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Original poster

Am I just the 'OW' and don't realise it?

281 replies

kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 11:51

I'm a first time poster and could do with some advice. From reading MN I think I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism, but maybe I need that, I don't know.

I'm 29. I've been seeing a man who is 52 for the last 10 months. We meet every lunch time (work in different places but same city). We go home together, sometimes meet for breakfast, have dinner or coffee every evening. We've never had sex but have been intimate. We love each other. He's married but hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request. I'm a secret because of his two kids. In a year, his youngest goes to university and him and his wife have already discussed splitting at that point and are together for the kids.

I have had a blunt conversation with him about 'us.' What we are etc. He said he'd marry me but couldn't give me what I wanted, and that if I was happy with having maybe 15 'good' years with him, then he'd be with me. He also says if I ever want to stop meeting and spending time together, he will accept that instantly but will always be there for me.

I feel so confused. He claims to not want to be open about us because of his kids and that his wife wouldnt obviously stay living with him if she knew he was seeing me..which would then disrupt the kids. He says in a year it will change. I then ask why would she care if you both say the marriage has been over for 7 years anyway? I've said to him that anyone would tell me that he was taking me for a ride. He then shows me texts and so on that prove his points (they could be fake but i don't believe they are as the first time we had the chat he got his phone out to show me so couldnt have prepared them).

I also feel confused because i would hands down marry him in weeks were the situation different and he was younger. I've been on dates since I started seeing him, mainly because there's no real future with him. But I love this man and it sounds like such a cliche I know.

Feel confused as to how to handle the whole thing and it;s come to a head this morning when I just knew I needed some advice. Please help me get my head together on this...I'm such a strong, decisive person in other areas of life!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/04/2016 12:18

You're closer in age to his children than to him, aren't you?

The fact is he's not free to be with you and you don't seem sure whether you'd want him anyway. End it now and find someone your own age with whom you can have a real and open relationship.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 12:18

he probably can't get it up

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 12:20

He's the worst kind of adulterer. He's doing it for the "romance"

I would have more respect for him if he was simply after a shag

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 12:20

Thanks for replying. Feeling less alone and it is helping me think it through.

He talks to me every night, from 9pm until whenever I say I'm going to sleep. I would be surprised if he was managing to share a bed at the same time. So I believe him about that.

He has never tried to encourage being physical with me. He's never been 'after sex.' So I don't think that's what he's looking for, and if it is he's waited 10 months and surely he would have looked elsewhere if that's what he wanted?

So I believe him for those reasons. We do talk about things rather than avoiding topics. He's always saying 'one day you will break my heart when you leave me.' And then I say we'll be with me then, and he says after the youngest leaves.

Don't know what to think. Maybe I should be thinking this is too much hassle and that's it. But I do love him, and I'm hugely cynical, I don't fall in love quickly.

OP posts:
QueenLaBeefah · 30/04/2016 12:21

There are 3.5 billion men on this planet. Why on earth are you wasting your time on this loser?

bittapitta · 30/04/2016 12:21

surely he would have looked elsewhere if that's what he wanted?

You mean his wife, who he is shagging?

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 12:23

Thank you for the replies.

I trust him apart from the reasons for the secrecy. Which is a huge part really isn't it!!!

As for the age... I don't think I should have to defend that. You can't filter feelings on age and I didn't specifically seek out an older man.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 30/04/2016 12:23

hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request

It doesn't add up, the DC is a young adult and his/her parents are pretending the marriage is OK and yet they live in different parts of the house????? That doesn't ring true to me.

I bet your parents would be proud to know you are being intimate with a married man.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 12:24

Agree that I am wasting my time. Time to stop the entire thing. Which will be hard but worth it I hope.

OP posts:
Ilovetorrentialrain · 30/04/2016 12:24

Sorry but how in the world can you 'not realise it'? Of course you're his bit on the side.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2016 12:24

OP, he was 22 or 23 when you were born! He's probably been married that long, too.

Do yourself a favour and end this relationship. It's going nowhere at all and you risk hurting his wife very deeply if she finds out.

QueenLaBeefah · 30/04/2016 12:24

Trust him? You don't even know him.

Have you ever been to his house? Met his children? Been introduced to his friends? I'm guessing no.

lavenderhoney · 30/04/2016 12:26

you don't even have sex! Stop wasting your time talking every night, and go out with friends and meet someone avaialable. The fact you seem to not be nagging for sex either is interesting-

He's told you he doesn't want to leave his wife, he's told you to leave him. And I expect all this no sex bollocks would be news to his wife.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 12:26

I understand the questions about whether I know him. And yes I have met his friends and some know about us. So it's not like that.

But it's true that he could be lying. And how could I know for sure. I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 12:27

I'm not nagging for sex because I want to be properly open before any of that. Complicated enough as it is.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 30/04/2016 12:28

He might not be using you for sex because he's getting that somewhere else, apart from you and his wife? He talks to you from 8 until you fall asleep...maybe his wife is watching TV and he's 'working'? There are so many ifs, buts and maybes about this, you are having to rely on his version of events to live your life...do you really want to have to hang on, dependent on the word of a man (who is already a self-confessed cheater, because he's cheating with you) for the rest of your youth?

You may love him. He may love you. But he's a liar and you're hanging on his every word, so ditch him and let him make up his own mind about his marriage without you as a lovely safe fall-back.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2016 12:29

It's seedy, isn't it, chatting to him while his wife's in the house, oblivious to the fact her husband's having intimate conversations with another woman?

QueenLaBeefah · 30/04/2016 12:30

Maybe his wife is at work?

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 12:30

No I don't want to hang on. He's a cheater. Just feel... I don't know what really. I trusted him and when it comes down to it, there's a lot to question. He's cried before when I said I didn't think I could see him again. So confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 12:31

I don't know if I would call it seedy because based on what he has said they are not really even a couple apart from practicality. I'm being naive aren't I...

OP posts:
kissedbyamoonbeam · 30/04/2016 12:31

Does he actually talk? Or text?

kissedbyamoonbeam · 30/04/2016 12:31

In the late evening I mean.

Emtwizzle · 30/04/2016 12:32

I think you need to consider what ALaughAMinute has said. If you want to give up your 30s for this guy you may end up also giving up your chance of having children. You may not think about it at this stage of life, but it may be really important to you later.

Original poster
kathymyskies · 30/04/2016 12:32

Just text. Sometimes talk but he's v quiet. He admits he doesn't want his wife to know we speak. And I question it and he says she would be insulted when they live together still, but she still knows it is over. Writing that is making me feel so stupid. How can that be true. I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/04/2016 12:32

You were sucked in by a little bit of nice-nice, then a little bit more, then a little more and so on. It is flattering and makes you feel good in the moment. His narrative is plausible on paper, but then it is designed to be. The texts would already be there from the previous ow he used. You only have his word-why would he lie? To get in your knickers...end of, even if he is playing the long game and having you make a time investment-that is another facet of the manipulation/seduction.

Recommended book: Smart Women, Foolish Choices.

You know he is a cheat. Even if he did leave his wife, do you want to end up with a cheat? No.