Am I just the 'OW' and don't realise it?

[kathymyskies]

I'm a first time poster and could do with some advice. From reading MN I think I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism, but maybe I need that, I don't know.

I'm 29. I've been seeing a man who is 52 for the last 10 months. We meet every lunch time (work in different places but same city). We go home together, sometimes meet for breakfast, have dinner or coffee every evening. We've never had sex but have been intimate. We love each other. He's married but hasn't been intimate with his wife for 7 years and sleep in different parts to the house on his wife's request. I'm a secret because of his two kids. In a year, his youngest goes to university and him and his wife have already discussed splitting at that point and are together for the kids.

I have had a blunt conversation with him about 'us.' What we are etc. He said he'd marry me but couldn't give me what I wanted, and that if I was happy with having maybe 15 'good' years with him, then he'd be with me. He also says if I ever want to stop meeting and spending time together, he will accept that instantly but will always be there for me.

I feel so confused. He claims to not want to be open about us because of his kids and that his wife wouldnt obviously stay living with him if she knew he was seeing me..which would then disrupt the kids. He says in a year it will change. I then ask why would she care if you both say the marriage has been over for 7 years anyway? I've said to him that anyone would tell me that he was taking me for a ride. He then shows me texts and so on that prove his points (they could be fake but i don't believe they are as the first time we had the chat he got his phone out to show me so couldnt have prepared them).

I also feel confused because i would hands down marry him in weeks were the situation different and he was younger. I've been on dates since I started seeing him, mainly because there's no real future with him. But I love this man and it sounds like such a cliche I know.

Feel confused as to how to handle the whole thing and it;s come to a head this morning when I just knew I needed some advice. Please help me get my head together on this...I'm such a strong, decisive person in other areas of life!

Trouble is, this story could be true. He could well have withdrawn from the marriage because he's too hurt; she could well be on the rampage because their marriage isn't firing on all cylinders (sex). It's impossible to tell.

The mistake was going for a coffee with him in the first place. IF you are ever in a similar position again, it starts with the coffee ok? If you don't go for the coffee (with someone who is unavailable) it doesn't open up this world of hurt and anguish. For all involved.

It could be true he can't leave his wife while his eldest is going through A levels (and younger kids going through GCSEs?). It could be true that when the decks are clear of kids they may be forced to sort this out Eg have blazing rows the kids can't hear.

But then again it looks uncannily like the script.

Do you want kids? Honestly, hand on heart? Think about that if you do. Think about that your life was sailing along on good tracks but then you got hustled into a siding.... And never had kids, never had a fulfilling life with a person who is your equal in all ways. Think about what the huge attraction when you met him will cost you.

Plus if his wife is on the warpath now, think how she'll be if the marriage ends. She won't be easy. Think about the kids in all this - I know you have already, but think about how this is going to pan out over years if he leaves his wife. It won't be pretty, it'll be a mess for quite a long time.

IF he ever intended to leave, of course.

He said he'd leave now if I wanted to marry him.

Op you have repeatedly said you would marry him/would want to marry him.

So why hasn't he left his wife?

ungoogle I actually don't believe that you would be saying it is perfectly OK to be in a relationship knowing that they are still in a relationship!!

Nope, pretty sure I didn't say that.

Are women just now plain bitches to other women?! I despair

Yes, some are. But I don't believe that OP is. And again with the blaming the OW - does the poor man have no choice in this affair? How is this at all about a woman being a bitch to another woman, when it really should be about a man playing off two women at the same time?

I was that wife Imperial Blether...the last one to know in other words.

God knows what lines my exh fed them to get them hooked. I think he must have cracked on he had serious money as he was a little fat twat.

Not saying your philanderer is btw OP.
I know one of my exh ow spent Christmas alone wondering when ( she already knew the why) he was going to come and service her.

In desperation she used to drive by my house to see if his car was there...yes, that's where he lived!

If it hadn't been happening to me, I daresay I could have felt sorry for her.

Do you really want to be that woman OP, having the crumbs from another woman's table.

That's putting aside the fact he's 23 years older than you. Yes I know it can work and some people go on to having loving fulfilled relationship, but he's been there and got the t shirt with his wife.

If this was your daughter...would you tell her to cling on till the magic fairy tale produced its happy ever after and would you tell her to get rid.

With a younger woman My piece of doo doo thought he was cock of the north...oh he was!

What happened to my family OP and my husband was about the same age as your dipstick.

My son stayed loyal to his dad as well as me.

My daughter tried to maintain a relationship but he acted like such a dick to her that she cut him out of her life. He went from caring dad to uncaring dad when she was pregnant.

No one liked his wife..and that wasn't the first ow, it was the second. So family occasions weren't because half his family weren't there.

The woman that breaks up a parents marriage is never going to be really liked by the mans kids unless mum was some sort of horrible, nasty person that even the kids felt dad could do better...I think that's quite a rare scenario so youre always going to have a lifetime of animosity there.

Is he worth all of that.

you are definitely the ow and I do always wonder why woman allow themselves to become the other woman I can only assume it is low self respect for yourself.

Him sleeping in separate parts of the house to his wife and them not having sex could be a complete lie, you are very trusting to believe this of a man that is behaving this way with you behind his wife's back. The same goes for him saying they already talked about breaking up when there child goes to uni, that's convienent isn't it.

Do you not feel any sadness for his wife? How would you feel if a partner was behaving this way behind your back?

Say he did leave his wife for you, your 29 him 52 that is a large age gap. What about your future children, etc? You'd be at totally separate stages in life have you thought about this.

he said he'd leave now if I wanted to marry him you've only known him 10 months it sounds to me just a line he's given you.

The best thing to do would be cut all contact, push him to the back of you mind. If he then leaves his wife at a later date by his own choice and you still want to be with him then that's your choose.
Although the I suspect the fact your 29 has given his ego a bloody big boost.

You deserve to be treated well by a man, not like this

Bearing in mind comments from posters on other threads who have been the wife in this situation, there's a chance that he's actually using his late-night conversations with you as titillation before he goes to have sex with his wife. And his wife may well be thinking that she's got a perfectly happy marriage with an active sex life.

I was hurt by my husband's affair long before I found out about it. It hurt when he came home late every day and then went and sat in another room "writing work emails" until long after I had gone to bed. It hurt when he started criticising me, giving me blank looks, treating me differently in bed on the few occasions I did manage to persuade him to have sex. It hurt when he refused to make plans to go on holiday. It hurt when he spent less and less time with me or the kids and was absent even when he did, walking a couple of steps ahead or behind. It hurt when he refused to go to couples counselling. It hurt when I started to guess what might be up, but couldn't prove it, and he got angry with me for not trusting him. It hurt when I asked him to leave as it was driving me mad, but he said he was staying for the next six months for the sake of the children, yet again making me the baddie. It hurt when family and friends clearly blamed me for our problems (turned out he'd been telling porkies about me wanting to leave). Obviously it also hurt when I read the pornographic emails he'd exchanged with his mistress (es). But the time before the big reveal was not all roses and kittens either.

My ex H got off on asking me to dress up sexy and then he was online chatting to OW. i wonder if the reason he hasn't had intercourse with you is justification to himself that he hasn't actually cheated yet. He can say to his wife when she finds out that you didn't have sexy you were just a flirtation. Either that or he can't get it up?

He's always saying 'one day you will break my heart when you leave me.'

I suspect this is projection, OP. He is telling you what he will do to you.

He's discussing his sexual issues with his wife to you! And saying he does plan sex with her if things get better. I strongly suggest you point out hanging round coffee shops with you doesn't sound like he's trying too hard, as you leave. Alone.

Why don't you want sex with him? Is he really just someone you've chatted to and now you don't want him? Or do you think he will push off if you do get into bed with him? It's ok to fuck him off you know.

And yes, get some new friends near work. If he found the time to meet you, someone else will. And all this texting! Turn your phone off and go out.

At the end of the day, you have nothing to lose by ending it. You say you were happy being single (and I'm sure you will enjoy being single again and not having to feel insecure about his motives and actions). If you leave you have many years ahead of you to meet somebody wonderful. And if he does eventually leave his wife then you can always make a more informed, sensible decision at that point whether you really want to be with a man 23 years older who is going through a messy divorce and has children not much younger than you!

If his marriage is over then he will leave regardless of whether you are in his life or not. If he doesn't leave, he is either very weak or has been feeding you lines and not being completely truthful about the situation.

You are at a point where you can be strong and do the right thing for everybody. Won't you feel better if you take that decision now? I know how tough it is but it honestly does sound like you know you should finish things - you just need the support and strength to do so.

OP, I've just read the whole thread and yes, you are the OW (what else could you be, he's married).
What he says about his marriage and not having sex with his wife is unverifyable. You don't know.
Another big issue is that even you yourself don't know if you want him: in several of your posts you've expressed doubts because he's too old. But you say you love him.
I also think it's strange he has not had sex with him. You say he does not have erectile disfunction - how do you know? Because he says so, or because you've seen it during your "intimate" times?
In any case: you've already wasted 10 months of your life on him. Ditch and find a man your age who is not married.

*he has not had sex with you.

Some of these later posts must be difficult to read OP but it's important to know the real effect an extramarital affair can have. You can't live with your head in the sand.

You should welcome this wake up call, see it as a chance to reset your moral compass and say to yourself in a future relationship you'll make sure you treat yourself and others with the respect you deserve.

When my H and I were sleeping in separate rooms. And the (adult) kids asked why. He told them it was because of our snoring.
Bit easier than saying he was a lying cheating scumbag.

Please leave this relationship. You deserve a better life.

Thanks for replying. I'm glad I have asked for advice because I had suspicions that he wasn't being entirely honest with me and I felt so confused about it all. I can't believe someone can lie about things like this, and the more I think about what doesn't add, the more stupid I feel. I really trusted him and actually felt sorry for him at one point! Maybe there is truth in some of what he has said but that doesn't excuse it and I feel embarrassed and naive for having even considered he was sincere.

What are you going to do ?

You keep saying "he's too old", Kathy, therefore whether you're the OW or not, there's no real reason to be with him.

I know you say that you're confused but actually, you're not, he's too old for you according to you.

Spend a bit of time on you working out what it is that you want and don't entertain being in a relationship with a married man because it will end up in heartbreak for you.

He's given you the 'out'. Take it. Wish him well and end it. Don't look back.

You sound very familiar, by the way, Kathy, have you posted about this situation previously?

This is my experience of being involved as a sister in law - My brother in law has had a string of other women, some of them we met, he told me that he would leave his wife for them and I initially believed him like his OW did. I believed him when he said his marriage was over. He talked about his wife like they were just friends and not sleeping together, he said he was just waiting for his youngest son to leave home or his wife to finish some medical treatment - or whatever. Some of his OW were really lovely and really believed him when he said he was going to leave his wife. He never did and I know that some off these women were badly hurt

Whenever i saw bil with his family cooking a meal etc I knew that he was happy within his family and he would never leave his wife and family. His daughters in their 30's knew he had ow and told me that this is how their dad is and they knew he'd never leave their mum. But like his daughters said he just needs the ego boost and the excitement of having another woman.

You deserve better than this op

I fail to see what you get out of this other than a free lunch every day?

Have you been in many relationships before? You sound almost innocent and like he is majorly taking advantage of this.

I am sorry this has caused you so much anquish but it is only going to get worse.

Kathy... I think 'self-preservation' is what you're trying for on this thread. Your statement of "He's too old for me" is completely incongruous with "If I wanted to be with him he'd leave now". Because you know that he won't. He will not do that. I think you desperately would like him to because far from being 'too old for you', he's the man that you've fallen for and you have posted the way you do because you don't want people to post harsh truths to you so that you have to read them.

It's no coincidence that it's a bank holiday; a sad, mad time for many OW everywhere as your man is out of contact.

If you do actually believe what you're saying, that he's too old for you then take this time to really think about what the truth of your situation is. It's not at all what you've posted here, in my opinion (and I've been where you are). Be honest with yourself if with nobody else.

Never was this more apt; The truth shall set you free.

Get out OP.

Life is too short for this shit.

He's having his cake and eating it OP.
Sorry but you're no better than him, there's plenty of single men out there instead of stealing someone else's.

I feel sorry for his wife. On second thoughts I hope he leaves her to find someone better cos you two sound like you deserve each other.