have no-one you can go to, a travelodge if you can afford it. I mean, at this time of night the chances of him not coming home are high but as you can't lock him out, it's just your best option safety wise as you can't predict what he might do when he gets home.

Well done for refusing to cover for him anymore, an yes, for the sake of your son as well as yourself, you have to LTB

Hope you get some sleep op

Hmmm, what would mumsnetter be saying if a man locked a woman out her own home in 1c weather? Trying to getbhim arrested.

All for it I presume

That would I think rather depend on whether the woman was off her tits on both alcohol and drugs, behaving in an irrational and violent fashion and posing a danger to a small child, would it not?

These 'AND IF THE GENDERS WERE REVERSED' posts that seem to crop up on every thread are tiresome as fuck. Firstly, they aren't, so its irrelevant to the question and just smuggery/goady fuckery and secondly in most of the instances when this is said responses would be the same.

Besides which OP has said the double lock is broken and she can't lock him out.

Swiggity If the hypothetical woman had behaved as violently as OP's partner had today with attacking objects and starting on people, had been drinking and taking drugs, had rung the hypothetical man sounding 'unhappy with him' after her earlier behaviour and there was a vulnerable child in the house - absolutely I would tell him to lock her out and call the police.

Gender has nothing to do with it when it comes to preventing possible domestic violence.

When/if somebody reports him to the police for his violent actions, as you have a young child they willautomatically report to SS. They will then be very concerned that by staying with this man YOU are not protecting your son. I am a foster carer, and many of the children I have looked after are in care, not because of one parent's abusive actions, but the fact that the non abusive parent did nothing about it. Protect your son and GET OUT OF THERE NOW.

I do wish that F Four J would stop getting pissed and kicking up a stink on MN of a weekend, instead of actually thinking about why they dont have access to their kids.

And leopard is absolutely correct. I know a family where the kids have been removed from their mothers care because she put her marriage above the welfare of her children. "I luv 'im" meant more to her than her children. She was a very good mother to them in every way except the fact that she wanted to live with the man who spent every weekend getting pissed and then went home and beat the shit out of her more than she wanted to live with her children. And yet she still doesnt see why her kids are living with her sister.

I've read the first two pages, not the full thread (sorry). I just wanted to add my story.

My Dad is an alcoholic. I've known it for about 10 years, Mum and my two younger sisters both accepted it was true about four years ago. But my Mum had known deep in her heart for much longer.......

I had a lovely middle class, normal childhood until I was 13. One evening between loud music tracks I heard M&D arguing downstairs. Stuck my head out of my bedroom door, Mum was at the front door with her coat on. Seeing me she took the coat off, called me downstairs and sat meat the dining room table with her and Dad and made him tell me how he'd just lost his job due to being caught drink driving. Even at that age,hearing that the ban was for 4 years, I knew it wasn't the first time. Dad had a plan - banl loan to fund an MBA and keep us for the year it took to do it.

Fast forward a year, on his graduation, he went out and got so fucked that he called the police on himself. Mum had to wake me up at 1am as she was so scared. I was up all night talking to police, looking after Mum and telling Dad to go. He didn't.

I'm 36 now. She never left him. I've hated him ever since. I will never forget him (still drunk) standing behind me with his hands on my shoulders, talking right into my ear, with his beer breath right in my nose. I was 14 and having to miss a day of school as he'd kept me and Mum up all night with his shitty drunken behaviour. The day Mum accepted his massive problem was a big step.

She's since revealed that he actually got caught over the limit with me and her in the car when I was 2! I hate him, but he's never been violent or abusive. Other than the fact he puts drink before his family, he's a lovely man. So in the grip of it now though that he's been fired from his last 2 posts (senior uni lecturer). 64, won't get another job, and naturally he's racked up loads of debt.

Sorry for rambling, my reason for is essay is to illustrate to you the effect that it can have on your family. Don't let your lovely little boy be that teenager that has to miss school as he's been up all night looking after you. Don't be in my Mum's position where she has no idea what debt they face as a couple. Do what you need to do, but remember that if he has these issues, nothing will even begin to change until he accepts them.

Much love to you and your little boy. I hope you work it out xxx

Shit, loads oft typos, sorry folks!

You are of course not in the wrong to prioritise the needs of your very young child. It is sad that you would question yourself about it.

It is very difficult for addicts to change. The impetus and determination has got to come from them. As much as you love him you are not responsible for him and he won't change just because you desperately want him to. If you really want to protect your child you need to get him out of this situation. I know a man whose father drank heavily for much of his childhood. As he got older he felt responsible for his father in the way you do for your partner. His father died when he was in his late teens. Nearly 20 years later he still has the psychological scars and has had a troubled life. Don't let that be your son.

OP, do the right thing. Your life could be peaceful and your boy safe.

Dear OP I hope you and your little DS got some sleep last night. You did the right thing, taking your 3 yr old home and away from the situation.

You may love this man, but can you live with him?

There is no podium issuing an ultimatum, you've been there before

Whether you and your son leave, or you get him to leave, this has to be the end, now, today. He's not going to change, he's shown you that very clearly so you can now walk away, head high, you tried, he didn't

If he got himself into trouble with the police last night you'll likely have SS on your doorstep too, and if you don't protect your son, they'll do it for you

There is no POINT not podium!

I hope you and your DS managed to get some sleep last night and that you are doing ok this morning OP.
I think you know you have to leave now, for the sake of yourself and your son.
Gone is the chance for ultimatums, (false) promises to change and second chances.
It sounds as though your in laws now have at least a small idea of how bad he can be, maybe they and your own family could offer you a little support.
From a practical side of things try and get your paperwork in order, make an appointment with your local Citizens Advice or Council office to get the financial support.
But please please put an end to this, do it for your son if not for yourself.

Just giving my support. Please follow through on what you said and leave him. You can do it op. You will find the support you need and the knowledge that your ds is safe.

OP

You need to find that strength to tell him to leave. He is no good for you and especially no good for your DS.

Your in-laws sound like incredibly reasonable people. Have you considered asking them for support?

I hope you managed a peaceful night and that your DP did not return. It sounds like you are now getting the strength to start leaving him. Good luck.

Thanks for the replies. Ds is very clingy this morning and not keen on me mnetting! it's just the two of us here. Dh did come home and gave some half arsed apology but only after he realised I was pissed off. When I did change my behaviour after the first few apologies he then flipped and started swearing at me in front of ds. (apparently not sorry after all and just using all the words that usually make me go 'ok love, let's just get on with our day') He's gone now.

I hope you got some sleep OP. I keep my children away from my mum when she is drinking. I do not want them to go through what I went through. Only he can help himself. You can help you and your son.

That should be 'when I didn't change my behaviour.

Hope you are OK op, be strong for your boy he needs you