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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I just the 'OW' and don't realise it?

281 replies

kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 11:51

I'm a first time poster and could do with some advice. From reading MN I think I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism, but maybe I need that, I don't know.

I'm 29. I've been seeing a man who is 52 for the last 10 months. We meet every lunch time (work in different places but same city). We go home together, sometimes meet for breakfast, have dinner or coffee every evening. We've never had sex but have been intimate. We love each other. He's married but hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request. I'm a secret because of his two kids. In a year, his youngest goes to university and him and his wife have already discussed splitting at that point and are together for the kids.

I have had a blunt conversation with him about 'us.' What we are etc. He said he'd marry me but couldn't give me what I wanted, and that if I was happy with having maybe 15 'good' years with him, then he'd be with me. He also says if I ever want to stop meeting and spending time together, he will accept that instantly but will always be there for me.

I feel so confused. He claims to not want to be open about us because of his kids and that his wife wouldnt obviously stay living with him if she knew he was seeing me..which would then disrupt the kids. He says in a year it will change. I then ask why would she care if you both say the marriage has been over for 7 years anyway? I've said to him that anyone would tell me that he was taking me for a ride. He then shows me texts and so on that prove his points (they could be fake but i don't believe they are as the first time we had the chat he got his phone out to show me so couldnt have prepared them).

I also feel confused because i would hands down marry him in weeks were the situation different and he was younger. I've been on dates since I started seeing him, mainly because there's no real future with him. But I love this man and it sounds like such a cliche I know.

Feel confused as to how to handle the whole thing and it;s come to a head this morning when I just knew I needed some advice. Please help me get my head together on this...I'm such a strong, decisive person in other areas of life!

OP posts:
Valentine2 · 30/04/2016 20:10

lyingwitch
you summed it up so well. Specially the point about it being a bank holiday. No one in their right mind will say all these together:

  1. too old for me
  2. will leave if I ask to commit
  3. haven't allowed him to have sex with me until he is sure but yeah he can get it up
  4. his wife and kids shouldn't know I exist but his marriage is broken

Not to someone in RL anyway.

JackandDiane · 30/04/2016 20:16

do people really go for coffees with people they bump into? Sounds a bit Richard Curtis to me.

Maybe I don't bump the right way

bomfunk · 30/04/2016 20:27

Oh god, I'm not going to be harsh with you, I'm sensitive to the fact that breaking it off will be really hard, but I'm glad you're seeing that a lot of what he says doesn't really stack up. It's easy to look at something from the outside in and it looks perfectly obvious, but I can understand how you've been gradually drawn in. Call it off. A little short term pain, but you'll look back in a few weeks/months/years and wonder what you were thinking (I think you're already coming to this realisation). Age means nothing, but honesty is everything and you're not getting this, so it will never really work. I completely understand the getting caught up in the romance, but your life can be much simpler and happier without this wanker (he really is!!). Cut your losses, before you sink any deeper into this seedy relationship. No flaming from me, be kind to yourself, heal and move on x

bomfunk · 30/04/2016 20:28

merd is bang on the money

DarrenHardysDrongo · 30/04/2016 21:15

I'm another who feels this is very familiar.

OP did you post about this towards the end of last summer, September time?

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 21:30

Thanks for replying. Understand why people are critical of me. I've been naive and even turned a blind eye to the reality maybe. I came on here for a reality check, and with that I have told it exactly how it is. None of what I've said is written to make me seem more innocent.

No I've never posted about this. Or even posted on MN. I came here today because the last two weeks have caused me to question this man and I needed advice and views from the outside because I can't do that on my own when I feel like this about him.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 30/04/2016 21:33

So what's the plan going forwards?

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 21:35

Plan is to not see him again and to find someone with no secrecy involved.

OP posts:
DarrenHardysDrongo · 30/04/2016 21:39

Thanks OP, story sounded familiar so thanks for clearing that up.
I hope you're able to stay away from him and find someone to be in a legitimate relationship with.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 21:45

Thank you. I think it's going to be hard. Speak to him so much that it's going to feel strange.

I'm going to re read all these posts when I feel I can't do it!

OP posts:
springydaffs · 30/04/2016 21:46

It's hard - I feel for you. Stick with it. When (and there probably will be a when) you are tempted, play back what a shit deal this is for you. It really is abysmally shit.

As well as a shit deal for his wife and family, of course. The only one it isn't a shit deal for is him. Not really.

Joysmum · 30/04/2016 21:48

Plan is to not see him again and to find someone with no secrecy involved

That's your idea, but it will be difficult.

You need a plan to get you through the difficult times and situations you'll undoubtably face as you'll probably be challenged by him or bump into him.

It'll make things so much easier for yourself if you've got some idea of how to cope when this happens.

Inertia · 30/04/2016 22:04

Joysmum is right- you need alternative plans. He'll probably seek you out in your usual cafes. Can you eat lunch at work, meet friends for dinner, join a gym? You need to be elsewhere.

Look on the bright side. You can dump him like the deadweight sack of potatoes he is. His poor wife is married to this cockwomble. His children are being used as his bleating excuses for a midlife crisis. At least you don't have any ties to him.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 22:09

Thank you for all your support.

What is hard is that he's so attentive and caring towards me. I KNOW I can do better and that he's getting his cake and eating it too etc but that's why it is hard. I know he will be upset, and I do care about him even though I'm also angry and confused.

I'm going to read this over and over. It's helping a lot. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 22:12

I'm going to make myself busy is the first plan. So no lunch or breakfasts are free. And that will also distract me, I hope.

OP posts:
biptinthebud · 30/04/2016 22:14

Just think of his wife and kids, instead of how he makes you feel. The impact on them. That should be enough of a turn off

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 22:15

I am doing. I've been thinking of it completely differently so it's hard to adjust.

I know this is the right thing to do though

OP posts:
Joysmum · 30/04/2016 22:20

Best of luck with thinking of coping strategies. It won't be easy but you, and his family, deserve better Flowers

biptinthebud · 30/04/2016 22:20

Yes, good luck and stay strong

AcrossthePond55 · 30/04/2016 22:26

You do what you feel is best, but if it were me I'd just tell him flat out (by text if it's easier for you) that you no longer want to see him and to not contact you again, not to approach you if he sees you. Then delete and block his number.

If you just say you're busy he'll keep pestering you and your resolve may weaken. You do NOT owe him any explanation for why you've decided to end things. He isn't stupid, he'll know why.

Flufflepuff · 30/04/2016 22:42

Yy AcrossThePond

IsmellSwell · 30/04/2016 22:50

Okay, so why not tell him you're looking at suitable homes for the two of you and will need his details for the mortgage application - and while you're at it say you're researching venues for the wedding and ask which of his "side" he'd like to invite?

OP won't see him for dust. Grin

I also think he has erectile dysfunction, which could be the real reason he isn't having sex with his wife and more than likely also the reason he hasn't tried shagging OP yet.
When you take away all the bullshit, it's plain to see that he is using OP as a tool to boost his flagging middle aged ego.
In his warped mind, hanging round with a girl young enough to be his daughter makes him feel young.

It's sad and slightly pathetic when you stop to think about it Hmm

NoMudNoLotus · 30/04/2016 22:53

Some people feel sorry for you.

I don't.

You're 29 & old enough to know better.

Women like you are family wreckers.
He has children and a wife and you will be complicit in so causing so much hurt.
I have no sympathy.

DollyTwat · 30/04/2016 23:07

Mate at your age I was out having fun, going to parties, not hanging about with grandpa

I reckon you've made the mistake of turning what could have been just a nice friend, into something more.

I'm willing to bet he's older than he says he is as well. Go and have fun with people your age

NoMudNoLotus · 30/04/2016 23:14

Also, in addition to all the other suggestions - I would work on finding your conscience.