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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

689 replies

HoldingPatternDone · 30/04/2016 22:54

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

OP posts:
SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 03/05/2016 17:30

How are you today?

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 03/05/2016 17:35

Thanks everyone. Busy at work. Spoken to my Mum. I asked to go and stay next week so will tell her face to face.

No big developments other than that.

OP posts:
Janecc · 03/05/2016 17:51

You should be really proud of yourself. It's fine that you wanted people to tell you not to take the drugs and reach out. I don't see it as being weak, you were actually admitting that you couldn't do it in your own and all the other mumsnetters were acting as virtual sponsors. I hope that you are able to get the support from your mum that you need. Is she supportive and will she help you to stay clean and away from him?

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/05/2016 17:53

That's a pretty big development, don't talk yourself down. The more support you have irl, the better.

SecretSquirrelsSecretFriend · 03/05/2016 18:00

That's fantastic. And I'm glad you went to work. It would have been easy not to go in.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 03/05/2016 18:03

Great that you've made plans with your mum and will be nice for your son as well. The more people you tell, the more real it becomes.
You're coping well in a difficult situation so every step forward is a mini triumph Smile
It sounds as though the evenings are a difficult time for you so be aware of that and keep strong. You're still quite vulnerable. Any distraction to stop you dwelling on things is good, a bath, call a friend, clean the house, anything really when your thoughts get too much. It'll get easier.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 03/05/2016 18:49

Holding that is a fantastic development - well done!

starry0ne · 03/05/2016 21:08

You are making big steps..You need to be very honest with SS about your H behaviour.. This could affect contact..This is very important..It is about putting your DS again.. Not H..
Well done on contacting your mum... Can I ask...Is she a supportive mum? Lots of people have been adamant you need to tell your mum.. My Mum would be last person I would tell I would get more support from others..

Breadandwine · 03/05/2016 21:15

Holding - you've come such a long way in such a short time. I'm full of admiration! Flowers

HoldingPatternDone · 03/05/2016 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Costacoffeeplease · 03/05/2016 22:38

Another name change fail? Do you want to report to mnhq?

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 03/05/2016 22:47

Shite, reported! I'm no good at juggling more than one name at a time Blush.

OP posts:
Lemonade1 · 04/05/2016 06:27

Well done Holding, you are getting there. Stay STRONG. Remember why you have to do this. No going back. Have a good day, love.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 04/05/2016 06:56

Thanks, it's not getting easier but it's getting more bearable. after taking all of nineties suggestions for a peaceful evening I wrote dh a Very long letter (not sure if I'll ever give it to him) detailing how he's let me down over the last few years. So it's all fresh in my mind.

What I was trying to type to starry before having another name change failure was that my Mum is a lovely and understanding mum who I've continually let down. I didn't have any kind of bad upbringing at all, the rest of my family aren't like this. My dad has a drink problem but it's mild and he's only ever been a danger to himself.

SS will ask why dh isn't there on Thursday so yeah, I'll have to be honest.

OP posts:
ChishandFips33 · 04/05/2016 07:03

OP to coin a phrase

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got

ChishandFips33 · 04/05/2016 07:05

Sorry hit post too soon!

OP to coin a phrase

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got

You're beginning to make small changes now which means you are beginning to control yours and your sons future...hopefully for the better

Stay strong but keep it real and be open and honest - the early steps are bound to be the hardest

Pseudo341 · 04/05/2016 07:17

How are you feeling today Holding?

Janecc · 04/05/2016 09:16

The letter is great. It doesn't matter if you give it to him or not. You may one day to decide to give it or maybe a different version of the letter. Or you may even choose to burn it as a symbolic release from your old life.

Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 04/05/2016 09:23

I'm ok thanks.
It was good to write it all down. There's lots of stuff and feelings I've made myself forgot that are coming up to the surface now.

I'll do my best to be honest to myself. It's so easy to slip back into the old way of thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoldingPatternDone · 04/05/2016 09:25

What I should have said in my first post today was how he's let me and ds down. Not just me. That came across as selfish.

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 04/05/2016 09:36

Keep looking back at your old threads too - it'll all help keep your situation in perspective Flowers

Lweji · 04/05/2016 09:43

Most of us who've been in an abusive relationship are "guilty" of the same: forgetting or overlooking the worst stuff and concentrating on the good points.
It's good that you are getting out of the fog, or the boiling water. Without him you can see things more clearly.
But it's natural for everyone to want company and support and cling to whatever gave it to us, even if the rest is crap. But it's the crap you have to concentrate on and reject.

starry0ne · 04/05/2016 09:46

Glad that is the kind of mum you have..She is probably well aware of how he is.. She will probably be very proud you have kicked him out..

The letter sounds a great step .. I don't think you need to give it to him..This is about you and well done for recognising how he has let you both down...

Soon you will realise how more peaceful and relaxed everything is but doesn't mean you won't grieve for the relationship you once had.

I went to a refuge when I left my ex.. Deep down I knew it was over but it still took me months to know I couldn't change him and he was never going to be the husband or Dad we both deserved...

When do you have counselling again? It may well be worth seeing if you could bring appointment forward under cicrumstances

Duckdeamon · 04/05/2016 11:59

That all sounds great.

But you seem to be minimising your dad's alcohol problem. Is he still with your mum?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/05/2016 12:27

Agree with Duck.

You may have grown up with a father with alcohol problems, so it's your normal.

But it's not actually normal. Living with an addict, functioning addict or not, will have taught you that's his behavior is normal, and it's also normal to have a relationship with an addict, and support that addict.

I'm glad your mum sounds nice. I think it's a great step forwards to be planning on telling her what's going on.

But I'd question what your childhood taught you - she might not have been horrible or an addict herself, but that doesn't make her perfect. At some point if you're having counselling, this might be something to think about.

Addiction and compensating for addicts behavior runs deep in you.